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Myshka

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Everything posted by Myshka

  1. Hi, everyone! It's been a very long time since I've checked in here and I hope all is well with everyone. I have a strange question. Have any of you ever felt sad to have CO wane? That's kind of where I am right now. Last year I got a wild hair to find out more about an actor I'd known about for years and I absolutely loved what I found. I'm well aware that he's only human and that I only see his public image, but he's really something else. He's probably the closest approximation to the man of my dreams that will ever exist. Being a fan of this man has been such a wonderful experience. Last year was hell on me for so many reasons. Without going into too much detail, I went through the most painful thing I've ever had to face so far. That event caused me to completely shut down and block everyone out, including my family. Suddenly finding myself in this man's fandom was the thing that brought me out of that state of turmoil, but not in an unhealthy way like it had been with past COs. I never used him or his characters as a crutch. I wasn't using my fandom to try and make up for things in my life that were lacking as I had done in the past. Rather, the experience of being his fan was just another good thing alongside the other good things in my life that had been missing previously. My admiration for him was purely positive at its root and being part of his fandom always was too. My life has had so many changes for the better this year and I think I associate him with positive changes. One change this year brought was the birth of my second child. During my pregnancy, however, I reached a point where I had to stop watching the show this actor is most known for. It's a crime drama. There were too many episodes in a row that dealt with children and I had to stop watching it. I've been extremely sensitive to media involving bad things happening to kids ever since my first child was born, but adding pregnancy hormones on top of that made it even worse. Although I stopped watching the show, I was still part of his and the show's fandom online. Things got really busy, however. We moved houses, my first child's schedule became more hectic due to his special needs, my job became more demanding, things got increasingly dramatic with my pregnancy, and I abruptly found myself having to adjust to life with a new baby on top of all of the other changes in my life. There have been so many changes and even though they're good, I find myself longing for familiarity. Most would count it as a win to have a CO lessen, but I'm not ready for this one to and I don't understand why it's happening. My feelings about him haven't changed at all. He's a CO I'll never look back on and cringe with regret. I never had the slightest feeling of negativity about being a fan of his. I look back on other COs waning as victories, but I really wanted this one to last forever. Although I'm still very much a fan, things just feel different lately. Another very recent change is the fact that I've recently developed a new CO. This one is a band, particularly two members, although I'd count the whole band as a CO. I can feel myself starting to fangirl so hard for them and I just don't want to, even if being a fangirl can be so fun sometimes. Additionally, I'm not really sure why or how they've become COs to me. Although I recognize their talent, they're not the kind of music I normally like. I don't really know much about them as people, especially since they aren't native English speakers and are just now gaining popularity but they seem like the opposite of my personality. I'm pretty sure I would have been all over them in my teen years, but my teen years were a very long time ago and my tastes have changed a lot since then. I don't want to be so into a band I would have loved so long ago. I'm happier now than I was back then. I don't want to return to that headspace even slightly. I don't want them to usurp that actor I love so much as my main CO of the moment. I can see their appeal but why I personally am so enthralled by them is a mystery to me. I'm not sure why I feel so ambivalent. Band fandom has always felt different to me than actor fandom. With actors, you can focus on the fictional characters they play and that somehow feels safer. With musicians, it's nothing but real people. Maybe I'm not ready for that kind of reality? Band fandom has always been more all consuming with me as well, and it often leads to negative feelings. They're also getting increasingly famous very fast. The last time I was involved in the fandom of a very popular musician, it ended up being really bad for me. There's also the fact that the people in this band are all in their early 20s. I'm 34. That kind of bothers me and I'm not sure why. People of all ages love this band. They don't market themselves for a younger demographic. If anything, they're for a more mature crowd because they try to portray a very sexual image that almost borders on sleazy. They all look (and act) older than they really are. Still, I don't want to have such young COs, even though one guy in the band said he dated a woman my age once. I'm not ready to let go of my nice, safe 41-year-old actor CO and start simping for a band of people who were born after I'd already hit puberty!
  2. I'm sorry LSA is bumming you out. I'm not a member there but I've read various threads over the years and usually end up laughing my ass off. There's actually a decent amount of threads there about various things pertaining to my CO's life, past, and current actions. Most of the posters there roast the shit out of him, but I just laugh at it instead of getting upset. I love him and the inspiring person he is today that he became by owning up to and learning from his mistakes, but I'm not wearing any blinders. He's done some stuff that certainly deserves roasting. He even roasts the crap out of his younger self sometimes on social media. LSA is just a bit of fun to me!
  3. Hi, everyone! I'm seeing my older crush's band in concert next summer! I got seventh row. I could have gotten third. It was a significant price difference. Plus, I just don't know if I would trust myself not to lose it and flash the guy if I were that close to the stage!
  4. My older crush (it feels weird calling him that since I wish he were my dad sometimes too!) is also a musician! The band he's most known for was really big in the 80s, though. He's still alive, but he actually died the year I was born, but paramedics brought him back. It took two shots to the heart! He was crazy as hell back in the day (as was pretty much every band back then), but he seems like a normal, happy, down to earth family man these days. He was gorgeous back in the day but in reality, he probably was not that great to be with at that time.The young version of him that I fantasize about and him now are like two totally different people. I could not even imagine if somebody who looked the way he did in the 80s but had the personality he does now existed. I don't think the female population could have handled it! I have always had that feeling of having an exciting secret fantasy life that nobody knows about. Sometimes, your real life just can't compare! I totally understand the problem with living in your own head. I got an INFJ on that test years ago myself! I definitely understand having your celebrity crush pop up in your head at random. It's always happened to me all the time! Happened to me today in class, actually!
  5. Well, I have a new celebrity crush that I spend way too much time thinking about! This time around, he's just under thirty years older than me. He was almost the age I am now when I was born! He's a year older than my dad! It's really nice to feel so young in comparison to a crush. It's kind of odd being into someone whose been in the public eye for so long. When I fantasize about him in an explicit sense, it's his younger self from before I was born through when I was a young kid. He still has some good features and he looks good considering his age and how many drugs he used to do, but his 20s and 30s are when I thought he was so extremely hot. Now that he's in his 60s, I kinda wish he were my dad sometimes. I'm closer in age to most of his kids than I am him. My own dad wasn't much and he seems like a wonderful father to all his kids. He says himself that he loves being a dad and can't get enough of it. He posted about his grown daughter once and it made me wish so hard that I had a dad like him. He seems like someone who wasn't the greatest to the countless women he's slept with (or even to his two ex wives once they split) but he seems like an absolute dream of a father. He seems wonderful to his current wife, though. I realize how messed up it is that I wish he were my dad sometimes and have graphic mature thoughts of him other times. I'm probably a psychologist's dream come true!
  6. I'm not so bad these days, but in the past I have definitely been jealous of some of my celebrity crushes' girlfriends, although I have also always liked some of them. I do still get sad thoughts sometimes (I.e. "Oh, of course she's a model," "I wish I had such an exciting life.") Others, I may think things that show the women in a more realistic light, such as, "She looks so much older than she really is," or "For a model, she's really nothing spectacular," but it's really more out of relief that people I adore and find exceptionally attractive can sometimes date someone whose appearance doesn't seem as unattainable as many celebrity girlfriends. It's never to insult the girlfriend because, let's face it, average looking by celebrity standards is still pretty hot by the standards of everyday folks. I never really feel the petty kind of jealousy I used to, though, even if I don't particularly care for a CO's partner. The fact that I'm attracted to all genders can sometimes be to my advantage. Sometimes, I'll feel attraction to their partner too and really let my imagination run wild with possible scenarios! One of my current crush's former girlfriends is a lesser crush of mine herself, actually.
  7. I have definitely been shamed for various fandoms and celebrity crushes over the years. I just don't talk about them very much anymore except for online with people who share my interest or peopke who go through the same thing about their interests. If I discuss them in person, I don't go very in depth these days. I refuse to let any judgmental ass make me feel stupid for liking anything anymore when I'm not hurting anyone. Fandom has been a better source of positivity in my life than the vast majority of people who have been in and out of it over the years, so they can go get stuffed. I've been so blue all day because I dreamt that my celebrity crush passed away. He's only 37 and I was so heartbroken! Even though it was only a dream, it upset me so much. There are other things in my life getting me down but dreaming that he left the world was just the icing on the cake. I hope I shake these blues soon!
  8. Hi, everyone! I'm happy to report that, after discussing it with my therapist a while back, I no longer worry about whether or not my admiration of the teen actor that reminds me of my old boyfriend comes from a subconsciously inappropriate place. In other news, I've developed my first full blown celebrity crush in a few years on a different actor. This one's nearly 37, however- five whole years older than me! The good news is that I'm not overly invested in consuming tons of media about the man himself, although he seems really awesome. I've only seen a small handful of interviews and I know little more about him than basic facts you could find on a Wikipedia page. I don't keep up with his every move. Although I've never heard anything less than wonderful about him, I don't even know if I would go meet him at one of the conventions he does should the opportunity arise (I'm awkward as hell). The bad news is that, when it comes to various characters he's played, I am down the rabbit hole big time. He's very talented and he's got an extensive, highly versatile, genre spanning list of roles. I devour fan fiction about his characters. I'm far from alone in doing so, which is why there's never a shortage of material. I do it every single day, whether for a brief time or longer. Even though I'm not hurting anyone and refuse to read fics about the actual man (or any real person), I'm still worried. I have a hard time being social as it is. The last thing I need is for this to get out of hand, even if it is fun for me and a better way to deal with the occasional marital dissatisfaction without having an affair. I'm not sure if this belongs in this thread. Even though I'm a fan of the guy himself and he pops up in my head sometimes, it's fantasies of various characters of his that really take over my brainspace. Have any of you ever had something like this happen with a fictional character or characters?
  9. Regarding reasons for having a CO, it's different for everyone and it happens to people from all walks of life. I wouldn't call my current favorite celebrity an obsession. There's a component from past favorites that just isn't there with him because he's 15 years younger than me (I'm 31) and I am more in awe of his talent and what a cool person he seems like as opposed to wishing I could be with him. I have had a handful of random COs in past years. I would have loved them regardless of their status because I love their art and personality traits. For me, I've always developed them in times of great loneliness and when I've felt as though everything was beyond my control. Mostly in my teen years, but there were a couple in my twenties. When everyone in your life takes advantage of you, abuses you or otherwise lets you down, it's so easy to latch onto these strangers who have brought happiness and enjoyment to your life. The difference in lifestyle is always so depressing to me. Not because I want fame and attention- I'm rather introverted- but because it must be so amazing to have such freedom and creative fulfillment. How wonderful it must be to chase your passion with nothing keeping you from doing so! Many celebrities seem so happy because of that. Lord knows I want to be that happy but it's elusive sometimes. I also think it must be so nice to be so loved. My young life was awful in many ways. It's nice to see my favorite celebrity living his life, making his dreams come true and enjoying all of these awesome friendships and having an amazingly supportive family. All of that was so opposite to my young life (and my adult life as well). I'm so happy for him but when I think about my own past and my own life it does make me sad at times. There are aspects of his life I would love to have but fame isn't one of them. It's sad to know that they're typically only friends with other famous people, though. I know nobody's life is perfect, however. I do worry about him. He's insanely busy but he's so young. I hope that he isn't burning himself out and I hope that he's in good health. I also hope that having so much attention doesn't mess him up. As for having a "full life"....that can look like different things to different people. A job, marriage and children aren't necessarily a guarantee of a full life. I have all three and I still feel lonely as hell and unfulfilled. My son is a smart, loving, hilarious, almost hauntingly beautiful child and I wouldn't change him for the world but my current job is unfilfilling and my marriage, though usually stable, is passionless and leaves much to be desired in several aspects. I'm still a work in progress and where I'm at right now isn't where I'll be forever but it does get a bit blue at times. Indulging in various forms of entertainment- numerous examples of which happen to be projects of this very talented guy- helps with that.
  10. @starbucksjunkee Well, to be fair, it is a pretty good show! Watching it together was one of the ways my husband and I bonded together when we first started dating!
  11. Getting off the birth control has definitely helped! I try to be healthy and it is paying off, I just tend to be impatient and hold myself to the same standards as when I was younger and hadn't given birth. All I hear from mothers is, "Your body will never be the same again, no matter what!" That is just so disheartening. I don't know much about progesterone cream.
  12. Hi everyone. I'm 31 and about four years in recovery. I loved the way I looked at my smallest, even if I looked slightly underweight. I've been okay with my natural shape since my recovery for the most part. Last year, however, I became a mother. The weight came off easily enough at first....but then I got a Nexplanon implant. It made my life hell, as most hormonal birth control methods have. It made me gain weight when there was no way in hell I should have been. I got it removed two months or so ago and was excited at first that my weight seemed to be going down. Lately, I just haven't been happy with my body at all, however. I don't overeat. I exercise. My body just does not look as good as it used to and it destroys me at times. My husband finds me attractive but I don't as much anymore and I don't think others really would, either. Of course, their opinions wouldn't matter, but it's so hard. I used to look so good. And now, even though I'm trying, I don't. I don't know if it's because I've given birth now, if it's because I'm in my 30s now, because I have a desk job or what. I had a desk job before I got pregnant and diet and exercise kept me looking well, so I don't think that's it. It's also discouraging because when I'm not at work, my life is dictated by my eleven month old. I don't have the time for elaborate workouts and meal prepping like I used to. Some days, I can't even get all of the basics done. I do put forth some effort but I just feel as if it isn't good enough. I know that losing weight slowly is the way to go. There were many rough consequences when I did it the unhealthy way years ago. It's just so discouraging at times and I wonder what's the use. As twisted as this is, I miss the willpower I had in my ED days.
  13. @BlueStarr They haven't said anything hateful to me in particular, just lots of nasty stuff about older fans of his in general that I've read. I don't really interact with other fans of his and on the rare occasion I do, I talk about things like his music and film roles as opposed to him personally. A couple of his roles are adaptations of book characters I love. I've never mentioned my age on Tumblr. I already know the kind of things most people would say to me for being a 31 year old fan of his and even though they're dumb teenage strangers doesn't mean I'm about to sign up for that kind of abuse! I just want to enjoy being a fan without the drama.
  14. @BlueStarr I made sure to establish in my first post that I wouldn't consider myself obsessed with him and that I have a full life that is not derailed by my being a fan of his. I simply have never been such a big fan of somebody significantly younger than me before and I find it odd and confusing. It's unfamiliar territory that I am trying to navigate. My issues are with my own tendency to regress at times and lament getting older (in this case, my seeing resemblance between this guy and my old boyfriend from high school). My issues also boil down to my own tendency to take things personally and let my anxiety go haywire. Being a fan of his means being primarily in the company of crazed teenage girls that 1) I cannot relate to, and 2) brutally lambast other fans of his, with special vitriol and gross preconceived notions reserved for older fans of his. Such hatred combined with my unfamiliarity with the concept of aesthetic attraction made for a confusing time. I was trying to express my experience.
  15. @BlueStarr I'm on Tumblr. I follow blogs related to various things I enjoy, some of which are about professional projects of his, but I do not follow any blogs about this person himself. He does not use Tumblr to my knowledge. I don't follow him on Instagram or Twitter. I don't think it would be wrong if I did but I have just chosen not to. If he didn't remind me of my past, I'm sure I wouldn't feel the way I do regarding that. "Fangirling" to me simply means being an enthusiastic supporter. I call guys fangirls too. My husband has called me an emotional hypochondriac, meaning that I'll read something, see the slightest sliver of potential for it to relate to my own life, and then I'll just take it and run with it. For example, I read about a bullied boy in elementary school taking his own life. I spent weeks crying and fretting to my husband about the prospect of our son having no friends, being treated cruelly, and doing the same. Our son is eleven months old and that is totally irrational on my part. In this case, I read too many vitriolic, accusatory comments about older fans of this person. My reaction was to let my anxiety take the wheel and wonder if I wasn't really this damaged, sick person even though I would never even entertain the idea of doing inappropriate things with him. That boy could proposition me himself and I would shut his ass down! People who do cross those lines in relation to him make me feel physically sick and if I ever see examples of it online, I report it, though thankfully I haven't seen many due to my choice to not follow things related to him personally.
  16. @BlueStarr, I appreciate your feedback but I really don't think I'm sexually attracted to him. The idea repulses me because of his age. I've thought long and hard about this over a few weeks and discussed it with my husband and my therapist because older fans of this person are often shamed mercilessly and I took that very deeply to heart. I wouldn't consider myself obsessed with him. I keep up with his work but I have chosen not to follow his social media and I don't spend large amounts of time looking at photos of him even though I do find him very good looking. He reminds me of somebody from my past but I can very clearly differentiate. I have a job, a family and a life. I don't think my fandom has crossed any lines. I just feel alone in being a fan of his due to my age.
  17. This boy ain't no Shirley Temple, that's for sure! He's almost 16 and he's got quite the mouth on him sometimes. I'm a lifelong trashmouth myself and even I've blushed on occasion at some of the things he's said. But I do see what you're saying and agree that it's okay for adults to be fans of underage stars as long as they maintain respectful boundaries. Your theory is spot on, honestly. My young self never really went away; she's always been very much alive and present. That part of me still being so prevalent coupled with a vast majority of his other fans being teenage girls who go on about him in a way that my 31 year old real world self cannot does make for a lot of strangeness and confusion. Throw in his resemblance to the first boy I loved sexually (and one of the only ex's I wouldn't take back) and you've really got a Molotov cocktail of confusion. You're right that I'm trying to recapture a more youthful time (and rare moments of happiness from that time). Besides my current dissatisfaction, motherhood is limiting in ways I've never experienced or even fully comprehended before and it's been a difficult pill to swallow. Still, although there is a resemblance to my young love, I cannot, in all honesty, say that that's why I like him so much. It is a factor but I love him in his own right, completely separate from my memories of that boy. I know how I can be and I know what I like. I know this would have been a struggle for me even if I had never had that young love. Being completely honest, I feel so weird about being such a fan because, as you said, I am on a very slippery slope. Sure, I don't have conscious sexual thoughts about him. I would never want to be involved with him romantically because even a cool, kind, mature for his age teenage boy is still a teenage boy and, honestly, he can be as much of a dip as the rest of them at times. I felt general negativity about teenage boys even when I was a teenager myself! The fact that I find him so aesthetically pleasing is just a bit worrisome to me. I love looking at the guy. He is, in my opinion, so interesting to look at. I'm talking, put that mf'er in a museum gorgeous. Physically, the dude's like a masterpiece and he doesn't even try. Living art. I guess the fact that I didn't start feeling that way until he became older makes me question if there's something subconsciously inappropriate about my admiration. I don't, as a 31 year old woman, want him in a mature sense, but the fact that he's starting to look like my "type," I guess you could say, is just confusing to me. I'm told there's nothing wrong with appreciating beauty but when is it not okay? I have no idea.
  18. Oh, man....I'm glad I found this so I feel less alone but, oh man. This is a doozy. I don't know if I would call this an obsession because I am very mindful. I've always been a fangirl my entire life...but my latest fave is significantly younger than me and I'm honestly so unsure how to feel about this. He's a teenager and I'm 31. A youthful, exuberant 31 who often gets pegged as a decade younger, but still, 31 is 31! I don't and can't think of him sexually but I still feel weird for liking somebody 15 and a half years younger than me so much. It's about finding him really talented and cool as opposed to wanting to sleep with him but still....what the hell is wrong with me? Also, even though it's not a sexual attraction, I do find him to be so incredibly good looking. It's like looking at art or something. You don't want to have sex with it but, God, it's just so great to look at. I didn't think that about him until recently now that he's older. There are physical characteristics I've always admired in guys and he has them. Even if it's just aesthetic attraction, I feel like I am not right. He reminds me a lot of a boyfriend I had when I was around his age. That boy was a bright spot in my horrible teenage years. He was the first person I did consensual acts with and he made me feel safe, loved and free. I'm sure this boy's physical resemblance to that person from my past has something to do with my desire to pay attention to him, but I admire him in his own right also. I've been told by my husband and several therapists that I'm emotionally young due to undergoing intense trauma at a young age. It's as if I'm always trying to vicariously correct my teen years or wishing to redo them differently. I'm also a new mother. It was a massive adjustment and my pregnancy was very unplanned. Also, although I love my husband, I don't really feel in love with him anymore and I (as well as others) believe that he got me pregnant on purpose. I feel deep down that this is not the way things should have happened. I love my son more than anything but I don't think my husband and I were supposed to end up together. This isn't the first time I've regressed to fandom as a coping mechanism in response to difficult, devastating changes, but it is the first time I've so ardently admired one so much younger than me. I don't follow him on social media but I see stuff about him on Tumblr. I use Tumblr to be part of fandoms, several of which are related to various projects of his I love but, naturally, content related to the guy himself slips through at times. Even though I'm a respectful fan, I still just feel so weird. Most of his fans are so much younger than me. Like, his age and younger. I know he has older fans too, but people really dump on older people who fangirl out over him. I was snotty about women my age as a teenager, so I'm sure some of that is just the cattiness of young girls who don't know any better, but still. This guy himself once called it gross when a 27 year old model made a comment about him. Granted, her comment was a bit sexually suggestive and odd but still. I may not say sexual stuff about him but I can't help but wonder if I am in the wrong. I don't even think I could even go to a show of his band even though they're awesome as hell because I would feel creepy and out of place because they're always crawling with teenage girls. My therapist said that would not be out of line but I would just feel like an oddball. Older than all the kids but younger than the parents that took them! I am an intelligent, sensitive, attractive, compassionate, talented, academic, career driven 31 year old wife and mother. I should not be this way and I feel broken.
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