Okay so this is my first post...
I'm not sure where to go. My boyfriend has become depressed recently. I'm not sure when it exactly it started for him, he hid it from me for a little while, hoping it would get better. We moved out together in April. We had been hoping to do that for over a year. All was well for a few weeks, but then he suddenly started becoming distant. He didn't come home for a couple nights, he'd never done something like that to me during our whole relationship. We got into a fight about it, I was so angry at him. I still hadn't realized what was really going on with him. For the next few days he was trying to make it better and I blew him off to continue being mad (which I regret so badly now). Then he started intermittently not showing up at night again. Then he came clean about how he'd been feeling. Told me he felt numb, couldn't feel anything for anything. Didnt know what he wanted. I tried helping him, being there for him. Sometimes he'd be home and seem okay, then he'd disappear again. Dispite all this, we still decided to go on a trip we had planned for my birthday. He put on a happy face but I could tell he was being weird the whole time. And he had been texting someone...a lot. The day we got home I looked at his texts on his apple watch while he was at the store. I found him texting a girl from his job. He had been telling her that he wasnt enjoying the trip with me and that he'd rather be at home....and that they should take that same trip sometime. And then I found texts between them describing a sexual encounter between them in detail. He came home then and I immediately asked him if he was cheating on me. He insisted that he and the girl never actually did anything physical and that the texts were only fantasies. He agreed that that still wasnt okay, but that's all it was. That he was being stupid, not thinking clearly. From that point, everything has spiraled downward. He told me he wants to take a break from us since he's unable to feel any emotions for me. He can't be who I want him to be. He says he just wants space and time to do his own thing. He said he doesnt mean for it to be permanent, he just doesnt know what he feels about anything right now. Now he's never home with me. He never comes home at night and he even stopped coming home in the morning before work. He'll show up maybe once a week to play video games but then he'll leave again. He says he's being seeing a couple friends, but other than that he'll just find somewhere alone to be and will sleep in his car. I brought up my anxiety that he's really been seeing the girl from his job, but hes extremely insistent that he's not. And he's had a very obvious lying voice lately and he wasnt using that voice. He seemed genuine. So I've been trying to leave him be. I don't ask him to come home anymore, I dont ask him where hes been. I'm trying to give him the space he wants. But on the occasions that he shows up at home, I end up crying because I miss him so bad. And I beg him to remember the relationship we used to have and to try seeking help for me, for us. And all he'll say is that he can't feel anything and he doesn't know what he wants. Or that he doesnt deserve anything nice. When I tell him I want him, he says I shouldnt. When I tell him I need him, he says i dont. He's convinced that no one really cares about him and no one really needs him in their life and that he's not special to anyone. Even as I'm crying my eyes out telling him how much I care about him and want him around.
This is all completely tearing me apart. I'm falling apart. We have never been in a fight before this. We have always gotten along perfectly. We've always been each other's other halves, always obsessed with each other. I've never felt love for anyone the way I do for him. And I know the him that I know, the one that isnt depressed, loved me to death and never wanted to lose me. He was the most affectionate man I'd ever met. I know that man is still in there. And that if he would seek help, we could find that person again. He could recover. All of this has me feeling lower than I ever have. I haven't felt happy since this started. I feel completely unable to find the joy in anything. It feels like all the color in my life is gone. I'm just going through the motions, getting through each day. I look forward to nothing. I wish I was dead. I think something is wrong with me now. I know everyone would tell me to leave but I never could. I want nothing more than him. Leaving would do nothing for me. And I could never walk away anyway.
So, I know that was long and theres pieces of the story still missing but; is it possible for him to figure himself out without medication? He's so stubborn, I don't think he'll ever decide to get treatment. He just wants to wait it out. Can he emerge from this on his own? Is there hope? I just want the man who still loves me to come back. And I know I can't force him to get help. I just wonder if its actually possible to come out of a depressive episode on your own.