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  1. Like
    moodyjuniper reacted to samadhiSheol for a blog entry, A circle has closed   
    I believe a circle of sorts has just closed.
    Today I met someone after five years. Someone who in fact sent me on the current path(in my head that is) I am now on, the path some of of you have witnessed these few years I have been posting on df. It was the same young woman I mentioned in one of my early threads.
    Here's a link if anyone is interested:
    Basically it was a work place infatuation that was one-sided and more to the point nothing happened. In fact she was probably unaware of the maelstrom within me.
    Actually at the time she was more a catalyst than anything else. I just realized how empty I was and indeed had been most of my life after it all blew over. 
    The initial post is a wall of text(as is this so it would seem haha), so I understand if you can't read it.. My condolescenes to those who do!  Haha.Again.
    The thing is after five years I saw her again at work just a while back. I knew a couple of weeks that chances are we would meet briefly and I was somewhat anxious...
    But It all went well. We talked some over coffee at work, but honest truth I didn't have much to say. In fact, I felt little at all. It was all a bit of anticlimax. Haha. The magic was completely gone, if had even been there in the first place. Not that I even expected it to be there.
    But I realized again how stuck I am. How little anything has changed. I am five years older and still working at the same job I dislike, same thoughts in my head. Just another dozen or so futile attempts under my belt to change my circumstances and more importantly myself. I have learned nothing during the past five years.
    No, not entirely true. I have indeed learned something. What I wrote about loneliness. It's true I don't connect. It's true I spend a lot of my time alone. But in all honesty I am better that way. People drain me. Talking with people takes its toll all the time. Being around people irrates me in the long run.
    I am never truly relaxed, but I am closer to relaxed while I'm alone doing nothing in particular, like reading or shadow boxing. 
    I will probably never see her again but that's ok. I don't "have feelings" for her. I probably didn't have feelings for her then either. I yearned for a connection. Probably with myself. 
    None of this affects the chronic satisfaction or how wrong and fake this life feels to me. What I wrote about true love, connection etc. still stands. I am just more lost in this void than ever.
    Indeed. Anitclimax.
  2. Like
    moodyjuniper reacted to JD4010 for a blog entry, Joy from Very Little   
    I didn't check how long it's been since I last posted a blog entry, but I know it has been weeks. Maybe months. I'm not concerned with how long it's been because I really don't care. Haha.
    I was going to routinely post here about positive things in my life. Well, that made for very sparse material about which to write. Don't get me wrong; I have it made in some ways: I live alone, I have two hilarious cats, I love my rusty old minivan, etc. etc. But I can't keep repeating that same stuff over and over again.
    The cats and I are going to kick back in the beat up old recliner and watch several episodes of Star Trek Deep Space Nine tonight. I look forward to this little ritual more than anything else I think. Both of the cats jump up on me and will sit there until I have to get up for some reason...like I have to change the DVD or take a leak. Otherwise, we are inert together for a couple of hours. Honestly, it's blissful and I treasure it.
    And then there's bed time...I take my shower and head for the bed. Both of the kitties lead the way into the bedroom and jump onto the bed. They sleep with me all night long. I turn on a fan for white noise and drift off with two furry warm bodies next to me. Again, bliss.
    I guess that makes me very fortunate...these two "activities" are very simple yet they bring me so much joy. I never want that to end.
  3. Sad
    moodyjuniper reacted to Soarsie18 for a blog entry, Wavelengths   
    No matter what I say, no one will ever understand me.
    No matter how convincing I try to be, no one will ever believe me.
    My cries are falling upon deaf ears.
    They carry on with their planning and gossip as if nothing has ever happened. 
    I feel as though I am living with terminal cancer, and everyone is treating me like I'm suffering with the flu. 
    - A temporary pain in the arse, but will pass eventually 
    I really thought I wasn't going to come back this time.
    Even now I'm not sure.
    And yet with all of this inner turmoil that I carry , I still am constantly surrounded by meaninglessness. 
    If it weren't for you guys on df, posting about depression in the  gravity that I feel myself, I would have most definitely gone insane by now. 
    I don't want more attention.
    I don't want self-pity
    I just want a change. Any change.
    Depression turned my life upside down.
    But it didn't do the same for the people around me.
    And now, we are on completely different wavelengths.
    And I'm left here, in a world far from everyone, all on my own.
  4. Like
    moodyjuniper reacted to 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, Needing Inspiration.....   
    Sometimes we just need a little inspiration, you know?  And we all have a different idea of what that is.  I know someone who reads those memoirs of people who have been through horrific events and overcome them.  I know another person who enjoys interacting with the kids that come in to the library.  As for me, who knows... I guess it depends.  I suppose what inspires us changes, doesn't it?  It's not always the same thing.  What picks me up when I"m really dragging the ground (like this morning)?  Focusing on things I enjoy that I can take with me in some way.  A celebrity I like, a saying that has meaning for me.... sometimes I just lean into the struggle and let it push me where it will.  I learn alot that way.  Doesn't always work for getting my game face on and being out in the public. 
    Don't get me wrong, my spiritual beliefs are my rock - my belief in God is what keeps me going.  Sometimes I just need something that makes me feel positive in some way - I guess that's what inspiration is, isn't it?  Something that elevates us in some way?  Too many things - including my spiritual beliefs - cause me to castigate myself and trigger a neverending round of self loathing.  So some of the things that others may find inspirational tend to trigger negative reactions in me.  Many times, I think of fictional characters that I identify with.  I know that character isn't real - but the person who created it is.  And that lets me know that somewhere out there is someone who knows what it's like to be me - or part of being me, anyway.  That is why characters like Detective John Kennex or Castiel Novak or Dean Winchester or John Grimm inspire me.  Not because of their fictional actions, but because the person who envisioned them, the person who gave them life, knows those character traits.  So it's really that person, nameless, unknown, that I connect with.  Kennex is, after all, only what he's written to be.  But someone had to pull from their own experience, or their understanding of someone else, to create him. 
    Staff Sergeant John Grimm, RRTS Hellfighters Squad:

    John Kennex, Detective, Delta Section of The City

    Castiel Novak (or Castiel Shurley), Seraph and perpetual Dean rescuer

    Dean Winchester, protective big brother, accepter of all the blame (whether he earned it or not)

  5. Like
    moodyjuniper reacted to JD4010 for a blog entry, It's gonna be a long climb...   
    OK, I decided to once again try to start eating healthy and losing weight. The trick is to cut out carbs, especially donuts/cookies/pastries etc. A person can eat nuts, berries, meat and hard cheese though. But I'm a carb addict.
    I'm in such horrible condition right now. I went on a several year bender and I think my heart muscle is shot. I also put on 30 lbs. That weight has to come off, and I need to take a load off of my poorly functioning heart.
    I've hijacked this blog to become a record of my success (or failure).
  6. Like
    moodyjuniper reacted to Soarsie18 for a blog entry, Self-pity (an Inhibitor)   
    Life is unfair. 
    If you look at life from the perspective of good and bad.
    Some people are more fortunate, others are less fortunate.
    Shouldn't it be equal ?
    Why should one person have it easy whilst someone else has to struggle with sh*t throughout life. 
    That's the perspective that I used to have.
    I would view myself as being less fortunate than others -
    why did i fail my exams when I tried so hard and sacrificed so much ?
    Why do I have a knee injury which is stopping me from going out, exercising and surfing ?
    Why have all my friends moved away and i'm left here on my own ?
    Why do I have to re-apply to uni after getting so close to being accepted and working hard towards it my whole life ?
    Why am I depressed ?
    and on and on. -
    In short, I was feeling self- pity
    That feeling was feeding into my depression, 
    until I was told to by a very wise man to change my perspective.
    The truth is there is an underlying good, in every bad.
    -> failing my exams taught me the importance of having a good work-life balance, taking care of my mental health and above all - the importance of sleep !
    -> My knee operation taught me the importance of physical health, it taught me to stop hating my body for the way it looked and start loving it for healing me, and helping me get back to normal
    -> My friends moving away helped me realise how much I needed them, how grateful I was to have them around. Since then I've put more effort into maintaining relationships and have opened up more instead of pushing them away when I'm depressed
    -> Having to re-do the final year of A levels has given me the chance to mature as a person and has further instilled the passion and determination in me to be a vet.
    -> Being depressed has helped me appreciate life 100x more when i'm not depressed. It's made me GRATEFUL, its made me STRONG, its made me more CARING. 
    So, when life seems unfair. 
    When the universe is testing you,
    Try to take on a new perspective:
    The universe is giving you a chance to grow, to become stronger, and to learn a lesson from every situation.
  7. Like
    moodyjuniper reacted to Soarsie18 for a blog entry, The Dark Pit   
    You don't want to sleep, 
    but you don't want to be awake.
    You don't want to eat, 
    but you don't want to be hungry.
    You don't want to be around people, 
    but you don't want to be alone.
    You don't want to do anything, 
    but you don't want to do nothing.
    What you really want to do is stop existing,
    but you can't do that without dying, 
    and you don't really want to do that either.
  8. Sad
    moodyjuniper reacted to rsk for a blog entry, Resolutions   
    This will be a veeeeeery long post, just telling yah 😁
    Hi everyone and welcome to my blog. I joined the DF yesterday because for the first time in my life I thought about comiting suicide and it made me really afraid to have those kind of thoughts so I decided to reach out.
    In future entries I will be telling you about myself and sharing bits of my life. I hope I can serve as a crutch for those who are struggling with depressive thoughts just like me.
    This is what I posted yesterday (you can find it in the forum under the name “I want to end my life”):
    ” Hi everyone,
    Today, for the first time in my life I seriously considered suicide. I had never done so before, sometimes I just joked around saying things like “oh shoot me” or “just end me now”, but it’s only now that I realise that it’s been no longer a joke for a while. My sister said today that I only “make her miserable and ruin her life”, my brother said that I’m a “bad sister” and my parents think I’m an embarassment to this family. And honestly? They are right.
    You might read this and think I’m an exaggerated idiot, but this episode is only what pushed me over the edge.
    My family loves me, I have great friends, good health and I’m financially stable. So why do I want to **** myself? 
    I don’t want to die because I hate life, I LOVE life, I love what I’m studying  and I’m full of projects and dreams to make come true. But the thing is, what’s the point in doing anything of all of this if it brings pain and sadness to my family? I know they love me and I know they would mourn me and be sad for a while, but I’m sure they would heal, move on with their lives and in the end be thankful to me for making their lives easier by disappearing once and for all. 
    I’m really really scared. I never had such dark thoughts before; I even traced out different plans on how to end my life!!! And I can’t talk about this with anyone I know because I would jut make them feel even worse with all my depressing nonsense than I already am by being alive. 
    Sorry for this buzzkill post, but I needed to share this with someone, even if it’s random people on the interntet. “
    Pretty sad uh? Depression is a monster that comes out of ****ing nowhere and kocks you right in your ass.  
    But all trough the day I recieved beautiful answers and great advice from strangers who were kind enough to reach out and help me navigate through this difficult times. I don’t know why my update automaticaly puts itself as “hidden” but I wanted to share my update with you guys and hopfuly the kind souls that wrote me back might bump into this and recieve their more than owed answer.
    This is what I wrote today:
    Hi everyone,
    It’s been a very very intense, emotionaly draining day and I want nothing more than  going to bed but I feel like I owe you an update on my situation since I already threw all of my sadness your way, might as well now give you some good news.
    Thank you so so so so much for all of your kind words, encouragement and advice. I took this day for myself and called the number of the hotline you gave me but it told me it’s only for people from Australia. Notwithstanding, it inspired me to look for my country’s own suicide hotline(which I didn’t know existed in my country) and had a great talk with one of the professionals that volunteer there that lasted for like two hours. They helped me realize that although my pain is very valid, ending my life would be a cowardly move, the easy way out, and I might be a lot of things but I for sure ain’t a coward. I need to face my problems head on. Ending my life it’s just a way from running from troubble, and it won’t actually solve everything; it would only lesve behind sorrow and unresolved problems for the rest of eternity.
    After that enlightning chat I just layed in bed for a while listening to music and googling songs that matched my gloomy/reflective mood. During that time I found a Tim McGraw song called “**** myself” (I know that when I post this the name will seem very odd because of the dots that will appear instead of the word), and I thought it perfectly matched my mood. As I listened to the lyrics something clicked. The song didn’t talk about him actually physicaly commiting suicide but of getting rid of his old self, his worst version and to become a more worthwhile human being.
    And this is what I want to do with my life. I’ll try my damn hardest to be the best version of myself and to bring more light into the world because God knows I can’t do that if I’m dead; I can’t help people if I’m dead, I can’t contribute to society if I’m dead, I can’t be there for my family and friends if I’m dead and I can’t follow my dreams if I’m dead.
    Another thing I listened to today was a beautiful poem about suicide that it honestly made me cry. I never heard a poem so strong, inspiring and beautiful before. It really helped me and I’m sure it will be useful for anyone going through what I’m going through. 
    One of you guys told me that I should work on finding something to do, something to look foward to and someone to love. I found this advice truly helpful and I’m really trying to do it. I even wrote a list with several items under each category.
    I wouldn’t have made this progress today without your help and your kind words, you have no idea how much they mean to me. Honestly, the most inspiring and uplifting thing that happened today was not getting your lovely answers to my post but just the mere fact of learning that there are more people out there in the same situation as I am or that where in the same situation who are willing to take some time of their day in order to help strangers facing the same struggles they are facing or used to face. 
    Of course that the progress I made today doesn’t mean that I’m suddenly happy and purposeful, I know that I still have a long way to go until I heal, that I have a lot of pending conversations to have with those closest to me (eventhough they’ll suck) and some many more tears to shed until I can get this ugly demon that is depression out of my heart and head. 
    It will be hard. I know that. But eventhough the road ahead I see right now might not be very smooth and sunny, at least now I can see a road to follow. An ugly path is better than no path at all. 
    I’m sure the sun will shine for me again. After each storm the sun always returns, so why would it be any different for me? It’s only natural for the sun to return once the storm passes. I just have to hold on until it does.”
    ———————————————————————— Well, this is all for today. I’m absolutely exhausted. I’ll be posting more soon.   Stay sane, safe and happy!    RSK ❤️
  9. Sad
    moodyjuniper reacted to JD4010 for a blog entry, Not-so-fond memories   
    A post in the suicide forum gave me a flashback. I responded with the following in that forum but I also wanted to post it here in the blog. I trace some of my current "issues" back to this time in my life. Maybe I'll explore what it all means some more. Or maybe I won't. Probably wouldn't do me any good.
    I had to change schools just before fourth grade. This would have been in 1968. The school I started attending was small, with a 4th grade class of 31 students. They had all been together since kindergarten. I was an outsider. The proto-jocks and bullies began picking on me right away. I'm sure I was being tested at first but once they found out I was a complete wuss, they started beating me up in earnest. I was also a year younger than the other kids because I'd started school a year early. So I was extra puny. Anyway, I soon noticed some of the other kids who were getting constantly picked on. I made friends with them and quickly became part of the banished group. We'd help each other put up with the avalanche of sh!t from the as s holes and generally commiserate at recess.
    If it wasn't for those few other kids who were down and out (even at age 8-9!), I would have probably croaked myself. I hated life then because my parents were going through a divorce. I also knew at that age that I was a loser. But I pulled through with the help of others who were going through similar BS as I was. I guess that's why I gravitate here as well. We have been through our own particular hell and know how rotten it is. We treat each other with respect as a result.
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