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sad in grand Rapids

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  1. Tonight a realization came over me that the only way to healing is nutrition. I started some Research and found this doctor mark hyman and plan on using diet to help myself. I know now that drugs aren't the answer and also my long history of eating poorly and drinking has taken its toll. I'm also done with playing the victim its just a self fulling Prophecy. I'm going to get well . I need to at least reduce my meds. I going try to find a functional medicine doctor this week who i hope will help ween me off meds. I will no longer be controlled and forced to poison my self any longer. David David
  2. I'm not doing well at all. I don't know what's wrong. I probably over medicated and need to so something about that. I'm so sick i can't do anything. I'm so confused and i don't know what to do. I'm thinking about seeing a functional medicine doc who will hellp me get off meds. At least the ones that i don't need. David
  3. I agree but i can't just go cold turkey as it could be dangerous. I tried before and it didn't work out. If i don't take my sequel i won't sleep period. I'm to scared to just stop because of withdrawals. I thought i was doing the right thing going back to a psychiatrist but I'm worse off than i was before. I wonder if i could go some were to detox off the meds and not start new ones because I'm terrified of withdrawal symptoms. Going though all this has made me very neurotic which i hate. David
  4. I think i need to check in to mental hospital at a major university teaching hospital to detox off meds and start over. I just feel so physically unwell and no believes me that my meds are poisoning me. I feel so sick and my body feels hot all the time. I'm afraid to tell my boss i need to leave for a while again. I just have to do something because i can't take it anymore. I'm not sleeping well 6 hours a night. I really do appreciate all the kind words every one has said. Today i felt so out barley able to talk at times. I still to scared to ask for time off to get help although i would need to find out what sort of help and where. David
  5. I'm in this haze on depression much of the time and its getting worse. I also feel guilty for posting because i feel like I'm wasting peoples time. I went to me emotions anonymous meeting today then ate out with them afterward which did help a lot. That's a positive but its really hard to see anything but darkness. I'm exhausted all the time and working is getting to be really hard but i know if i wasn't working i would sleep all day. I also have bad aches and pains. I also realised that my therapist app isn't till next tue. I've been close to having crying spells at work and am so tired of pretending I'm fine when the opposite is true. I just can't get the results of that test i took out because its says everything bad and i messed up in every way so why even try. It didn't really say that but i took all negative and through out all the positive. Then feel embarrased about obsessing over this. I just can't let it go. My bedroom is squalor its has trash,dishes,and laundry. David
  6. Maeby I'm going through withdrawal because i was a heavy user of dabs and used a ridiculous amount and used alcohol with it. I am addicted to it for sure because i feel really lost without it. Everything is so much harder sober. I quit because it turned on me and the desire to use is gone I'm done. Its not that i want it its that I'm so anxious and depressed i can't stand it. I think I'm going back to a mental hospital soon. At night i get afraid for my life and posting here is only thing keeping me from already being their. I believe my problem is a chemical imbalance. My job is hard on my body so I'm in pain all the time. I get pain in my chest wall from rib cage inflammation so that reinforces my anxiety. I need to be nicer to my self but its hard because i have no self worth. Just making it into work is becoming really hard because i can't sleep at night because on night time panic attacks. David
  7. I understand I'm also on the spectrum' very depressed and i live with chronic pain. I'm sorry you are suffering and i wish i had the answer to help you but i don't. I'm a mess my self but i just wanted you to know that someone cared about you. David
  8. I'm feeling worse than ever and unable to do anything. I feel no hope because how can i ever solve my problems. This is the most depressed I'I've ever been. I'm basically non functional and feel so very defective. I feel guilty for posting about how bad i feel and wasting peoples time. I just can't seem to do anything to stop feeling bad. I'm also exhausted most of the time and people get on me for sleeping to much. This makes feel guilty for sleeping to much. The news from the cognitive test sent me into this nose dive just when i was starting to feel a little better. I know I'm not stupid its the mental illness have probably hurt my mental functioning. I hope seeing my new therapist on tuesday will help and i can talk about how I'm feeling. Mabey i need to go to a mental hospital again but at a major university for more expert help.
  9. I need to accept my self which is very hard as i have been fighting feelings of low self worth my whole life. Also i have very little social interaction so I'm in my own head nearly all the time. I need help in finding friends as I'm incompetent socialy when it comes making friends. I so desperately lonely it makes my soul ache. I need more help than I'm getting but am to depressed to do anything about it. Also I'm not sleeping well again and i feel on the verge of a break down. I've been asking my self how did i get this sick and did i do this at least in part to my self with my out of control substance abuse. I been mostly sober since november but I've used a few times. Its painfull to see things from a perspective that's realistic when you are used to seeing things though Bong colored glasses. I wish i never tried pot because i became addicted instantly at age 31. Its hard to admit but I'm addicted to it. At the time i was just getting over an alcohol problem. When it comes down to it I'm addicted to escaping reality. I did go to my emotions anyomonous meeting tonight along with a recovery church service. I see my new therapist on tuesday and, i will tell her how poorly I'm doing. David
  10. Thanks for the support i wonder if my severe anxiety,depression, and being sleep deprived affected the test. Also i have noticed trouble with verbal language recall since i was put on my current meds. Furthermore its most noticable when I'm not well rested. I worried this means won't be able to independent and basically have no hope. I know i shouldn't let this affect me so much but i can't help it. It makes me feel even more inferior as the tests said 84 percent of population is smarter than me. All the other tests i took before had me slightly above average overall and way above normal verbally. I have such low self esteem that this ******* me. It feels like now I'm not good at anything now. David
  11. Its not fair why do i get the short end of the stick all the time. In my psyc study i had done i was told my anxiety is so bad its off the charts and is highly unusual even for subjects in research studies. Also my iq was 105 now its 85 how the does that even happen. I ready to snap i really am. I only got 4 hours sleep the night before the test so maeby that's it. I obsessing over the tests results and i hate everything.i hate my self and hate this horrible uncaring world. I have no joy left and no hope. I have so many problems how can i ever hope to be happy. I feel so alone with the crushing weight of the world bering down upon me. I might as well just give up and take to my bed. I also have high functioning autism which is what used to be called aspergers disorder. David
  12. I'm doing very poorly today as i received the results of my psych test. The kaufman brief intelligence test said my iq was only 85 (102 verbal and 70 non verbale) This is devastating to me since i have always thought i was smart. Now i feel I'm not good for anything and basically feel completely defective in every way possible. The last time i was tested i scored over 100 so this is quite a shock. I was very tired the day of the test so that may be a factor.also i have a bachelor's degree and did very well in school. I also wonder if my meds are limiting my intellectual functioning. In addition i feel smarter than that number i received. Still this is a least a 20 percent drop from the last time i took an iq test which is alarming. Another possible factor The clincincein stated that their is significant variability in my test results so that could affect the possible validity of the test. I'm now obsessing over this as it just feels like i am being kicked while i am down. It makes me feel stupid and my intelligence is the only thing i thought i had going for my self. David
  13. Today i slept all day after an app this morning. I'm still tired and I'm so anxious on top of the depression. I was going to go to ea meeting but forgot to. I want to change my life but im to dpressed to do anything but go to work. I have no social life i cant drive and feel so isolated. I need to escape but cant. I have ideas to improve my life but just have no energy.i almost used today and I'm close to breaking. I have this urge to drink and get high until i can't feel anything. Anything to take the pain away because i can't take much more of this i need some relief. David
  14. Okay i didn't use and i am happy i didn't. I realise why i want use because of anxiety although using those substances would have made my anxity much worse afterwords it would enable me to feel good now if i just smoke enough herb and drink enough beer in just the right combo. The thing is i never started thinking i would stop using but what happened is i started experiencing palpation and feeling bad so i quit. I have since quite several times i keep coming back doing the same thing but expecting the results to be different. I know that the solution is to get better and make friends so i can live not just exist. I now have a new therapist and see her next week. Also i need to take baby steps and try to make small goals and hold my self accountable. The key is that they achievable given my current condition. David
  15. I'm craving using herb and drinking right now. I almost used already but decided to post instead. I haven't been using food today to self medicate and my cravings to get high have skyrocketed. I want to use and at the same time i don't want to use. The problem is if i use i will feel better for a while and quite possibly really good. That said its just as likely i will bad. Also when everything wears off i am sure to feel worse. Okay i wrote this friday but never posted it. I'm having a terrible urge to use both. I've been fantasising all day about it and sooner or later I'm going to use. I haven't used herb in 5 plus weeks but feel close to using it. Its such a nice day warm,sunny and I'm craving it bad. Its all i can think of. David
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