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About JessiesMom

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  • Birthday 11/09/1974

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    how things fit together - or don't

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  1. JessiesMom

    Zoloft irritability. Am I Bipolar 2

    It is not uncommon for bipolar disorder to be "diagnised" when an anti-depressant is perscribed. My father got his fitst anti-depressant - and went completly manic for the first time in his life. What you are describing is definetly concerning - but I would not jump to a diagnisos. Clearly, Zoloft was not a good fit for you. It would probably a good idea to get with your doctor - let him/her know what you experienced and go from there.
  2. JessiesMom

    Nothing is working

    Hmmm, what about an online message board of some sort in the area. My neighborhood has a Yahoo group (yes, I know - that is so last decade) where people can connect. Is there anything at all close by? Even some meaningless interaction, like with the clerk at the corner store - or the guy who works at subway has the potential to help. A friend of mine and I go to the same Subway every Thursday night - and then the same coffee shop. It is getting to where we know the cashiers and bariestas - and they know us. If you are not totally anti-church - you could check out a church near you. Even if you are not interested in the church part - they may have some small groups you could join. You never know where you will find that person you connect with.
  3. JessiesMom

    Empty when alone

    I have the same problem. It seems as though I do not know what to do, or how to act - or even who I really am - unless I am reflected in someone else. I always think that I want to have some time alone - because my husband, kids, co-workers always seem to need something from me. But away from that - I stagnate. I think that, for me, it comes from growing up in a family where the only thing that mattered was keeping my mother happy and doing whatever it was that she wanted done. If she thought it was unhealthy - we did not have it in the house. She does not like television - there is a lock on the cord of the TV so you cannot turn it on. And on and on. It got so I did not know what I really wanted - except it was whatever she thought was bad. I was so determined not to be her - that I never really learned who I was - until I got much older. I think that your parents are wrong - even if friends only fill the void for so long - they are worth having - because every friendship changes us and adds to the complexity that we are. I have people that I have never met - that I have only played a game with and talked to over the computer - who have helped me to realize things about myself that I never knew before. Yes - everything in this world eventually ends - jobs are lost - friends grow apart - children grow up - but to give that as a reason not to get a job - make friends - have children is asinine. You might as well say that there is no point in living - because we all die eventually. That is not the point. The point is to live and have all the experiences we can while we are here. I recently heard a quote from the TV show Angel that really made sense to me - the kernel is this - "If there's no glorious end to all this, if nothing we do matters - then all that matters is what we do." I take this to mean that - all we are here to do is to be in relationship with each other - and how we treat each other is all that really matters in this world. So why not care and entwine ourselves with others - it can help us to learn so much about who we are - and help the emptiness of aloneness to abate for a time.
  4. JessiesMom

    Who to see?

    My Dad (and my sister, and my brother) see a psychiatrist once a year or so for a med check (and liver testing due to depokote) - they have a clinic as their family doctor. It is a way to go - but it really does not provide therapy. They have to see a psychotherapist for that. God - our medical system is really complicated.
  5. JessiesMom

    new and Feeling hopeless

    I would say that you are doing something - you are seeking therapy - you are reaching out here. Even though you are not seeing any change from your therapy now - keep with it. The trouble with depression (and mental illness in general) is that there is often both a physical cause and a more deep seeded cause. A pill can often help - but unless the underlying "stuff" is faced - a pill can only get you so far. Know that there are people out here who care.
  6. Cassis - I consider myself to be a recovering catholic - so I understand a lot of what you are describing. I think that being "other focused" is an important part of christianity, but it has taken me a long time to learn that doing what it right for you is not selfish. The God that I believe in made you in the fashion that he made you, and he does not want you to suffer. Yes, the Catholic church says that it has the fullest version of truth know on earth - but the church is an institution of man - and therefore has a vested interest in keeping you coming to them for salvation. It is so difficult to separate what comes from man with what comes from God. What does your heart tell you? Does it tell you that God cares more about where you spend your Sunday morning than how you treat your fellow man? It sounds to me like you are in something of an abusive relationship with the Catholic church. Maybe it is time to check out another flavor of Christianity, or even something completly different. God is all around us - and I believe that there are many ways to the truth.
  7. JessiesMom


    Dear sonall - I am so sorry for the situation you are in. We all make mistakes in our lives, and sometimes it is just as important to learn how to forgive ourselves as to seek the forgiveness of others. I am concerned about some of the things you have describes your husband to have done. It is totally understandable that he is hurt, and he may not be able to forgive you. But the bugging of your home for a long peroid of time, the bringing of his family into the situation and the lack of willingness to communicate with you speak of vindictiveness to me. It seems as though his behavior speaks to a deeper desire for control, and I wonder if it manifested itself in other ways in your relationship. Perhaps the affair is not the cause of the marital difficulties, but the symptom of an already disintigrating relationship. I would strongly urge you to seek therapy - so that you can perhaps learn to better understand what in both you and your relationship with your husband brought you to this crossroads. Remember that God loves you - no matter what.
  8. JessiesMom

    new and Feeling hopeless

    So sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time - you are doing the right thing in reaching out. Hope that you stick around and find some solace here.
  9. JessiesMom

    Does hiding emotion harm us?

    I think that you are right. We are there. I am a naturally emotional person - and when the emotion comes over me - it is quite difficult to hide. It either comes out - or it comes out sideways. By that, I mean - that if I am sad, I either cry - or I eventually get angry. I often feel that people are uncomfortable with my emotions. They either look uncomfortable and move away - or, more often - they just ignore the emotion. I hope that there are more people like you - safe to share emotions with - in this world. Everyone needs someone like that around every once in a while.
  10. JessiesMom

    SO sick of my Job, thankful but sick of it!!!!!

    I have been there. My job, before the one I have now, was with an association management company. Most of the associations we managed were doctors and lawyers. After a while - I got tired of writing $50K checks to resorts so that those doctors and lawyers could go to Arizona, Flordia, Hawaii, Germany and Puerto Rico for their annual meetings. You start to get to think that you are, in no way, making the world a better place. Have you though about getting a new job where you get a chance to help people who need it - like some kind of non-profit that serves under-priviliged kids or families?
  11. I was listening to a podcast as I did my mindless everyday work (I am an accountant - so most of it is mindless) - when I was surprised by hearing an genuine display of an anxious reaction by one of the participants. I then began to muse on my surprise. It occured to me that it is really quite seldom that I see/hear a genuine emotional display. I am not talking about an actor pretending to be sad, or scared, or whatever. Or even the overblown emotional displays that we have gotten used to seeing on "reality" television and from our politicians. But a display of a genuine emotion. Think about it - in your everyday life - how often does it happen? There is a woman at my church, who would often get up to talk about something that she really cared about (usually her work in Guatamala, or with the orphans in the orphanage in Guatamala where we work sometimes) - often she would get choked up - but she would almost immediatly apologize and hide the emotion. I wonder what - in the long term - this shame about our emotions will cause. Will we become increasingly intolerant of uncontrolled emotion displays? Will we get better at hiding what we are feeling, once we get the message that it is unaccaptable? Will we, eventually - come to see even our own emotions as shameful? Or are we there already?
  12. I have experienced similar problems. If I stay home all day - my energy level is quite low and I find myself sleeping/resting a lot. I also tend to crash at around 5 when I get home from work. It could be depression related, but it is possible that some of what you are experiencing is due to your natural bio-rythems. I tend to try to make sure that I have at least one thing "planned" to get me out of the house each day - to avoid slipping into the mire of ennui.
  13. JessiesMom

    Dysfunctional Family, No Really

    JoniJ - That is certainly my intention. I often find myself being honest and clear to a fault with my own children - and I have gone out of my way to teach them to be kind and take the feelings of other people seriously. My son recently reacted quite badly when he was told, in a church group he was helping out with, that if you see someone crying in the corner that you should just leave them be. I am so proud of my kids and how they are turning out. MarkintheDark - Totally - I avoid spending time with that side of the family as much as possible because of the difficult dynamics. The reason that it came up at all was that I was experiencing emotional crap due to have spent time with them this weekend for the furneral of my Great Uncle. It definetly reminded me that I am so glad that they live in another state and I do not have to see them often.
  14. JessiesMom

    First Post

    You are not alone. So glad that you foumd this place - and I hope that you will find the understanding that our world is too often lacking. ((Hugs))
  15. JessiesMom

    Cannot get anything done

    Perhaps - but remember that, when you are feeling worthless, it is not because you are sucking at anything. It is the depression sucking. I know that it is hard, but try to give yourself credit for what you have achieved. You got up the guts to apply to a master's program and you have gotten so far already. Does your campus have any groups that could help you? It sounds like you are feeling like you are the only one who is having trouble, but I would put money on that not being the case.