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moodyjuniper

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Everything posted by moodyjuniper

  1. Lonely. Sort of dreamy, probably because I only slept an hour last night. I think I fell asleep upstairs a bit ago, and the ice cream truck woke me up playing Christmas music. A bit awkward and guilty. The big picture helps. I understand this, but I'm still a little pouty that it isn't fair. I don't know how to do this. I'm not sure anyone does. I do trust God. I'm so burnt out. I hope two weeks off before the summer semester is going to be enough. I need to make my social plans soon. I've decided to hedge and apply to at least two additional programs in case I don't make this one. I've learned the value of plan B, C...
  2. Calm. My new therapy is real therapy and frequent (weekly) therapy. No way. And I picked up my sleeping pill. I got one hour this morning, but I don't have to work today, so, I can lounge to study for the rest of the day. I would've slept longer, but I accidentally left my lab notebook in the lab last night (an entire semester's worth of test results - this is a legal document, interestingly.) I raced to school (as in, annoyed the people behind me because I don't race anywhere - haha) before classes started this morning and fortunately found an early-rising professor with a key. Looking at those emails was a mistake in the middle of the night, but ultimately, I think I need to do it to remind myself of who I was, even if I'm not her again yet. Maybe I can be a better version of me, who isn't as naive and "self-sufficient." I got this! I got this! No, Juniper, you don't. Happy that I finally got all my tax documents. Turns out filing an extension is easy. I've never been late before.
  3. I really needed to read this thread today. Thank you, @gandolfication, @MarkintheDark, @JD4010, and @JessiesMom.
  4. I wish I hadn't read those emails. Ones I wrote to friends before my ex. I sound like a different person. Happy, lighthearted, confident. A photo of us at a company Christmas party. Blah. I'm so tired.
  5. Still awake, and my stomach is boiling with indigestion. I can't find any Nyquil, and there's no booze in the house.
  6. Exhausted and can't sleep. I should have waited for those pills.
  7. Ruminating about annoying lab partner. She's been a snot to me for most of the semester for whatever reason, and I haven't felt comfortable addressing it beyond what I've already tried. About a quarter of the way in, I asked her, after a snotty moment, "X, are you doing okay? You seem a bit off today." Usually that puts people on the spot just enough to notice their attitude but makes them feel comfortable enough to ease up and open up. Not with her. I've tried being motherly and kind. I've tried just ignoring her. Nothing has worked. So, I'm going to buy her a book I like on communication. It's my last resort, and doing so will be me trying my best. That's all I can do. I need to let it go. Next week is the last lab when we have our presentations. She got upset tonight because I asked our professor if I could go first. She said she wanted to go first. And I said, nicely, "Well, you can go second." She scowled. I'm still out of my sedative. I could use it tonight. My doctor gave me a new prescription for a sleep aid, a mild one, but I haven't picked it up. I'd never heard of it, so I know I've never tried it. I resent that my first class back in school has been muddied this way. This is so important to me for a couple of reasons. I've wanted to do this for almost 20 years, ever since my dad died. He wanted me to do this, but I had to take care of my mother and sibling for various reasons. I was in pretty deep into a different degree then, too. Then I got married and moved away and couldn't sit still because of his job. You can't study this without sitting still. Finally, I'm doing it. And getting through it means I'll be able to take care of myself financially. Not just scraping by, but actually being able to take a train somewhere for a week once a year and maybe even retire one day. haha You never know what someone is going through. I never forget that and allow for that, but I have an expectation of basic respect. My other lab partner and I are working in the same facility on Saturday, so we're planning on seeing each other. I'll see if anything comes to light then. I'm just broken-hearted. Everyone here is so aggressive. I know it's not all me being sensitive and scared and triggered.
  8. I only have two labs left. One of my lab partners has become annoying again. Not just annoying, but triggering. As @sober4life would say, I'm a monster magnet. I love the work, but I should have listened to my intuition early in the semester and moved to a different table. Nothing I've tried has worked on her. I guess I should have talked more about this. I clam up when I don't want something to be true, I think. I may never see her again, and she's at least a year and a half ahead in the program. We're not likely to have another class together. But now I know I need to turn off the empath even more. I already feel too spiky, but we do what we have to. At least I have this forum and therapy and a couple of friends with whom I can be real. My client makes me feel like I'm going in the right direction. He and his family really trust me, and apparently, he's been a lot less depressed since I've been working with him. It feels really, really good. I'm fighting through a lot of triggers with him. I think it's been good for me to a point. Free exposure therapy. Last night was no exception. We talk about history a lot, and I look things up on the Internet. Last night, it was Joan of Arc. Something that happened with my ex. Another long day in the sun. I had heat exhaustion and couldn't escort him to a fireworks show that night, because I was nauseated and dizzy. So, I was Joan of Arc for a couple of weeks after that. That was actually during the better part of our relationship, when I was still completely delusional about my circumstances. Somehow he made me feel proud of myself for being able to endure so much hostility. Love.
  9. Encouraged. I ran out of sedatives, so I slept au natural last night. I didn't sleep quite long enough, but I slept the whole way through. Work was pretty tiring last night. That helped, I'm sure. I see my psychiatrist today, so I'm a bit nervous. I'm trusting her to find an alternative to this sedative that won't be worse. I'm a control freak when it comes to my meds. Comes from experience, I guess. I started that after a doctor in my early twenties had me taking four different meds for depression, the last of which made me sleep 18 hours a day. ? He said, "That's great, you're having fewer symptoms." I replied, "I'm having fewer symptoms because I'm not conscious." I stopped going to him, researched my own meds, and started telling my doctors what I wanted to try. I don't have time for that now, and I'm scared to try anything anymore. Maybe I'll just ween off of this one earlier than I anticipated. I want to stop both meds eventually. I've done that once before and managed fairly well, except in the winter with the lack of sunlight.
  10. @MarkintheDark I'm not sure if you've tried this, but when the viewers come, could you pop onto your computer with headphones on? Listening to music or a podcast might tune them out and make you look too busy to interact much. Less pressure, anyway.
  11. @StacyG Great! I'm glad it helped. Really, the more work you put into it, the more you'll get out of it. Not easy when you're depressed, I know. Good luck!
  12. Instead of the beach, I'm going to visit a cousin in between semesters. No hotel charges this way, and it's still near water.
  13. It's sunny, even though it's cold. I can feel safe, strong arms come through his words. And they somehow pick me up and put me in a better place. Two weeks + finals week to go this semester.
  14. In art therapy, we decorated self-care boxes, in which we are supposed to put items that will help us when we're feeling depressed or anxious or triggered. Because I have PTSD, I have a rock in mine that I hold and use to ground myself. Also, tangerine essential oil to attract my attention away from negative thoughts. Our sense of smell is the oldest of our senses and is wired in our brains differently than the others, so it's a powerful tool. FYI. You mentioned somewhere here that you like to meditate. Have you thought of making yourself a meditation corner or spot in your room? You can put things in it that are soothing and remind you to take care of yourself, not to leave your well-being behind when your mind starts taking you on trips you don't want to be on. It helped me long before any of my garbage started up.
  15. Indecisive. I'm thinking of taking a break from being grateful every morning. I'm not sure. I'm grateful I don't have to decide at this moment.
  16. I know the feeling. I'm sorry you're having a tough day. Is there anything you can bring to the bed with you to make you feel better? A magazine? Book? Netflix? One of my classes requires a lot of memorization, so I'm able to at least review some of those terms sometimes while I'm stuck in bed. Sometimes.
  17. [image of two people hugging] [image removed to decrease page load times]
  18. A woman I used to volunteer with joined a "get in the photo" campaign after she had her first son. She isn't photogenic and avoids having her photo taken. But she wants her son to have photos of the family together, so she psyched herself up to make it happen. It worked, at least for a while. It's hard for me to look at myself right now and see me, not me with all kinds of toxic waste dripping down because of what happened to me. I don't look the same. I've gained weight, so my face has filled out. My hair is different. I have more grey, although, thankfully, it's the pretty, bright kind. At least there's that! I've earned them, I think, and my wrinkles, too, but don't think I don't hit them with anti-wrinkle cream. Let's not get carried away! I don't wear makeup much now. No earrings, no jewelry. But I looked at myself in the mirror today, really looked, and I saw a mom in there, a ********, which is what I'm studying to become, a wife, a lover. Not just the woman he muddied up. When I write or talk about what he did to me, how twisted it is, it ultimately makes it look like a circus, not what life should be. I've struggled with normality since I left him. No one is telling me what to do or what to wear. I do get the occasional stinkeye if my pants are tight-fitting. He's fading, and I see someone who isn't damaged. I don't feel the need to hide under unkept hair and bare skin and extra weight and wrinkled clothes now. It's because I feel safe. Safer. I can think ahead now and picture a future. I couldn't do that not so long ago. I want to be healthy. I want to feel better about my body. I want to give my hopefully forthcoming children the best chance possible and live as long as I can for them. I want for whomever I'm with to be proud to stand beside me. And I'm going to build that butt after all. haha! I wonder how much life I've missed out on because of insecurity. A lot, I imagine. That needs to stop.
  19. The wind chimes on the porch and how lucky I am. Sometimes I can't believe he's real.
  20. Alright, that worked. I did both reviews, answered questions on my own presentation, got dressed, went to the post office, and came home. I didn't quite make it into the shower, but I did put my hair up instead of hanging it out of the window. Sorry, Rapunzel is out of commission today.
  21. The bed keeps winning. I'll view one presentation in bed because I have to review two of them for class. I can at least do that.
  22. I've been through two. The first one was years ago, and it helped me a great deal. The staff were well-trained and kept up to date with best treatment practices. They did their best to involve my mom, so that I'd continue to get better after being discharged. The second was recent, and I wasn't impressed. The staff was lazy, set a bad example, didn't have expectations of us to show up on time (which is vital if you're treating people who need guidance on functioning with/without depression,) but didn't mind billing us for the full time, anyway. We lost about two hours a day. I wouldn't want my children going there, so I complained to the overall administration. The program was part of a unit in a larger medical hospital. One of the therapists violated my confidentiality by bringing up something in group therapy that I mentioned in individual therapy with her, and I got upset. It upset the other patients to hear it, too. They gave me an administrative discharge, which is basically being kicked out. I had trouble going back to work, because they wouldn't write a letter saying that I was well enough, because I wasn't. And I would have gotten in trouble at work for not going back to work. So, I had to go to yet another doctor for a note saying I could go back to work. And the portion of my bill that insurance didn't cover was about $750. I thought about it months later trying to sort through what was them and what was me being triggered. They ripped me off after I was ripped off by my thieving ex. Not okay. My suggestion is to do a bit of homework ahead of time and ask someone what the current best practices are for your diagnosis and how they apply them.
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