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About hendricksbrock

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  1. Thank you so much for reaching out to me, especially during the holidays. It means so much and I think you’re right, I definitely need to find a therapist. I had a great one a year ago but unfortunately moved and haven’t found another since. I think part of me thinks “I’ll never find one as good as her so what’s the point?” But that’s a ridiculous way to think haha! Finding a new therapist always seems so daunting but I know that’s it’s just a part of the process. Thank you for encouraging me to not to give up. I really really need to hear that sometimes! I hope you’re doing well and thank you again for offering me such kinda words.
  2. I want to thank you so much for your kind words! I’m so sorry for responding so late but it’s been crazy over the holidays. Thank you so much for reaching out to me, I was in a really dark place and you really made me feel more confident in the fact that the way I’m feeling is only temporary. My family is in a tough spot right now, I don’t think we’ve ever had to deal with the things we’ve dealt with this year and our already slightly dysfunctional structure was even more challenged. I know I love them very much and they love me very much but I think you’re right... After such a transformative year for all of us maybe we need time to grow and find out who we are. After that we can begin to seek out our relationships in healthier ways maybe. I love my family so much and want to be with them always but I think you’re right when you say that perhaps distance and finding out who I am separate of these relationships is best. Thank you so much again for reaching out and sharing with me your own experiences. It means more than you could know. I hope you’re doing well and 2020 is off to a good start for you.
  3. I don't know what to do anymore.I haven't posted here for awhile because I'm at a loss for words. I don't even know what to say anymore, you know? It's ridiculous for me to even try because I know nothing I can say can convey to you how I feel. At this point in my life, everything feels redundant. There is no point to anything I do. Why try? My family thinks I am selfish and I know so because they tell me that. I'm not telling you this because I'm like "look at how unfair my family is" I'm telling you this because it's probably true. I've heard it from them all, "I love you... but I'm disappointed." "All you do is think about yourself." "You only ever want to victimize yourself you can't even be a sister or daughter." I'm not here to debate the validity of the things they say to me because I am tired of that. I know there is no winning even if I admit those things are true or false. At the end of the day, this is how my family feels about me. That is how they see me. Whether I truly am a selfish person I'm not sure I'll ever know, but they've made it plain to me how they feel. And it hurts, you know? I'm all about sharing feelings but knowing your family thinks you're a horrible person is hard. I try to change but I've heard this same thing for years. My sister prides herself on being honest but sometimes she is too honest, sometimes I just don't want to hear the details of how much I take and take and take. I've already wondered if I am a horrible person and the jury decided YES! You are! I know I am one! I'm with you there, girl. I know it is unfair to me to not allow her to talk about how she feels, if she feels that way about me then that is how she feels. I can't just mute her and pretend I'm not hearing it because I "AlReaDy HaTe MySelF." That would make me... selfish. Do you see what I mean when I say everything is so redundant? I always come back to point one. I know if my family saw this post they would think I'm just looking for sympathy because apparently that is all I ever do. I don't want them to feel that way about me, I don't want them to see this. I am ashamed of my own gluttony sometimes. How do I outrun my own self hatred when I think in a lot of ways it is well deserved? So I am at a loss. I don't know what to do. I would say I'm at a crossroads but I don't see any paths at all. I don't want to tell people about the way I'm feeling and the things I'm thinking because I'm not sure how they will react. I used to think "will my life be liked this ten years from now? is this still who I will be?" Now, I do not think about my life at all. I am sick of it. I am sick of myself.
  4. When it comes to writing about things like this I never know if I should start by apologizing or by asking for help. Usually I resolve and do neither, because I've done both before and they've gotten me nowhere. But I always end up right back here. I don't know what do anymore. I am very sad. I hate myself so much, you know? Like I hate every fiber of my being. It's so hard for me to carry on a normal conversation without shutting myself up because I hate how disgusting I sound. Not my voice, or anything. Just the content of what I say. I sound like a selfish coward. I sound like a jerk, or a loser, or whatever. I can't imagine how I sound to others. In one way or another, I think I've asked everyone in my life for help. I don't know if people are descentized or something, but no one seems to care. I'm just annoying them. One thing keeps coming after another, hitting me like a truck. After each blow I start to forget what side of the street I was walking on. People ask the surface level questions but never respond to the content of my answers. "How's your mom? Oh, she's in the hospital? That's too bad. Have a good day!" "How was class? Oh, you overslept cause you took a xanax? Lol you're too wild! Cya later." "Wanna get lunch? Not hungry? Ugh! You're never "hungry." Whatever, bye." I come back to my room and think about why I keep doing it, you know? I annoy my own family. I don't have any friends. I hate myself. I hate my job. I can't eat, I tried to talk to my sister about it but she just makes shitty comments about me not eating in front of our family. Everyone, and I mean everyone, tells me how skinny or unwell I look but never bothers to ask me why. Don't say anything, then. Why point out the obvious if you don't plan on helping? It's a painful reminder of how many people don't care. I told my sister hoping she could help me, not berate me. I wish she could see that me telling her about something so private was a last resort. I don't know what to do anymore. It feels like there's no hope. It's like I've been buried alive and can't tell if I'm digging up or down. I've asked, no, SCREAMED for help again, and again, and again. But nobody cares. Why should I?
  5. Hey. I understand how hard it can be, especially with social media. I have struggled a lot with body image almost all my life, and a lot of that came from how guys treated me and how my friends continually were the ones the guys wanted. When I finally got to highschool, I did everything in my power to appear desireable. I harmed myself in a lot of ways and even still then I couldn't get photos that pleased me or clothes that fit the way I needed them to. I was always cutting and coloring my hair, changing my style, and even changing my personality to try and impress the same pool of guys. When I finally did get their attention, it didn't end well. I learned really quickly a lot of those guys were actually just major a**holes. They weren't even nice to those "pretty girls" who I'd been envious of all that time. They were just... mean. And in a crazy turn of events, I learned they were actually not worth MY time, not the other way around. And I also learned a lot of those girls who post those pictures and put out the vibe that they're "all that," didn't really feel that way, and were just as insecure as I am. A picture is worth a thousand words but I think right now all it means is validation for some people. Remember you are not alone, and you are beautiful and incredible just as you are! I would rather be different and happy than "normal" and not. Sending love!!
  6. I have had a hard time readjusting to being back at college. I currently am not in therapy and if I'm being honest I would feel bad asking my family to pay for therapy witheverything else we have going on right now, but at the same time I know I cannot afford to pay for therapy on my own. Last year my depression subsided greatly when I began school, but I'm assuming that's because I was a freshman at the time and being busy constantly made things easier for me. However, after this summer, I'm just not sure I can forget or return to life like nothing is wrong. These past few days have been particularly bad, I'm in a new major and my parents had to drop a hefty amount for supplies this year and we haven't even bought my books yet, which are going to cost almost 200$. Where I work has been very mismanaged the past few months and that pressure has fallen on me and other workers, who are also full time students. It's so much work for not a lot of money and little thanks, and that is something I am usually okay with. However last night was a really bad night at work and something happened that caused me to have a panic attack, but I had no choice but to keep working because all my other coworkers slacked off and did no work. I got off at 10:30 pm and had to come back in at 5:00am. I work very hard and care about my job and love my coworkers, they are what make coming to work so bearable, however this morning a manager publically shamed me and another coworker for being too "jokey," at work, and did so in front of other employees. That same manager implied there might be romance involved which was embarassing for the both of us, especially me, because I do like this person but I do not believe they like me. It was awkward and shameful, and we were told we were no longer allowed to be friendly with each other like that at work. Believe me when I tell you there was nothing inapropriate about the way we were interacting, and by the way, this is a RETAIL job, last time I checked we can converse with one another. I have known this friend for a year and consider him a close friend but after being embarassed by our manager in front of other workers we can barely look at each other. I planned to come home to see my parents with how sad I was feeling, but my friend just told me her roommate is in the hospital with pneumonia, and I spend most my time in her room. My mother has cancer and is getting chemo, and right now her immune system is at an all time low. I can't justify putting her at risk of contracting something that serious for my own selfish reasons. Besides living with OCD is so hard if she did get sick I could never forgive myself. I am already imagining the worse. I feel alone. I feel miserable. I feel hopeless. I feel tired. I just don't know what to do anymore
  7. Thank you so much for responding, to know I am not alone makes me feel a lot better. Sometimes it feels like I'm hopeless but knowing there are others out there who know how I feel helps tremendously with that feeling. Thank you so much for complimenting my writing! I love to write and will try to do it more often as it helps relieve stress. Also, I would love to know the titles of those books! I am willing to try/ read anything that can help. Thank you so much again for the incredibly kind words.
  8. Thank you so much for the advice. I talked to my mom about going back to counseling and she was so supportive of it, which was such a relief. Just letting someone know what's going on feels good. Thank you again so much for reaching out, it means a lot to me.
  9. For the past month or so I’ve been fighting this depression and OCD with everything I have. I’d always convince myself that I could be worse, or that I wasn’t “there,” yet, not really sure where “there,” is. But I think it’s time I stop lying. I need help. I haven’t seen a therapist in over a year now, but it’s not like it’s been exactly easy to try and see one. I’m a college student and the most college counselors will tell you is that “yeah, life is hard! this transition must be hard.” And then recommend a yoga class. Of course in the city there’d be finding one, paying the fee, making the appointment and waiting, only to find out they’re just another bad therapist. God knows there are so many. I’m so depressed, so negative. Every day gets harder and harder, sometimes just talking makes me want to cry. I don’t understand why I am here or what I am living for. I can’t stop having panic attacks, and when I’m tired and so sad and so sick of being betrayed by myself it’s hard not to think “what quality of life is this to be living?” Because I know the answer: it isn’t quality. Gasping for air and not being able to walk in the middle of a subway terminal for no particular reason at all leaves something to be desired. Everything brings me pain and frustration, I can barely leave the house without getting an anxiety attack. I get multiples of them a day and just want them to be gone, I can’t take it anymore. My body is exhausted, I’m exhausted. I just sit there with my burning eyes and weepy heart and wonder “can I do this for another day?” I don’t want to. But I don’t know if I have the strength to get help and recover just to relapse. I’m so tired. I’m so hopeless. I have to get on six different trains everyday just to get to and from work and just watching them come in makes me ache. I can’t put myself through this. Getting up is torture but I can’t quit. I hate to say this but I don’t feel strong right now. Nothing brings me joy. I just want to sleep. I find myself envying others, what it must feel like to not be so sick all the time. When I have anxiety attacks it feels like the world is ending, like I’m having a heart attack and an asthma attack while simultaneously being on the verge of throwing up. Whenever I’m not having one I live in fear of another one coming. I can’t leave the house without Xanax because I’m so afraid what will happen if it’s not with me, though recently I don’t take it as often as I’m running low and I know my doctor won’t prescribe me more without questions. I’ve only been with her a few months and she doesn’t know about my depression OR OCD and I’d like to keep it that way. She is not the nicest person or doctor. All the things that used to bring me joy don’t. I don’t even want to get out of bed. I don’t want to love anyone. I mean Jesus, how would I meet anyone anyways when I’m too afraid to leave the house. I have no friends. Who’s fault is that? I hate myself, and when I don’t hate myself I feel nothing. I only feel pain. I can’t even listen to music anymore, it just bothers me. There’s no point. I’m scaring myself. What do I do? My panic rules my life. Where do I go from here? I’m so paranoid I don’t even sleep. My stomach is a wreck so I don’t even eat. It doesn’t help one of my biggest fears is getting sick so it’s hard to live life when that’s all I feel. I have this dark feeling in my heart and stomach I can’t escape. I need some form of relief I can’t go on feeling like this. I can’t live like this anymore. What do I do? Im f*cking desperate
  10. Hey crewneck, I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. I wish I had more advice on how to ease your anxiety on an interview, but I always find myself rather anxious myself for interviews. For example, an anecdote. at my first job interview ever they asked if there were any brands I was loyal to, and in my confusion of not knowing what to say, I said Dorito’s. I mean... I could’ve given any other answer! But in reality, it’s not that big of a deal, and I think I cared much more about my fumble than my interviewer did. I can understand where you’re coming from when you think “I’m not skilled enough,” or “there are better people out there,” but you can’t think those things, because they aren’t true. I always try to remind myself when I think those things that it’s my brains way of convincing me to stay afraid, and to stop me from trying something new. A friend posted on Instagram once a quote that read “there are less qualified people doing the things you want to do because they believe in themselves. period.” And while I don’t love Instagram, there is some truth in that, isn’t there? I’m sorry you have so much anxiety over job interviews, I know it isn’t fun, and I wish I had better advice. My best advice, as corny as it is, is to believe in yourself. Because you are skilled. And talented, and qualified, and deserving.
  11. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. It’s so beautifully written, and it feels like a weight has been lifted knowing I’m not alone. I’m going to try and keep reminding myself to be kinder to myself, and also remember I am only human, and humans make mistakes. I remember the first time I ever remembered this specific memory of the mistake- I was 16, and my mom was out of town, I was wracking myself with grief! So I told my friends, asking for advice on what to do. They laughed at me and said they’d all done the same thing, and that I shouldn’t define myself by a mistake. That I should let it go! You’d think years later I’d listen to them and remember what they said, but my OCD is always sniffing for a reason to make me feel guilty, afraid, or unsure of myself. Sometimes it’s hard for me to find logic when it comes to forgiving myself. Your post helped me feel a lot better, and reminded me of my friends words and that I need to forgive myself and move on! Thank you.
  12. Thank you so much for this. I kept re-reading it and re-reading it. It meant so much to me 🙂 this helped me a lot and brought such a huge smile to my face, thank you for that. I’m glad to hear my posts are meaningful, it makes me feel happy in a way I cannot describe. Thank you, again.
  13. Dear Coz, I hope you’re doing well. I know there’s a lot of pressure in our society right now to label who we are, and while that can be a good and comforting thing for some people, for others it can be very stressful. I know our situations are different and I don’t mean to compare, but I’ve struggled with my sexuality as well, and I sort’ve know how you feel. Don’t pressure yourself to put a label on who you are if you aren’t ready yet, and especially don’t rush into toxic relationships with men to prove a point to yourself. I’ve done the same, and the ending is always miserable, and I just end up more confused. You’re incredible and amazing just as you are, and know that for now. As for the being “normal,” I know what you mean. Society can make us feel like there isn’t a place for gay women but know that isn’t true- it’s the complete opposite. And as far as hurting the people you love and fearing the change it might bring, just do what feels right, safe and good for YOU for now. Sending much love. Know how strong, wanted, and wonderful you are. You deserve pure and unconditional love. Always.
  14. Thank you so much for this 🙂 it really helps to remind me I am not alone. Sometimes it’s hard because I feel like the entire world hates me and I have no place here. But you’re right, there are good moments and I’m going to try a little harder at night to distract myself. Again, thank you so much. It means the world to me.
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