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About JessiesMom

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  • Birthday 11/09/1974

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    how things fit together - or don't

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  1. JessiesMom

    Who the hell am I?

    Sort of - but I am in a place right now where I am questioning if those are really things that define me - or if they are things that fall under the catagory of "people pleasing." I think that the behavior is so entreanched that I am having difficulty determining which is which.
  2. JessiesMom

    Who the hell am I?

    Somewhere along the line I picked up the idea that people only are interested in me as long as I mirror something back to them. So I try my best to be what people want me to be, but where does that leave me. I worry that there is nothing to me besides an empty shell waiting to be filled. When I was young, it was all about pleasing my parents. Then I got married and tried to be the perfect wife and mother. Now what? Who am I really? Or am I anything at all?
  3. JessiesMom

    I can't stop being mad at my dad.

    I would guess that your dad has spent years making you guess what he is thinking, guess what he wants and training you to unconsciously pick up on his non-verbal cues. But, since he is your Dad, you have the desire for him to approve of you and love you. I was raised my a mother who has her own problems, so I get it. ((Hugs))
  4. JessiesMom

    Deleting social media and mental health?

    I took a two week Facebook break and it made me feel more isolated. I think that it depends on how you use it. I use it to keep up with my family and friends and stay connected to them. Everytime I start to get into the, "everyone is having more fun than me," place I try to remind myself that I am not seeing the whole picture. Afterall, I don't post about my darkest moments.
  5. I have no problem with my faith and understanding of how God works in our world - it just seems that, every once on a while, I get "triggered" (hate that word, but it is the best one I can think of) by something in a sermon, song or comment made. I am stong in my particular sense of christianity having left the church to try to find God in other places and returned as an adult. To be honest, I am less concerned about me than I am about other people who might turn up at my church and the message they might get. I know my pastor pretty well (it's a really small church) and I am comfortable pushing back on him when these issues arrise. Perhaps the real issue is that it is so difficult for people who have never struggled with mental illness to get how things thay may sound reassuring to thelm sound different when they are heard through the filter of depression.
  6. The only thing that I have thought about so far is trying to explain the emotional impact of their platitudes and my world view, which is essentially that it is not helpful or healthy for me to believe that, somehow, if I just believe hard enough or in the right way, God will take away all my pain and despair. The reason for the last is that I feel as though the message there is that the reason I still have my pain is my own fault. I still hurt, because my belief is not strong enough. Imo, that is bulls***.
  7. I came across this today and it reminded me how I have sometimes felt when I encounter certain type of Christian believers. I am a Christian and I have been struggling with how to talk to non-depressed pastors and laity about how the things they say can negitivly effect the mentally ill in their communities. I do not have an answer yet, but if anyone has any ideas - I would appreciate it.
  8. JessiesMom

    Is my sister gaslighting me?

    This makes total sense to be - the reason you do not recognize the narcissistic tendencies in people you befriend, s that they do not seem abnormal to you. It took me a long time to realize that I had suffered from narcissistic abuse and that some of the people I chose to spend my time on were not good for me - because their behavior was the same as the behavior of my mother. I had come to see her behavior as not only normal - but loving. This is not normal behavior - and it does smack of gaslighting to me. She is telling you that you are lying about ow you are feeling - that is just asinine. She is telling you that your feeling are wrong. How can feelings be lies - how can they be wrong? You feel what you feel...period. Your assumption that you did something wrong to cause her to act the way she did and your questioning of your own worth based on those comments is concerning. You are not the problem here.
  9. It is absolutly ok to be happy sometimes - the difficulty with a place like this is that, when you are in those happy moments - you do not need this place as much. At least, that has been my experience.
  10. JessiesMom

    What's an extrovert to do

    I work full time as an accountant - but my job is primarily solitary and is a major emergy drain due to interpersonal issues and understaffing. I go home, cook dinner for my family, play some computer games and then try to sleep. I have a bible study group that helps some, but my hubby does not like it when I am out of the house too many evenings.
  11. JessiesMom

    What's an extrovert to do

    I have realized over the past few weeks, that my mood is much better the day or two after I have a high human contact day. The problem is I often need to make myself go out and find that human contact. My husband and my 17 year old are quite introverted, so converstion with them is like pulling teeth. So the vicious circle goes like this: I am depressed - I need some interaction - Depression makes me tired, weepy and sensitive so I avoid interaction to avoid being hurt - I get more depressed. Sigh.
  12. I wrote this a while back - and it strayed into my mind today. Anyway - I thought that I would share it in the hopes that someone can get some solace from it. I live my life upon a raft Built of routines and false certainties That somehow If I just am good enough and fast enough I will be able to keep everything together. I will be able to keep things from falling apart. My raft floats on a dark and foreboding sea Into which I dare not even look. There lie the monsters of despair And the beasts of memories best left unremembered. I know that, for some, there is a better way to live. A way, free from the demons that stalk me. But I cannot see the shore. I cannot see the shore. The storms of my life sometimes rock the raft And I am flung into the sea From which I fear never escaping And being drug ever downward into the black. Then I struggle And climb, dripping with the murky water Back onto the remnants of my raft. And I begin the task of building it anew.
  13. JessiesMom

    How Do You Learn to Love & Accept Yourself?

    For me, it help to seperate myself from the feelings of self hatred. This has not been easy to do - and I still have frequent moments when I am at war with myself and the feelings of self loathing take over. I have spent a lot of time over the past few years looking at the things that I tell myself critically - and trying to figure out where they come from. I tell myself that I am a terrible wife and mother because the house is rather messy - that comes from my mother's obsessive compulsive cleaning and the message that I got from her that unless it is always spic and span it is not clean enough. My perfectionistic tendencies come from the fact that I never thought that I was good enough - and some of it is natural tendancy that I have to fight. The point is - that learning to know myself better has helped me to seperate the things that my depression is telling me from who I am. I think that mantras can be helpful - but to me they always feel a little Stuart Smally - what help me is, when the feeling of self hatred sweep over me - I remind myself that they are not me - that I am seeing myself though the lens of depression and my past - and I try to move on. It is not easy - and some days is feels like I am constantly at war with myself - but somedays it is better. You are worth it. You are good enough. Trust me - I know.
  14. Welcome - I hope you can find some respite from the world outside here.
  15. JessiesMom

    With depression and axiety

    It depends on how severe your depression and anxiety are - I think of meds as a way to put symptoms into abayance - so that issues can be worked through - but this is not true for all people. And there may be issues that can never be healed from - meds can make them easier to live with. I know two people who suffer from bi-polar disorder. One has been able to wean himself off his medication and is living farily well. He does not have a regular job and is able to adjust his life to the rythems of his disorder. The other went off his medication and went off the deep end. It is tricky - and you will never know what the result will be until it is too late. This is probably a conversation best had with your prescribing doctor and a therapist. However, it is not a good idea to just go cold turkey no matter what.