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Everything posted by moodyjuniper

  1. Love. I made it home before the storm last night. I still have one (easy) extra credit assignment that will make up the loss of missed points last night. The bed won. I turned in my assignment half-finished. Half is better than nothing. I couldn't get out of bed this morning. Peer pressure (my roommate) got me up, although it was only in my head. Thankfully, I'm off today, and it feels amazing on the porch this morning. My imaginary child has kept me from vomiting for over a week now. Now he's encouraging me to go out and start my own medical kit again by buying a thermometer because I wish my problem was physical instead of mental.
  2. The bed is calling me. I want to crawl in and stay there for days. But I have to do this assignment and turn it in. Depression can't win. It can't keep winning.
  3. Sad. I hit a bat on my way home from work tonight. I usually donate money to an animal shelter when something like that happens, but I can't afford to do that now.
  4. I wish we go out for pancakes and coffee together.
  5. I don't have any jewelry. I ordered a ring for myself. I used to wear a ring on my wedding finger to keep men away after my ex and I split up. (I'm not the only one who does this.) I'm doing it again. It's beautiful. Copper with a raw peridot stone. I'm thinking of it like committing to myself, to taking care of myself and pulling myself out of my ex's net and the losses I experienced.
  6. I got a quiz out of the way this morning. It's going to be a long night, though. Work, then essays and summaries, which are technically due by midnight. My professor won't be awake to grade it, though, so she lets us stay up until early morning to finish them. Our company is leaving today. Not that I've been home to be stressed out. They're really nice people, but I'm absolutely not in a state of mind to entertain right now. I find that really challenging after my ex. I'm working through it, though. I'll get there. I have two appointments this week that will help me get onto a better track. I need to change my sedative. It's too strong, but I can't function during the day without one right now. Once I get through a few months of real therapy, that'll probably change. I know how to make myself feel like I'm standing on more solid ground. Reconnect with family, just in case. I missed my uncle's funeral. I didn't have time, but I'll go to see my aunt alone very soon and take her flowers. I don't think I could have handled the crowd of the funeral. I really don't feel guilty for not having time for people right now, because I'm taking care of myself. I'm doing the right thing for myself, even though people think my lack of time for them is not the right thing for them. If that makes me selfish, so be it. It'll benefit all of us in the long run.
  7. Nope. You're too important to us, Meg. You've said this to others yourself - the pain is temporary. Death is permanent. We care about you and want you here and think you're amazing. You're just in a space between what was and what will be. Those spaces are never easy.
  8. Meg, I'm sorry things are changing with your friends. I know it hurts. I've been through it myself, and I'm trying to figure out how to live with old friends now, too, after those huge changes. You won't be depressed forever. It's tough to move backward when you've started moving forward. Remember that you're still working on building a support system and finding your groove with school/work/whatever you end up doing. Just wait. You'll see how much better you feel once you've narrowed down a direction. I'm going back to school, and it's one of the only things propping me up right now. Are you able to meet with your friends one on one? It might be easier to maintain contact that way since you're not feeling well. And to compromise, maybe pick something they like to do? They might be struggling with things, too, and need your ear, as well. You're an empathetic person. Use it. It'll benefit both of you. Nautical, huh? You might like a book I read years ago called Reviving Ophelia. It's about how "tweens" (I can't stand that word for some reason) and adolescent girls struggle to become young women. The author talks about following your North Star. Focusing on your goals and self-care in spite of what's going on around you. (Sailors use the North Star to navigate.) I think you'd really like the book. Hugs.
  9. If intestinal flora can change drastically within twelve hours... I'm going to a new doctor. I've had it with this. Ouch. I've thoroughly freaked myself out over my living situation. Maybe I'm paranoid. I know I'm unhappy here. I'm afraid to decide anything right now. I don't trust my own judgment about this at the moment. I'm a bitch in the morning. Unless I have my way, I guess. haha! Quiet, peaceful... I need to ease into the day. My mother used to push into that, just because. I'm beginning to think my roommate does, too. Why can't society teach women how to communicate properly? It's okay to say no. It's okay to say, "I need something." it's okay to say, "That bothers me. Would you mind doing X instead?" I want to disappear here.
  10. I think it's up to us to make it a compassionate place.
  11. I'm sorry you're going through so much with your health. I know how stressful that is, especially when finances are an issue, too. I don't know anything about fundraising sites, but I'd try a consumer report type of site to find the best one. Good luck, and I hope you feel better soon!
  12. The ground is wet from a thunderstorm last night, but the sun just burst out of the clouds. Everything is glistening. My favorite kitty is asleep beside me. Next week is when I reclaim my time. I have essays, summaries, and a quiz due tomorrow night, so this class owns me this weekend. My coworker is studying to be a personal trainer, so he's motivating me and giving me advice. I have another new client today. I like the variety. I've decided to immerse myself in things in thoughts and visions of how my life will look when I'm free of the things that are pinning me to my past. It's a motivating escape. I hope it works.
  13. Warehouse - Dave Matthews But nothing seems good enough to defend.
  14. I wonder what makes you feel afraid of the help? I've had some less than stellar therapists/psychiatrists, but I can't say I've ever been afraid of them or of the help. My ex-ex complained that they'd try to turn him into someone that he wasn't, but it's like filtering out the bad stuff that doesn't belong there, leaving only the healthy parts, as much as can be done, and introducing new healthy parts. I've had some exposure therapy, which worked, but it takes a long, long time. Life itself is exposure therapy sometimes, but without a controlled environment with controlled doses of exposure, it's more like overexposure therapy. Otherwise, insight therapy and CBT and mindfulness have worked best for me. I can work through triggers, although it isn't easy. It's the self-esteem, self-worth, feelings of being damaged, and destroyed trust that are the hardest for me to recover.
  15. I think I'd fit in best in a veteran's support group, because of the nature of my trauma. What do people do after this? No one seems to know.
  16. I still think an in-person support group would help you. It's a safe place to go to talk openly about what's happening, and it might be a good first step to help you overcome your anxiety. The more pockets of support you can create, the better off you'll be. Even if you find just one person with whom you can talk. Over time, you'll have one person here, one person there... It's worked for me in the past, and it's what I'm trying to do now. It doesn't happen 100% of the time. I haven't found anyone at school yet, but I do have someone at work, two at the bank... You might be pleasantly surprised how much having a familiar face almost everywhere you go helps. It's your own community outside of your cousin that she can't muddy up.
  17. Disconnected. Every time I talk about details, I feel so different - too different - from everyone. Maybe they're better left under the rug. I really need to unplug for at least a couple of days. I need this semester to be over. I'm planning better for the summer semester, so I won't get so stressed.
  18. I feel a bit better this morning. The birds are singing. My roommate showed me an article on grief this morning and said that she thinks I'm grieving after having lost so much. I'm not sure where this newfound interest is coming from, but I'm not complaining! I think I'm mixing people up again. I need a break from everything and everyone. Maybe I'll go spend a night somewhere in between semesters. I do want to see the beach this summer. Maybe now is the best time for me to go.
  19. Too much to write out here, but thank you for asking, Meg. That in itself is a huge help. Hug.
  20. @sober4life I know what you mean, although I wouldn't go so far as to wish myself to live with criminals. Because my sibling used kindness as a tool for abuse, when I was older, it seemed like men with negative attitudes were more genuine. When I met my ex-ex (not the mean one) I was having problems with my mom and her boyfriend, and he had experience with depression and abuse. We both felt alienated, and for the first time, I felt understood by a man who was actually nice to me! True enough. However, what I didn't know at the time is that he was in love with his misery. I wasn't. I wanted to be happy. I made gallons of effort to be so. He didn't. I could never break through his crusty attitude. And I couldn't live with it, either. I left that relationship on the best possible terms I could intentionally, but I do regret all that wasted time and feel that he used me to make himself look good to his friends and family. I just can't stand the thought of being miserable forever, and I'm angry that I have so much garbage still to work through. I put it on the back burner so that I can function, but by the end of the day, my stomach is boiling with indigestion and my muscles ache from being so tense. I wake up with a headache every morning. I filled out schedule change forms for the rest of the year, but... I'm living a ****ing lie. I'm up here crying because I was essentially ******** for months on end, and I have to ****ing go downstairs and eat garbage food because I can't afford to buy healthy food for myself which I know would make me feel better and pretend that everything's fine and my roommate is amazing and I'm so happy to see these strangers and can't wait to tiptoe around them for the next four days. I hate run-on sentences.
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