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KCDPN

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About KCDPN

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  1. It's fine. The truth isn't pretty. If it hurts it just means you were honest. I can tell it wasn't out of malice. Thanks for understanding.
  2. I'll try a bit more. It's all I can say. Though I still need to apologize to you, I'm sorry for everything. I'm trying to put myself out there and even then it's hard. Sometimes I have nothing to say or can't really hit it off with anyone. But I'm still trying 3 days a week to make something work. I'm just an awkward, imperfect person. I'm trying to be better. But that's all I can do. I don't have room to give up anyway. So I'm gonna keep going.
  3. You aren't being rude. I'm just sorry for acting this way. And for my inactivity. I've been trying to make friends and I joined my college's anime club. I'm trying to patch things up with various others. And I'm breaking from social media since I don't think it's contributed to my mental health at all. I don't know what I want anymore tbh other than to be happy but that's probably too vague at this point. Sorry for acting so dumb and wasting your time man. I'm just doing all I can to be better on my end atm. You and nobody else deserve that.
  4. They do, since none of my talents are worth pursuing. Also me being horrible at math means being a social worker is the only thing I can do. I'm trapped. My life is over before it's even begun. I'm already helping children out thanks to my major and I'll be helping the elderly eventually. I'm not meant for community service though. It's nothing I'm passionate about and I feel that I'd be a horrible help because I'm trying to get help myself. I feel alone.
  5. Thank you. Despite the morbid mood I have I want to say I appreciate all the support I've gotten here.
  6. I'm not remotely interested in what I'm studying in, I'm only doing it because my family doesn't see what I'm actually good at as worthwhile careers and won't financially support me. Since I don't have job experience yet, I just have to give up on my hobbies and suck it up to do a desk job I know I won't like. But I guess that's what being an adult is about right? Hanging up all the 'childish' stuff and doing the 9 to 5 grind like everyone else because it's "mature"? Eh.
  7. I don't really see the point in it. Considering this is the only time I've ever had ANY girl talk to me for more than 5 minutes and actually be interested in me as a person, I dunno, maybe I'm just too abnormal to have girls understand me? It's less harmful to be mad at myself than them, eh. It's kinda pathetic since I'm going to be 21 in a year but I've never had any romantic experience with a girl but I'm good with just folding my cards and accepting that I'm just not a person that's meant to be in a relationship. My family wouldn't be supportive of my depression, the fact that their smothering of me is partially a contributing factor wouldn't help. Everyone just sucks it up and doesn't trust therapists in my family (and I'm willing to wager my ethnic community, at least the elders discourage therapy or other stuff like it). I've been in internet communities to talk to people since I don't have any friends IRL. This girl was the only person I comfortably talked to on both mediums, I trusted her enough to tell her I likely have depression. I'm not diagnosed but considering I've felt this way since childhood in some form or another, it'd be a shock if this wasn't depression. I have other online friends, some better than others when it comes to helping with emotional stuff, but I kinda don't see the point in venting to them anymore. Doesn't make me feel better, doesn't solve my problems, and it just wastes their time since everyone has their own lives. Drawing, writing, video editing. I also do some chiptune music. It's basically just making music in the style of old consoles like the NES or the Genesis, in programs that mimick the sound chips used. Think something like Shovel Knight's music if you're familiar. A lot of the things I like from music (ska, jazz, j-pop) to television (mostly obscure or forgotten cartoons) are stuff people don't know about and thus, don't care about, so I've kind of accepted that nobody will understand it. From classmates to my own family I've had these interests be subject to ridicule over the years, so I keep it all to myself as much as I can.
  8. My current emotional state is sadly something that I've struggled with for years, to the point where I legitimately find it surprising that anyone likes me. In times of complete stress, hopelessness, or frustration, I tend to cut contact with everyone. Literally everyone. Through no fault of their own, for the most part I just simply believe that they'd be better off without me, and that I haven't been a good friend to them to deserve their compassion. The people who choose to stay, I almost feel worse because I feel like they deserve better. I' a broken, impulsive overly emotional freak who only continues to do this stuff. I honestly stoppped getting mad at people abandoning me long ago, I just want to get it over with and cut off already weakened relationships off at the root. Then there are some friendships that I sadly don't think should even be a thing anymore. An ex-crush of mine for 4 years has recently tried supporting me in my battles with mental health, going so far as to reccomend resources because she had been down a similar road herself, but I feel like I shouldn't be talking with her. Maybe it's just feelings of inadequacy, maybe it's still lingering feelings of immature jealousy, maybe it's the fear of being replaced or forgotten since the only real physical friend I've had for almost half a decade has gotten her own group of friends, her own girlfriend, and her art major, and I have none of that. And I feel like it's unhealthy for me to dump all my negativity on her, despite her never really objecting to any of it. I guess it's just my dumb brain's fault for not being able to be happy for others without it reminding me of my own inferiority. I guess I just regret having any sort of feelings for her to begin with, or maybe we shouldn't have been friends if I knew this is how I was going to act. It's my fault for viewing her too highly as my only real friend at the time. It's not even that not being with her specifically is what's making me a bit annoyed anymore, because thanks to my family I know that it would have ended terribly, and we probably wouldn't be able to speak if we actually tried dating. But the fact that I was apparently close to someone having the same feelings to me as I had for them, only to have it just... fade after hearing she was lesbian. It kinda doesn't make me even want to try again. I've been in so many friendships where in spite of still having hurdles in their own lives, everyone's always improves once they find their ideal partner, so even if it is the objectively right opinion, I just find the whole "a s/o won't fix everything, don't rush into it" mentality to be kinda bullshit at this point. That and it apparently instills the idea that I'm just unloveable, I guess. Whatever chance I almost had was a glitch in the Matrix. I don't see why I get told I'm jumping the gun for giving up on anyone loving me, barely anyone understands me on a basic level IRL, why would I expect romance to be any easier? "Things get better!" Maybe for you, but my circumstances are allergic to progress, and a lot of them aren't even in my control. Part of me regrets telling her that I've struggled with stuff like depression in secret for years, including the entire time I knew her, because I don't want anyone to pity me or to view me as an unstable mess who might **** himself. I mean, I've actively thought of it but I've never taken any actions of self harming. I know suicide isn't worth it, and I'm not a danger to myself. Though I don't think I have anything to live for at this rate. I'm a 20 year old social recluse who drowns himself in niche hobbies nobody cares about to try to fill the void in me and accept that nobody will ever understand me and I'll never have a romantic bond with anyone because I simply wasn't meant to. Big whoop. I feel like I don't deserve her support, or any support that I've recieved, and that everyone would be better off without me. Which leads into my current situation of me cutting off contact with all my friends. I had full intentions of leaving the internet entirely when the thoughts of "nobody will ever love me, i'm never going to be taken seriously by anyone, and i'm going to die alone doing a job i hate" started festering in the back of my mind. I end up back flipping between empathetic remorse and bitter cynicism over their concern. I'm sorry you're wasting your energy on me, but I also hate how you expect me to believe that things will improve just because they were able to for you. Yet, some people continue to stay, and actively get worried about me. That worry made me reconsider and only take the rest of the month as a break from everyone, but honestly with people like that I don't know if I can, or even should ever talk to them again. I have nobody else to talk to anyway, but maybe I should just embrace isolation and be completely alone? Prepare for the inevitable?
  9. I've come to and calmed down a bit. I still think I need a month's break from everyone, but I'll try not to make things permanent. Even if I don't talk to anyone I feel social media just isn't doing me favors. I need a month to myself. I don't know if I'll ever not feel so alone to be honest. So, might as well just accept it for a bit and do some self reflection. I just snapped. Maybe it is immature and impulsive but going day after day and still feeling so disposable, worked to death and stressed beyond belief, and not able to talk to anyone, made me just feel like people would be better off without me. I may have permanently killed some friendships but I'll just accept that it was my fault. I just felt like a lot of them had me just be an annoying inconvenience. Especially to Maggie.
  10. This forum is all I have left. I'll stay but I dont think I'll ever truly be happy. At least everyone I used to be friends with will be happy. I was never a person worthy of their attention.
  11. I'm sorry it didnt work. Its entirely my fault. I dont think someone as broken as me can be fixed. The most I can do is get out of everyone's hair.
  12. I've been at my absolute lowest and I don't know how much more I can keep faking it to my family, I'm just through with lying to myself that things will ever improve with me. I feel unlikeable and that everyone would be better off without me, and as such I've just taken steps to cut myself off from every friend I've made online, including the last real IRL friend I have. I haven't been a good friend to anyone and I guess I thought that talking about my issues would make me feel better. It really doesn't. None of my issues are in my control, yet due to my family I'm not able to do anything to really change anything since I'm still seen as a child. Until I'm able to see a therapist, things will continue to be bad for me. So things are always going to be bad for me. I can't talk to anyone at my college or make friends with anyone. I'm not able to go to counseling at my college anymore since I was practically pushed TO see a therapist. And I'm going to be trapped in a dead end job I hate because I'm not good enough at any of my hobbies to do it professionally, and my family wouldn't condone it even if I could pursue it. The few who wanted to keep in contact with me with what was initially a break for the sake of grades either became annoyed or concerned. Some just let me cut them off with no contest which only fuels the idea that everyone will be better off without me. I'm not going to **** myself, ever, but I feel dead inside. I feel rotten for treating everyone this way but I feel like I'm going to end up mistreating everyone anyway. The lack of any friends online makes me realize just how lonely I am, and it's scary. I'm scared. Nobody is really able to understand me. I feel unworthy of people to love and I gave up on ever feeling understood due to me being a disgusting freak. I'm just sorry for everything I've done, because the only logical explanation for life being so crappy for me is that I've done something to deserve it. And I'm sorry @psycholuigiman for dissapearing out of nowhere. This is basically the closest to an explanation. I just want to be alone. It's for the greater good.
  13. KCDPN

    Reconnecting with people?

    Yeah, it's overall a mix of my social freakishness and other people just being too different from me. I was out all day yesterday visiting my brother in Long Island (residential home, he has autism). Seeing a bunch of average social college age teenagers weirded me out. And I'M a teenager. Seeing a bunch of average happy people weirds me out, it's probably because I'm a bitter shell but I don't trust people being overly joyous or anything like that. I envy it sure but it seems really unnatural to be that happy, it's artificial in a way. If I was more independent I would be able to socialize more but I don't really have anywhere to go or people to be around, so I'm just stuck at home. I've been let down by so many people I don't even want to talk to anyone some days because I feel I'll get screwed over by all of them. It's not even easy for me to talk to the few friends I have online. But that's a different mess. I've tried to break out of my bubble but it never works and it doesn't make me feel like I should try again.
  14. I've been trying to reconnect with some people I know since I came to this site. I'm on good terms with my online friends again since I admittedly ran away from them for a bit. I still feel a bit like a third wheel, but I think that just won't change due to how lonely I am at the moment. And, it's not like they're intentionally doing anything to make me feel that way. I guess I just get frustrated when I get that negative because I feel like I'm just getting irrational (even if stuff like the couple flirting is something I CAN be annoyed by). On topic though, I've also been trying to reconnect with people on Facebook. The thing is, I've never had luck with that site. The main reason I never used it is because I feel like anything I post is invisible. I don't have the time, friends, or budget to have amazing lives like everyone else posts. And any attempts I make to just ask people how they're doing always get ignored. Yet time and time again I just convince myself it was my fault for being so isolated. But if nobody really cares about keeping in contact with you, are they really your friends? I can just post my art. Nothing going on in my life seems interesting or worth posting about since I don't feel like any IRL friends actually care about that stuff. Now I'm trying to go to a convention, I wanted to reconnect with some people and maybe go with them but I remembered I rarely, if ever, got a response from any of them over the years asking how their summer's going. But I don't have any friends at all now. I'd either have to go to this event alone or with family which would be more expensive and cramp my style (or lack of). Am I just not meant to have friends? These people (from high school at least) were nice to me when I knew them physically but nobody wants to chat at all now. With that, I remember why exactly I went to online communities, I felt like I was important to someone for once. But what should I do?
  15. I get where you're coming from, thanks. I've just been pretty demoralized because I feel like life just wants to prove that I'm just too WEIRD to find a partner. I mean even if I couldn't get into a relationship with her, there's still only one girl I know that has anything in common with me. So it's kinda annoying. Even in online communities everyone's either taken or I would just rather stay silent. Talking to girls for me is 10 times more awkward for me than talking in general, so I just stay silent to avoid saying anything embarassing. I really should try to put myself out there, but I guess past attempts leave me feeling there's not really a point.
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