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KCDPN

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About KCDPN

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  1. KCDPN

    Reconnecting with people?

    Yeah, it's overall a mix of my social freakishness and other people just being too different from me. I was out all day yesterday visiting my brother in Long Island (residential home, he has autism). Seeing a bunch of average social college age teenagers weirded me out. And I'M a teenager. Seeing a bunch of average happy people weirds me out, it's probably because I'm a bitter shell but I don't trust people being overly joyous or anything like that. I envy it sure but it seems really unnatural to be that happy, it's artificial in a way. If I was more independent I would be able to socialize more but I don't really have anywhere to go or people to be around, so I'm just stuck at home. I've been let down by so many people I don't even want to talk to anyone some days because I feel I'll get screwed over by all of them. It's not even easy for me to talk to the few friends I have online. But that's a different mess. I've tried to break out of my bubble but it never works and it doesn't make me feel like I should try again.
  2. I've been trying to reconnect with some people I know since I came to this site. I'm on good terms with my online friends again since I admittedly ran away from them for a bit. I still feel a bit like a third wheel, but I think that just won't change due to how lonely I am at the moment. And, it's not like they're intentionally doing anything to make me feel that way. I guess I just get frustrated when I get that negative because I feel like I'm just getting irrational (even if stuff like the couple flirting is something I CAN be annoyed by). On topic though, I've also been trying to reconnect with people on Facebook. The thing is, I've never had luck with that site. The main reason I never used it is because I feel like anything I post is invisible. I don't have the time, friends, or budget to have amazing lives like everyone else posts. And any attempts I make to just ask people how they're doing always get ignored. Yet time and time again I just convince myself it was my fault for being so isolated. But if nobody really cares about keeping in contact with you, are they really your friends? I can just post my art. Nothing going on in my life seems interesting or worth posting about since I don't feel like any IRL friends actually care about that stuff. Now I'm trying to go to a convention, I wanted to reconnect with some people and maybe go with them but I remembered I rarely, if ever, got a response from any of them over the years asking how their summer's going. But I don't have any friends at all now. I'd either have to go to this event alone or with family which would be more expensive and cramp my style (or lack of). Am I just not meant to have friends? These people (from high school at least) were nice to me when I knew them physically but nobody wants to chat at all now. With that, I remember why exactly I went to online communities, I felt like I was important to someone for once. But what should I do?
  3. I get where you're coming from, thanks. I've just been pretty demoralized because I feel like life just wants to prove that I'm just too WEIRD to find a partner. I mean even if I couldn't get into a relationship with her, there's still only one girl I know that has anything in common with me. So it's kinda annoying. Even in online communities everyone's either taken or I would just rather stay silent. Talking to girls for me is 10 times more awkward for me than talking in general, so I just stay silent to avoid saying anything embarassing. I really should try to put myself out there, but I guess past attempts leave me feeling there's not really a point.
  4. I talked over with my friends but I also have to clarify some stuff. Honestly, the friends I have are generally supportive of me. When I got rejected by a girl I liked for 4 years it was them that I talked to. They said I should value my friendship with her, and I do. I guess I was just frustrated about how our of place I felt whenever we were all together and everything went from hanging with friends to a double date with that awkward black guy tagging along. While I had a bit to cool off I think it is more on me for having such a negative view of them because of that. Nothing was ever intentional and they insisted they aren't annoyed by me, they were actually worried about me when I hadn't talked to them for a while. Sadly, these are online friends but still my main ones since I'm too sm freakish to find friends physically. Except that girl I knew, she was real. So, they can't help be my wingman or whatever. I really do wish I just had somebody to feel less alone. It's a mix of not having a girlfriend and not having friends period. But I'll just have to suck it up and be glad I do have friends who care.
  5. I didn't want to cloud up another thread with this so let me dump this here. I'm on here trying to rejuvenate myself after distancing myself from some of my friends. They aren't bad people at all, but I guess I get mixed whenever they get mushy. See I have like 7 friends in my circle and 6 of them are of 3 couples. I like talking to them individually but I can't help but feel sidelined whenever everyone flirts with each other. It's shallow, but I always dissappear as soon as that happens. I just don't like being the odd one out. The whole reason I stopped socializing physically is because I felt like i didn't fit in with my peers, and now it happened again. It's never intentional so I can't and won't hate them, but it's just grating. I figure why even be there if they have each other, you know, since I tend to fade away. They keep giving me support like "you'll find someone someday, a girl would be lucky to be with you, you won't be alone forever" but it almost sounds condescending in a way. I know relationships aren't things that instantly make you happier but it sure feels like it with them. It'd be selfish to ask them to turn it down or whatever but I have no idea how or if I should bear with this. My biggest insecurity is that I have no relationship experience while former classmates are living their lives being confident, extroverted, and dating their high school sweetheart. Normal people. Meanwhile I'm stuck at home, can't go out. And I never get invited anywhere anyway. Ironically, it's the gay couple I'm closest to anyways. We all know each other as friends individually and everything's fine with them, it's just 3 bi dudes playing video games. Everyone else is like "oh, you're X and Y and you're their girlfriends". No point getting to know them better when everyone else is conjoined to the hip as entities rather than people. Two of them are even meeting up Irl so that's gonna be 2 weeks of avoiding them like the plague. It just sucks. I don't like feeling this bitter about my friends but I can't stand all of this constantly. I haven't lashed put at them, but I don't want to. I don't want my friends having fun to remind me of my own loneliness and inability to socialize. Any advice? Or am I just bitter?
  6. KCDPN

    How Do You Feel Right Now #6

    I'm doing okay, finished an icon for one of my friends that I'm taking a break from (the break wasn't because I hate them, I just needed a breather from their group). It felt good to do stuff, honestly. I also made an icon for a YouTuber for a contest. I doubt it'll win, but I'm glad I've been doing more art lately. Making art makes me feel good to be honest. I can relate, I'm not good with advice, but I hope you feel better soon. Take some time to yourself to do something to cool off if you can.
  7. KCDPN

    How Do You Feel Right Now #6

    Well, overall I'm pretty alright honestly. I got bombarded by messages on social media because some bitter people kept spamming an unfunny joke in response to a user making a cold take they didn't like. Seeing that they were petty and people who were just wasting their time made me feel better about how I've grown as a person over time. I'm still annoyed because my mom just sees everything I do as "being on the laptop all day" despite the fact that I help around the house the best I can. And there's nothing really to do. What, go to my bedroom where I don't even have a proper place to sit to watch TV where I'd get haggled for being alone? I can connect with other people, create art, and indulge in hobbies and entertainment when other stuff is being used. That "unhealthy" narrative is just Mom being barely transparent that she just hates what I do on here, and it's likely her excuse for snatching my devices despite my grades never going below a B average. Speaking of, I doubt she'll "find" them until I go back to college, she already doesn't want to admit she was in the wrong for taking them in the first place. True, she does have alot on her plate, but they never should have been taken. I dunno, I love my mom but I heavilly disagree with stuff she does sometimes, but I can't be vocal about it. It's so annoying just being silent sometimes.
  8. KCDPN

    How Do You Feel Right Now #6

    Just woke up and had an arguement with someone I used to keep in contact with on social media years ago. Thing is, I don't feel too bad about it. It's obvious after years of being apart their personality got noticeably worse. It makes me feel better about how I've grown over the years.
  9. KCDPN

    How Do You Feel Right Now #6

    I'm mixed, I guess. I've been trying to create stuff to distract myself from negative emotions, as I usually do. It's really my only coping mechanism. I'm torn on the inside though. Part of me desperately wants to talk to the few friends I have, yet the other part remembers how much I stick out being the only single person in a group where everyone's dating, and just wants to avoid them more. I hate having negative feelings of malice and jealousy for people who've been nothing but supportive to me, but I just don't like being reminded how different I am, even if it isn't really their fault. I hope I don't sound too spiteful.
  10. KCDPN

    How do you make friends?

    You have a point. I'd have to look into stuff to do. I guess I'l just wait for her to inevitably bring it up again to go through with it. Being able to do ANYTHING would be fine. Even just doing something fun for myself, really. Nothing really gets done without her approval, can't exactly walk out the door without everyone knowing where I am, someone watching over me, having direct and constant contact with everyone, etc. I do get annoyed at how everything I do is just "wasting the day in front of the computer", even though I'm currently editing for a YouTuber that could be a paid gig if I sink some time into it. Of course, that's a long ways out, and it's definitely not like I could have accepted it if I told my Mom about it, but still. Amazingly, my grandma is actually more chill and sees things through my perspective, but it's a fruitless effort trying to argue with mom about anything when she gets in one of her moods. It's advice I've taken from her and I stick to it.
  11. KCDPN

    How do you make friends?

    I have a Human Services major and I'm undoubtedly going to be expected to interact with people once college starts back up. Since my semester's done I just wanted to relax, really. Last semester was stressful and Mom is only suggesting volunteering to get me out of the house. I guess I just don't see the point in doing it on my time when I'm already going to have an internship for it for 2 semesters? Hope that doesn't sound heartless or anything. Ah geez. Thank you for your suggestion though, it's just tough to find things to do when I have such a short leash, so to speak.
  12. KCDPN

    How do you make friends?

    I have the NYCC near me but the reason I've never been able to go is the cost (out of my control) and my mom (I could never go to something that interferes with my school work, she wants the best I can do with little distractions, i.e. fun) I do have some friends online at least but I'm just trying to get distance from them. I feel like I shouldn't be around people if I'm depressed. (And hearing about everyone's relationship got a bit annoying.) I've just been so used to keeping to myself since I just accepted myself as uninteresting. I don't know how to talk to people anymore! When you keep hearing people either being obviously uninterested in what you have to say, or people seeing you as a creepy nerd, you start to hate talking. I don't know if I can go to NYCC, but I'm praying I can go this fall. Alot of my hobbies are weird to people outside the internet though. People who grew UP with the stuff I like always act a bit condescending because they can't compute someone liking things they didn't grow up with and think I know nothing about it because I'm young, and people MY AGE only like mainstream stuff. Not to say they're bad for doing so, but the oldest they'd ever play is the PS2/Xbox/GameCube era, so the FACT I even know what a Genesis is sounds like gibberish to most people. I don't even listen to mainstream music, what kind of 19 year old likes SKA? Also bands like They Might Be Giants aren't exactly popular for people who aren't... white. Not my personal belief, but my mom wasn't too happy when she chaperoned a TMBG concert I went to. I actually doubt I'll be able to hook up with anyone at this rate.I've probably been over this countless times in other topics, but basically the only girl I managed to have feelings for and have a conversation with turned out to not be attracted to guys at all. Pondering over it, that isn't even the first time it's happened. So I'm kinda jaded at this point and think I'm just unloveable or not meant to find a partner. Besides, my mom never liked her (her being white didn't help) so it might be a blessing in disguise. I'd just want to go somewhere where I can talk about stuff without having to be behind a screen. I feel like such an outsider compared to everyone else since, I guess normal people didn't grow up on the internet like I did. I've been trying to use Facebook more to reconnect with people, but this is my third account. Ever since I got one in 8th grade I always just deleted mine. Everyone posted in ways I didn't understand (the "normal" way), I never got replies when trying to talk to people and nobody went out of their way to talk to me. I figured I was just unimportant. Talking to people is still inconvenient in college. I feel like I might just delete again soon, guess my friends don't really want anything to do with me? I dunno. Going to a Sailor Moon movie in late July is the only hope I have at being social, but it's not like I can talk to people anyways. Do people even make friends at the movies? I desperately want to get better but I feel like the overly strict rules I have in place on top of my social anxiety doesn't make a good mix. And I can't leave my parent's roof anytime soon so I feel like a waste of space despite me being in college and getting pretty good grades. Sigh. Regardless, thank you to everyone in this thread for your input.
  13. KCDPN

    How do you make friends?

    Kinda niche stuff, sometimes. Some of the stuff isn't even that unheard of, but I can rarely find someone that likes the stuff I like. I guess... at the moment I'm into video editing, retro video games (especially SEGA), 80's and 90's jazz, old computer tech, and anime. Main one's Sailor Moon though I think it's mostly something girls like. Not that in of itself is a bad thing but, you know. Awkward when everyone else just wants DBZ and One Piece. I do have some online friends but I wouldn't know where to look. I'm in a couple of Discord servers but I'm not really comfortable with talking to people I don't know, I fear I'm going to say something dumb and embarass myself. Actually, that's my problem IRL too, so oops.
  14. I haven't been able to properly make friends since I graduated high school. Any advice on how to make friends when you're depressed? I need to find more anyways, I need to give my current circle space. They're overall emotionally supportive but I stick out like a sore thumb since the group consists of 3 couples dating each other and I'm just... lingering. I need space from the mush and they probably are better off without a depressed loner. My interests and hobbies make it hard for anyone to talk to me anyways. Ideally, I'd just like to have more friends, and also be able to talk to girls. I've just been avoiding conversations entirely since I don't believe any of them would find me interesting anymore. I HAVE talked to people a lot over the years, but other males are the only people who want to be friends with me even if we don't have much stuff in common. I'd just like to fix these issues of mine.
  15. KCDPN

    Alone for life

    My college does have a counselor and I've been seeing her for the bulk of my second semester. But since college is done, I've got nobody to talk to. I can't talk to my mom about some stuff because she tends to get offended sometimes if I'm TOO honest. One of the things she does is compare me to my father or otherwise "punch me in the gut" by saying harsh stuff as retorts to what I say, when I never try to be harsh to her. It's not just games, either. Anime, cartoons, drawing. All of them seem like wastes of time to her. And I don't have anyone to talk about them, so it's a bummer. My folks are immigrants, though I was born in America. My mom was born in her homeland but most of the life she lived was in America. Still, everyone's closer to my culture but me, I don't even speak the language, eat the food, or know about the customs.
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