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cosb4568

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About cosb4568

  • Birthday 03/25/2000

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  1. I made a huge mistake and it’s something I feel like I will regert forever. I shut off my emotions after my boyfriend broke up with me and I went to go to dating websites which I shouldn’t have done. Because I started to get to know this guy and then I thought I was in love with him and he and I got in conversation about sex. Which I have had never had before. He made a comment at one point that most people don’t wait to have it until their married. I originally wasn’t going to do that until that time and for some reason I was into the fact that I most likely found someone better than my ex that I decided even though I wasn’t completly comfortable to have sex. Even though my gut was telling me to not do it I did it anyways. Now I regert it because after my dad found out that I did it in his house while he was gone because I’m still living with him, I’m 18. He lost it. He said if I let anyone else in our house again I have 30 days notice to get out. But he wasn’t mad that I had sex it was the fact that I let someone he didn’t know in. I knew this guy for almost a week and then I did that with him. Now I’m realizing how stupid it was. I wasn’t in love with the guy I thought I was but it was just me telling myself mostly probably to hide the truth. I still wasn’t over my first boyfriend and I didn’t want to feel the emotions because if I let those in I feel like I will drown. Plus to top it I’m going to doctors tomorrow for a physical to make sure I’m okay. I don’t know how to feel I was crying the night after I did it, and now I just feel guilty.
  2. Even though my boyfriend who is now my ex broke up with me, today I decided I’m not going to let that tear myself down. I started listening to music and I started being really happy for the first time in awhile. I haven’t been this happy in awhile by myself. I think it’s good because I don’t want to sit around and think about him I just want to enjoy my life and the little moments I have which that’s what I’m doing now I hope things continue to get better.
  3. So this is how my day started, I went to work and I saw my boyfriend who I haven’t talked to in a month because he was in basic training, post something on Facebook. He texted me on messanger which is a texting app for Facebook. But anyways he said I’m sorry I can’t be in a realtionship right now because I can barely take care of myself and be able to be there for you. Also he said we can still be friends, which was salt to the wound. Because we always loved each other and we were never friends. But now I think basic has changed him like he said but not for the good. He’s changed and now he’s giving up on our realtionship. What he said isn’t an excuse. Now Ive been depressed and crying and eating ice cream since I got home. I went home from work early because of this. We dated for almost a year that’s why this broke me this month would have been a year.
  4. Thanks I'm glad things are turning around for the good @Epictetus
  5. I was depressed this morning like usual and then all of the sudden after my counseling appointment and other appointments I had I felt happy out of nowhere. I’ve been happy all afternoon up until this point in time, I think I finally have hope now. Tomorrow I get to talk i my boyfriend on the phone after 9 weeks of not seeing him because of basic training. He graduates on Thursday and I’m so glad and proud of him. I’m so happy to get to talk to him tomorrow. I don’t know how long this happiness will last but I don’t want to be depressed anymore. So I hope I can continue to keep holding onto hope.
  6. I hate myself and what I keep doing. Today I almost made myself sick because I ate too much food because I was depressed. I wasn’t crying or anything I just eat to push away my emotions and to make myself feel good but later on I feel gulity. Why am I so messed up? I wish I could go back to high school being an adult sucks. Even though I’m barely an adult. I’m 18 and it already sucks and I feel like once I move out it’s going to suck even more. I just want to go back to easier times. I hate my situation right now. I can’t get out of being depressed. No matter what I do i can only distract myself for so long. Even though I finally got a job and now I’m getting out of the house in some sort of way by earning money, it didn’t make it go away. This nightmare.
  7. I’m still depressed I thought my medience made that go away but I was wrong. Yes my medication helped me not cry so much and it helped me with my appetite. But now I can barely sleep, I wake up super early like 4 am or earlier. Then I take like 2-3 hour naps during the day. Also I’ve been overeating which the cause of that is most likely my binge eating disorder. But I still have symptoms, I not really dealing with my depression any better than before, before I felt like crap, now I’m just pushing my feelings away. Hoping not to feel it by eating a lot or sleeping. But in the end I still feel crappy, it’s just now in a different way. I thought I was fine because I wasn’t crying anymore, maybe I should tell my counselor about this. Things in a way are getting better as in my situation because now I have a job I’m starting tomorrow but there are other factors that are making me feel like crap. Like I haven’t talked to my stepmom in almost a month because she’s mad at me. I’m afraid to text her because I don’t want her blowing up on me. Sometimes i wonder whether having a realtionship is worth my happiness anymore. I feel happier not talking to her. Also having no friends in area and being alone a lot because my dad goes on trips for work to other states and my boyfriend is still in basic training but he’s almost out so hopefully things will get better. But I have so many problems it crushed me before and now I just think sleeping is better than reality.
  8. I miss my boyfriend, it’s hit me hard just now. I’ve said probably a million times I miss him over the past 8 weeks he’s been gone to basic training but those were just words that didn’t even compare to him much I really I feel. I miss him so much it hurts, Ive been crying over him for weeks. Hoping that he’s okay and safe even when I got a letter from him I still missed him and I still do. I got a week until he’s out but he’s going to do his training next but he dosent have a phone so I have no idea when he will be able to contact me next and I haven’t had contact with him for a month now. Past few days I’ve been in a good mood thinking oh he’s almost out but he also took his physical training test yesterday and he’s supposed to call his parents to tell them his results. But he hasn’t called yet and I’m scared for him. I’m scared that he won’t graduate because I know how much this means to him. I don’t know what I will do if he dosent get into army because i know he will be sad if he dosent. I want it to be a happy occasion when I get to talk to him again. I just miss him so much it sucks it’s gotten a little better now since there’s only a week left but I might only get to talk to him one time until he gets a phone which who knows how long that might be.
  9. @BeyondWeary no I haven’t tried that. I also talked to my dad and he says that it takes time for my new dosage of my medication to kick in so I’m going to wait and see what happens. When you said I can message you was that about the medication? It wasn’t really clear to me.
  10. I was fine the past two days or as fine as I can be and now I’m back into my depression. Yesterday I was stressing about not being able to talk to my boyfriend since he’s in basic training for army and he has very little contact with people because of that. But I went to bed thinking about it and I had a dream I got to see him again and when I woke up I wanted to go back to sleep and I did until like 10 am and then I had a hard time gettin myself out of bed and doing normal routine things. I barely ate any food today, I had no breakfast and half of a regular sized burger today for lunch. I know I should eat but when I get like this I just don’t want to. My dad isn’t here to stop me from not eating, because he’s out of the state right now. I just think my dreams are better than what is reality.
  11. I’m alone right now my dad is gone off to another state for work and I don’t have anyone to talk to about what I’m feeling. I went to counselor last week. Also I got my medications changed because they weren’t working and I was more depressed than usual, but I’m taking my new amount and I feel like they aren’t working still. My Psychiatrist said if the medication continues not to work they are going to have to send me to a partial program which I have been to before when I was 15 years old. But the only problem is I don’t have a ride to it if that happens. My dad is out of town most of the time and I have no one to help me. I want to get help so I’m not so depressed all the time, I mean it’s not going to go away I will have my bad days but I want them to be a little more bearable.
  12. @JessiesMom I can’t really talk to anyone of my family about it because it will just go back to my stepmom and that will make her even more mad. So at this point only a counselor will work. Which I have my first appointment tomorrow. But the problem with distance is I’m expected to text her sometimes or it might seem like I’m ignoring her which mostly I rather not text her if I don’t have to it’s not like I have much to talk to her about anyways. So at this point I can’t really avoid her I mean when I’m staying with my dad I can. Right now I can’t text her because she’s mad at me currently because I told my dad that she was assuming things when what happened wasn’t true. Also other situations that happened when she came down for my dads ceremony for the military. Sometimes we go up to visit her and my siblings in Pennsylvania so I can’t avoid that either. until I move out and get my own place I’m expected to keep contact with my family as much as possible which includes my stepmom.
  13. @JessiesMom I tried telling her many times but she says the same thing that she isn’t going to leave. I believe her but at the same time I don’t just think it’s helping. It’s not just her leaving that makes me not want to get close to her, the other side of my mind paints her as a bad guy. Everytime I get in trouble for something I either blame her for it and get angry. I don’t think I will ever have a normal realtionship with her because it’s just endless cycle of me doing the same thing and I can’t get my mind out of the hatred. It’s takes over sometimes and makes me say things and almost make rash decisions. The other month I almost walked out the door and left my family behind because I didn’t want to be near her. I was so angry and upset. I almost ruined everything and everytime we go to visit her in Pennsylvania because I don’t currently live with her I live with my dad. Stuff happens and I get angry. I feel like I’m more comfortable with my dad. I don’t like visiting her because I don’t like getting in trouble and her getting mad at me for days upon days. I feel like I have to walk carefully around her too she does have some anger problems. I feel afraid of her at times, because of her anger and I feel awkward when I spend time with her.
  14. I feel so gulity and depressed now, all the things I did for the past 6 years of my life has been an endless cycle of nothing. I’m 18 years old and I haven’t changed at all since I was younger. When my stepmom entered my life I fought tooth and nail to not get close to her from the fear of her leaving like my old stepmother did and my biological mother. Over the years I acted out and didn’t really follow the rules that well and I got in trouble a lot mostly my stepmom got on to me for the things I did. In my head I hated her I don’t know why I just did and then I would go from that to wanting her forgviness and every time I did ask for it it became meanliness over time. It meant nothing. It’s just an endless cycle with me. Even if I try to start over it won’t help the other side of my mind that dosent like her. It’s like I have a switch for my personality when I’m around her, when everything is okay we are having fun I’m fine then something bad happens I suddenly hate her with everything. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t think this will ever change not after everything that has happened and right now she’s currently mad at me for some critizing her for things she been getting onto me about that I think are stupid. This is one of the reasons why I want to move out so bad, I just don’t want to be near her anymore. I just ruin our realtionship everytime and then apologize and it goes back to the same stuff again. I feel like I wasted part of my childhood with making myself so unhappy because of her. I feel like there no point to even having a realtionship with her anymore.
  15. I miss my boyfriend Right now, I’m just feeling depressed not seeing him. I’ve been away from him for 6 weeks without any contact but letters because he’s in basic training for army and can’t make phone calls except every once in awhile but that goes to his family. I still have 3 weeks until he graduates but I just found out recently my dad can’t take me to his graduation so now I feel bad because I told him I could go, and now he’s going to be disappointed but then I said something to his mom and She said she figure something out and now I’m running out of time and I asked her again if she found out anything but she looked at my text and didn’t respond. I’ve had problems with his mom before not outright but with her messing with me my boyfriend Realtionship so I feel like she’s just pulling me along on a false hope just for her own entertainement or just because. His parents are overprotective and won’t let him make his own decisions especially with the phone calls at basic they said I couldn’t get any calls from him they could only get the calls. My dad said if I was in the army he would tell me to call him once and then call my boyfriend. I just want to like his mom but she causes problems and that’s all she did in our realtionship while I was in high school with him before I graduated in may. I love being with my boyfriend with all my heart but I don’t know how to deal with his parents because my boyfriend is always listening to his parents and he said he has to listen to them no matter what. I’m like he’s an adult once he’s out he shouldn’t have to listen to their ever demand because I’m his girlfriend I mean shouldn’t I Be a priority too? I know he dosent mean to make me feel that way And he dosent want to get inTrouble but I’m afarid if we continue the realtionship something will happen where he picks his parents over me all the time like in high school. But I’m just holding onto the hope that he won’t all the time I get he does have some priority to them but not all the time. his parents took his phone away because he couldn’t pay for it and he didn’t have a job so his mom let him use her phone but his parents go annoyed when he would talk to me all the time but when their the ones who took his phone away for no reason. That made things even harder to talk and also she also be always changing plans at the last minute when it came to me and my boyfriends plans to hang out.
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