JessiesMom

CSI:NY and The Last Ship I watched the first season of Downton Abbey - but it was a little trippy for me since my Great-Grandfather on my father's side worked as a boot boy in just such a house and my Great-Grandfather on my father's side was the son of a butler and a housekeeper and almost went into service for the Hapsburgs.

Honestly I have always seen the moniker of "high maintenance" to be the same as saying - I am just not willing to take the time to meet your needs.

BTW - I love the title of this thread - and I immediatly thought of the Umberto Eco book. I think that I read it a long time ago - but I may just have tried to read it and never managed to make it all the way through. The only thing that I can remember about it is that I think the monestry it is set in is loosely based on the monestry at Melk, Austria - where I went to school for a year.

I cannot disagree with you regarding the nature of mental illness and I have often wondered if we are medicating the genius out of our generation's Mozarts and Bethoveens. Mental illness can be so many things. Sometimes it is an imbalance of neurotransmitters. Sometimes it is a result of upbringing and situation. Sometimes it is tempermental. Sometimes it is environmental. Sometimes it is a reaction to living in a society that places demands on us that are not in concert with out inner nature or developmental stage. Often (perhaps always) it is some combination of all of these things. There is a school of thought out there that says that part of recovery from mental illness is getting in touch with your "authentic self." I call bullshit. the person that I am today is a result of my genetic make-up and the circumstances of my life. I will never be anyone other than me - and I can be ok with that - or I can try to change some of the reasons I am not ok with that. I tend to use disease language for mental illness not because I think that a pill is the answer - but rather as a reaction to the inner voice in too many of us and the external voice of society that tells us that if we would just smile more or change out attitude or get more sleep or get a job or pray more or.......insert any other platitude....... our mental illness would not bother us any more. Again, I call bullshit. If it were that easy, do they think that any of us who spend time in this community would still be suffering? I am sorry that you have not found any relief from your suffering.

The things you are saying definetly resonate with me. my default position has always been that it must be my fault. I have to fight againist that impulse everyday. One of the things that my mother would do that still drives me nuts is to say something really hurtful and then say, "you know, this comes from a place of love. Bullshit. It took me years to come to terms with the fact that my mother is a narcissist, but that is where I have landed. Being a child of a narcissist (or sociapathic) parent is very damaging and I am sorry that you have had to endure it.

I started taking zoloft 10 years ago after my daughter was born, due to issues with post-partum depression. I experienced no problems (well, some sleep issues - but that may have been due to having a new baby) and significant relief of my symptoms. I was even able to take it while I was nursing, which was a big plus for me. I took it back then for about two or three years and essentailly tapered myself off it with no issues. I started taking it again about a year ago and experienced no problems and, again, significant relief from my symptoms. Both my father and my sister have been taking zoloft for years with no issues. The amount of zoloft you are on is quite a small dose and I would guess that most of your issues stem from your body trying to get back into balance after all of the medications being stopped. I think that you should think long and hard about the advice you are getting from family and friends regarding use of anti-depressant medication. The reality is that, if you have never had mental health issues, it is easy to minimize the impact they have on your life. Depression is not just feeling sad. It is not something that can generally be cured with an attitude adjustment. Medical science has provided us with many treatments that can improve our quality of life - so we do not have to suffer like we did decades ago. If you had high blood pressure, would they recommend that you go off your medication? Depression is a disease just like high blood pressure. Remember that it takes some time for these medications to get into your system and the same amount of time for them to get out of your system. Making so many changes in such a short amount of time had likely messed up your neurotransmitter levels quite a bit. And all of these drugs have slightly different mechanisms for how they work in the body. Part of recovery is figuring out what it at the root of your feelings. For example, quite a few of my self-esteem issues can be traced back to how my mother parented and being bullied in childhood. Figuring this out has helped me to recognize my triggers and not over react when someone trips one of them unintentionally. I have also learned that my mother's behavior is not ok - and my feeling crappy because of how she treats me is ok. It does not mean that there is something wrong with me. Part of this came from therapy, but a great deal of it came from conversing with trusted friends and family members who can validate my feelings. I used to call my husband up once in a while for a "perspective check" to make sure that my reactions were coming from a place of truth. Hang in there.

I have a friend like that too. What has helped me over the years is to remember that when he goes silent or seems grumpier than usual - it is never because of something have done.

That does not sound minor to me - but, yes, I have experienced this. Often, for me, it is because something someone had done or said has triggered some vast trove of negative emotion that is somewhere inside me. For example, someone might point out a mistake that I made, which triggers my feelings of not being good enough. I can understand the shame of feeling that you are losing it over nothing, but please do not minimize your feelings. What it sounds like to me is that you are feeling like you should not be upset about something that was upsetting to you. If your mother wanted you to do a particular task, it is her responsibility to tell you that. In my opinion, you are a child and should be expected to act like a child and have the responsibilities of a child. If she ask you to do something specific and you do not follow through - that is another matter entirely. But you cannot read her mind. My boys were up at the cabin with my mother a few years back and were asked to gather some kindling for the fire. The gathered some wood, but she indicated that she had expected them to gather smaller wood. They indicated that they thought that she (or they) could use the hatchet on the back porch to break the larger pieces into smaller pieces. She dumped the wood out and said that they had to start over and would not receive their lunch until they had completed the task to her satisfaction. At this point, my elder son had had enough and indicated to her that he was on vacation at the cabin and was not there to be her slave. I call this the Helmer Boys rebellion. I was proud of them for standing up for themselves - even though it sometimes makes my life more difficult when they do it to me. I believe that it is the responsibility of parents to make sure that their children have enough to eat. Basic necessities are not something that a child should have to earn.

So, this line of thought has set me to wondering about the differences between shame and guilt - and also the connections between the two. A friend of mine opined that guilt originates internally, but shame originates externally. For example, he indicated that he could shame me for taking a nap yesterday and that I might feel guilt because of it. I am not certain that he is correct. I think that guilt is feeling badly for something that you have done (or failed to do) and shame is feeling badly about something that you are (or aren't). For example, I can feel guilty that I took a nap yesterday and that feeling of guilt can cause me to feel shame about the fact that I am lazy. The problem with this pattern of thinking is that it ties action or inaction to something intrinsic about your - and that is often the case. I might take a nap because I did not sleep well the night before. Or perhaps I have a headache that a nap will help chase away. Taking a nap might mean that I am lazy, but it could also mean that I am tired, or that my depression is getting the best of me. Thoughts?

It is amazing to me how difficult this is to talk about or explain. Somehow I feel like if I am honest (even with those close to me) about these things, I am terrified that the response would be something like, "Wow, you're right. You are disgusting." It is generally body shame - although I am generally happy with my body - there is some underlying shame associated with the natural working of my body. I was bullied quite a bit in late elementary school and I think that there is some deep seeded shame of being noticed - which ties back into my uncomfortableness with complements. I distinctly remember my mother telling me once that a dress that I liked did not suit, because the color emphasised my acne. My mother never really talked to me about the "facts of life," and so when my first menses arrived - it was a bit of a shock. She also commented on a shirt that I was wearing at one of my kid's birthday parties. It was Sunday and she asked me, "Did you wear that to church or did you not go to church today?" There is, of course, not a good way to answer that question. I responded that I had not gone to church that day, but that I did sometimes wear that shirt to church. She said that I should think about whether I was calling men into sin because of what I was wearing. From that day forward, that purple shirt that I love has become me "calling men into sin" shirt. In general, I feel that I always for a message that there was something unacceptable about me - and, unfortunatly, I integrated that message into my thinking.

So, my depression seems to be more or less under control at the moment, but I discovered something that I had never really realized - at the core of me that I never even acknowledge is a pool of shame and self-loathing. My son accidently let it loose with a comment that he did not mean to be hurtful - but it set me realing. I don't know what to do with tje knowledge that I cannot find a way to love myself and I think that I am disgusting. Ugh

I think there is a middle ground. We should accept that we have a disease called depression, but fight to not let that disease win.

I have learned that the way to stop goals from being unrealistic expectations is to break them down into smaller sub-goals. This allows me to have a "stretch goal" that might not be achievable, while still feeling a sense of accomplishment for what I did get done. For example: My overarching goal is to get the books for April closed and ready for review today. (this may not be achievable due to forces outside of my control like co-workers and slow mail). My sub goals are to get the checking accounts reconciled, do the journal enteries I can get done without the missing credit card statements, do the balance sheet reconciliations I can get done without the missing credit card statements and get the wage allocation entry all prepped for when the darn credit card statement finally turns up. My overarching goal tells me where I want to end up eventauly - and my sub-goals give me the sense of accomplishment. (my job is terrible exciting, I know ;-p) The thing that I have to stay away from is anything that demands perfection of me - I have decided perfectionistic tendencies and if I set a goal that demands perfection of me, I almost always end up feeling like a failure. Don't know if this helps, but it has helped me to feel a bit more in control of the chaos here at work. 😉

Listening to my sons argue about if a sword in Skyrim is good or aweful.

Trust yourself. Do not allow your father's lack of understanding to make you doubt your own experience. If it helps, just the thought of your isolation and lack of freedom is enough to make me feel depressed. You ae at an age where you need to start forming your identity, seperate from your family. You also need to figure out your own passions and tastes. Your current situation make that very difficult. Hang in there - you will not be 15 forever.