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About Claire95

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  1. Hi, How is everyone doing. I hope we all in good condition despite this tough time. Lately, I was feeling very upset. Screwed up some tasks at work and people were getting mad at me. I was really hurt by the email response, and I just ignore that email. I know it’s unprofessional, but I just don’t know how to deal with that. I spend my weekend sleeping and crying over it and some shitty things happen lately. Even forgot to eat. I feel so incompetent at work, took to much time doing tasks, too little knowledge. Hell, I even dream about my job. I don’t know if I ever meant for this job. I wonder if it is me that too sensitive and emotional with everything. I can’t seem to let go of that response, it bother me sooo much. “I’m here to work not to make friend or anything. They are just people I’m working with, not my family or friends. So why should I care”. No matter how much I try to convince myself, I just can’t get that out from my head. Lately, I was thinking about quitting, but I don’t have any backup plan, not financially stable to support myself either. Can’t really afford to be jobless in this economy. Yesterday was my birthday, so I kind of hoping things will be all sunshine. But nope, life is just cruel and I just spending whole day crying. I haven’t see my family for 3 months because of Covid19 lockdown. God, I just miss them so much. I just felt like I can’t handle this anymore. I hope Monday never come.
  2. It's always good to have someone who can relate to me. Yesterday, I was very down and keep worrying too much. Keep doubting myself too much and thinking of other careers path (and various worst case scenarios that will happen to me). Feeling a lil bit better today. Your last phrase really motivate me to keep trying. Thanks. Thanks BW. I wish I could live on being grateful for what I have and can do, but sometimes the voice inside me keep on telling "You should've try harder" "This is your fault". Honestly, yes it is my fault for making all the dumb choices, but instead of moving on I keep on regretting too much. Thanks for your thoughts. i just have too much insecurities. I've never heard about that therapy, I'll look into it!
  3. Hi, it’s been a long time since my last post. Right now I’m already finish my degree in electronic and looking for a job. It’s been almost 5 months I’ve been unemployed and honestly I anxious about my future. Today I went for a job interview for a position that’s under qualified for me. Idk why I got that interview offer. So the interview doesn’t went well. I could not answer the simplest question like how does transistor works? I’m so disappointed in myself, feels like I possess no knowledge in this field. My internship is not related to electronic so it become harder for me. My final year project was a total shit because of that I’m scared and have low confidence to continue my study. But then even if I want to jump to other field, I don’t have the knowledge. I got very anxious and could not sleep. Always worrying. And I’m always keep remembering my past mistakes and my past self. Why did I turn out like this? Feels like god is hating me. I’m sorry if this post is all over the place and seems like whiny problem. But I just want some place to express my frustration and anxiety.
  4. Thanks for the advice jsop4. Maybe because how I’m always being compared to others by my parents, it has become a norm for me to do that as well. It’s like I’m always asking, ‘ Some people have it worse, I should be grateful’. When I got really depressed, I did plan to meet the counselor in my university, but my fear and anxiety always gets in the way. I wish I have the courage to talk to my parents, but I could never talk about the topic without getting emotionally frustrated. My little sister is the only one I could share my feeling, but then she is too young to understand why I’m feeling this way.
  5. Thanks for the advice uncertain1. I wish I could talk to my professors, but they all seem to be quite unapproachable. I did think about going to the counseling center in my university, but then I’m always thinking about how my problems seem so ridiculous, or what a crybaby I am. I have this fear of how people will judge me. I know should not really care about what people will say, but those thought really hard to overcome. I do consider getting help when I’m going back to school after internship though. Hopefully, I won’t change my mind.
  6. Hi JustAnotherSufferer. Thanks for the reply. I’m so sorry to hear that. I’m definitely can relate to you especially about ‘everything just feels so bland’. I feel like I’m forcing my emotion whenever I’m talking to someone or reacting to anything. And that’s just so messed up. Btw, some rough thing happens to me yesterday and I was in a very low mood. But then, I thought about what you said, ‘Don’t judge yourself too much’ and it does help me get through the day. I’m sorry that I couldn’t really say something motivational to you in return. I hope tomorrow will be better for us.
  7. Hi, A little bit about myself, I'm a senior in university and come from good family. By good family, I mean that both my parents are not abusive and financially able to support me. But we are not that close and I rarely share my problems with them. I feel like they expect too much from me and in some ways I found them to always comparing me with others. I don't really know when I really started getting depressed, but I guess it started to become worse at the end of last year. Last year have been really busy for me and my grade started falling down. I feel like in some sense I'm getting unlucky, there are always some bad things happen to me. Even when I worked really hard, I'm getting the worse of it. Every assignment and exam meets with failure. I'm usually a positive person. If I'm not getting a good result then I will just work hard for the next ones. But lately, it has been really hard to see any positivity in current failures. I noticed that my depression has negatively impacted me when it took one week for me to get into the 'right' track. I found it really hard to get out of bed in the morning, as a result, I found myself frequently skipping school. My room could get very messy when I get depressed and become really clean when the phase is over. I become to hate myself so much that I feel like so worthless. It just feels so empty. I don't enjoy watching a movie anymore which is my hobby and my sleep cycle become worse. I just could not sleep at night and I'm also having trouble concentrating in class. Lately, I have been losing appetite and weight and this honestly scares me because my body does not lose or gain weight really easy. I have a meltdown (I'm not sure if this is a correct term) a few days ago, where I got really agitated and start crying when my dad asked about my internship. I'm not quite happy with my internship (and I'm really don't want to talk about it). And the things about the meltdown, it ruins the mood for family dinner and I can't help but feel sad and empty all time. I never consider suicide, but I'm thinking that it will be good if I'm off to some place where no one exists. I apologize to all people on here that have really good reasons to be going through depression because I always feel like my problem is not that severe. I'm sorry if the story is all over the place (and probably with many grammatical errors) but I just really want to get this feeling off my chest.
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