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Everything posted by StoicLady

  1. So I really can't believe that I and posting this. But life Marches On whether we are depressed or not. And so it has with me. On Friday I signed up for a penpal site because I thought it would be a nice way to meet some nice people and have some social interaction while having boundaries etcetera etcetera Etc. Well so I can't quite believe this but I actually did meet someone really nice. He is single which was one of my number one criteria. We share similar interests Etc and naturally we are in different countries because it's pen pals! Well it all started with a few lines which turned into Furious texting all weekend via email. And when I say Fast and Furious I'm not kidding. I mean this was over 400 emails exchanged in a 24-hour period. Obviously they weren't very long. They were each a few lines as in an ongoing conversation. Well he made it pretty clear that he would like to take the next step and go to phone but that is phone was not set up for international calls and that he would work that out this week. All fun and good I'm not upset about that. What in fact I'm not upset at all. I am just confused about something and I need your advice. His entire story checks out. Every last bit of what he tells me Can be verified. The guy is telling the truth. He is single he is nice, and he's quite accomplished. He also happens to be rather self-deprecating, and there are a few other indicators that he probably deals with depression as we all do. But he did not actually state that. It's a little early in the game right? So anyway, I'm saying all this because I want you to know that I did all my due diligence. This is no scam or phony profile. This guy's for real. At least as far as what he has told me of himself. So we talked about how we clicked, and seem to get along so well, which in itself doesn't mean very much to me because it's online, it's new, all that. That could all change in the blink of an eye and we all know that. Okay sorry I keep getting distracted. Here's my question. With all the dating advice out there it is all very confusing to me especially when it comes to the male side of the equation. I am a woman who has not dated anyone seriously since 2005. So I feel a little out of touch with all of this. Today is Monday and I received a note from him stating that he was just really tired today, had a hard day at work, kids are acting up at home. Prior to that I had sent him a bit of a flirty email that I really didn't think he would see until after work. It was his personal email address after all. But he checked his email and he wrote back a bit of a flirty email. The point is I probably overstepped a boundary here with the work schedule Etc. So I responded to his short note and said that I was sorry for having overstepped the boundary, do forgive me comma Etc. So now what? Am I supposed to wait a specified amount of time, or just move forward and forget about it? I should mention that he lives in the UK and I live here in the states,. We are both in midlife. We are not children or in our 20s. We have both been married before divorced, lived Our Lives prior to this. What I'm trying to express is that neither of us is a completely insecure or inexperienced person but at the same time I think we both feel a little confused about the so-called rules for online dating or whatever this is. I don't mind saying that I really really really like this guy. And he has said as much to me about me. Can someone please elucidate for me what the so-called rules about all this are? I mean the etiquette I suppose. Maybe I don't know what I mean. Maybe you know what I mean. LOL thanks in advance!
  2. hello my friend. I do not wish to ask questions that you are not comfortable answering. So I will say things a different way. If you are outside your home country, I encourage you to find friends and help from people who share your backgrounds for now. The reason I say this is because when we are isolated or feeling far from home and such things everything becomes magnified. Reconnecting with our Roots is very important. It helps us to know who we are and why we are struggling. If you are still in your country, then I encourage you 2 examine not only your long-term treatment plan but your meditation practice as well. The reason I say this is because it is not uncommon for people to have your symptoms if they have been meditating too much and Kundalini has been activated accidentally. In India, they have found treatment plans for what is called Kundalini syndrome which is what you seem to be describing. It is very important that you seek professional help from someone who will understand and honor your culture. Not everybody in the West can do that unfortunately. I am not Indian but I mentioned Kundalini syndrome in a conversation here in the West and people looked at me like I have 6 heads. LOL. They did not know what it was and when I explained it to them they thought I was making it up. I am not a professional and of course it is not my place to diagnose you with anything. I am simply suggesting that your first and second post describes symptoms that are similar to this. Also I believe that in my own case, interrupting the pattern, the cycle, has been very important for my healing. I am probably much older than you so when I started looking back in my life it was a very long way! And what I saw Were Cycles of behaviors that were often caused from trauma of some kind. My current situation is also the results of some trauma. I was able to identify the trauma, give it a name, and then determine some other course of action, something different then what I had ever done before. Whenever I had those similar thoughts like I should have done this or I should not have done that, the kinds of thoughts that are so destructive to the soul and the mind, I tried to remember what I had done before in earlier times and then do something different. So instead of staying home and crying my eyes out, I forced myself to go out and meet people. New people that I had not known before. This helped me a great deal to learn that I was not alone, that I was not isolated, that I was not a prisoner of my own situation.. these people did not know of course of my symptoms and my struggles, but they're kindness toward me help to heal me and helped me to be kinder to myself. I am not perfect no one is. All of us Struggle just with different things. Sometimes you meet somebody who has the same struggles as you! This is a rare gift from God. Then we can open up to them and share our thoughts and they can help us from a very real and personal perspective. So, while I think mindfulness and meditation are good things, in rare cases they can be very harmful. Please share this with your doctor. I am glad you said the medication is helping. That's what it is supposed to do! The other thing that has helped me a lot is to help other people in some way. Sometimes very simple like helping a neighbor carry her bags to her door or giving food to a hungry person. Lives must be meaningful in order to be lived well. Kindest wishes to you, StoicLady
  3. Great topic...legends from various cultures around the world state more or less, that to know someone's name is to have power over them or their soul to be more accurate. The last 25 years of my life have been painful to say the least. And my name is of course associated with that pain. So it makes sense to me that you would ask this question because one's name could easily become synonymous with pain. At least it has in my case. So to answer your question I recently already started referring to myself privately, i e in journal entries, or when talking to myself in private, as Lily. I love that name. P. S. Nicodemus is a very cool name!
  4. Just told to take it a night. If you do this does it mess with your sleep?
  5. Thank you so much...i appreciate it. I used to collect editions of that story. I still love it. Theres just so much toxicity in the world and its hard to keep it out. Ugh. Trying to renew old relationships and forge new ones. Good ones with foundations of strnghth and hope. Hope right now is friends and a counseling appt on monday. Thank you again for the hope.
  6. Trying not slide back into pit of guilt. So many mistakes i have made. So much crap i put ppl thru. On the other side, so much i have been through myself. So much i have experienced, so much garbage from ppl i trusted. I feel torn in two. Half of me is trying so hard to just be good and do good. The other half wants to cry until i die. Step 1...breathe until God tells me to stop.
  7. Todayseems ok. Not great. But ok. Very uncomfortable in the office with little to do and layoff coming on monday. Working on resumes to keep my mind off it. Sending out resumes to every job i am remotely qualified for. I feel as though i have been head messed for the last few years. Creeps me out. Trying tovfocus on building a good life and avoiding negative, hurtful people. Wish i could make some deep friendships that will truly last.
  8. Hi...yes, it is different for everyone. It can be really scary, especially when it is happening outside of home, doctors office etc...i.e. a place where help is not avail at the moment or you dont feel in control of the environment etc...just have to breathe until it passes. Tai chi and walking helps me but everyone is different and needs different things.
  9. Scared, terrified out of my mind. Having a panic attack in a room full of people. But no one knows because i am quiet, and smile and nod. In between work orders, i am sending out resumes on indeed. I have 1 week to find a job. Lay off...ugh. took my medicine and keep flashing back to convo with oldest friend who it appears may be insensitive, etc. I have to keep telling myself its not about me...drowning quietly.
  10. This is fantastic news!!! I am really happy for you. Keep doing what you are doing and know you are not alone. I know those panic attacks well. I have them and cant stop them. Its horrible. I dont take anything for them anymore and most of the time i feel like i am dying. The worst was when my dad died before we could renew relationship. I totally get it. I am so happy you are still at work and doing great.
  11. I must be getting better at discerning stuff because tonight i came here to find just this topic. I have a very successful friend and everytime i talk to her i end up with panic and anxiety attacks. I dont think she intends harm but she causes damage to me nonetheless. I love her dearly and want to keep tge friendship. But her tone of voice, back handed comments, and other things leave me feeling horrible. I am in counseling and will talk to my counselor about it. Tonight it was a recap of how successful and happy she is. Which is truly wonderful. But she also knows I was laid off this week and in desperate need of a job. Nonetheless her summation was, " we rise to the level of our competence." I am hurt by her dismissal of me as a human being and as a professional. In the past she has referred to me as "just a worker bee." I have tried to talk to her about it in the past and have been told she didnt mean it, etc. Maybe she didnt. But ya know what??? Maybe she did and does. Looking back this has been happening for a long time. I am hurt. I am not a jealous or envious person. She is very different from me...she is a financial executive for the state. I am trying to finish a degree in education so I can teach. I write and do lots of creative things. I just self published a book of poetry. But when i talk to her i am usually hurt. I find this horrible and hurtful. So i came here to be with you and seek some comfort, maybe some validation, i dont know. But yes, it feels better knowing i am not alone. Thank you for being here. Ps. We are both in our 50s. You guys have plenty of time for your dreams believe me. I know you are feeling bad but here i am much older than you and struggling also. Please be encouraged that you are young, not alone, and have many blessings to count even when it hurts. I am here for you too. ❤
  12. Thank you so much. The site wouldnt let me like your post. Thank you ALL in fact. Im grateful to be here.
  13. I get it. No longer taking it, but i know the feeling. I could probably use one today. I get it.
  14. A little relieved after reading some of these posts. It's proof i'm not alone. I ate something and feel little better. Earlier I was almost jumping out of skin from the anxiety. Being alone, and feeling isolated is constant and so that's not new. But feeling rejected, that's another story that constantly plagues me.
  15. This is my first post, and I'm typing blindly through tears, because all of you sound like the thoughts in my own head. I'm a mess. I'm in counseling now,a nd very grateful for it. I hate July 4 because the noise bothers me (i mean, it really, really affects me) and it reminds of happy times, which I rarely have anymore. My relationship with all family is strained to almost non-existent. My father died in Jan. and I was notified by a letter from my mom. My daughter is grown and no longer keeps in touch. Friends of many years have been distant and I am trying to develop new ones. To top everything off, a job that I had really high hopes for laid me off on MOnday. I have to find another job within 2 weeks or I am in deep. I do have an interview lined up. Yes, it's one day at a time. It's also one blow at a time. I came here, to sign up for the long haul - maybe I can make a new friend. I'm trying to find things to be grateful for and it's just really hard knowing that I am alone right now at a time when family and friends normally gather. I'm depressed, anxious, and trying to hold it together. In short, I relate to all of you.
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