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Everything posted by moodyjuniper

  1. Meg, it seems like you're pretty lonely right now. You might find a support group for depression/anxiety helpful. I'm in the same boat. I have people around me that I can gab with about nothing so important, which is okay. But I need people I can really talk to, as well. It's okay to have both - one person doesn't have to meet every need. It's okay to have coffee friends and gym friends and friends who are more supportive.
  2. "Maybe everyone out there is a liar. And maybe the whole world is stupid, and ignorant. But I'd rather be in it. Id' rather be ****ing in it, than down here with you." - Girl, Interrupted
  3. Someone suggested that only focusing on things I'm grateful for is a way of denying what has happened to me and the negative emotions and distorted thoughts I have about what's happening around me. So, I'll write a tiny bit more about my experience, but not a lot. I just don't have time. It's faster and easier for me to take aspirin and antacids for the headaches and indigestion that denial causes, at least until the end of the summer. I'm grateful for the perspective, though. I sat on the porch to eat breakfast, and one of the cats entertained me by climbing the tree. My roommate has family coming to visit today, so the spotlight will be off of me. I think she's disappointed with me because I'm here in the mornings when she used to have breakfast and a morning routine with her husband. I'm not him. I'm not participating in the old routine. So, Rapunzel will be in her room for the next year and a half, not reminding her roommate of her losses. I prefer to rip off bandaids and have the iron guts to do so. It saves time. I'd rather know now.
  4. @sober4life I'm sorry you deal with this, too. It's frustrating. I grew up with a sibling who did this... kind and sweet to lure me in, and then... not kind and sweet. When I got older, I associated negative attitudes and less-than-friendly behaviour with sincerity, so... Balance. Balance is good. And patience and allowing people to have needs AND want to be around us. It doesn't have to be one or the other.
  5. I think most people doubt themselves and worry if they're really okay and really know what they're doing. When I'm on level ground, I don't feel as anxious and scared inside, so I imagine there's a spectrum of worry across the people around us. It's a defense mechanism to hide our vulnerabilities and our genuine thoughts about what's happening. It doesn't make us all bad or insincere people. Depression tends to color our perception of others' motivations in a negative light, but I try not to drop anchor there. Predators target vulnerable people, so imagine if you went around telling everyone how scared and alone you are. You wouldn't be as safe. Someone here mentioned spending time in a shopping mall recently. Traffickers routinely find young girls who work in shops there to target, groom, and exploit because they know what's generally on the inside of those girls - low self-esteem, people-pleasing, the desire to feel grown up, etc. There's no doubt in my mind that some people think you're doing better than you are. That has always been a huge problem for me, but it's especially difficult right now. I clean up well and come across as calm (quiet) and fairly thoughtful, so people always think I'm doing better than I am and have expectations of me that I can't always meet. In the past, I've been called a snob for not being available to people, but I need more downtime than others. And, frankly, if you're going to call me a snob, yeah, I'll be a snob toward you. And when I'm carrying a bit of extra weight, my face is round, and I look more motherly. So, if I can't sit down and listen and give advice and unconditional love as my appearance promotes... I'm a snob. I've just learned to embrace my inner snob and joke about it. But I also know where to park myself to get support that's real, and those are the places and people that win my attention. "...fail to pay attention to other peoples suffering." Not necessarily the case. Think about how overwhelmed you are with your own suffering. It's likely just too much for most people to take on everyone's problems. You're likely not seeing the support they give to the people closest to them. Also, context matters. If you're in a shopping mall, I wouldn't expect too much support group or existential talk there. Here, sure. A dinner with your closest friends, sure. Otherwise, nice skirt/haircut and can you believe the game went into overtime last night?
  6. I don't like myself right now. I feel like a caricature of who I really am. A circus girl. PTSD has smeared my makeup and ruffled my clothing, and I'm not the peaceful person I used to be. I'm sitting in a chair similar to the one I used to sit in before this mess started, but everything around it and the way I feel about myself is different. I feel like I'm blindfolded and untouchable by the things that I want. It scares me when people are nice to me. It hurts me immensely when people are not, but that's what I grew accustomed to. Acts of kindness seem disingenuous - "what do they want from me?" It doesn't help that I'm living in a bit of a political sphere here. I want to be on the periphery. I don't want to be someone's showgirl. Unless he's handsome and sweet and at home, I can be real. Something so simple as being told to put a blanket over me and having someone ask me to move in perhaps a bit prematurely is tossing me around and making me feel like I have to run. At home, I feel like I don't measure up. My room is a bit of a mess. I'm working on it, but it's largely stacks of papers that need to be filed or shredded. Medical bills, mostly. I feel pressured to experience God and make sense of my existence based on someone's else's point of view. I need to compromise here, but I'm scared that I'll compromise myself into oblivion like I did with my ex-ex. (Not the mean one.) I just became a piece of furniture to him. I couldn't reach his heart with mine, and I thought that doing everything he wanted and giving up my needs would change that. It didn't. It just made me a sucker. I keep saying that I need to do the things I did before all this happened. The things that made me happy. But things keep coming up. We have company coming tomorrow, so I've had to clean a lot more. I'm sure I'll be expected to eat with them tomorrow night. No problem. I have to go to a funeral on Saturday. Once this semester is over, I can adjust my schedule. I've allowed these things to occupy too much of my mind. These headaches and indigestion have to go. At least when my ex made me do all that walking, I was alone and could look at the flowers and trees along the way. I need to sit on the porch. Cardinals love this yard.
  7. That sounds so stressful, Meg. Can you look at the work you have left and look at a calendar to find a schedule that will work? Maybe plan to have at least one day free of school work, then figure out how many pages you have to read every day or how long you can give yourself for assignments. It helps me to plan ahead. Also helps me to decide how much extra stuff I can take on, which, right now, isn't much. Speaking of which, I have a lot of reading to do today! We'll get there!
  8. I can be more organized and cut my problems at home down by half or less, I'm sure. I can also remind my roommate that my footing isn't solid. I feel like she's sucking me into her wants like a vacuum, and I'm holding onto the door frame for dear life. Speaking of vacuums. For some reason, she's fixating on me right now. Probably because I'm home more. I need to change my schedule. I'm happy that I've learned some hard lessons about dealing with people. I used to be so naive. Now I know that people have to earn trust. I've found a way to rearrange my schedule for the summer and the fall.
  9. I certainly would. Thank you. I'm not going to make this decision impulsively. Who knows? Maybe in a few months, she'll change her mind, anyway. Not that I don't want options, but I don't want to get sucked into someone else's needs when I'm already living in that kind of situation.
  10. I'm disappointed with myself. I don't want to be a person who types in all caps. I need to fix my circumstances so that I don't feel so obligated to be something I'm not. I don't like living here, but I don't want to jump into another living situation that I know wouldn't be ideal. There are parts of it that are really, really appealing, though. No rash decisions. I'm determined to make some changes. I don't like locking myself in my bedroom, but I'll have to. I got way too excited yesterday about buying my own coat hangers. It's really excitement over living on my own terms again, I suppose. I'm not sure I'll stop feeling like a slave until I'm on my own in my personal life and at work. This isn't easy.
  11. My life is weird. A backup plan fell into my lap tonight, but... my life is weird. If someone asked you to move in with them, and you've only known them for about five months, would you think that's bizarre? I mean as a roommate type of situation? But. On paper, it sounds great. In reality, it feels a little fast. I'm also wondering if she's a lesbian. Then I came to home to a vacuum sitting right outside my bedroom door because I forgot to vacuum the stairs. TELL ME TO MY FACE. "I need you to vacuum today." I don't like passive-aggressive bullshit. Something's off. Thank God I'm hooked on a sedative. Goodnight.
  12. All is well. My username is too common, so people use it thinking it belongs to them. All I had to do is change it.
  13. Fraud departments. Common sense. I've reclaimed a few more songs that triggered me. There are at least one or two that I don't have back yet, but maybe I'll get there.
  14. Jumpy. Someone keeps trying to get into my bank account, and then I get frozen out. And worried, because my sedative made me sleep through my alarm this morning, and it's making me sleep longer and harder.
  15. I think I can help a little. Slice bananas into little rounds. Place a bit of natural (no added anything) in between two of them like a sandwich. Melt some semisweet chocolate chips and drizzle over them. Freeze on wax paper and store in the freezer between layers of wax paper or parchment paper. Pop a few out in the afternoon for a sweet treat that's healthier. Also, cut up an apple into bite-sized pieces. Put into a bowl with about 1/4 to 1/3 cup light coconut milk. Microwave for about a minute. Sprinkle cinnamon and salt to taste. You can also add a few nuts to it. I bet pistachios would be good. Both are sweet but actually have nutritional value.
  16. Thunderstorm! I missed these. My supplies were delivered, too, so I'm thrilled.
  17. A calm, steady hand with a calm, steady voice to match, I'm sure. Not giving up when things are difficult, but knowing when something is a lost cause. One tulip has bloomed! Using restraint and waiting until I have a level head to make decisions. Windchimes on the porch. It's a beautiful morning, and I'm sitting on the porch.
  18. Aww, thank you, JD. I'd been planning to reconnect with him for months and have been dragging my feet. He and my dad were close. Fortunately, he has a few kids nearby. Man, not good to procrastinate with this stuff. I won't make this mistake again. Have a good one!
  19. Awww... That's exactly what I needed, Meg. Thank you so much. My emotions are coming out like a flash flood instead of a gradual rising of water, and I don't seem to notice the danger or damage until it feels like an emergency. I just can't have this stuff at the front of my mind all the time anymore. I love school. I love my classes, the subjects. But avoiding what's underneath isn't working, either. More therapy is incoming. I'm so happy to hear that I'm helping you, Meg. I remember needing people to talk to at that age, but I was so closed up then, I'd never talk to anyone like this. I hope you're proud of yourself for being brave and wise about your depression. Hugs to you, too!
  20. I feel angry and invisible and uncared for. You can't even bother to ask how I am or say "I'm sorry" when I tell you that my uncle just died - yes, they're dropping like flies, apparently - but you sure do enjoy me propping up your reputation and image. **** this. And **** this indigestion, too. All I want to do is stay in bed and cry, but I have to work.
  21. I finally got through at least to leave a message for someone so that I can get a document for my taxes. One is being mailed to me already, so this is the last one I need. I usually don't wait this long to do them, but at least they'll be easy this year. The hope I started to feel recently hasn't wavered. I'm definitely climbing back up. I am going to change my schedule so that I have Fridays off instead of another day. I need to make more effort to have a social life, no matter the client I get at work.
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