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Dormilona

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  1. My heart goes out to you, Kate. I switched from Sertraline (which seemed to have stopped relieving my depression) to Wellbutrin a little over two weeks ago. The first week or so felt hellish. I was horribly depressed and racked with anxiety. Now both my depression and anxiety have started to diminish, so I'm optimistic that if I continue with Wellbutrin, I'll feel even better in a few more weeks. In the meantime, I joined a meditation group that meets once a week - it has been tremendously helpful, because no matter how depressed and anxious I was feeling, I could count on having a nurturing, peaceful experience every Friday night. xoxo
  2. Hello to all. I'm very grateful to those of you who posted about your experiences with Wellbutrin. I was on sertraline (the generic version of Zoloft) for about 20 years before I switched to Wellbutrin a couple of weeks ago. When I made the switch, I was already depressed because the sertraline no longer seemed to work for me, even after I tripled the dosage at my my doctor's suggestion. Since I stopped sertraline and switched to Wellbutrin, I've been feeling even more depressed and anxious, as well as incredibly tearful - which is new for me. But I guess my depression and anxiety are still relatively mild, because even tho' I feel crummy, I am able to continue going about my business (such as it is) and to meet my commitments. Still, I long to lose the feelings of depression and fear that seem to have lodged themselves in my thoughts and in my gut (my stomach is in knots all the time, now). I tend to blame myself for having these negative feelings, instead of remembering that I am powerless over my emotions.
  3. AphSado - I'm pretty sure your are powerless over your feelings for your cheating partner; they may or may not change, with time and perspective, and I hope they do - but I don't believe we can rationalize our feelings away. I'm sorry you are in such pain. However, as someone who spent years trying to medicate my feelings with alcohol, I was amazed to learn, in sobriety, that alcohol is a depressant. It may make me feel better temporarily (like almost any high), but then I feel worse - as well as desperate to recover the good feeling I had and lost. If you have any kind of a supportive network, it might be helpful to experience your feelings about the betrayal without alcohol. I wish I had gotten sober when my partner died, instead of waiting 7 years to finally face my feelings instead of drowning them in alcohol.
  4. I became completely asexual after the love of my life died, which was a huge reversal. (I used to think that sex was all that gave life meaning.) But I think your friend and your boyfriend sound lovely - so accepting and nonjudgmental. I'm happy you have such people in your life.
  5. Me too. I am grateful that sleep usually comes easily to me. I love to sleep and resent waking up. It's my only sure-fire way to escape from the grief that swamps me constantly (too many of the people I've loved deeply have passed on). Shortly after my beloved partner died, my nights were gloriously full of dreams in which it turned out he wasn't dead after all. Those dreams were the best part of my life. I don't have them any more, but I still love to sleep. Lest I sound too self-pitying, I should add that I am blessed with loving (and still living) family members and friends, but I live with a constant low-level grief that can be triggered by the least little thing into stabbing pains of loss at any moment. I actually think the feelings have always been there - long before my partner died - and (like your PTSD-inducing childhood, which I am so sorry you had to experience, Sophy), I think those feelings may be rooted in preverbal trauma (being separated from both my parents in infancy, when my father died, my mother was institutionalized, and I was hospitalized).
  6. Sophy - I am grateful for your poetic descriptions of our brokenness. And I am grateful to be reminded that I'm not alone in being broken. Because, in spite of being blessed with loving friends and family members, I feel so alone in my brokenness. It's hard for me to imagine that anyone else goes through their days with the weight of depression and anxiety dogging their every step. And I am so good at hiding it, except when I trust someone enough or feel desperate enough to open up. The weird thing is that objectively I know I am not ALWAYS depressed, because I had the good sense, the other day, to write in my journal "I was not depressed today." But now I can't remember what it felt like not to be depressed, and it is hard to believe that only a few days ago I declared that I was not feeling depressed. Probably this is why it would be useful to keep a mood journal. Do other people here do that?
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