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sad in grand Rapids

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Everything posted by sad in grand Rapids

  1. I know drunk isn't better than sober. I should really say dry,because I sure am not sober. I. realise deep down the cravings for mind altering substances leads to me justif my using saying its okay when i am actually actively self destructing. It's not the answer to my problems and will eventually **** me. I didn't use today and I do everything to stay away from it. Today I went to a church service and they really nice. Now see the answer is to do anything and everything to socialize and make friends. I need to try harder to get better because if I stay sick I will destroy my self. I actually feel really good tonight my mind feels quite for the first time in what feels like forever. David
  2. I'm definitely relapsing expect I was never sober just dry or clean l, but sober was worse than drunk. Problem is I don't really want to stop drinking. I'm scared but I just don't know. I feel ashamed I keep coming here and I feel like I'm just wasting every one's time. I know I'm an alcoholic and addicted to Mary Jane. If I don't have alcohol I don't smoke and if I don't have weed I don't drink. I think more clearly wasted than sober. I'm hiding my use and its increasing. I going to na tomorrow at the place I go to emotions anonymous. David
  3. I got high and drunk and again. I do need to go na. I realise I'm addicted to alcohol and weed. I used today and I just couldn't resist I went from not having any desire to use then I find I'm using. I don't use every day or drink every day but its getting worse. I need to go to na but I really don't want anyone to know that I'm going. I don't drive so I will have to find a way to go because my pride won't allow me to tell anyone I'm going. I know I need it. I also not sure i can stop using. I'm totally obsessed with it and I'm telling the truth now for the first time. It occupies almost every thought in my mind to some degree or other. I been lying about my use to my therapist and most importantly to myself. Will I use again probably because I'm an addict and even with the best intentions I still find myself back right wear I started. I'm going go na some way and do what they say. I've taken to using in secret because people have expressed worries over my using. I get so high I have panic attacks. I feel horrible sober so anxious and just unable to relax. Using is not really fun just I worry about something else. I'm not really having that much fun. I need to quit before it becomes a daily habit again. David
  4. Well I started drinking and smoking weed again and I know realise I'm an addict. I was infrequently using said substances but more recently started feeling as if I just didn't care anymore and was just going to use. I'm thinking of going to na because I just cant go back to aa because of pride I use to go. I had panic attacks last time I got high but I still got high again. I could not stop myself I had to use. I know for the first time I'm completely powerless over mind altering substances. I need help I drank so much last week I missed work and lied about reason for missing said work. I only texted my boss because I knew I was living lie. I graduated college in 2012 and have not done anything since because I'm only happy high. I actually feel better than I have in years because I know what's fundamental the matter. I'm so ashamed I've wasted my life because I'm can't deal with life. David
  5. Tonight a realization came over me that the only way to healing is nutrition. I started some Research and found this doctor mark hyman and plan on using diet to help myself. I know now that drugs aren't the answer and also my long history of eating poorly and drinking has taken its toll. I'm also done with playing the victim its just a self fulling Prophecy. I'm going to get well . I need to at least reduce my meds. I going try to find a functional medicine doctor this week who i hope will help ween me off meds. I will no longer be controlled and forced to poison my self any longer. David David
  6. I'm not doing well at all. I don't know what's wrong. I probably over medicated and need to so something about that. I'm so sick i can't do anything. I'm so confused and i don't know what to do. I'm thinking about seeing a functional medicine doc who will hellp me get off meds. At least the ones that i don't need. David
  7. I agree but i can't just go cold turkey as it could be dangerous. I tried before and it didn't work out. If i don't take my sequel i won't sleep period. I'm to scared to just stop because of withdrawals. I thought i was doing the right thing going back to a psychiatrist but I'm worse off than i was before. I wonder if i could go some were to detox off the meds and not start new ones because I'm terrified of withdrawal symptoms. Going though all this has made me very neurotic which i hate. David
  8. I think i need to check in to mental hospital at a major university teaching hospital to detox off meds and start over. I just feel so physically unwell and no believes me that my meds are poisoning me. I feel so sick and my body feels hot all the time. I'm afraid to tell my boss i need to leave for a while again. I just have to do something because i can't take it anymore. I'm not sleeping well 6 hours a night. I really do appreciate all the kind words every one has said. Today i felt so out barley able to talk at times. I still to scared to ask for time off to get help although i would need to find out what sort of help and where. David
  9. I'm in this haze on depression much of the time and its getting worse. I also feel guilty for posting because i feel like I'm wasting peoples time. I went to me emotions anonymous meeting today then ate out with them afterward which did help a lot. That's a positive but its really hard to see anything but darkness. I'm exhausted all the time and working is getting to be really hard but i know if i wasn't working i would sleep all day. I also have bad aches and pains. I also realised that my therapist app isn't till next tue. I've been close to having crying spells at work and am so tired of pretending I'm fine when the opposite is true. I just can't get the results of that test i took out because its says everything bad and i messed up in every way so why even try. It didn't really say that but i took all negative and through out all the positive. Then feel embarrased about obsessing over this. I just can't let it go. My bedroom is squalor its has trash,dishes,and laundry. David
  10. Maeby I'm going through withdrawal because i was a heavy user of dabs and used a ridiculous amount and used alcohol with it. I am addicted to it for sure because i feel really lost without it. Everything is so much harder sober. I quit because it turned on me and the desire to use is gone I'm done. Its not that i want it its that I'm so anxious and depressed i can't stand it. I think I'm going back to a mental hospital soon. At night i get afraid for my life and posting here is only thing keeping me from already being their. I believe my problem is a chemical imbalance. My job is hard on my body so I'm in pain all the time. I get pain in my chest wall from rib cage inflammation so that reinforces my anxiety. I need to be nicer to my self but its hard because i have no self worth. Just making it into work is becoming really hard because i can't sleep at night because on night time panic attacks. David
  11. I understand I'm also on the spectrum' very depressed and i live with chronic pain. I'm sorry you are suffering and i wish i had the answer to help you but i don't. I'm a mess my self but i just wanted you to know that someone cared about you. David
  12. I'm feeling worse than ever and unable to do anything. I feel no hope because how can i ever solve my problems. This is the most depressed I'I've ever been. I'm basically non functional and feel so very defective. I feel guilty for posting about how bad i feel and wasting peoples time. I just can't seem to do anything to stop feeling bad. I'm also exhausted most of the time and people get on me for sleeping to much. This makes feel guilty for sleeping to much. The news from the cognitive test sent me into this nose dive just when i was starting to feel a little better. I know I'm not stupid its the mental illness have probably hurt my mental functioning. I hope seeing my new therapist on tuesday will help and i can talk about how I'm feeling. Mabey i need to go to a mental hospital again but at a major university for more expert help.
  13. I need to accept my self which is very hard as i have been fighting feelings of low self worth my whole life. Also i have very little social interaction so I'm in my own head nearly all the time. I need help in finding friends as I'm incompetent socialy when it comes making friends. I so desperately lonely it makes my soul ache. I need more help than I'm getting but am to depressed to do anything about it. Also I'm not sleeping well again and i feel on the verge of a break down. I've been asking my self how did i get this sick and did i do this at least in part to my self with my out of control substance abuse. I been mostly sober since november but I've used a few times. Its painfull to see things from a perspective that's realistic when you are used to seeing things though Bong colored glasses. I wish i never tried pot because i became addicted instantly at age 31. Its hard to admit but I'm addicted to it. At the time i was just getting over an alcohol problem. When it comes down to it I'm addicted to escaping reality. I did go to my emotions anyomonous meeting tonight along with a recovery church service. I see my new therapist on tuesday and, i will tell her how poorly I'm doing. David
  14. Thanks for the support i wonder if my severe anxiety,depression, and being sleep deprived affected the test. Also i have noticed trouble with verbal language recall since i was put on my current meds. Furthermore its most noticable when I'm not well rested. I worried this means won't be able to independent and basically have no hope. I know i shouldn't let this affect me so much but i can't help it. It makes me feel even more inferior as the tests said 84 percent of population is smarter than me. All the other tests i took before had me slightly above average overall and way above normal verbally. I have such low self esteem that this ******* me. It feels like now I'm not good at anything now. David
  15. Its not fair why do i get the short end of the stick all the time. In my psyc study i had done i was told my anxiety is so bad its off the charts and is highly unusual even for subjects in research studies. Also my iq was 105 now its 85 how the does that even happen. I ready to snap i really am. I only got 4 hours sleep the night before the test so maeby that's it. I obsessing over the tests results and i hate everything.i hate my self and hate this horrible uncaring world. I have no joy left and no hope. I have so many problems how can i ever hope to be happy. I feel so alone with the crushing weight of the world bering down upon me. I might as well just give up and take to my bed. I also have high functioning autism which is what used to be called aspergers disorder. David
  16. I'm doing very poorly today as i received the results of my psych test. The kaufman brief intelligence test said my iq was only 85 (102 verbal and 70 non verbale) This is devastating to me since i have always thought i was smart. Now i feel I'm not good for anything and basically feel completely defective in every way possible. The last time i was tested i scored over 100 so this is quite a shock. I was very tired the day of the test so that may be a factor.also i have a bachelor's degree and did very well in school. I also wonder if my meds are limiting my intellectual functioning. In addition i feel smarter than that number i received. Still this is a least a 20 percent drop from the last time i took an iq test which is alarming. Another possible factor The clincincein stated that their is significant variability in my test results so that could affect the possible validity of the test. I'm now obsessing over this as it just feels like i am being kicked while i am down. It makes me feel stupid and my intelligence is the only thing i thought i had going for my self. David
  17. Today i slept all day after an app this morning. I'm still tired and I'm so anxious on top of the depression. I was going to go to ea meeting but forgot to. I want to change my life but im to dpressed to do anything but go to work. I have no social life i cant drive and feel so isolated. I need to escape but cant. I have ideas to improve my life but just have no energy.i almost used today and I'm close to breaking. I have this urge to drink and get high until i can't feel anything. Anything to take the pain away because i can't take much more of this i need some relief. David
  18. Okay i didn't use and i am happy i didn't. I realise why i want use because of anxiety although using those substances would have made my anxity much worse afterwords it would enable me to feel good now if i just smoke enough herb and drink enough beer in just the right combo. The thing is i never started thinking i would stop using but what happened is i started experiencing palpation and feeling bad so i quit. I have since quite several times i keep coming back doing the same thing but expecting the results to be different. I know that the solution is to get better and make friends so i can live not just exist. I now have a new therapist and see her next week. Also i need to take baby steps and try to make small goals and hold my self accountable. The key is that they achievable given my current condition. David
  19. I'm craving using herb and drinking right now. I almost used already but decided to post instead. I haven't been using food today to self medicate and my cravings to get high have skyrocketed. I want to use and at the same time i don't want to use. The problem is if i use i will feel better for a while and quite possibly really good. That said its just as likely i will bad. Also when everything wears off i am sure to feel worse. Okay i wrote this friday but never posted it. I'm having a terrible urge to use both. I've been fantasising all day about it and sooner or later I'm going to use. I haven't used herb in 5 plus weeks but feel close to using it. Its such a nice day warm,sunny and I'm craving it bad. Its all i can think of. David
  20. I need to do something major to shake me up I'm just going no were. I wasting my life and its ******* me inside to live the way I'm living as i once had huge goals and was highly motivated. Its sad but i wish using still worked because it did make me feel great but alas it no longer works so i don't do it anymore. I guess that's a victory that I'm not doing the same thing over and over expecting different results s. Mabey im same now and i can see the things that are missing because I'm now longer expecting different results. Also I'm so anxious right now i can barley leave my house outside of work so if i can fix that i will improve my life. I need to stop beating myself up. I'm going to join every support group i can for every issue i have. I also get analyses paralysis. The last couple of days i just realised I'm actually starting to feel again. Not happy thoughts but still emotions ive been able to cry which i never did no matter what happend.
  21. Okay i realise that a big part of my problem helping my self is i have zero energy at all. I also have terrible chronic pain everywhere in body it just hurts almost everywhere. Also i still really miss smoking herb and drinking which i haven't been doing. I quit because it started giving scary symptoms so im scared to do it other wise I'd still be doing it. Im clean but not happy. I haven't ate any sweets today which is hard since its the only time i feel good. I need to go back to the emotions anonymous meetings i was going to. Last i realise i have been in give up mode lately so i need to start trying again. David
  22. Any advice about thinking more positively? I ask because I've been feeling sorry for myself and it doesn't help. Tonight's been really hard and I'm craving herb and drink no plans to use though. I miss the sense of ease and comfort it used to give. I just feel poorly physically almost all the time with pain from head to toe. I don't know how i keep going to work. I feel i have nothing now that I'm not using. I haven't slept good for four days and I'm starting to have some really crazy ideas. I almost hope for mania if its coming then i do all the stuff i am afraid to do depressed. I might me going back to mental hospital soon but it won't do any good. I never should have gotten help if you can call it that. David
  23. Well i got my results from psych tests said bi polar ADHD. She explained that a lot of my problems are from executive function difficulty which basically to sum it up i have serious problems getting things done even though I'm very smart based on the tests they did. She said keep working with therapist which i don't currently have( she left for another job but is looking for one for me).I'm having really difficult feelings right now. She recommended that i get ADHD coaching which i can't afford to help me figure out how to do what i need to do to be happy and successful. I agree because i have a hard time knowing where to start and have difficulty having motivation to do it. My crippling anxiety and depression doesn't help. I'm not using any substances anymore so which has been hard because they allowed me to escape the hell on earth that is my mind. I also cant enjoy anything like i used to because everything sucks when you do it sober. I'm mean it just doesn't do anything for me Im only sober because pot turned on me and now makes my heart race some times when i use it. If it still worked id still be using it but it no longer works so i don't use it. It took me a long time to come to terms with that fact because it was the love of my life and i swore I'd never stop. I think I'm grieving over this loss. Unfortunately I to have turned to compulsively eating junk food with sweets being the worst culprit. My depression also triggers my anxiety and then i have a panic attack. Anytime i get real emotional i trigger a panic attack. Dealing with anxiety and depression like this feels like being locked in a vise unable to move then ADHD on top of that and i feel i can't figure out what to do to get out. Im also dependent of my parents for rides and live at home. I been having a lot of fights with them. The thing is i need the help to find the help. Last i signed up for some meetup groups based on different activites clubs. I haven't gone because I'm afraid they will judge me for not being able to drive and still living at home. David
  24. Yeah i know its not solution and the more i think it though the less i want to do it but when get the craving i just start fantasising about it. The craving just builds and builds until i use. It doesn't help that i have no life and never get out. David
  25. Its been 23 days since i touched any mind altering substance and i really want to escape reality really bad today. I can't stop worrying and i feel no joy in anything i do. I know it will end up badly by nights end but my mind still goes their even though i know that the good times are over. I'm just so miserable that I'm desperate for relief even if the cost of felling good for a few hours is feeling worse for twice as many hours at the least. The desire been building for the last week and my resolve has been weakening. Last i have been compulsively consuming sweets for months. I do realise that none of the aforementioned unhealthy coping Mechanisms will make me feel any better and in fact will only make things worse. The problem is i don't have healthy coping skills only counterproductive ones. The other thing is i avoid confrontation as if it is the plague which causes me to feel worse about my self. Even asking for a day off from work makes me terrible anxious. David
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