Hi everyone. I know. The title is really short and kinda uninformative but I couldn't find a better one to synthetisize.. All of this.
Just let me explain everything, from A to Z. Will take a while, so sit, grab some coffee if you want.
Let's start by quickly introducing myself. I'm a just a guy living with my charming and lovely family, one brother and two sisters. Well..
The main awry reason of my current state of mind is just that, well it's actually made of many many different reasons, but to begin with and to sum it up:
I'm living with a permanent uncurable (as for the current med and tech advancements so far) handicapped body. I have club feet and arms. You can look up to Google for a picture or anything to show you what it actually looks like.
Done yet? Nasty, isn't it? Well I don't know if there are people out there, and who are reading this, who genuinely could possibly understand what I'm going through, but anyway, I'll tell you everything.
For obvious reasons, my capabilities are.. Limited. You can't imagine. I'm incapacitated to the point of self-living 101. That's the main reason why I'm "depressed"-ish, it seems so small and simple but it's really not.
Basically, I can't live by my own. I can't be left alone on my own devices, I can't take care of myself. Do you see the big picture? Do you know, or understand how that feels like?
I can't get dressed on my own. I can't shower myself. I can't do mostly everything that a normal person can do. I always need help. From family mostly but I do have people from different institutions coming over too, like a nurse three times a week, or a physiotherapist. Everybody is here to help me, and everyone so kind to me. My friends, my classmates; the atmosphere over here is cool, no bullying- kind of stuff.
You might be wondering what I'm complaining about, if that's not being bullied?
I'm deeply sorry for those who are being discriminated and everything because they are living with a handicap, but that's not my case, as I'm not bullied in any way, and you can insult me, curse me, and you're right to do it. I have people who love me, support me, help me on an everyday basis. As you read on, you might feel like I'm ungrateful and that, and for those who have less than what I have, I just wanted to say, I'm not that a-word. I appreciate all of it. I am fully aware that there are people in worst cases than me, but they remain strong and try to live on, happily, not considering their "malfunction", which is why I don't get the right to complain because these people are better, they are strong, and I'm not.
I shouldn't be here. I'm not worthy of your time. But I still feel sad. Is it wrong to be sad? By the way, "sad" is such a small weak word. It's not enough to contain my complicated feelings.
Well, I'm not strong. I can't live this way. I don't want to live this way. I don't accept it. This is just not who I am. I am an adrenaline seeker. I need excitement in life. I need to live a fun life. I wanna feel every moment of it.
Tell me something, people. How would you have this life when you're stuck in a wheelchair, suffering every day because of weak bones, and when you have a muscleless body?
You can say whatever you want, like, "Hey, man, you can still have fun. There are other ways and adaptable ones to your situation". Just try to understand, it's not what I want and it truly doesn't make me feel any better.
Let me tell you on something. For instance.
Every once in some while, my family and I try to go out altogether and have fun somewhere. Like, walking around the city. The thing is, they push me sitting on my wheelchair.
I wanna point out the problems with this whole thing. First, I'm not having fun, this is not fun to be stuck in a wheelchair, you can't go wherever you want, not necessarily to a long distant point but just, you know, wandering around. I could also walk but not for a long time, as I feel the pain coming real quick whenever I step foot on hard ground. Second, they have some trouble handling my wheelchair as for the inconvenient sidewalks and road structures, bumps, fissures and obstacles, and also, I'm not really what we could qualify of a lightweight person. Third, I'm really not having fun, like, at all. But I put up my fake fun face.
Well, this is all an act. I'm pretending. I just don't want to show them the real me. Deep inside, I'm sad, depressed, whatever word you wanna put.
Every night, right before I sleep, I just think through, about the day, and the past week, and the next day and so on. And I let it all out. The tears I've been containing. And that lasts at least an hour. Crying myself to sleep. That has become my everyday routine.
I'm crying for the fact that I'm gonna have to live a boring monotonous life, a handicapped life. I can use a computer, can type on the keyboard. So that's it. My future life: computer scientist, just working as a productive machine making money behind a computer, stuck all day long behind a desk, enclosed in some 4-wall room. My only fun activities will be Netflix, eat, sleep, and do it all over again the next day. No mountain climbing, no bike riding, no jogging, no surfing, no piano plays, no Krav Maga..
You could say that it's all possible if it's adaptable for a handicapped person, but I tell you what, I've tried a lot of those, with the actual arrangements, but it's not really fun, still uncomfortable. It was the time when, a few years back, I thought I could still live the life I wanted as being incapacitated, I hoped so badly for it but it was a dead-end and I got really disappointed.
I've always wanted to jog. You know, waking up early in the morning, watching the sun rising up the sky as I run across parks (I've imagined Central Park). Workout too. I could never really do that. Warm-up, exercises, drills, diets, etc. Let me fill you in on a little secret. I've always wanted to enlist for military. Was like my dream job. But actually I don't really care much about my job, all I want is at the end of day, enjoy the benefits of having a normal body.
Alright, I know, there's a huge difference between dream and reality. And for those who haven't been reading carefully, don't you dare say "Hey, there are other roles that don't need you to involve any physical activity, so you'll be fine".. Get out.
I've tried ignoring my doc warnings, and going for the life I've always wanted. I tried working out, maybe having more strength will allow me to be able to be as close to normal as possible. But nope. My body said no. I got hurt in the process. My arms would hurt. My legs would feel like compressed, covered of bruises. And that's nothing compared to my "usual" everyday pain, even before I tried changing my life. Every morning when I would wake up, I could feel the pain in my entire body. I can barely walk 30mn before my feet start to do this noise, like my bones were cracking up.
I'm so frustrated. Every day, I would see everybody doing whatever they want to do, no pain no limit, it's normal. I would love to cook, as I see my mom making delicious food. I would love to just go out with my friends, hang around and grab a bite.. Practicing sports, basketball, surf..
You know what, yes, I'm wishing for a ton of things.
So I've realized that I'm doomed to live this way for the rest of my life, never really happy, always crying and never understood. Is that so, God? Why are you so cruel?
The worst thing is that, I've told my family about what I feel, about this all and they didn't seem to get it. Especially my mother. She would go on like "I've sacrificed so much for you [three], I'm busting my ass every day so we can have a decent life and thereafter, you can all freely study and accomplish great things.." and etc.
Yes, okay mom. I'll do everything that YOU want me to do, and never what I want to do that'll make me happy. I'll just, simply study, work, create a multinational firm, and once you will have all the money of the world, so rich that you don't know what to do with it, can I finally shoot myself off? Is that your definition of a fulfilled happy life?
But I understand her anger reaction. She just doesn't know what else to say because there is truly nothing that will help me. Because the only thing that will do something is to make me change my mind, right? Ain't gonna happen. It's not me. I am who I am, and you want to change everything about me? It sounds like lobotomy or a simple delete/replace action.
I'm just some guy with a personality that doesn't fit the body.
I wish I could go to college, have a dorm with my best friends, and we'd have fun, hell yeah. I'd study for a few years and graduate for a degree master and start settling down and everything, you know.
It sounds so simple but it's not. For you guys yes, but me? I need to consider if the place is handicap-accessible, if they have elevators, and also find people who will help me with everyday life stuff, like getting dressed, and a lot more.
I know I kinda wrote a novel but I couldn't express it all through just less than a few hundreds of words.
I just wanna feel happy for once. It seems not possible. I've even considered suicide but it would've caused more trouble to people around me. I actually thought of that all when I was sitting on my windowsill, ready to jump from the 5th floor.
I know, this is ending on a dark tone. So, I'll just say that.
You people, who are not suffering from any body/physical issues, just hope you get my message and realize how lucky you are. I'm not saying that it goes with "perfectly happy" or "living happily ever after" but just that, you have the chances I've never gotten and I want you to live as joyfully as you could. I know we all have issues but that's just life. Whatever depression you're going through because of a break-up or because you're not happy with your life, or whatever the reason is, just stop for a minute, think, and fix it or get on with it. Overcome this f*cling depression feeling and just live. Always be positive and make the best out of everything, be as happy as you can and that's all. Do it for me.
Thank you people for listening to me.