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sad in grand Rapids

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  1. sad in grand Rapids

    i feel better

    i feel happy for first time in long time. I've also quit drinking 16 days about.
  2. sad in grand Rapids

    i feel better

    my life is coming together i made two friends and my days of suffering are at an end. not drinking has changed my life but more important was a correct diagnosis and treatment. i feel like i am becoming the person i was meant to be all along. david
  3. sad in grand Rapids

    moving on with life

    life is awsome and i feel great and yes im high but i now are certain as i like to say is life changing if used corerctly i feel more balanced and I've taken many tolerance breaks that send mood into hyper drive then i crash and i wlllow in despair for months. mood stabilizers are really helping i still haven't reached a high enough blood level so i have to go the to lab in 5 days and see if depakote level are high enough and in patient doc or pamiry will okay 2000 mg a day. it was raised to 1500 mg Dose After Blood Test. I feel a lot better than 2 weeks ago. I Have undergone a tremendous Transformation in the last 2 weeks. II believe I have a bright future in front of me I believe it was mental illness that was holding me back this whole time. So I make this declaration I will never give up In the words In the words of Jimmy V Don't give up don't ever give up! I have given up almost all my unhealthy thoughts. This outpatient day program has completely re organize self that I know believe in myself now and it's real. im going to ask a girl out to have coffee i like at work. She will probaly say no or she has someone but imost important doing is me doing the asking. asking is a quantum step for me but if you want something you half to show up. i stoped schowing up for life expect work and skiing and drink and get high/drink,rock out, watch tv repeat. I'm just being realistic she statically will probably say no. i have to worry about me others can have watherver thoughts they want. i would accept a even a friendship as you can never use to many friends. i am also going to see myvindividual therapist monday the phychrist in one month but may have canaclations. also going to calvin college and talk to old professors and ask for recomdation for job. i want to somehow go to grade school i love learning. school is easy for me but it used to be hard then i became responsible and it was great. david
  4. sad in grand Rapids

    discharge from partial program

    well im being dischaged from program because of insurance reasons. im still anxious and cant sleep. i have reveral from them for therapy both meds and therapist.. also im taking valium several times a day i can take up to 6 a day and stil bad. i think it was weed that was helping but they said it makes mental illness work. i dont wantbto get high im using it because i feel like its only thing that brings my anxiety down. also i have to see doc 3 times before they will help with meds. so im gooing to have to sufffer for weeeks. i cant sleep without smoking and i dont do it every day. sorry for not spell checking im to upset. i guess im going to half to suffer and im having homicidal th thoughts about my insurance providers. david
  5. sad in grand Rapids

    Partial hospitalization update

    well I'm coming to conclusion that medical cannabis is necessary for me. It really helps my my mania and anxiety. It just that i need the right kind. I've found a strain that helps with these thingsv, and its called sky walker OG which truly makes me feel normal when i consume it. I'm not going to use cannabis for a while until my meds are straighted. This is because they need to find out what is actually working and not working. i haven't drank any alcohol since wed night. I'm not using my cannabis tonight and i feel really manic and really anxious. so i come to conclusion cannabis is a positive not a negative. i wouldn't have known this had i not stoped drinking. also i switched my strains because different types(strains) can produce completely opposite effects. furthermore when i said drugs on this forum i meant cannabis as i don't use any other substances since i quit drinking. in addition i never drank every day and never felt bad next day its was about once or twice a week i would drink to much. The drinking is over for the foreseeable future. i might allow my self social drinking once i am stable for a long time. I am not an alcoholic alcohol just doesn't agree with me when i use it regularly so i quit. i don't miss it at all. Also there is this cute girl at work and i might ask her out(i don't work with her). My self esteem is that much better already. I'm not depressed any more right now. I prayed to god several times for help after watching joel osteen and then several events happened that led me to get help. i believe this has been a divine intervention and a Genuine Miracle. My meds still aren't right but i feel better about my self. I'm still feeling manic and very anxious. I also didn't know i was manic until my doctor at hospital diagnosed me withs bi-polar disorder. she said its a less sever type of bi-polar. Tomorrow will be the 7th day of partial hospitalization and i probably will be going several more days. David PS. I am no longer sad anymore.
  6. sad in grand Rapids

    not drinking for foreseeable future

    thanks everybody i am actually feeling like im going to achieve my dreams but i dont half to do it untill im more emotionally stable. i need to get better first. David
  7. sad in grand Rapids

    not drinking for foreseeable future

    i am not drinking anymore. i committed to not drinking to head doctor. i also did the same in group. i am going to continue to use cannabis modertly. i discovered that it was booze causing the side negative effects. i found out an heavy indca really helps my anxiety, insomnia, and pain. so no drinking and only moderate cannabis use. furthermore if im not anxious or in pain i wont use anything thats not percsibed. also im open to not using cannabis in the future if i have to even though i don't want to. i don't want to drink anymore though. David
  8. sad in grand Rapids

    have substances abuse problem

    thanks for the touching post. i was involved heavily in aa in past. i feel as if im not an alcoholic. i only drink when i use cannabis and dont usually get drunk. i usually have 2 to 4 drinks and don't drink more than 3 times a week. My problem is i bing drink every 1 to 4 weeks. do i have a problem yes but am i an alcoholic no i am not. when i went to aa i couldn't relate to other peoples experiences as they seemed to have less control over their drinking than me. i i couldn't accept i was an alcoholic because in all honesty im not. my plan is to join s support group of some kind. ill have to do some research. im working really hard in group at mental hospital working on my issues and ive told them everything iv done. David
  9. sad in grand Rapids

    have substances abuse problem

    well i dank when i was younger but didn't use cannabis still i was 30 as my sister introduced me to. any way how to get help without my mom knowing i don't want here to know. i cleaned up all evidence of puke. clearly if im drinking so much I am getting sick then i have a problem clearly.
  10. sad in grand Rapids

    have substances abuse problem

    ive been addicted since i was 14 years old. i don't know what to do. i need to do something but feel delusional i have been rationalizing use. i thought i just use less but it didn't work. the thing is im not manic when im high drunk . i realise that i am manic most of time. i just didn't realize it. i always feeling like cant sit still and feeling like i i could run for 100 miles. i need to stop this bad. i will do anything to stay sober. David
  11. sad in grand Rapids

    have substances abuse problem

    ok i have problem with weed and booze. i drank 6 beers and 2 0z of wisky. well im going tell group that im severely addicted to weed and alcohol.i cant imagin a wold with out getting drunk . i hate being week i just cant stop myself from weed and alcohol at same time. oh god im out of control and need help. i have to stop this i have high blood pressure and im pulling this crap i always crave weed and its honestly all i i think of. im that sick i cant stop doing it. i want to stop this i feeling bad i need help so bad but am afraid to get help l. i cant stay sober to save my life im tellingly you. im feeling bad im freaked out because im so wasted. im done with substances i need to get sober i feels so bad because i been drinking a lot and smoking a lot of weed l. i need to stop this is to hard on me. please be gental im feeling so much guilt i feel like everything my falt . i drank so much im feeling nauseous i i accepted now im an alcoholic and addicted to weed as well. i m here with my head spinning and i i might be throwing up soon. please i need help i cant stop my self from smoking weed. i just thewup i am done its not worth throwup 10 times. i dont know how i drank enough to puke several times. i feel better after puking. no more drinking period. im done with alcohol. i just went crazy and drank till i puked and smoked a shit ton of weed. man i i haven't puked in years. im going to talk about my addiction to weed alchohol in group tomorrow. im determined to get better i wil not drink anymore im done. David David
  12. sad in grand Rapids

    diagnosed with bipolar disorder

    also they started me on depakote
  13. sad in grand Rapids

    diagnosed with bipolar disorder

    thanks I'm feeling so much better. my blood pressure is high today so got to get back to eating healthy which I am starting tonight. David David
  14. sad in grand Rapids

    diagnosed with bipolar disorder

    hello everyone I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder today and also found out i dont have aspergers disorder. at least that is what physicist told me today at the partial hospitalization program. also I want to tell everyone I'm not an addict and that is the conclusion I've reached I have just been self medicating. I have had some side effects but not from alcohol. I have only had 2 drinks in past week. also I'm able to easily control amounts I use. I have frequently posted under the influence so those posts were inaccurate. I was also completely honest about my use in group. I don't have any negative effects from any time I use next day only right after it wears off. I only have about 10 drinks a week and everyone know alcoholics drink that much every night. I promise I wont get high more than twice a week. it really helps my anxiety and makes anti anxiety meds work better. I just need to use it like medication and use the minimum amount to help calm me down. it only with excessive use that I have problems. also moderate and infrequent use isn't bad for blood pressure. I'm sober as I write this and haven't touched it in days. if I still have negative effects with this level of use I will quit. I'd rather smoke than take valium which is physically addictive plus I have pain that only medical marijuana helps. furthermore I realize that my bi polar disorder explains a lot of anxiety after weed wears off. the bi polar is being treated with weed and simply is returning after it wears off. I wont do more than twice weakly. I also dont care if have a different opinion my opinion is all that matters. it's my life and I will live as I see fit. i do admit that have bi polar disorder could be clouding my judgment but I still dont think I'm an addict. i also believe addiction isn't a brain disease. I have done research. there was s study were rats were given access to drugs but were given as play ground called rat park were the rats had all kinds of toys,grass a, tunnels and everything a rat could ever want non of these rats chose the drugs wearase the rats in cages with nothing to do choose the drugs. this Is because drugs simulate the hormones you get when you bond with others and have relationships. so the cure for drug abuse is it establish connections and to treat underlying mental health problems with meds and cbt,dbt,and exposure therapy. I also have been put on depakote to stabilize my moods. also I now have app for sleep study and cbt specifically for sleep. thanks for all the support and inspiration I received from the many people here who gave me valuable feedback. last in going to move out and try to find room mate once I'm stabilized and feeling better. I have real hope for first time in years.also my blood pressure has been going down steadily. Also I wont take any mind altering substance unless my BP is good already. David
  15. sad in grand Rapids

    real change is coming

    I'm determined to change everything in my life. I realise that i cant keep self sabotaging my self. I'm talking it one day at a time. when I try to say never again it's to overwhelming and seems impossible. so I say I can Always do it later when craving comes up just not today. I'm going to see how i feel as time goes by sober and see if I feel better. I cant be abusing substances and get effective treatment for mental health issues. I'm going to feel the feelings instead of running away from them. I'm going to mention in group tomorrow that I been self medicating my feelings. I realise that I'm going through a process of accepting my issues. If I slip I am going to dust my self off and try again. that's not and excuse to use. I'm going to try my best to stay sober. I realise that I haven't been flip but an overwhelming diser to get high is problem. the doc at the hospital said I need to establish a real social life. I use drugs and alcohol to try to gain feelings that I would get through relationship. so giving this is scary using has become my entire life. I don't have one out side of weed and booze. David
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