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Qwark

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  1. I'm a very private, kept-to-myself, teen male (17 years old) and for this reason, I never really had close friends or friends that I could vent or talk to. Recently, within the last few months, I started noticing that I have no close friends and fell into a deep depression. Then, I started noticing every small aspect of my life, how I feel like I'm not wanted by anyone, I feel disconnected from my family, I feel overworked and underappreciated. But because I'm such an introvert and felt it hard to open up to people I couldn't talk to anyone. However, 2 months ago I started talking to this girl, I've known her for 2 years now but we never really talked till this summer because we were both bored and started talking on discord to distract each other from the boredom. I started liking her but I'm pretty sure she simply wanted to be friends and I didn't want to ruin our friendship by confessing that I had feelings for her so to this day I've kept quiet about that. Well, one day my brain kept reminding me thought after thought about how i had no close friends, how i would probably die alone because I'm not brave enough to confess that i have feelings for someone, how i probably could never have this girl, and basically i began having an episode of depression. Well, she started texting me at that moment and she noticed something was different with me and asked me if I was ok... my instinct was to say yeah that I was fine but something in me made me say that no I wasn't. So we called on discord and I vented to her and afterward, I felt better. Through these past 2 months, we have gotten to know each other even more and we have driven around town watching the sunset, getting Starbucks, going to the park, etc. She has been my distraction from life and I have been hers, we have vented to each other and have helped each other get through our problems. There is only one problem that I could never vent to her and it is that I like her so much but I've never ever told anyone that I liked them and I'm too scared that if I do it will ruin our relationship and I really don't like taking risks AT ALL. Also, side note she went on a vacation on she won't be back till Saturday, we have been texting but I try and seem very happy and glad because I don't want her to worry about me. But if I'm being honest today has just been a horrible day, my parents are annoying me, found out some other friend backstabbed me and other friends are talking behind my back and I confronted them and was made fun of. But I don't want her to find out because I see how happy she is in her vacation distracted from her life's worries. I came home and went straight into the restroom and sat in the tub with the shower running... I began speaking saying "God why don't you just **** me, take me away from here because everything hurts." I've been listening to Runaway by Aurora on repeat and i cant stop crying and i just want it all to end I hate my life, I hate how I always feel used, I hate can't speak to anyone, I hate that the only person I let close to me I'm too scared to simply say that I like her because I feel that she only wants to be friends and I don't want our relationship to be ruined. So I decided to write here because I don't know what to do. I'm out of options and everything inside of me just feels completely shattered... only reason i haven't committed suicide is because I realize how selfish I would be to do that and I could never bring myself to hurt myself physically. help
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