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Myshka

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  1. @starbucksjunkee Well, to be fair, it is a pretty good show! Watching it together was one of the ways my husband and I bonded together when we first started dating!
  2. Myshka

    Sometimes I miss having an ED.

    Getting off the birth control has definitely helped! I try to be healthy and it is paying off, I just tend to be impatient and hold myself to the same standards as when I was younger and hadn't given birth. All I hear from mothers is, "Your body will never be the same again, no matter what!" That is just so disheartening. I don't know much about progesterone cream.
  3. Hi everyone. I'm 31 and about four years in recovery. I loved the way I looked at my smallest, even if I looked slightly underweight. I've been okay with my natural shape since my recovery for the most part. Last year, however, I became a mother. The weight came off easily enough at first....but then I got a Nexplanon implant. It made my life hell, as most hormonal birth control methods have. It made me gain weight when there was no way in hell I should have been. I got it removed two months or so ago and was excited at first that my weight seemed to be going down. Lately, I just haven't been happy with my body at all, however. I don't overeat. I exercise. My body just does not look as good as it used to and it destroys me at times. My husband finds me attractive but I don't as much anymore and I don't think others really would, either. Of course, their opinions wouldn't matter, but it's so hard. I used to look so good. And now, even though I'm trying, I don't. I don't know if it's because I've given birth now, if it's because I'm in my 30s now, because I have a desk job or what. I had a desk job before I got pregnant and diet and exercise kept me looking well, so I don't think that's it. It's also discouraging because when I'm not at work, my life is dictated by my eleven month old. I don't have the time for elaborate workouts and meal prepping like I used to. Some days, I can't even get all of the basics done. I do put forth some effort but I just feel as if it isn't good enough. I know that losing weight slowly is the way to go. There were many rough consequences when I did it the unhealthy way years ago. It's just so discouraging at times and I wonder what's the use. As twisted as this is, I miss the willpower I had in my ED days.
  4. @BlueStarr They haven't said anything hateful to me in particular, just lots of nasty stuff about older fans of his in general that I've read. I don't really interact with other fans of his and on the rare occasion I do, I talk about things like his music and film roles as opposed to him personally. A couple of his roles are adaptations of book characters I love. I've never mentioned my age on Tumblr. I already know the kind of things most people would say to me for being a 31 year old fan of his and even though they're dumb teenage strangers doesn't mean I'm about to sign up for that kind of abuse! I just want to enjoy being a fan without the drama.
  5. @BlueStarr I made sure to establish in my first post that I wouldn't consider myself obsessed with him and that I have a full life that is not derailed by my being a fan of his. I simply have never been such a big fan of somebody significantly younger than me before and I find it odd and confusing. It's unfamiliar territory that I am trying to navigate. My issues are with my own tendency to regress at times and lament getting older (in this case, my seeing resemblance between this guy and my old boyfriend from high school). My issues also boil down to my own tendency to take things personally and let my anxiety go haywire. Being a fan of his means being primarily in the company of crazed teenage girls that 1) I cannot relate to, and 2) brutally lambast other fans of his, with special vitriol and gross preconceived notions reserved for older fans of his. Such hatred combined with my unfamiliarity with the concept of aesthetic attraction made for a confusing time. I was trying to express my experience.
  6. @BlueStarr I'm on Tumblr. I follow blogs related to various things I enjoy, some of which are about professional projects of his, but I do not follow any blogs about this person himself. He does not use Tumblr to my knowledge. I don't follow him on Instagram or Twitter. I don't think it would be wrong if I did but I have just chosen not to. If he didn't remind me of my past, I'm sure I wouldn't feel the way I do regarding that. "Fangirling" to me simply means being an enthusiastic supporter. I call guys fangirls too. My husband has called me an emotional hypochondriac, meaning that I'll read something, see the slightest sliver of potential for it to relate to my own life, and then I'll just take it and run with it. For example, I read about a bullied boy in elementary school taking his own life. I spent weeks crying and fretting to my husband about the prospect of our son having no friends, being treated cruelly, and doing the same. Our son is eleven months old and that is totally irrational on my part. In this case, I read too many vitriolic, accusatory comments about older fans of this person. My reaction was to let my anxiety take the wheel and wonder if I wasn't really this damaged, sick person even though I would never even entertain the idea of doing inappropriate things with him. That boy could proposition me himself and I would shut his ass down! People who do cross those lines in relation to him make me feel physically sick and if I ever see examples of it online, I report it, though thankfully I haven't seen many due to my choice to not follow things related to him personally.
  7. @BlueStarr, I appreciate your feedback but I really don't think I'm sexually attracted to him. The idea repulses me because of his age. I've thought long and hard about this over a few weeks and discussed it with my husband and my therapist because older fans of this person are often shamed mercilessly and I took that very deeply to heart. I wouldn't consider myself obsessed with him. I keep up with his work but I have chosen not to follow his social media and I don't spend large amounts of time looking at photos of him even though I do find him very good looking. He reminds me of somebody from my past but I can very clearly differentiate. I have a job, a family and a life. I don't think my fandom has crossed any lines. I just feel alone in being a fan of his due to my age.
  8. This boy ain't no Shirley Temple, that's for sure! He's almost 16 and he's got quite the mouth on him sometimes. I'm a lifelong trashmouth myself and even I've blushed on occasion at some of the things he's said. But I do see what you're saying and agree that it's okay for adults to be fans of underage stars as long as they maintain respectful boundaries. Your theory is spot on, honestly. My young self never really went away; she's always been very much alive and present. That part of me still being so prevalent coupled with a vast majority of his other fans being teenage girls who go on about him in a way that my 31 year old real world self cannot does make for a lot of strangeness and confusion. Throw in his resemblance to the first boy I loved sexually (and one of the only ex's I wouldn't take back) and you've really got a Molotov cocktail of confusion. You're right that I'm trying to recapture a more youthful time (and rare moments of happiness from that time). Besides my current dissatisfaction, motherhood is limiting in ways I've never experienced or even fully comprehended before and it's been a difficult pill to swallow. Still, although there is a resemblance to my young love, I cannot, in all honesty, say that that's why I like him so much. It is a factor but I love him in his own right, completely separate from my memories of that boy. I know how I can be and I know what I like. I know this would have been a struggle for me even if I had never had that young love. Being completely honest, I feel so weird about being such a fan because, as you said, I am on a very slippery slope. Sure, I don't have conscious sexual thoughts about him. I would never want to be involved with him romantically because even a cool, kind, mature for his age teenage boy is still a teenage boy and, honestly, he can be as much of a dip as the rest of them at times. I felt general negativity about teenage boys even when I was a teenager myself! The fact that I find him so aesthetically pleasing is just a bit worrisome to me. I love looking at the guy. He is, in my opinion, so interesting to look at. I'm talking, put that mf'er in a museum gorgeous. Physically, the dude's like a masterpiece and he doesn't even try. Living art. I guess the fact that I didn't start feeling that way until he became older makes me question if there's something subconsciously inappropriate about my admiration. I don't, as a 31 year old woman, want him in a mature sense, but the fact that he's starting to look like my "type," I guess you could say, is just confusing to me. I'm told there's nothing wrong with appreciating beauty but when is it not okay? I have no idea.
  9. Oh, man....I'm glad I found this so I feel less alone but, oh man. This is a doozy. I don't know if I would call this an obsession because I am very mindful. I've always been a fangirl my entire life...but my latest fave is significantly younger than me and I'm honestly so unsure how to feel about this. He's a teenager and I'm 31. A youthful, exuberant 31 who often gets pegged as a decade younger, but still, 31 is 31! I don't and can't think of him sexually but I still feel weird for liking somebody 15 and a half years younger than me so much. It's about finding him really talented and cool as opposed to wanting to sleep with him but still....what the hell is wrong with me? Also, even though it's not a sexual attraction, I do find him to be so incredibly good looking. It's like looking at art or something. You don't want to have sex with it but, God, it's just so great to look at. I didn't think that about him until recently now that he's older. There are physical characteristics I've always admired in guys and he has them. Even if it's just aesthetic attraction, I feel like I am not right. He reminds me a lot of a boyfriend I had when I was around his age. That boy was a bright spot in my horrible teenage years. He was the first person I did consensual acts with and he made me feel safe, loved and free. I'm sure this boy's physical resemblance to that person from my past has something to do with my desire to pay attention to him, but I admire him in his own right also. I've been told by my husband and several therapists that I'm emotionally young due to undergoing intense trauma at a young age. It's as if I'm always trying to vicariously correct my teen years or wishing to redo them differently. I'm also a new mother. It was a massive adjustment and my pregnancy was very unplanned. Also, although I love my husband, I don't really feel in love with him anymore and I (as well as others) believe that he got me pregnant on purpose. I feel deep down that this is not the way things should have happened. I love my son more than anything but I don't think my husband and I were supposed to end up together. This isn't the first time I've regressed to fandom as a coping mechanism in response to difficult, devastating changes, but it is the first time I've so ardently admired one so much younger than me. I don't follow him on social media but I see stuff about him on Tumblr. I use Tumblr to be part of fandoms, several of which are related to various projects of his I love but, naturally, content related to the guy himself slips through at times. Even though I'm a respectful fan, I still just feel so weird. Most of his fans are so much younger than me. Like, his age and younger. I know he has older fans too, but people really dump on older people who fangirl out over him. I was snotty about women my age as a teenager, so I'm sure some of that is just the cattiness of young girls who don't know any better, but still. This guy himself once called it gross when a 27 year old model made a comment about him. Granted, her comment was a bit sexually suggestive and odd but still. I may not say sexual stuff about him but I can't help but wonder if I am in the wrong. I don't even think I could even go to a show of his band even though they're awesome as hell because I would feel creepy and out of place because they're always crawling with teenage girls. My therapist said that would not be out of line but I would just feel like an oddball. Older than all the kids but younger than the parents that took them! I am an intelligent, sensitive, attractive, compassionate, talented, academic, career driven 31 year old wife and mother. I should not be this way and I feel broken.
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