Stand_alone

I think everyone had experienced a time as a kid when a parent was very late or forgot to pick them up. It happens before.

I feel very low today. I feel lonely because I have no friends. I still play pc games, I guess to maintain what online friends I have. I have no one to talk to.

listened to Sean Mendez’s “In My Blood” today.

I have always been stressed but I’m not too sure it is the factor of causing me to gain weight. Looking at lifestyle at 10 yrs there is a huge difference. 10 yrs ago, I was a martial arts instructor, teaching and sweating- 3-4 hrs a day 4-5 days /week at 98-103 pounds. In my 20s. Now, I’m sitting in a call center 4-6 hrs atm. I’m 111 pounds atm in my 30s. Bmi has been considered good. Diet doesn’t change. Going out and exercizing helps a lot to loose weight. I think you want to keep exercizing and it’s faster to gain more weight when you get older.

I did my usual Saturday group class routine. I have no rl friends but I went to the big annual Christmas festival solo and bought christmas pastries. It’s only once a year I get my favorite pasties.

many holidays I feel are over shadowed by mass consumerism. There’s even holidays derived from different cultures that is becoming more known and mainstream to get ppl to buy. Side note, in China, schools kids nowadays are introduced to celebrate Christmas, even though China is really Communist, and the party controls all religion. A holiday like Christmas and Hannukah, should be celebrated as it really is, for spiritual meaning and to be w/ family and friends.

I know that feeling about December too. Every year, the annual usual holiday gathering at a rich relative’s house. Last year, my mom embarrased me in the party forcing me to participate in a white elephant event even after I refused. This year I am staying away from my mom when that game happens. You dont like engaging w/ people when you don’t feeling great. I lie a bit about myself or dont say much about myself. My dad since loosing his business during the Recession doesn't come to the party out of shame. As for Christmas parties in general, You could out of family courtesy, show up to the party for a few hrs of how much you can bare and leave, say you have another party to tend to. What we should remember, it’s up to us of how much we want to spend time. If I could I would arrive alone.

Well I got called back to work since Tuesday. It feels like every day can be my last day. Hrs are shorten to 6hrs. I tried a hiring session after work. Who knows if I get hired. I should be grateful to at least be working. Yet I heard somene who was working here died of OD. It is disheartening but have felt this could be me.

Ignored

I was raised Catholic, but it’s too stiff and I don’t pay attention in church. I don’t go to church.

I hate this upcoming holiday season. I know this is the time of year many folks become depressed. My job just put me and everyone in the department on call which is almost the same thing as unemployed. Right, now I would have to go through the whole job searching ordeal but I feel I don’t know what to look for because I still don’t know in life of what am I. My bachelor’s never amount to anything. Not knowing made me loose motivation and I just froze. I’m 34 yet my family for 3 yrs now don't know how old I really am and I don’t even bother to correct them. I have no real life friends.There are some online friends but I don’t think that counts much. I had an online friend which I thought converted to real friendship but we dont talk to each other anymore and it fell out. I would like to have a friend who I can talk to and be comfortable with. I feel depressingly lonely. I have been having thoughts that since I feel I am an utter failure in life, suicide is better than living in homelessness. I have thought of drug overdose and electrocution as the easiest ways. My family will move apart in time. This could be the last winter I live under a roof. Many homeless ppl I see while working Downtown have worse mental problems I have and ofc they shit on the streets a lot.

That was a question I answered at a short lived insurance job. I quit that because you have to work like a workaholic and make cold calls and visits. The change is ofc way of thinking but it’s also the job. Right now I am of the remaining handful of ppl who have a work schedule in a call center that gives this literal “big brother” environment. There’s cameras and a person watching you make calls. I felt as a “part-time” worker, working 6 days a week, I feel that I’m treated as a low tier employee, and there’s segregation based on worker tier. Entrances and accessibility, even benefits. i should and want to get out, but I do feel, All the jobs I landed are not meaningful, liveable and what I enjoy. Those i like to work for, often fall short. It is a never ending cycle.

I already deleted that friend. Relationship are maintained by a 2 way street dialogue. If one side is not letting the car down the road of communication, then there is no maintaining that friendship. I am hurt too many times. I am looking up and socializing to ppl around me irl and online who are very positive and are glad to be around me. Yet i will still have that sense of negativity. i have always been dealing with anxiety and depression. Part of it the therapist thinks is upbringing. I keep asking myself what will happen to me? Is this all I can do?

It’s been a while since I posted, and I feel what I said and responses are like a broken record. Some of you might be tired reading. I have gone through therapy for the first time to deal with anxiety and depression. I am deemed as mildly of both. Depending my next session I might be seeing a psychiatrist. I feel am at the bottom in life. My lack of confidence for over a decade have prevented me to land a successful job. Apparently, where I work, most ppl in my department are from a program that helps felons to work. No wonder there are cameras in every corner. I am not challenged at work. Homelessness is a constant fear. i am currently in the verge of deleting a friemd off fb and other platforms for not treating me as a friend. She always ignores and trolls. Makes me cry all the time and i expressed my feelings already. I feel if thinks dont get better, My negativity will get worse.

I have been engaged in online friending mainly by gaming. In my 7 yrs, you will friend many, by double or triple digits. People will come and go over the years. Some are too busy, don’t care, gone, or don’t know what to say. After 7 years I have only 3 at best who rly care when I have problems. All are my earliest friends I ever met. They listen and offer advise individually. I think most online friends I encountered are just those who care only for fun and is what they focus on. So if you look at it, out of 100+ ppl you are acquainted as friends there are a handful who are true friends as confidantes. It takes a while to find someone willing care. I suggest if you know someone you are well acquainted with, maybe ask if they are willing to listen about your troubles. Remember, a friend can’t be your sole solution solver, and it’s best to see a therapist. Shewrites. I know what you are going through, and I am still dealing with a friend issue too.