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Hkatlyn

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  1. Hkatlyn

    I am so depressed

    I don't really know how this website works, but I am kinda depressed right now. I'm still in High school, and ever since I can remember, I've been super emotional. 7th and 8th grade I cried a lot and had trouble fitting in. I had hardly any friends and all of them were outside of my school. I was super shy and sometimes didn't say a thing all day. 9th and 10th grade I'm a little more outgoing, but still get nervous. I have tons of friends and do more than I used to, but I feel like I'm always so discontent with everything. Why is this? My life is pretty much fine, and I'm always discontent with it. Tonight, for example, I signed up for tap dance (which I haven't done since I was 6) and it was only because my friend asked me to do it. And I said yes! Now I have to do dance and I don't even enjoy it. What for? To make someone else happy?I signed up for volleyball for the same reason, to please people. I feel like my life is based on other people and their happiness. I want to sing i choir and do artwork, but I don't have any free time anymore. I had a panic attack tonight because I forgot my school homework and now I have to rush to do it at lunch , and if I don't get it done, I get demerits which could lead to detention, or getting suspended. Almost every day of my week except for Saturday and Sunday are filled with activities picked by other people. I feel so worthless, unloved, useless, and stressed out. I don't want to **** myself to displease others. I care so much about other people! I've never went on a date or had a boyfriend/girlfriend in my life. I've haven't had a lot of fun in so long. I love this one boy so much but I know he never thinks or cares about me.(besides he's two years older than me.) I feel like the one friend in the group that nobody likes. I feel like no one will ever love me except my mom and dad. Even my brother ignored me my whole life. I suppose I'm an attention seeker because I want attention. I want all eyes on me for once. I want to be SOMETHING. I'm so afraid, angry, irritated, worried, you name it. And I've been this way for pretty much my whole life. My childhood was a complete mess, and growing up isn't looking so good either. I've been having trouble falling asleep and have been waking up sweating like crazy almost every night. I haven't had enough time for me lately. Tonight was the first time I took a shower in a while because I've been too busy, and my school workload is so intense I don't know how I'll get it done. On top of that, I have to get my drivers license soon and I don't have much time to study.
  2. Hkatlyn

    This is my life

    I don't know why I'm posting another forum, but I guess this is just a way of expressing how I feel, and have felt for a long time without having to tell someone close to me in real life. So onto the topic... My childhood was really bad. Well first off, I'm going to say that it's probably an exaggeration, most peoples childhoods are much worse and I'm not here to make you feel bad for me or anything like that, I'm just posting this because I can. So, one thing that's been on my mind recently was my childhood. (I'm still a teenager so it's not over yet.) But I mean what has occurred already. I lived in a smaller neighborhood growing up. When I was little, my next door neighbors moved and new neighbors moved in. At the time I was probably 5 or 6 and they had a son who was about 4. From then on, he would come over to my house and I would go over to his to hang out. By the time I was about 8 or 9 and he was around 7 he started getting weird.. One day he came to my room and toke off his clothes. Then he begged me to do the same. I told him no. And he kept begging and begging. I can't believe this to this day, but eventually I said yes. I toke off my clothes and he tried to kiss me and when I went to the bathroom, tried watching me. He wanted me to lick his stuff and I refused. I can not believe a 7 or 8 year old would be so perverted like that. So moving on. I was a very shy, angry kid. I had very few friends and had trouble making friends as well. I specifically remember having one friend who would come over to my house and practically make fun of me the whole time. I spent the whole day cleaning my room before she came over and when she did, she told me my room looked so dirty, and that you should see how clean hers was. She would make fun of my clothes, hair, things I said. But I still considered her a good friend somehow. I had bullies at school, too. I only had one friend that went to my school we'll call her Lilly. Lilly was a very shy, eccentric girl but I met her very young and we just kind of bonded well. We would swing on the swings at recess and a boy would make fun of us all the time. Then there was this other boy in my class who would bully me bad too I'll call him John. It got so bad that I wrote in my diary clubs I want to join- "John hating club." People would make fun of things on my face like my bushier eyebrows that I was very self conscious of. I get mad I suppose from being treated like crap and took it out on others. My neighbor got a divorce and started dating this girl with a younger daughter. The daughter was about 4 when I was 8. I would bully the daughter and I remember one time actually stealing 10 dollars from her until her mom found out. After 9 years, we moved to another house in another state, and things got bad again. now, years later things are okay. However there were a couple points in my life growing up where I felt like I just couldn't do it anymore.Sometimes I feel like I never want to be in a relationship with anyone ever and I just want to die before I become a full grown adult because I don't know if I can do it. I believe in God, and know where I'm going its just hard sometimes to comprehend. I don't know what it has to do with anymore, but I'm just an emotional wreck all the time and am constantly angry. I'm so awkward too. I went over to my friends house tonight and her dad picked me up and the way I talked to him, the way I replied, and the things I said were just so awkward and odd. I have hardly any social skills and am so introverted I feel like its a chore to make friends anymore. I fake smile all the time and pretend I'm happy. My friends ask why I don't talk much around other people or why I never post on Facebook. I hate Facebook, I hate how everyone's posting about their lives and stuff they do as if I should care. Because I know if I posted something no one would care. I have like 12 friends on there, and a lot of them are adults who know my mom. My mom and I fight like crazy. I haven't had a decent conversation with her in so long. She's a good person and I love her, we just don't get along well. I would like to say I could tell you what makes me happy, but I don't. I pretty much a blob of unemotional. I feel like I haven't felt emotion in years and I'm just there. I fake it, but I don't feel like its real. Al I do everyday Is sit around and watch YouTube. I don't think I'm depressed? Just really bummed out and bored. I wish something big and unusual would happen in my life that would change everything. I wish I got a terrible injury and everyone I loved would come to visit me at the hospital so I would feel loved. I do think that, on a DAILY basis. Maybe if I was on my death bed, I would see everyone I ever cared about and they would pity me? Wouldn't that feel amazing? What if I went missing would people I know go out looking for my day and night? Would people care? Wouldn't that be great if they would! I'm sorry for this long thing but there you go.
  3. I needed to post this just to vent out how I'm feeling. Its going to be long, so you don't have to read it all i just need to get it out. I have weird depression. Some days are good and some are really bad. I've had it on and off for about 2 years now and it sucks. It all started back when I switched schools ANOTHER time a couple of years ago. I thought switching schools again would be good for me, but i was so wrong. I have very bad social anxiety and I've had it all my life. When I was a little girl, people would say, "she's just shy." or "you'll grow out of it." But I never have. And I'm more than shy. Back in 7th grade, during a presentation, one of my meaner classmates snickered as walked to the front of the classroom." oh boy this outta be good!" Everyone knew I never talked. I got up there and shook so bad it looked like I was freezing cold. Kids at school would ask me, "why don't you ever talk?" I just said "I don't know" and walked away. More of my classmates would whisper, "she never talks, she's so quiet!" They would say it close enough that I could hear. Another day in class, it was my birthday and everyone sang for me so I had to stand up in front of everybody. I was already shaking bad and embarrassed then my substitute teacher asked, "you finally 10?" (I was much older than ten btw)I assume it was just a joke, or at least I hope, but I was probably blushing super bad by that point. I went back to my seat and the girl sitting at my table says, "why are you shaking so much?" and I just said I was really cold. So, no I'm not just quiet. And for sure the teasing never helped me talk anymore. The girls I would sit with at lunch were bullies and would make fun of everybody. I'm almost positive that they talked about me behind my back. One day I remember sitting at lunch and a very mean boy passed the table wearing dirty clothes and he looked very overweight and grumpy. One of the girls snickered "You should date him!" Other girls joined in. I constantly said no, but they kept teasing me.Most of the time, I was too scared to eat lunch with the girls so i would eat very little during lunch time and eat the rest in the bathroom. finally, i got fed up and switched lunch tables. Which wasn't much better, but they didn't make fun of me. Lets just say lunch was my least favorite part of the day. Not only that, I didn't try to hard in school because the teachers didn't care about me at all. I remember one coming to me during class saying, " You need to start talking in my class!" I was SO embarrassed. Another time one yelled at me for taking notes. TAKING NOTES! I would spend a lot of my free time just sitting in the bathroom. Every morning if i came to school early, I would sit in the bathroom for 20 minutes so I wouldn't have to walk in the crowded hallway. The summer wasn't much better either. I contacted one of the Samaritans through email messaging and told them everything. They helped a lot. So then I decided to switch schools again. This time it was a good switch. Everyone there was so nice and my teachers were good. However, a lot of the past memories still clung to me. I slit my wrists a lot. I would lie to my parents and say I accidentally cut myself while cooking.I considered drinking until I got high, but couldn't find my parents alcohol in their room. Suicide swept through my mind 24/7. A lot of the days were good, but I still came home crying. I still felt lonely, like I was different than everybody else, and that I was weird. I cared more about my studies, however. My grades got better and I set really high standards for myself. I would talk a little more, but the things that came out were super awkward. I remember sitting in class and my teacher said to me, "how can you pay attention when you're looking down at your book?" and I freaking said magical powers. Magical powers? Another thing that made me feel like crap is that Every One had everyone elses social media and phone numbers and such and no one asked for mine. It's not a big deal, but I felt weird. Another thing that got to me, is when kids would call me really skinny. Yes, I'm skinny, but I'm not unhealthy. I eat three meals a day like everyone else. So along with that I felt weird about my body.So I called a suicide helpline thing and they talked to me for a bit, but then my dad came in and asked who i was talking to. And also my brother, he would call me crap and avoid me and just pretty much treat me like . And my mom, who told me that with my personality I'll end up on welfare or without a job when I grow up and said I was an embarrassment times before. So schools over for the summer again, and I'm doing okay, not feeling suicidal, just plain bored as hell. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. everyday goes by just the same. I don't enjoy them, I just get through them. I don't have fun doing anything anymore. I sleep way too much. I feel like a disappointment. What do I do?
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