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Hkatlyn

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  1. I needed to post this just to vent out how I'm feeling. Its going to be long, so you don't have to read it all i just need to get it out. I have weird depression. Some days are good and some are really bad. I've had it on and off for about 2 years now and it sucks. It all started back when I switched schools ANOTHER time a couple of years ago. I thought switching schools again would be good for me, but i was so wrong. I have very bad social anxiety and I've had it all my life. When I was a little girl, people would say, "she's just shy." or "you'll grow out of it." But I never have. And I'm more than shy. Back in 7th grade, during a presentation, one of my meaner classmates snickered as walked to the front of the classroom." oh boy this outta be good!" Everyone knew I never talked. I got up there and shook so bad it looked like I was freezing cold. Kids at school would ask me, "why don't you ever talk?" I just said "I don't know" and walked away. More of my classmates would whisper, "she never talks, she's so quiet!" They would say it close enough that I could hear. Another day in class, it was my birthday and everyone sang for me so I had to stand up in front of everybody. I was already shaking bad and embarrassed then my substitute teacher asked, "you finally 10?" (I was much older than ten btw)I assume it was just a joke, or at least I hope, but I was probably blushing super bad by that point. I went back to my seat and the girl sitting at my table says, "why are you shaking so much?" and I just said I was really cold. So, no I'm not just quiet. And for sure the teasing never helped me talk anymore. The girls I would sit with at lunch were bullies and would make fun of everybody. I'm almost positive that they talked about me behind my back. One day I remember sitting at lunch and a very mean boy passed the table wearing dirty clothes and he looked very overweight and grumpy. One of the girls snickered "You should date him!" Other girls joined in. I constantly said no, but they kept teasing me.Most of the time, I was too scared to eat lunch with the girls so i would eat very little during lunch time and eat the rest in the bathroom. finally, i got fed up and switched lunch tables. Which wasn't much better, but they didn't make fun of me. Lets just say lunch was my least favorite part of the day. Not only that, I didn't try to hard in school because the teachers didn't care about me at all. I remember one coming to me during class saying, " You need to start talking in my class!" I was SO embarrassed. Another time one yelled at me for taking notes. TAKING NOTES! I would spend a lot of my free time just sitting in the bathroom. Every morning if i came to school early, I would sit in the bathroom for 20 minutes so I wouldn't have to walk in the crowded hallway. The summer wasn't much better either. I contacted one of the Samaritans through email messaging and told them everything. They helped a lot. So then I decided to switch schools again. This time it was a good switch. Everyone there was so nice and my teachers were good. However, a lot of the past memories still clung to me. I slit my wrists a lot. I would lie to my parents and say I accidentally cut myself while cooking.I considered drinking until I got high, but couldn't find my parents alcohol in their room. Suicide swept through my mind 24/7. A lot of the days were good, but I still came home crying. I still felt lonely, like I was different than everybody else, and that I was weird. I cared more about my studies, however. My grades got better and I set really high standards for myself. I would talk a little more, but the things that came out were super awkward. I remember sitting in class and my teacher said to me, "how can you pay attention when you're looking down at your book?" and I freaking said magical powers. Magical powers? Another thing that made me feel like crap is that Every One had everyone elses social media and phone numbers and such and no one asked for mine. It's not a big deal, but I felt weird. Another thing that got to me, is when kids would call me really skinny. Yes, I'm skinny, but I'm not unhealthy. I eat three meals a day like everyone else. So along with that I felt weird about my body.So I called a suicide helpline thing and they talked to me for a bit, but then my dad came in and asked who i was talking to. And also my brother, he would call me crap and avoid me and just pretty much treat me like . And my mom, who told me that with my personality I'll end up on welfare or without a job when I grow up and said I was an embarrassment times before. So schools over for the summer again, and I'm doing okay, not feeling suicidal, just plain bored as hell. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. everyday goes by just the same. I don't enjoy them, I just get through them. I don't have fun doing anything anymore. I sleep way too much. I feel like a disappointment. What do I do?
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