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moodyjuniper

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Everything posted by moodyjuniper

  1. I'm tired of my moods, my self-esteem, and my hope being paddled across a ping pong table, so I'm taking a break. I need to turn off a lot of static if I'm going to get better and make better decisions for myself.
  2. At first I thought you were talking about the violation of the TOS against proselytizing in the Faith Without Religion thread on the depression and religion board, and I was going to thank you for saying something. Unfortunately, after reading a few members AND a moderator encouraging a lonely man to visit a prostitute (instead of taking healthy steps to form healthy attachments and not denigrate women in the process) in the thread I Hate Myself in Depression Central, I just assume complaining here about such things is moot, which is why I've kept my mouth shut.
  3. I don't feel like entertaining. I never entertained this much when I was alone. It's all well and good for people to help me out, but honestly, what they expect most in return are things that require time, which I don't have if I'm going to go to school. Not that I don't appreciate the help, because I'd be dead without it, but it doesn't work so well anymore.
  4. Resolved and content, at least about this: The more I think about delaying school, the more it makes sense. I need to get over this health issue and bank a lot of money before I jump into a school program. In all likelihood, I'll end up in a different place because of transportation. I thought about it, and I'm not comfortable taking the risk that my current living situation will hold up. I need to be able to hold myself up first. And get into a program in a better location and start school there. I'm not worried about finding work. I never have a problem with that. (I did in one city where I lived when I was in college before, but that was because of nepotism.) It's finding work near school and home that can be tricky. I'll figure it out. I've done it before.
  5. The day I called in to work, my roommate and I were having lunch together. I told her about missing my old apartment and how I walked to the grocery store and that carrying two reusable bags of groceries each time was good exercise. She told me she'd give me a few reusable bags when I move out. This is why I ran away with catastrophe in my mind. This happens often enough regarding my living situation, but not usually with anything else*. Obviously, this is the thing that scares me the most currently. There are ways to feel better about it, more secure, and I'm taking steps to do so. Thinking back over the last year, nothing that I've been afraid of has actually come to pass. Bad things have happened, yes, but I've always found a solution just when I needed it. I'm working on finding a better job next year, made the decision to delay school by one semester, am reconnecting with a few family members in between semesters, slowly building up furniture and other basic apartment items (this stuff adds up- one plate here, one carrot peeler there, one shower curtain here...) Whenever I feel hopeless or scared, it helps to remind myself how far I've already come. I need to reach a point where, if everything around me fell away, I'd be able to reasonably sustain a roof over my head and not starve. Not only is this important for everyone, but it's particularly important to me to regain that for myself after it was stolen from me. I need to take that back. I don't think I'll ever heal if I don't. *Okay, it does with my love life. But all of these things are gradually getting better.
  6. Better today, and once I get back to my routine at home, I'll feel even better. Depression isn't doing me any favors right now. I took my quiz yesterday and did well. I just have a few summaries and essays to write today/tonight after work, and I'll be done with the week. Two more case studies, two more quizzes, three more exams, and then finals week, and I'll be done with the semester. I'll make it. The material this summer will be easier, but more condensed.
  7. I haven't ruminated about my lab partner in days. She's just a drop in the bucket. Work went well last night. I was able to sit quite a bit after the first few hours, so the pain didn't bother me so much. Less pain this morning, too. I'm familiar with most of the people coming today for brunch. I've decided to delay my application for the school program by one semester to give me more time to study for the entrance exam and work a lot to save money so I can move sooner. And apply to three more programs. One of them is bound to tolerate me. I don't know why I get so nervous when I think about living on my own again. I did it before. I had a particularly good setup then, too, though, where I could walk pretty much anywhere and shopped with a friend on the rare occasion that I needed more than my legs and two groceries bags. Maybe it's PTSD. I also made more money then. That'll improve next year.
  8. I need to stop listening to everyone else and remember my position. I know people have good intentions, but they don't think the way I have to think because they're not in my position. I'm not pulling my weight at home consistently. I know this. I've been so scattered. And, being completely open, I've spent the last three days barely getting anything done for school. The load is light right now, but I still have deadlines plus Easter brunch tomorrow when I'm normally taking a quiz.
  9. I can manage a shift tonight in spite of the still-present pain because of where it is. Thankfully. My roommate springs reminders that my time here has an expiration date when I call in to work. Last night, it was particularly hurtful. Part physical pain, part depression. It just adds to the problem, but I understand why she does it. Bad mix for me right now. I can't let myself sink that low again today, even though I'm not done grieving. No time. I've told her what my plans are. That's all I can do. And apply to school programs in areas that have bus routes. I'd be better off. I have two major metro areas somewhat near me, and after visiting my cousin, might have another option, although it's out of state. Worst case scenerio, I just use my current training to find a better job and put off school. I'll be... unhappy... if I have to do that, but... Beautiful morning. Love.
  10. @Sara280 Good morning, and welcome to the forum! I'm sorry you haven't gotten any replies yet. Sometimes it takes a bit for people to mobilize. I think you'll find it quite supportive here, once we can jump-start the car for you. I can absolutely relate to what you're experiencing - the unwanted move, disconnection from old friends, trouble finding direction, and doing all of it with depression/anxiety. I've moved unwillingly twice in my life, and both times, I felt angry and resentful. In my case, it was because of a relationship (loosely defined) problem, not a visa issue, however. I'm still struggling with the most recent move, although, overall, I'm well into the grief period and handling it better a year later. Losing your friends- I know how much that hurts. I've lost one close friend irreparably (an in zero trust, not that I'll never see her again,) but I'm discovering that, given enough time, the other one can be a more distant, infrequently seen friend who at least tries to understand and sounds like a cheerleader. Maybe give them a little bit of time, try to connect with them every few months so they don't feel pressured. I don't like burning bridges, so I've learned how to swallow pain and pride, although it hurts! You'll find your groove again. Once you find your new favorite places, meet a couple of people, settle into work- you'll feel at home again. I at least don't feel like an alien any longer. This spot on the porch feels like it's mine. The breeze, the birds singing- mine. My half-hearted routine- mine. I'm still struggling with depression, but I do feel more rooted than I did a year ago. You'll get there! Can you start small? If you drink coffee, do you have a favorite cafe? If not, I'm sure there's one out there.
  11. That is so appropriate. Someone should've told her it would save her a lot of time to just buy a ring.
  12. I don't know why, but I experience religion and spirituality much different than most. You're all so eloquent with words to describe these ideas. I'm a feeler. I'm nonverbal most of the time, a quiet person. I force myself to talk more than I want to because life is easier that way. I like the community the church provides, but in practice, I prefer to experience God, which is why I like meditation so much. I also struggle with the blood and guts part of Christianity, although I am Christian. I gravitate toward the positive and comforting parts. I'm reading Grace for the Moment by Max Lucado, and today's reading describes my experience of God perfectly. "She will have a son, and they will name him Immanuel, which means, 'God is with me.' (Matthew 1:23) The white space between Bible verses is fertile soil for questions. One can hardly read Scripture without whispering, 'I wonder...' 'I wonder if Eve ever ate any more fruit.' 'I wonder if Noah slept well during storms.'" I like to think God is fun and has a sense of humor. I love the way the Bible repeats over and over, God is with you. God is with us...
  13. @Epictetus The FBI has a body farm where they study forensic science. Corpses are placed in various ecosystems - sand, woods, in the sun, not in the sun, and allowed to decompose. You can donate your body there, too. You might contribute to the little bugs and help save lives at the same time.
  14. I meant for your parents to meet with your doctor/therapist, not your aunts. If nothing else, it can arm them with information that they can state to the rest of the family, "Professional X said this, this, and this, and this is how we're helping Meg. Not what you said about her, etc..." People respond better to professionals and people who are armed with research, as they should. As we all should. It sounds like your aunts are not even working on the same puzzle that you and your family are, that their values and what is important to them are wildly different than yours. Who in the family are these aunts talking to other than each other and your parents?
  15. Mixed. I'm sitting on the porch, and a storm is brewing. It's cool, the wind chimes are singing, the birds are chirping, and the cats are having fun. No complaints here. When I turn my attention from that, I'm in a lot of pain this morning. I tried to book an appointment with my doctor for today, but nothing is open. I'll try a different doctor on the off-chance they'd take a new patient on the same day. I need a second opinion anyway. This treatment is painful and takes a long time. I think going under the knife might be best at this point. The sleeping pill didn't make me fall asleep right away. It took at least two hours, so I slept later. Thick brain fog for about 10-15 minutes this morning, but then, clear. My sedative knocks me out within 30 minutes, and the hangover lasts for hours. The sleeping pill stays, unless I can't function during the day.
  16. It might help to have a family meeting with your doctor or therapist. Your therapist can advocate for you and basically explain to your parents what you need from them in a way that doesn't reveal what you've told them. Families and friends never do exactly what's best, but of course, some are way, way off track. I'm not sure if you'd be willing to have a family meeting, but it would educate them and give them a chance to try to do what's best for you, mediated by a professional. If it still doesn't happen after that... I'm just trying to find a way to de-escalate this for you. Hugs.
  17. Meg, my sister does the same thing. She remembers all the mistakes I made when I was still a kid to try to put me down in front of other people. I'm her scapegoat, meaning, I ruined her life by being born, and I'm the reason it's raining today and every day. It's ridiculous, and honestly, looks like mental illness in itself- the power she gives me over her life when we barely see each other or speak is incredible! I'm a particularly open and (I think) kind person when I'm not swimming in garbage like right now, so it always baffles me when someone dislikes me. Of course, I forget about the competitive stuff and jealousy (and less often, differences in political/religious views, although I don't talk about that stuff much anymore.) I grew up chubby and was bullied and told how stupid I am by her, so by default, I don't feel that I'm smart and decent-looking. I know now that those things aren't true, but knowing and feeling are two different things. For you, being 18, it's important to try not to absorb her opinions about you, not to internalize it. It's great that you're here, because we can help with that. Going forward, it's vital to have cheerleaders in your life who believe in you when you're dealing with someone like her.
  18. You may have heard of love languages - different ways people experience and give love. I forget all the types, but I work out to be in the "touch" and "quality time" categories. So, touch is an issue, given that my trauma included physical violence. I have to work through fear to reacquaint myself with feeling love. I'm a hugger. I respect those who aren't, but I'm definitely a hugger. I'd do the cheek-kissing thing if I could get away with it. I don't, though. I've had two hugs since I escaped my ex that bothered me. Both from females, interestingly enough. The others haven't bothered me at all and have included two men, both older family friends. And one ten year-old boy. I'm okay with this. It's the stuff that would come after in a romantic relationship that needs work. I've been daydreaming as a way to escape intrusive memories. I've decided to try to use it to acclimate myself to touch again, and I'll end with a massage. I've never had one, so I think this will be a good measure of how I'm doing with that. I think there's a massage school around here that probably gives them for free sometimes so the students can practice.
  19. You may have heard of love languages - different ways people experience and give love. I forget all the types, but I work out to be in the "touch" and "quality time" categories. So, touch is an issue, given that my trauma included physical violence. I have to work through fear to reacquaint myself with feeling love. I'm a hugger. I respect those who aren't, but I'm definitely a hugger. I'd do the cheek-kissing thing if I could get away with it. I don't, though. I've had two hugs since I escaped my ex that bothered me. Both from females, interestingly enough. The others haven't bothered me at all and have included two men, both older family friends. And one ten year-old boy. I'm okay with this. It's the stuff that would come after in a romantic relationship that needs work. I've been daydreaming as a way to escape intrusive memories. I've decided to try to use it to acclimate myself to touch again, and I'll end with a massage. I've never had one, so I think this will be a good measure of how I'm doing with that. I think there's a massage school around here that probably gives them for free sometimes so the students can practice.
  20. I'm a "highly sensitive person," which means, "Sensory processing sensitivity is a temperamental or personality trait involving "an increased sensitivity of the central nervous system and a deeper cognitive processing of physical, social and emotional stimuli." Y'all might relate. There's a book, The Highly Sensitive Person by Dr. Elaine Aron. Life is so much better when I honor this fact about myself and just chill more.
  21. What you've written reminds me of this quote by Diogenes: "I threw my cup away when I saw a child drinking from his hands at the trough." We complicate life way too much, don't we? Silly humans.
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