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Everything posted by hendricksbrock

  1. Hi everyone. You all have been so kind to me since my start on this forum and made me feel like I was understood and not alone. I wanted to reach out during this scary time and make sure everyone is OK. This virus hit us unexpectedly fast... one minute nobody cared and the next minute entire cities are being put on lock down and groceries are impossible to find. For whatever reason, we’ve all been affected by the virus. Whether you’ve been directly exposed, are out of work, out of school and forced to return to a toxic home life, are now unable to attend therapy, are dealing with contamination anxiety, worried about loved ones, disappointed with how people are acting, having trouble with being alone in quarantine, feeling lonely... whatever. Your feelings are valid and I hope you’re coping and getting by ok. I can’t remember who said it but someone on tumblr said “after the plague came the renaissance...” so while the news may make it seem like it’s the end of the world, it’s not. We will be okay. Somehow, some way. We just have to have hope. I just wanted to check in and see how all of you are.
  2. Hey George, Sorry to hear that 2020 has been so tough recently. I wish I could say more to help, but know that I empathize with your pain and anger right now. I think the COVID-19 situation has made things so much crazier than they already were. Life has been put on hold while at the same time moving faster than ever... feels like 2020 has been going on for two years now! I’m sorry to hear you can’t get your medication, that’s awful and I don’t think it’s wrong of you to be upset about it. I know it’s important we prioritize COVID-19 patients, but I also don’t think it’s wrong of you to feel disappointed your needs aren’t being met either. My mother recently had surgery and many of her follow up appointments were cancelled due to the virus. It’s a scary and frustrating time, for sure. I hope the best for you and that things start to get better.
  3. Yeah, I feel the same way. I’m sorry it’s been hard for you recently, I know it has for me too. It feels like a nightmare sometimes. Before this all got as bad as it is right now, I remember I was trying not to freak out about it. Everyone at work was talking about stocking up on emergency supplies, buying masks, sanitizer, etc. I said, ”I don’t think that’s necessary, you know? It’s not like this is the end of the world.” (This was before Italy was hit so hard and the U.S had so many cases.) I was trying to stay positive because I’d already freaked out about it enough in my head... and if there’s one thing I’ve learned through all my OCD counseling... panic is a useless emotion. I remember one of my friends said “well don’t come crying to me when you have no food and water.” It was such a nasty thing to say. I always thought times like this should bring out the best of the human spirit, these are the times when we uplift each other (from a distance, lol) and extend help to whoever needs it. I was shocked at his negativity, but realized this is what made him feel better. If feeling prepared calmed him, then I just thought... so be it. My response was, “well, my house is on a well. don’t think I’ll be needing the water!”
  4. I totally empathize with wanting to run away from this nightmare. It’s ridiculous and all anybody wants to talk about. I feel like there are lots of people under reacting and way more people overreacting... everybody makes it seem like it’s some inescapable horrible disease that’s the end of the world as we know it. I’m more worried about not being able to buy coffee or food because people keep buying all of it. Blech. Sick of it.
  5. I mentioned in my last post that the corona virus was really debilitating me and flaring up my OCD, and that was when there was only 1 case in my city. There are now over 100. My university kicked us all out, and I had to take a leave of absence from work and move back home with my family. I don’t mind that... I need to be with my mom right now, she’s recovering from a mastectomy and it’s good that I’m with her. I don’t mind being home at all, actually. It’s nice to not have to leave home... I don’t have to wash my hands with scorching hot water every 2 seconds and further abuse them by lathering them with hand sanitizer. My hands were so dry they were cracking and bleeding and burned whenever I tried to moisturize them. I guess it seems innocent enough that I enjoy being home, but it’s not really when you consider the fact I’m almost completely agoraphobic. But hey... not my fault I got sent home from school! I’m just indulging in the fact that I don’t have to go anywhere, lol. The pressure is off, so to speak. (And yet in many ways, it is not.) It’s just hard... you never think you’ll have to live out your biggest fears and yet here I am. Living them out in excruciating detail... a worldwide pandemic. Hmmm. Has a spicy ring to it, doesn’t it? I feel very lonely. I’m not sure people understand when I tell them this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to deal with. It’s on the news 24/7, it’s all doom and gloom and life or death. I have to think about that stuff all the time anyway, so it sucks to hear other people talk about it. When the person with OCD is the most rational in the room, you know you have an issue. We don’t even have access to groceries around here- people are panicking that bad. I had two hours to move my things out of my dorm, and on the way back my dad drove me by my favorite place to sit in the city, a small dock on the water. I go there to sit and think about my life... I’ve always told my mom it’s impossible to not be happy there. Just a week ago I was sitting there with my legs hung over the side, a smile on my face thinking “things are going to be okay.” I had just scheduled a therapists appointment for myself. (Which I had to cancel because I had to leave the city.) It’s crazy to think how much has changed in that week. It’s crazy to look back at a week ago and think “wow, I was so much happier then.” When in reality, last week I was thinking about the week before and thinking the same thing. I guess we never know how good we have it until it’s gone, huh? I feel small right now... unheard amongst all this chaos. I feel so insignificant in so many ways. There is nothing I can do... I’m helpless to this scenario. I can’t live a life without control and well... that’s pretty much my whole life now. And trust me, I’m coping quite terribly. I know I’m not the only one feeling this way, we’re all being affected negatively by this virus and my heart goes out to anyone struggling and suffering. I think things like these can bring out the worst in people... I know in this past week I’ve seen more undesirable traits from people I know than desirable... but all we can do is be there for each other. But in times like these, even just surviving through the morning news seems impossible.
  6. For some reason I really love VDAY. I love it for the platonic love though, not the romantic. It gives me a chance to spoil my friends and I always bring festive donuts into work. (I LOVE donuts.) I’ve been hopelessly in love with a friend of mine for almost two years now, and we work together that Friday, so I’m sure that’ll sting, but really it’s just another day I suppose. What’s hard is having to walk my friends through the day :/. A few of my friends are really lonely and I feel for them cause I get it, but sometimes it’s hard to try and help them because I have other issues going on in my life (parents getting divorce, mom having cancer,) and sometimes that makes it hard to constantly have to reiterate, “You will find love etc etc etc.” and just have them say “I hate my life I hate myself I’ll never find love! What’s the point!” in return. It’s hard because I feel like no matter how hard I try I can’t help them, and it is frustrating. I wish there was something more I could do to make this time of year easier for them. I just want to have fun with my friends but this time of year it just turns into one big “I’ll never find love,” festival, which makes me feel like I’ll never find love, and then it just sucks.
  7. Thanks for the birthday wishes! I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. Thank you for reaching out to me, it means a lot.
  8. Thank you for the birthday wishes. You’re probably right. My parents said the same thing. I remember the swine flu crisis, everyone was talking like it was the end of the world. I’ve decided to tune out of the news for a few days to catch a break from the endless fear mongering. It’s not doing me any good!
  9. I have had OCD all my life and been through many ups and downs with it, but for some reason recently it’s been at it’s worse. I’m assuming the added stress of my mom having cancer as well as my parents divorce has caused some turmoil, but I thought by this time I would’ve learned to cope better. On top of school and work I feel like I’m deteriorating at an accelerating rate. I have always had an intense fear of illness but recently it’s driving me to the point of not being able to leave home or my dorm. I go home every weekend to see my mom but once I’m home, I don’t want to leave. I cry when she brings me back and have to take a Xanax. I used to love going out and taking the subway places and trying new things but now it’s painful for me to even get to class. I have to have a seat by the door and if I don’t I’ll wig out. I’m always convinced I’m going to throw up or catch something or embarrass myself in public so I just don’t want to leave the safety of my home. It’s so hard for me even to go grocery shopping. I always get these senses of doom that something horrible is going to happen to me. With all this talk of the coronavirus it’s been really hard on me. My fear of illness is bad enough as it is but seeing it everywhere is taking its toll. The first case was just diagnosed in my city and I am devastated. I’m celebrating my birthday with my parents today but I just want to die. I know it sounds dramatic but I can’t deal with this fear and panic anymore it’s driving me insane. My mom has cancer and is immunocompromised and I can’t stop thinking about how if I got the virus and spread it to her, it could **** her and be my fault. It’s all I can think about. I just want to be left alone I want to stop hearing about the disease I can’t take it I’m losing it. My mom thinks I’ve become agoraphobic and thinks I should take a leave of absence from school and work and seek treatment. I don’t think she is right- I KNOW she is right. But my fear of being a failure keeps me from dropping out. What do I do?
  10. Thank you so much for reaching out to me, especially during the holidays. It means so much and I think you’re right, I definitely need to find a therapist. I had a great one a year ago but unfortunately moved and haven’t found another since. I think part of me thinks “I’ll never find one as good as her so what’s the point?” But that’s a ridiculous way to think haha! Finding a new therapist always seems so daunting but I know that’s it’s just a part of the process. Thank you for encouraging me to not to give up. I really really need to hear that sometimes! I hope you’re doing well and thank you again for offering me such kinda words.
  11. I want to thank you so much for your kind words! I’m so sorry for responding so late but it’s been crazy over the holidays. Thank you so much for reaching out to me, I was in a really dark place and you really made me feel more confident in the fact that the way I’m feeling is only temporary. My family is in a tough spot right now, I don’t think we’ve ever had to deal with the things we’ve dealt with this year and our already slightly dysfunctional structure was even more challenged. I know I love them very much and they love me very much but I think you’re right... After such a transformative year for all of us maybe we need time to grow and find out who we are. After that we can begin to seek out our relationships in healthier ways maybe. I love my family so much and want to be with them always but I think you’re right when you say that perhaps distance and finding out who I am separate of these relationships is best. Thank you so much again for reaching out and sharing with me your own experiences. It means more than you could know. I hope you’re doing well and 2020 is off to a good start for you.
  12. I don't know what to do anymore.I haven't posted here for awhile because I'm at a loss for words. I don't even know what to say anymore, you know? It's ridiculous for me to even try because I know nothing I can say can convey to you how I feel. At this point in my life, everything feels redundant. There is no point to anything I do. Why try? My family thinks I am selfish and I know so because they tell me that. I'm not telling you this because I'm like "look at how unfair my family is" I'm telling you this because it's probably true. I've heard it from them all, "I love you... but I'm disappointed." "All you do is think about yourself." "You only ever want to victimize yourself you can't even be a sister or daughter." I'm not here to debate the validity of the things they say to me because I am tired of that. I know there is no winning even if I admit those things are true or false. At the end of the day, this is how my family feels about me. That is how they see me. Whether I truly am a selfish person I'm not sure I'll ever know, but they've made it plain to me how they feel. And it hurts, you know? I'm all about sharing feelings but knowing your family thinks you're a horrible person is hard. I try to change but I've heard this same thing for years. My sister prides herself on being honest but sometimes she is too honest, sometimes I just don't want to hear the details of how much I take and take and take. I've already wondered if I am a horrible person and the jury decided YES! You are! I know I am one! I'm with you there, girl. I know it is unfair to me to not allow her to talk about how she feels, if she feels that way about me then that is how she feels. I can't just mute her and pretend I'm not hearing it because I "AlReaDy HaTe MySelF." That would make me... selfish. Do you see what I mean when I say everything is so redundant? I always come back to point one. I know if my family saw this post they would think I'm just looking for sympathy because apparently that is all I ever do. I don't want them to feel that way about me, I don't want them to see this. I am ashamed of my own gluttony sometimes. How do I outrun my own self hatred when I think in a lot of ways it is well deserved? So I am at a loss. I don't know what to do. I would say I'm at a crossroads but I don't see any paths at all. I don't want to tell people about the way I'm feeling and the things I'm thinking because I'm not sure how they will react. I used to think "will my life be liked this ten years from now? is this still who I will be?" Now, I do not think about my life at all. I am sick of it. I am sick of myself.
  13. When it comes to writing about things like this I never know if I should start by apologizing or by asking for help. Usually I resolve and do neither, because I've done both before and they've gotten me nowhere. But I always end up right back here. I don't know what do anymore. I am very sad. I hate myself so much, you know? Like I hate every fiber of my being. It's so hard for me to carry on a normal conversation without shutting myself up because I hate how disgusting I sound. Not my voice, or anything. Just the content of what I say. I sound like a selfish coward. I sound like a jerk, or a loser, or whatever. I can't imagine how I sound to others. In one way or another, I think I've asked everyone in my life for help. I don't know if people are descentized or something, but no one seems to care. I'm just annoying them. One thing keeps coming after another, hitting me like a truck. After each blow I start to forget what side of the street I was walking on. People ask the surface level questions but never respond to the content of my answers. "How's your mom? Oh, she's in the hospital? That's too bad. Have a good day!" "How was class? Oh, you overslept cause you took a xanax? Lol you're too wild! Cya later." "Wanna get lunch? Not hungry? Ugh! You're never "hungry." Whatever, bye." I come back to my room and think about why I keep doing it, you know? I annoy my own family. I don't have any friends. I hate myself. I hate my job. I can't eat, I tried to talk to my sister about it but she just makes shitty comments about me not eating in front of our family. Everyone, and I mean everyone, tells me how skinny or unwell I look but never bothers to ask me why. Don't say anything, then. Why point out the obvious if you don't plan on helping? It's a painful reminder of how many people don't care. I told my sister hoping she could help me, not berate me. I wish she could see that me telling her about something so private was a last resort. I don't know what to do anymore. It feels like there's no hope. It's like I've been buried alive and can't tell if I'm digging up or down. I've asked, no, SCREAMED for help again, and again, and again. But nobody cares. Why should I?
  14. Hey. I understand how hard it can be, especially with social media. I have struggled a lot with body image almost all my life, and a lot of that came from how guys treated me and how my friends continually were the ones the guys wanted. When I finally got to highschool, I did everything in my power to appear desireable. I harmed myself in a lot of ways and even still then I couldn't get photos that pleased me or clothes that fit the way I needed them to. I was always cutting and coloring my hair, changing my style, and even changing my personality to try and impress the same pool of guys. When I finally did get their attention, it didn't end well. I learned really quickly a lot of those guys were actually just major a**holes. They weren't even nice to those "pretty girls" who I'd been envious of all that time. They were just... mean. And in a crazy turn of events, I learned they were actually not worth MY time, not the other way around. And I also learned a lot of those girls who post those pictures and put out the vibe that they're "all that," didn't really feel that way, and were just as insecure as I am. A picture is worth a thousand words but I think right now all it means is validation for some people. Remember you are not alone, and you are beautiful and incredible just as you are! I would rather be different and happy than "normal" and not. Sending love!!
  15. I have had a hard time readjusting to being back at college. I currently am not in therapy and if I'm being honest I would feel bad asking my family to pay for therapy witheverything else we have going on right now, but at the same time I know I cannot afford to pay for therapy on my own. Last year my depression subsided greatly when I began school, but I'm assuming that's because I was a freshman at the time and being busy constantly made things easier for me. However, after this summer, I'm just not sure I can forget or return to life like nothing is wrong. These past few days have been particularly bad, I'm in a new major and my parents had to drop a hefty amount for supplies this year and we haven't even bought my books yet, which are going to cost almost 200$. Where I work has been very mismanaged the past few months and that pressure has fallen on me and other workers, who are also full time students. It's so much work for not a lot of money and little thanks, and that is something I am usually okay with. However last night was a really bad night at work and something happened that caused me to have a panic attack, but I had no choice but to keep working because all my other coworkers slacked off and did no work. I got off at 10:30 pm and had to come back in at 5:00am. I work very hard and care about my job and love my coworkers, they are what make coming to work so bearable, however this morning a manager publically shamed me and another coworker for being too "jokey," at work, and did so in front of other employees. That same manager implied there might be romance involved which was embarassing for the both of us, especially me, because I do like this person but I do not believe they like me. It was awkward and shameful, and we were told we were no longer allowed to be friendly with each other like that at work. Believe me when I tell you there was nothing inapropriate about the way we were interacting, and by the way, this is a RETAIL job, last time I checked we can converse with one another. I have known this friend for a year and consider him a close friend but after being embarassed by our manager in front of other workers we can barely look at each other. I planned to come home to see my parents with how sad I was feeling, but my friend just told me her roommate is in the hospital with pneumonia, and I spend most my time in her room. My mother has cancer and is getting chemo, and right now her immune system is at an all time low. I can't justify putting her at risk of contracting something that serious for my own selfish reasons. Besides living with OCD is so hard if she did get sick I could never forgive myself. I am already imagining the worse. I feel alone. I feel miserable. I feel hopeless. I feel tired. I just don't know what to do anymore
  16. Thank you so much for responding, to know I am not alone makes me feel a lot better. Sometimes it feels like I'm hopeless but knowing there are others out there who know how I feel helps tremendously with that feeling. Thank you so much for complimenting my writing! I love to write and will try to do it more often as it helps relieve stress. Also, I would love to know the titles of those books! I am willing to try/ read anything that can help. Thank you so much again for the incredibly kind words.
  17. Thank you so much for the advice. I talked to my mom about going back to counseling and she was so supportive of it, which was such a relief. Just letting someone know what's going on feels good. Thank you again so much for reaching out, it means a lot to me.
  18. For the past month or so I’ve been fighting this depression and OCD with everything I have. I’d always convince myself that I could be worse, or that I wasn’t “there,” yet, not really sure where “there,” is. But I think it’s time I stop lying. I need help. I haven’t seen a therapist in over a year now, but it’s not like it’s been exactly easy to try and see one. I’m a college student and the most college counselors will tell you is that “yeah, life is hard! this transition must be hard.” And then recommend a yoga class. Of course in the city there’d be finding one, paying the fee, making the appointment and waiting, only to find out they’re just another bad therapist. God knows there are so many. I’m so depressed, so negative. Every day gets harder and harder, sometimes just talking makes me want to cry. I don’t understand why I am here or what I am living for. I can’t stop having panic attacks, and when I’m tired and so sad and so sick of being betrayed by myself it’s hard not to think “what quality of life is this to be living?” Because I know the answer: it isn’t quality. Gasping for air and not being able to walk in the middle of a subway terminal for no particular reason at all leaves something to be desired. Everything brings me pain and frustration, I can barely leave the house without getting an anxiety attack. I get multiples of them a day and just want them to be gone, I can’t take it anymore. My body is exhausted, I’m exhausted. I just sit there with my burning eyes and weepy heart and wonder “can I do this for another day?” I don’t want to. But I don’t know if I have the strength to get help and recover just to relapse. I’m so tired. I’m so hopeless. I have to get on six different trains everyday just to get to and from work and just watching them come in makes me ache. I can’t put myself through this. Getting up is torture but I can’t quit. I hate to say this but I don’t feel strong right now. Nothing brings me joy. I just want to sleep. I find myself envying others, what it must feel like to not be so sick all the time. When I have anxiety attacks it feels like the world is ending, like I’m having a heart attack and an asthma attack while simultaneously being on the verge of throwing up. Whenever I’m not having one I live in fear of another one coming. I can’t leave the house without Xanax because I’m so afraid what will happen if it’s not with me, though recently I don’t take it as often as I’m running low and I know my doctor won’t prescribe me more without questions. I’ve only been with her a few months and she doesn’t know about my depression OR OCD and I’d like to keep it that way. She is not the nicest person or doctor. All the things that used to bring me joy don’t. I don’t even want to get out of bed. I don’t want to love anyone. I mean Jesus, how would I meet anyone anyways when I’m too afraid to leave the house. I have no friends. Who’s fault is that? I hate myself, and when I don’t hate myself I feel nothing. I only feel pain. I can’t even listen to music anymore, it just bothers me. There’s no point. I’m scaring myself. What do I do? My panic rules my life. Where do I go from here? I’m so paranoid I don’t even sleep. My stomach is a wreck so I don’t even eat. It doesn’t help one of my biggest fears is getting sick so it’s hard to live life when that’s all I feel. I have this dark feeling in my heart and stomach I can’t escape. I need some form of relief I can’t go on feeling like this. I can’t live like this anymore. What do I do? Im f*cking desperate
  19. Hey crewneck, I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. I wish I had more advice on how to ease your anxiety on an interview, but I always find myself rather anxious myself for interviews. For example, an anecdote. at my first job interview ever they asked if there were any brands I was loyal to, and in my confusion of not knowing what to say, I said Dorito’s. I mean... I could’ve given any other answer! But in reality, it’s not that big of a deal, and I think I cared much more about my fumble than my interviewer did. I can understand where you’re coming from when you think “I’m not skilled enough,” or “there are better people out there,” but you can’t think those things, because they aren’t true. I always try to remind myself when I think those things that it’s my brains way of convincing me to stay afraid, and to stop me from trying something new. A friend posted on Instagram once a quote that read “there are less qualified people doing the things you want to do because they believe in themselves. period.” And while I don’t love Instagram, there is some truth in that, isn’t there? I’m sorry you have so much anxiety over job interviews, I know it isn’t fun, and I wish I had better advice. My best advice, as corny as it is, is to believe in yourself. Because you are skilled. And talented, and qualified, and deserving.
  20. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. It’s so beautifully written, and it feels like a weight has been lifted knowing I’m not alone. I’m going to try and keep reminding myself to be kinder to myself, and also remember I am only human, and humans make mistakes. I remember the first time I ever remembered this specific memory of the mistake- I was 16, and my mom was out of town, I was wracking myself with grief! So I told my friends, asking for advice on what to do. They laughed at me and said they’d all done the same thing, and that I shouldn’t define myself by a mistake. That I should let it go! You’d think years later I’d listen to them and remember what they said, but my OCD is always sniffing for a reason to make me feel guilty, afraid, or unsure of myself. Sometimes it’s hard for me to find logic when it comes to forgiving myself. Your post helped me feel a lot better, and reminded me of my friends words and that I need to forgive myself and move on! Thank you.
  21. Thank you so much for this. I kept re-reading it and re-reading it. It meant so much to me 🙂 this helped me a lot and brought such a huge smile to my face, thank you for that. I’m glad to hear my posts are meaningful, it makes me feel happy in a way I cannot describe. Thank you, again.
  22. Dear Coz, I hope you’re doing well. I know there’s a lot of pressure in our society right now to label who we are, and while that can be a good and comforting thing for some people, for others it can be very stressful. I know our situations are different and I don’t mean to compare, but I’ve struggled with my sexuality as well, and I sort’ve know how you feel. Don’t pressure yourself to put a label on who you are if you aren’t ready yet, and especially don’t rush into toxic relationships with men to prove a point to yourself. I’ve done the same, and the ending is always miserable, and I just end up more confused. You’re incredible and amazing just as you are, and know that for now. As for the being “normal,” I know what you mean. Society can make us feel like there isn’t a place for gay women but know that isn’t true- it’s the complete opposite. And as far as hurting the people you love and fearing the change it might bring, just do what feels right, safe and good for YOU for now. Sending much love. Know how strong, wanted, and wonderful you are. You deserve pure and unconditional love. Always.
  23. Thank you so much for this 🙂 it really helps to remind me I am not alone. Sometimes it’s hard because I feel like the entire world hates me and I have no place here. But you’re right, there are good moments and I’m going to try a little harder at night to distract myself. Again, thank you so much. It means the world to me.
  24. I am desperately needing advice. I feel as though there is no where else for me to go right now I am trapped. I currently do not have a counselor. I am hopeless. My OCD makes me feel like the secret I am harboring is so dark that anyone who knows will hate me if I tell them. I am struggling with real event OCD and guilt OCD. I cannot get over something I did when I was 14-15. I CANNOT forgive myself. It keeps me up at night, I just can’t stop thinking about how terrible I am. And even when I tell myself I meant no harm when I did it, I tell myself that is no excuse, and I can never forgive myself for what I did. Should I? I’m in so much pain. I need relief. I’m also telling myself that when I try to get a career everyone will find out... they’ll all hate me, they’ll all know who I really am. And they will affirm what I fear being told. That I do not deserve to be here. Even though that’s not who I really am. I am not a bad person but I keep telling myself I am. I don’t know what to do, it’s all I can think about. My OCD tells me I don’t even deserve to live for what I did. It’s terrifying. I’m in such a dark place. I’m so unhappy and very very scared and so guilty but I can’t forgive myself. I need to move on but I don’t know how.
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