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TheSandman

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About TheSandman

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  • Birthday 11/18/1985

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  1. I'm doing well the last few days. Happier to the point where even the cashier at the gas station where I buy cigarettes even noticed. That being said...these next 26 hours or so are going to be a huge test. Maybe if I ignore the date, it'll just go away?
  2. How do I feel? Weird. It seems like my delusions keep finding a way to peak through, even when I go out of my way to ignore them. Or maybe they're not delusions and they're just ideas of reference again? I don't know. I've got to get a plan to make them go away, though. They're not taking me over, yet, but I'm noticing them in almost everything I do, and I'm not sure if I can stay strong enough to rationalize against them.
  3. I hope everyone stays safe tonight. I wish you all the best this evening, and a Happy New Year. Maybe this year is ours!
  4. So after re-reading all of my posts, I had pretty much concluded that everything is and was a dream. Immediately after that, I started writing down every fear I had for a blog post that will probably never see the light of day. Everything ties up neatly, like a puzzle. I always was trying to make the puzzle pieces fit, and I never did. And now I seem to have made them fit. I should be feeling better but now I'm scared that one of two things is the truth. I don't know if this is a dream that is meant to warn me where I'll end up if I continue down the same path as the person I used to be or if this is me still repressing all the bad things that I 'might've' done. I'm back to being scared that I did something impossibly wrong that it's traumatized me to the point I can't remember it. Or even that I did something maybe morally wrong (Like say, sleeping with my friends' wife or daughter), and I've got so much shame that I can't admit or remember what it was. I'm shaking so much just considering the possibility of either of those things being true, though. Because I need answers more than ever now, and I'm scared to death of getting them, or even worse...not getting them. My *voices* are never going to give me the answers. They're like devil and angel, alternating between good and bad. Some are saying to accept everything and 'take my life back' and some are saying that I'm a terrible person that needs to stay away. Differentiating which is which is the hardest part.
  5. Thanks for the kind welcome. I'm glad I could help a little bit. One if my issues is that I try to fix everything, but knowing that people have the same issues and just letting them know they're not alone is sometimes the only or best way to help. As for the T, yeah, maybe. It was too soon to rush in, but his initial diagnosis was so misguided because of the things I was focusing on, I had to let him know that there was at least something more going on. But after that, I started just burying myself in other things and kept my mind off of everything, in general and started feeling better. Maybe a fresh start is what I need, or maybe I'm just afraid to admit that maybe my entire life I've been going about things the wrong way. Yeah, maybe avoidance is the incorrect term for it, and something I'm just gloming on to give me a reason to return to all the problems I had before. The little 'voices' are just small signs like names that trigger memories, that I can immediately write off when I'm not stuck inside my head. When I'm focusing on any kind of my issues, they're big bold words in front of my face with my exact same experiences, now slightly tweaked. Maybe it's this voices slowly trying to get an 'in', if you will, before they drag me down again. I mean, that seems logical to me, but... I mean, I'm sure most people would love the relief from it and I don't feel alone or anything, my family life is good, my support system is good. I just wonder if I almost miss feeling something? I don't know. I think the T giving me an incorrect diagnosis initially kinda made me trust him less, maybe. But in reality, he only can go off of what I told him, and after checking it out, I totally get it. Maybe here it would help to reread how I was at my worst. In the past, it only dug me in further seeing how I was and gave me unanswered questions that I was afraid to ask. It was almost like I was the only one that saw the questions I had, so I didn't want to bring them up. The only problem I'm worried about there is, I have a tendency to remember the feeling I had when I write something. It all crashes down and I can put myself back in that spot. It's tough when I was doing so well. Thanks a bunch,. I'm going to get through this, but even coming here is waking up the sleeping things (My anxiety spiked up after reading some posts earlier, and it had barely been higher than a 2-3 in the last few months on the 10 scale), so if I disappear again, it's not y'all by any stretch. It's me just living in my daze instead of trying to fix my daze.
  6. This is 100% my story as well. The problem is, when I found someone *exactly* like me; someone who would actually get it, I ran just like everyone does from me. The more I think about the past the more I realize how many mistakes I made. Crap.
  7. One fear? Never getting over my emotional block. I still can't cry or get angry. Or feel anything other than extreme hope or extreme hurt.
  8. I haven't check in a while. I know. I came here during my lowest point, and quite frankly, I was unsure I was going to make ti through. I'm not as strong as I used to be to get over stuff, but I do need to come back and at least give an update. And maybe some advice. I've been doing great that last couple months. The only reason I've been doing great though is avoidance, I think. The meds helps in day to day stuff, but they're really not for the problem I know I have. They're just an ease on the soul, really. I need to go back to things and people that caused my anxiety and general issues, but it's a tough proposition. Avoiding the 'poisionous' people always sounds like the best idea, but I really have no idea how I'm doing. I still struggle with what is real with said people. I still feel like they can read my mind or they're just part of me; voices in my head; hallucinations that I'm manifesting that I can basically go somewhere to listen to. I feel like if I just focus on the positive, I'm missing 99% of the picture. I'm not trying to make it a puzzle anymore. No obsession to make things fit. I'm good. I'm okay. I'm...as lost as ever, and I'm afraid to admit it, most of the time. Therapy hasn't really helped, though, because I'm still withholding. And now I have to switch therapists, because my former one got a promotion. So now I'm going to be less trusting than ever. I'm scared that I'm going fall back into old paterns, when I wasn't the person I wanted to be. The guy that used hateful words. The guy that wanted to be someone else so badly he just did what he could to fit into a crowd. That guy is not me. I'm not meant to stand out by any stretch, but I'm also just meant to be me. The kind, caring person that I know that I am, deep inside. So what you think? Throw out the people, try to start fresh, even though there's still answers to questions that I'm always going to have? Or risk every bit of 'progress' that I've made trying to get to being me, just for the answers that I feel could solve everything? I made a decision that I needed to go a couple months back, but someone on here actually brought me back with their struggle. I don't want to get to that point again, but without these answers, I don't know that I can avoid it. Even if they're lies that I can tell myself in my head, they can be reasonable enough to accept.
  9. After a couple good weeks, I'm starting to spiral again. Anxiety is back up, and it's getting harder and harder to stay grounded. Hopefully this one stays short term, because the last one lasted quite a while, and I don't know if I have the strength to make it through another long-term episode.
  10. I've also had similar episodes with my anxiety (like MarkintheDark posited) where it almost felt like a mixture between heartburn and chest pains. It definitely sucks. I hope you begin to feel better, soon.
  11. So, for a weekend off...it's actually been okay to good, I guess? It's my first weekend off in a month, and second weekend off in three months, so it was definitely needed. Friday, I actually spent some time with my family. I survived it. I can't say that I fully enjoyed it, but I made it through. And Saturday was spent immersed in interests and not thinking about anything in my life, and it felt quite good. I've come to terms that I'm never going to be the person I used to be, and that's fine. Hey, maybe I can even be better. But not leaving the house for anything except for cigarettes, doctors appointments and work is probably going to stand in the way of that. Eventually, I can clear that hurdle, perhaps? Who knows. I just need to stay grounded, stop letting my mind take over (I'm sure it will happen in the next 24 hours, because I thought about it, but still...) and take it day by day.
  12. I'm back to sleeping 10 hours a night, so that's good, I guess? But the fact that my dreams are so much better than reality and that is the main reason I'm okay with sleeping 10 hours is probably not the best.
  13. Yeah, I need to stop posting when I feel good, because 12 hours later, it always reverses tenfold. Boss called me last night wanting me to work tomorrow, having absolutely no idea that I've worked Saturday morning for the last four months. He was apologetic and said he'd find someone else, but it was already too late. This ruined my Saturday night. I stopped enjoying what I was doing, and ran to bed to get away from it. And here I am, up and getting ready for work, because I fully expect to get a call here in about a half hour, and I'll just go to work and let my Sunday be ruined, too. A lot of times I feel like it's impossible for me to care about things, and some of the time I feel like I"m the *only* one in my life who cares at all. There's something wrong with this picture and I really need a change, whether that's a different job that I'm not sure I'll be able to handle or just never leaving my couch. *sigh*
  14. I’m doing pretty well today, actually. Anxiety is staying close to the baseline and I haven’t had an episode in eight days. Hooray for tiny victories. I shall take every one I can get, at this point.
  15. So I got invited to a birthday party by one of my friends today and I immediately turned it down. I didn't feel bad about not being able to be there, I just felt...nothing. And now I'm worried that I just felt nothing about something that would've been so important to me just a few months ago. I'm worried that I'm just never going to care about anything again now. I know that in my head I'm trying to save everyone from my problems, but...ugh.
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