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Everything posted by hendricksbrock

  1. I'm a long-term OCD sufferer. This is not new territory for me. I'm saying now that this is DEFINETELY not the worse I've been, so I know how to get through it. I'm just tired of getting through it. My whole life has been OCD, including most of my childhood. I don't know what life is like WITHOUT ocd. Who am I without this illness? In elementary school, my parents watched in horror as I picked the skin off my fingers. In middle school, they'd find me walking around doing rituals at two am, or laying on the ground by the foot of their bed because I was too scared to be alone. In highschool, I was the kid who was late every week because of therapy. The kid who needed extra time on homework because my OCD was so debilitating I couldn't even write. 17 years old and I couldn't tie my shoes by myself because I'd do it over and over. Couldn't eat, or sleep. Even breathing was hard, drinking water. I'm in college now. I work, I'm better now, and older, and less angry, but I'm still tired. And I'll think I'm okay for so long, but it always comes back. It's been bad recently, and I'm not sure what to do. I can't really eat anymore, I'm always so worried I feel sick. I'm so scared of HAVING a panic attack I force myself into one. And my mother was just diagnosed with cancer, and I feel so selfish that I'm still running up to my room after family dinners to talk myself down from some weird high. I don't fit in with any of my peers because my mental illness FORCED me out of being young. It turned everyday tasks into a fight for my life. While most people are out drinking, I'm at home. And it's not because I'm some quirky teenager whO DoeSn't LiKe To ParTy, it's because I know I can't trust myself to drink. I'm already so out of control when I'm sober. I feel so alone, and so misunderstood, and like I missed out on what being a normal person is like. Don't get me wrong, I'm blessed, and I have a supportive family. I'm happy most the time, even if I am depressed, even if I do have OCD. It's just nights like these that I feel so particularly exhausted. I just want to be there for my mother. I look at myself and see how far I've come since being that little 9 year old in a therapists chair, not understanding that what I was doing was weird. I know I am strong, and I have overcome great adversity in my life. But I'm... just so exhausted. I'm going back to therapy soon... which is good. But I need help finding the positives right now. Any tips?
  2. Hey everyone. I was recently prescribed topamax to try and treat my migraines, tinnitus, and vision problems. I've had some really bad experiences withother medications, and I'm wondering if anyone on here can tell me what to expect? Suffering from OCD and depression I'm obviously extremely wary of any medication as it can affect me greatly. I'm not sure how I'll deal with this new med, but any advice could be nice. Obviously, if I experience any bad side affects, I'll stop, but with other medications I didn't realize what they were doing to me before it was too late. Please, any advice or tips would be amazing.
  3. I keep posting here because there’s no where else I can really go to talk. Sometimes I feel like I’m yelling into the void, but it’s the one place where I can really say what I’m feeling. im so depressed. I have such horrible self image, I’m so hopeless, and some days I feel like I’m not living in reality. I’m going through the motions and I’ve forgotten what my old life was like, but I want it back so badly. I wish that I could just snap out this. I want to be normal. I want be loved and feel it, I want to love others. I want to be strong and healthy. I want to be fixed but I keep trying so hard and I’ve been trying for months and it’s not getting better. I’m not getting better. I’m so scared you know? I’m always so afraid I’m always so worried something terrible is going to happen. i feel so needy. i feel so empty and alone.
  4. I stared developing the health problems a couple of months ago. I have pulsatile tinnitus and flashing lights in my vision. Its really hard for me to function most days because I’m so convinced I’m dying, you know? I just see my family crying at my funeral and imagine what song they’d play, and then think about how much I don’t want to do die, so I cry for hours over it, and I make endless doctors appointments but no one can ever tell me what’s wrong with me.
  5. Hey. I don’t really know what to say. I know I’m depressed, and to be honest I don’t know how I got here so I? Don’t know why I am. I just had one big panic attack and the next morning when I woke up I couldn’t feel anymore. I’ve had a really bad summer, riddled with health problems and emotional stress and trauma. I keep seeing doctors about my health issues but they just refer me to another specialist. I’m not kidding when I say I think I have a tumor. But it’s strange, you know? When I’m crying about it it’s not because of the tumor. I’m not sure why I’m crying. Where is this pain coming from when I never feel anything? I cry in mourning of my old life. I cry because every day I’m getting farther and farther away from that. I do the cliches and I cry at old photos of myself, I lay alone in my bed and sob in the dark and hope my roommate doesn’t hear me. Everything at college is going so great. I love my classes, I have tons of new friends, I got the job I wanted, even entered into a film festival and we won best cinematography. And I force a smile and tell myself and my parents and everyone around me that I’m okay and I am doing better. I have to be, right? I’m functional after all. I eat food that has no taste, and I go to yoga class and force myself to believe I want to get out of this depression. But I can’t. Because I can’t feel. And when I lay down at night and it’s dark and my eyes are flashing and my ears are ringing, I wonder if I can do this anymore. I want to give up. I want to go home. I didn’t want to leave home in the first place, and it’s only been a month and everyone is so proud to hear that I’m doing so great with my depression and I don’t have the heart to tell them that I’m not. To tell them I feel like I can’t do it anymore. And I know something is wrong with me health wise. And I think part of me wants to believe it’s a tumor because that would be easier, wouldn’t it? It would be easier if I could just fix all of this hot mess in one ****ing go. But I don’t want that because I’m also so afraid. And I’m so alone. And that’s the one part of the old me I have left. The girl who’s scared of everything. I can’t let that go too. I don’t know what this is. I don’t know who I am. I just know one thing; I have to come to terms with just how depressed I am. Otherwise, I don’t think I’ll make it through this. Thank you for reading this, whoever you are, if you did. I’ll be going now- it’s time for more ugly crying and avoiding the rain clouds following me around.
  6. Hey guys, I was on zoloft for about two months before having to quit cold turkey due to some horrendous symptoms. Withdrawals were hell- dizziness, sickness, and vision problems, not to mention the utter disappointment of yet another drug that didn’t help. I developed a rash while on it, and it’s been a month and the rash still hasn’t gone. Is this normal? If so, how long do you think it’ll take to go away? Total bummer that’s it’s summer and I can’t wear shorts without looking like a chicken pox victim. Also, I developed vision problems while only in sunlight- I saw an optometrist and she diagnosed me with ocular migraines. I didn’t notice these until I was on Zoloft, so I’m assuming I developed them as a result of Zoloft. I know that light sensitivity CAN ave a side affect, but I’ve never heard of someone developing ocular migraines triggered by sunlight while on Zoloft. I’m still getting them, and it’s been a month. I go to school soon, and it sucks that I can’t be outside for more than two hours unless I’m wearing sunglasses, which still don’t do much for me. I’m tired of seeing the world through two filters- my depression already makes the world seem to black and white- the sunglasses just makes it so much worse. Anyone else have these issues? I’m desperate for an answer. The health anxiety and OCD are loving this.
  7. yes! I took Zoloft for awhile and recently stopped due to some visual problems I was having. before starting Zoloft my depression repressed my appetite to the point of me not eating, so when I started Zoloft I was ECSTATIC to actually feel hunger again. unfortunately Zoloft did give me terrible heart burn and digestive issues. I learned I had to take mine in the morning after breakfast to try and reduce the sick/burning feeling. after stopping Zoloft cold turkey (big mistake,) it made me sick to my stomach. still dealing with withdrawals I actually have to take motion sickness pills every day and anti acids. sucks!
  8. I’ve wanted to post on here for awhile, but I didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t until I wrote an email to my therapist that I re-read and thought would be perfect for here. Mind you, I am not suicidal, just in a lot of pain. Just graduated high school, and just moved half way across the country from the therapist, friends, physciatrist, and well... life. Just stopped Zoloft cold turkey due to terrible symptoms. Safe to say life got a lot harder after that. I’ve also had OCD since I was 11, so about 7 years. The depression set in two months ago. Without further adeiu, here’s how I feel. Life has been hard. I know “hard” is a pretty vague way to put it, but to tell you the truth I don’t have the words or energy to describe it. It’s like waking up in the same horrible spot I went to bed in. ‘Tomorrow’ is supposed to be a better day, , Annie sang a whole song about it, but when the days melt into one another it’s hard to tell the difference between morning and night. Besides, every day is so monotonously the same. My little, travel-size bottle of hope is beginning to diminish. I’m hurting and I don’t know why. I’m always so worried about spontaneously dying that I can’t even find the time to enjoy living. Not to mention the constant fear I’ll have to run to the toilet and vomit, or the pounding in my head, or the twitch in my eye that makes me wonder if I’ve got a tumor or I’m just losing my . I guess we already know the latter, though. I feel so alone. With every waking moment that I spend wallowing, wasting away in my bedroom, I grow farther away from my family and farther away from every sense of normalcy I’ve ever known. I want to get better, but I don’t know how. It’s like being stuck in a pitch dark room- you know there’s a door, but you don’t know what direction to go in to find in. You just end up crawling around on all fours, feeling around for some sort of groove or bump. I have this sense of doom always lingering in my chest, it makes me want to do nothing but cry. And sometimes that’s what I do, I just cry. I’m pretty sure my family hates me. My mom and my sister spend a lot of time together now, and I honestly think they like it better off without me there. I don’t blame them, I don’t even like spending time alone with myself. My dad just, Well I think he’s just disappointed in me. But I think now that he always has been. Sometimes I get these little flames of hope, and I see this silhouette of the girl I used to be. Back when I didn’t feel like a burden. Back when I used to feel like a person. I understand that pain is inescapable, it’s a part of living. But things are supposed to get better, aren’t they? And the more time wears on, the exhausted I become, the more I start to believe they never will. Every passing second I loose another stitch of who I used to be, and it’s only a matter of time until the whole dress falls apart. Excuse my doom and gloom, it seems to be my only remaining feeling these days. It’s what I wake up to every morning, and what I fall asleep to every night. I guess I just need a friend.
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