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Rose Chavez

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  1. @JD4010 This is actually something that I think a lot of us can relate to!!! Such a great post to share and thank you for doing so!!! This is a prime example of the beginnings of or unfortunately the daily life of reclusion. You have become a prisoner to your surroundings!!! You are not ****ed up, you are unique, private and suffering. Piece by piece, bit by bit,area by smallest area....attack it...out of the blue!!! You will start to feel better even in the tiniest of accomplishment!!! Do this for yourself!!! *I put myself through this with our monthly inspections to the point of vomit inducing anxiety and turmoil!!! It was horrifying!!! I do not fault myself nor feel guilt any longer. I just let it go and realized I am doing my best and that is all that matters!!! YOU GOT THIS FRIEND!!!
  2. Hey, so far the closest NAMI Walks to you this year are iKnoxville and Baltimore!!! You should check it out!!!
  3. That would be so awesome if you did!!! You should join the Alley Cats as a "virtual walker" even if you can't, that way you can still be a part of my team and show support!!! However, 5/18/19 at Greater Milwuakee Veterans Park is Wisconsin's date and location for your NAMI state walk this year!!!!
  4. I encourage everyone to go to NAMIwalks.org and sign up for their state's mental health awareness walk!!! It is a fun atmosphere and a great situation to meet like minded people. It is also an excellent way to raise funds for your local affiliate. NAMI provides services, support groups, and classes regarding mental health. I am very proud to be a part of this organization!!! If anyone wants an excuse for a trip to Tennessee, our state walk is being held April 6, 2019 in Knoxville at World's Fair Park. My team on the site is THE ALLEY CATS. You are welcome to join as a virtual walker as well and donations, even very small are welcome and much appreciated!!! -Thanks Friends!!!
  5. Hey there FRIENDS!!! Is anyone from the East Tennessee area???!!!
  6. As most of you understand and relate to, having a mental illness or struggling with mental health, often times means a drastic variation in thought process and extreme emotional experiences. Reactions to life events may be quite unusual and even outlandish to those fortunate enough to never have the experience of a "broken brain". Although I no longer see my brain as broken but very unique. I do appreciate my brain but at times it is absolutely exhausting to live inside of me. After a week of turbulence, my personal journey of defeat landed safely on solid ground. Every attempt to improve my life, create happiness, and continue on my long road to recovery failed. This left me in a fury and with feelings of total inadequacy. Hysterical at times, I felt as though I was crashing. I had become so desperate and so disoriented that all routine functions ceased. An unfamiliar depression overwhelmed my senses. I didn't bathe, I wasn't leaving the house, and my behavior became erratic. I felt disgusting, useless, and tired.All this being said I thankfully restored myself with the assistance of medication and support. This is simple proof that with long term treatment and support someone like myself can not only survive but thrive. The gigantic brick wall that is the health care system will not keep me from the freedom from my illnesses that I seek. Instead of banging my head against it, I will choose gather every tool I need to climb over it. So I begin another week hopeful that I may stay firmly planted and hold steady. Strength is such a virtuous trait and I must continue to remind myself that I am strong. Friends, I hope this week brings you strength and solitude. Always remember, YOU GOT THIS!!!
  7. Lately I have spent countless, mindless, and imaginative hours with the idea of "Fly Away" somewhere. I have poured my eyes and heart over travel websites late into the night as my sleep has been totally disrupted. I am aching. I am aching throughout my body, mind and soul for something...ANYTHING to make me feel solid. I am aching for attention, comfort, and positivity. Change in my surroundings and routine, along with true rest feels like an absolute necessity right now. As selfish as this all sounds I know I am deserving of my wants and needs. Everyday caring for my husband's health and survival against addiction is exhausting. Fighting my challenging ex husband and his substitute for me concerning my young daughter is so overbearing it has taken a toll on not only my mental and emotional health but on my physical as well. I am at the end of the day a work in progress. I am a very damaged human being yet I try to the best of my abilities to remain true to myself. Everyday I put forth my authentic self whether good or bad, I acknowledge my many mistakes and flaws and I try harder. I work at my maintaining my mental illnesses and my sobriety. I need a break. A break from the reality that is my everyday life. A healthy distraction from the pain I suffer everyday both mentally and physically. However this excursion will not occur. It stays hidden in the walls within me. Yesterday, I escaped my usual existence for a few hours only to be met with a replay of everything that has worked against me over the years. I had a very long drawn out session with a psychologist I had never met which triggered me on every level. By the end every old wound was ripped open and exposed to the infection trauma inflicts. As I recovered at home my beloved parakeet passed away in my hands.I am overwhelmed with so many mournful emotions and am truly grieving this loss of beauty and innocence. This among my husband walking lengths in front of me and completely ignoring me in the pouring rain this morning. He had an appointment with his specialist and treated me as if I was just some person and not his partner in life and love. I am traumatized, I feel broken, I want love right now. Whether it is love from a person, love from a beach, love from a peaceful sleep in a hotel, or a book alone in the woods. I just need a break. I just need a break I just need a break.
  8. Determination is a fantastic quality in a positive individual. When applied negatively it is such a smear on one's capability to promote good.
  9. Hey there! Just a couple questions (NO JUDGMENT) believe me (pointing finger at myself) hahaha! Have you been diagnosed and on any medications? Also for my personal ignorance what is a dab and are you vaping marijuana? From my experience walking that "in moderation" road for someone with issues is a long and rough one. What's you status with substances/alcohol? If you prefer not to share, I totally understand. Not here to preach, just curious.
  10. Words carry weight. Sometimes a simple thought, written in a certain format may trigger someone who is feeling a whirlwind of emotions. Lashing out might give an immediate sense of relief,but believe me they most likely feel a sense of guilt afterward. Be happy in your accomplishments and your well earned happiness. Just hope others may gain the same. Don't let it bother you. Think of it as being a martyr for an invdividual's change in perspective. They may get angry or jealous and write hurtful things, then they may go out and change their own life situation. You never know how another person is feeling. How they act, speak, and write are only a quick window.
  11. HOLY WHOA!!! Great job at keeping your cool and protecting yourself and your daughter!!! What a monster that dude was!!! Also, awesome job describing this event!!! So glad you are both safe!!! PHEW!!!
  12. Effexor changed my life completely!!! I am leveled out, more productive, think clearly, am happier, able to actually complete tasks, am not having panic attacks, and am sleeping soundly for the first time in years. All of this while battling a custody case, working, caring for family members, and have gone back to school. It is unbelievable to me that I was not introduced to this sooner!!! I was prescribed Effexor on my first and supposed to be One time appointment with a new doctor. I now have this phsycian handling my primary care full time!!! I started with 75mg then after two months added a 35mg. After years of battling with mental health diagnosis, I finally feel like a human being again!!! I have had no side effects AND MOST IMPORTANT....You absolutely did the right thing for yourself by seeking help. If effexor does not work for you do not give up, eventually you will find something that will. Everyone has a different brain/different body!!! Good Luck and Best wishes!!! Do not be scared!!! YOU GOT THIS!!!
  13. DEVIANT...DELIBERATE...DERANGED... All the devastating "D" words that describe how a few members of my husband's family member's behavior is towards us (because of me). Constantly I rack my brain over what ignorance or instance of lapsed judgement on my part caused such hatred. As I am one to typically place all blame on myself, naturally I must have conjured Hitler and become a Nazi sympathizer or something similar to attract such hostility and premeditated attempts at total sabotage!!! Truthfully, for once in my life I can say I did absolutely nothing wrong!!! I have never said or done anything negative or hurtful to anyone in his family. I have been kind, patient, loving, respectful and have taken every hit like a champ!!! What could it possibly be then? I am lied about constantly, some stories I actually wish were true!!! Like the one about me being a witch involved in a sacred coven and I have cast many spells over my husband and other people so I may have control over them. Now in my past, I suffered a great deal of mental and emotional abuses at the hands of my former mother and father in law. Physical abuse and horrific sexual advances by my father in law. Christmas night when my daughter was just an infant my father in law backhanded me in the face and my husband hid in the bathroom. My mother in law comforted me in a very battered woman type way that just disgusted me. It was soon after that I began to see my typically docile ex husband turn into a egoistic, narcissistic, and sadistic monster. So unfortunately I have grown used to being disliked and plotted against, burned at the stake if you will My current sister in law's antics feel undeniably familiar to how my ex husband would behave. Creating negative and unbearable situations and looping everyone in while honing in on one target. She adores the drama so she can place herself firmly in the center and bathe in the glory of playing the victim. It sickens me to watch her throw crumbs and laugh as the ducks fight. She has been incredibly desperate to rid the family of me and has sucked my husband's grown children into her pathology. Although I pride myself on being one tough little cookie, and believe me I have been put through the ringer, I am very sensitive when it comes to being lied about or bullied. I turn into the far too small for her age little girl with a last name that only invited cruelty, who was poor and had the overactive imagination of a novelist, and was tormented in school. I retreat from confidence and hide in bed with my cats and books for days. I guess I wasn't built for siblings! My only sibling, my much younger than me, weirdo brother doesn't even talk to me!!! This is quite a predicament for my husband and I. Since she addressed this with him instead of me directly should he have the responsibility to squash this undue witch hunt Or do I need to grab hold of the reigns and deal with her myself???!!! All I can do for now is let it roll off my shoulders but it has become all consuming for me!!! Not well and feeling down, any comparable stories or advice friends?
  14. I am so sorry for your neglect growing up. That must have challenged every aspect of yourself. Be proud to share your story. You are a survivor. As for myself I survived raising my parents. My father is my hero, I am very fortunate. My mother is adorable but vicious in her own way. The vacuum was nothing! Trust me! Thank you for considering this entry as insightful. That meant a lot. As always yours kind words are appreciated and I always look forward to your critique! Truthfully. Thank you for showing what I write attention. I hope you are well and the world is treating you with kindness.
  15. The KEY word was "WERE"!!! It took reading over my last blog to realize the breakthrough I hadn't even noticed was accomplished!!! In describing my abusive mother and ex-husband, I wrote that they "WERE" my abusers. Not they "ARE" my abusers. I have worked so very hard on my mental health, to the point of dedication. I owe that to myself, to my child, to my husband, and to the one's who stuck around for me. Paying close attention to that singular and descriptive key word, brought a flood of emotion. If I have come this far, how much further can I go?! The Stigma surrounding mental health is still prevalent. We are weirdos, outcasts, useless, and demented individuals. WRONG! Who in the ****ING **** wants to be "normal"?! Instead of being ushered into thinking we are burdens on society, I personally feel we should explore our illnesses and see ourselves as Non conformists! Sure I believe in God, but I also believe in the truth of science, ghosts, and aliens!!! I always wanted to have an alien and name him Frank and wrap him up like a burrito and take him everywhere. Does that make me a lunatic? No! It makes me imaginative and ****ing hilarious! Do I wear sunglasses indoors everywhere because my anxiety makes me terrified in public at times? YES! Does that make me a weirdo? NO! It makes me a ****ing rock star in my little world! In the world of mental illness, at the brink is a lot worse than a "normal's" at the brink so to speak. Why be ashamed? Let's wear it like a badge of honor thinking , NO SHARON, your bulls*** high heel breaking and ruining your night doesn't compare to my total meltdown in the grocery store last week simply because some old lady asked why I had so many tattoos!!! Not even close, I win!!! It has always entertained me that during a catastrophe the mentally ill, like myself, are as cool as a cucumber, but the simpilist of things can set us off like a rocket into Bulls***ville USA!!! Try to be observant of what you are saying or writing about yourself, take notes, study it, memorize and work on it. Work on YOU! PAY ATTENTION TO YOURSELF!!! Friends....YOU GOT THIS!!!
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