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Sarahh2018

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Posts posted by Sarahh2018

  1. Hi Everyone,
    I need some advice. My ex that I was dating for over 2.5 years wanted some space. I did no contact for 2 months and he reached out (we havent been together for 8 months but talked back and forth). We talked abit. He has started getting help. Understands that I am not to blame now. Taking accountability for his actions. I asked him what he wanted and he says he is not ready for a relationship right now, that he needs to fix himself. He loves me and misses me but he cannot commit to anyone. He doesn't know what he wants right now.
    He wants to be friends.
    What should I do? One hand I feel like I won't be respected if I stay as his friend when he says he isn't ready. But on the other, he is finally starting to get things.
    Advice please.

  2. Hi Everyone,
    I need some advice. My ex that I was dating for over 2.5 years wanted some space. I did no contact for 2 months and he reached out (we havent been together for 8 months but talked back and forth). We talked abit. He has started getting help. Understands that I am not to blame now. Taking accountability for his actions. I asked him what he wanted and he says he is not ready for a relationship right now, that he needs to fix himself. He loves me and misses me but he cannot commit to anyone. He doesn't know what he wants right now.
    He wants to be friends.
    What should I do? One hand I feel like I won't be respected if I stay as his friend when he says he isn't ready. But on the other, he is finally starting to get things.
    Advice please.

  3. Hi everyone,

    I've written a few posts here. Need some advice. Here is a brief recap and current situation. 

    I have been with my exbf for over 2 years. He broke up with me because of something we couldn't come to an agreement on but also stated he realized he was depressed. Long story short, The break up and depression realization happened over 4 months ago at the exact same time. At first he told me he didn't want to lose me and he knew wed be happy together but that the issue we couldn't come to an agreement on played in his head but that he was depressed and needed help. He has a family history of it (father and brother have it). He has never had it but we agree that it was triggered 1.5 years ago by a car accident. We tried communicating,I even compromised on that issue we had but he said it wasn't enough now that he needed to figure out if I was the one for him and that he needs to sort himself out.  We took some time apart, but unfortunately I did not handle the last 4 months well. I would be supportive but then break and keep pushing him for answers. We are now at a point where he said he wanted 3 months no contact but then wanted to meet face to face to discuss it. Its weird because on texting he can become very angry, emotional, irritable but in person he almost is rationale and like the boy I knew. He has been irritable in person but its almost like he is holding it together in front of me. So it confuses me as its hard to see him as depressed. But I know he is so I remind myself of that. He now states that he still wants his 3 month space but that I can check in on him but not often. He says he feels I'm hovering and I want to know what is going on in his life (even though I was away for 7 weeks and had limited contact with him). He feels that if he were to date other people I would get upset. I said of course I would. He said that it killed him but he had to let me go when I went on my trip otherwise he would go crazy thinking of me with other people. and that right now we cannot be together as he has this feeling I am not the right one for him. He wants to commit to me and loves me but that he cant and doesn't know why he has this feeling. That his feelings for me changed. He agrees our relationship was very good and is the type that is hard to find and that he was very happy in it.

    I tried to explain that feelings changed when he got depressed but he won't listen.  He did go to some counseling but stopped for 2 months but says he will be going back again soon. He wont take any medication. He says when hes feeling better we can talk and see where he stands in terms of our relationship but right now he doesn't think we will be together. He says a lot of "right now" statements. such as: "right now i feel this way" or " I don't think we will end up together, atleast thats how I feel right now". He says he wants to fix himself and thinks meeting new people in the future might be what he needs to find his answers. He clearly still loves me and cares about me but something is stopping him from accessing those feelings. I do know that he is very very good at repressing stuff which is how he landed here. He repressed his childhood abuse issues, his chronic pain due to an accident, other relationship issues, any feelings and now me. He told me hes able to put his feelings into a box and not think about them. He agrees he has some commitment issue and is scared of being alone but doesn't know if its because its me he cant commit to or what, he cannot pinpoint what caused him to change his feelings. When I said i wished it would go back to how things were before, he wrote back he did as well but things are different now.

     He says I deserve better, that it is his issue and not me and that if I move on and he regrets it, that it will be his loss and not mine. He talks about not stringing me along so he doesn't hurt me more than he already has as he cannot promise anything and that he has to let me go in order not to give mixed messages.  I agreed to give him the space he wanted but said that I deserve to have someone who knows they want me. And while I will never abandon him, that I must move on but that I'll always be here for him.  He said if its meant to be it will be, but right now he doesn't think I'm the right person for him. Its so hard because he told me he cried when we were texting and he was telling me he wanted no contact for 3 months and that is not like him at all. He never cries. I could see in texts and in person that he is confused. I asked him if he wanted me to move on he said no but he can't tell me what to do. Its like hes battling himself. He says he wants to commit to me but can't because of this feeling. 

    Did I do the right thing and saying I'm moving on?   I honestly don't think I can. I will respect his space. I realize nothing will work if hes not better. But I do not want anyone else. My trip really confirmed that to me. But is saying to them that you're not moving on helping or hurting? I feel like that is letting them know you'll be a doormat or is it helpful as he seems to have commitment issues/scared that Id leave him and telling him I will wait for him is showing him I will never leave.

    suggestions? Thoughts? 

    Thanks!

  4. On 6/11/2018 at 6:31 PM, MarkintheDark said:

    Welcome to DF, if no one's said it.  You're probably not getting the answer you wanted, but it's probably best you listened to it.  We're folks with experience on BOTH sides of this.  I hope you'll bear with me if I'm candid.

    As painful as the situation is for you right now, your own physical and emotional health needs to be your #1 priority.  If therapy is available, go for it.  At the very least, you need to make a clean break on all contact for the sake of your own sanity.  Good that you've gone almost two weeks with no contact.  Keep it up.  Block his number.  Block his social media.  You can't "fix" him.

    I'll add some insight into where he's at, having walked a few miles in his shoes.  Simply, he's overwhelmed.  For one, he's dealing with chronic pain.  I can tell you from experience, that in itself becomes so distracting that anyone's thinking goes south.  As for the depression, not only does he feel he's not good enough for himself, he's not good enough for anyone.  And, yeah, he's gonna snap on what may seem to you like inconsequential issues because they can automatically trigger just more issues.  Focus is extremely difficult for him, if not impossible.  Again, you can't "fix" it.  You're not qualified.

    If you're losing weight, not sleeping and your job performance is tanking, you need to get professional help for YOURSELF.  If you can only manage to do one thing tomorrow, let that be it.

     

    Thank you for responding. Its not been 3.5 weeks of no contact. It is still very hard. I miss him alot. I feel like he is focusing on the few negative things in our relationship but in fact we had an amazing relationship. Even after taking the space from him, I still feel we belong together. I can't seem to get him to see past the negative. I know I can't fix him that is why I backed off. But I feel badly because the last communication was me saying how I didn't deserve to be treated this way and that he was being manipulative. The reason I said this was because when he broke up with me he said it was for the depression and the issue we fought about then it became little issues about me and that he wasn't sure about me anymore and as weeks went on it was worse and worse. I want him back. I miss him. I love him so much. He is going to therapy but who knows how long it will take. I'm leaving in 5 days for a trip for 6 weeks. Do I contact him? Do I let him know? More importantly, do I apologize for ending our last conversation so rudely ?

  5.  I need help.

    I am having a very hard time. 

    My exboyfriend and I were dating for over 2 years. I lived with him for several months at the end. He broke up with me over 2.5 months ago because of a big issue we were trying to compromise on and that he was depressed and stressed. I had no idea he was depressed as he hid it from everyone. He has a family history of depression and has a hard childhood. He has had chronic pain for 1.5 years due to a car accident and hid the amount of pain he was in from that as well. Overall, we were very happy together but towards the last few weeks we were fighting a lot. He was withdrawing and I felt neglected so naturally walls went up and fights began. He is still willing to speak to me. He will answer my calls if I call, answer texts, etc. He is still very kind to me. He says he can't get back together because he is not well but that he can't promise me anything in the future. He says that after he broke down and went to this dark place that things have changed for him. He also doesn't find as much pleasure in other hobbies/things that he enjoyed immensely.  He says something is blocking his feelings for me. He blames me for part of his depression because of the big issue we were fighting about as it put pressure/stress on him, however, he was the one who was holding the cards on it.

    Every time I speak to him and we talk about our relationship, he blames me or nitpicks things about me that he doesn't like. The things hes saying he doesn't like are not big issues, just issues he could have come and spoken to me about which he never did. He says he doesn't see a future with us anymore which is crazy because even a few months ago we were so happy. He tells me I need to move on but then says he doesn't want to know if I'm dating other people. He tells me he might not regret his decision but when I ask if he is saying' we are completely done, he says "I don't know". 

    I haven't contacted him in almost 2 weeks as I am very hurt by all the things he says. He is tearing my heart apart. I have fallen into situation depression now. I haven't been eating or sleeping in over 2 months. I have lost a significant amount of weight. I cannot function at work. I cry every day. I stay in bed and miss work a lot. I am completely lost and broken. I am still in complete shock that I am in this position now. What do I do? Do I keep in contact with him? Do I not? How can his feelings change so fast? He says he can put his feelings in a box and put them away and doesn't miss me as much anymore. This is very painful and I am hurting myself (not on purpose- by not eating/sleeping/ doing anything)over it.

  6. I need some advice.

    My xbf and I were dating for over 2 years. I lived with him for several months at the end. He broke up with me over 2 months ago because of a big issue we were trying to compromise on and that he was depressed. I had no idea he was depressed as he hid it from everyone. First time for him but he does have a family history of it. He also had some childhood issues that he never dealt with. He has had chronic pain for 1.5 due to a car accident and hid the amount of pain he was in from that as well. Overall, we were very happy together but towards the last few weeks we were fighting a lot. He was withdrawing and I felt neglected so naturally walls went up and fights began. He is still willing to speak to me. He will answer my calls if I call, answer texts, etc. He is still very kind to me. He says he can't get back together because he is not well but that he can't promise me anything in the future. He isn't sure if I am the one anymore. He says that after he broke down and went to this dark place that things have changed for him. He also doesn't find as much pleasure in other hobbies/things that he enjoyed immensely.  He is willing to see me once/week and speak a few times a week.  He has finally just started going to counselling.

    He is the love of my life. We were very happy together. He still says he was happy with me and loves me.

    Do I hang in there even though he is not sure If i am the one for him anymore and that he loves me but something is missing? I heard this is common with Depression but I am so scared. He is not the type at all to play games. I have continued to be pushy, pressuring him, emotional and he is still kind, answers my texts, sees me when I just show up.  So I know he is not saying this to play games but is very confused and clearly he still loves me. He also has started to bring other stuff up about our relationship in a negative way which isnt that case and its hard to convince him otherwise even with proof.

    What do I do? This could take months, years? I am 35. I want a family and kids. But I want it with him.

  7. 6 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

    I'm sorry this is happening to you.  idk that I can speak to your POV.  But from what you described perhaps I can speak to his, since my frame of mind is similar at the moment.

    In short, it sounds like he's dealing with more than he can handle right now in terms of both physical and emotional pain.  I can tell you from my own experience that constant physical pain will quickly drain my emotional resources down to empty.  So, too, few people understand the amount of energy it can take to keep up normal appearances, as he's apparently tried to do, or even socialize.  I'm speculating, but he may be pretty fragile at the moment.

    If someone starts pressing me for attention - whatever the possibly good-intentioned reason - I'll perceive it as just another stressor that will drain me further and make me feel worse.  The best thing anyone can do for me in that case is to simply back off and let me deal with it in my own way in my own time.  I believe his concern for you is genuine.  But it sounds like he's telling you he doesn't have the emotional resources to meet your needs if he can't even meet his own.  Perhaps this sounds misogynistic (mods, please delete if I've crossed the line), but for some of us guys, confronting us with tears and pleading will drive us even further away.

    Probably not the kind of answer you wanted.  Given the limited information I have and since the situation described struck a chord with me, I may be totally wrong.  But that's my take on your description.  Best thing you can do is take care of yourself.

    Thank you so much for your reply. It really helps to hear the other side.Especially from someone who can relate to the chronic pain. He hid so much from me that I didn't know the extent of how much pain he was in. I understand now how hard things are for him. I have stopped the emotional melt downs, I have given him space but not texting as much -only the 1/week he wanted. I am now starting to take care of myself as I know I can't become a mess as it isn't healthy. He said he needed space from me and It is so hard to hear that as I was living with him every day and now we only speak 1/week. Its completely heartbreaking to see this amazing person suffer so much and I can't do anything to help him. He understands he is depressed and knows he needs to call and see a therapist but he just isn't doing that for fear of years of unspoken/unresolved issues he never dealt with.

  8. 7 hours ago, Epictetus said:

    Hi Sarahh2018 and welcome to the Forums.

        I am so very sorry for the terrible ordeal you are going through.  I wish I knew what to say to help.  Do you know if your boyfriend is getting any kind of help for his depression?  Is he in the care of a licensed physician and/or therapist?  I know of many happy endings in situations similar to the one you are going through.  There is always hope.  I am glad you are eating a bit again and sleeping more.  Please lean on us here in the Forums for moral support during this difficult, difficult time you are going through.  That is why we here:  to help each other.  You should not be alone with the terrible pain you are enduring!  - epictetus

    Thank you for the support. He went to his GP but he still hasn't called to make an appoint to see a therapist.  He told his family and friends but even though there is a family history of severe depression in his family they don't seem to be trying to get him to call. He promised he'd call this week but I don't think he has. We were supposed to text only 1/week but I kept messaging him or coming to see him. I have been needy, begging, crying, upset and I think it puts too much pressure on him. He still a bit of himself but I can see a lot has changed. I'm not sure if he is putting on a show for his family or not. I miss my sweet amazing caring loving boyfriend. We have plans to see each  other in a few days for a couple hours and I've decided it is probably best to stop being emotional and stop talking about our relationship. I think I will just try to have fun with him and enjoy our time together. Maybe that will take off some of the pressure he is feeling from me. I just don't know how to help him make that call. He is scared to do it for fear of years of unspoken issues that he stuffed down. 

  9. My boyfriend and I broke up 6 weeks ago after being together for 2.5 years. He broke it off because of the fighting that was happening towards the end and he was depressed (which he never told anyone and this is the first time he has had it) due to an accident that leaves him with constant pain. He was withdrawing and I felt neglected. I did not know or realize he was depressed. He has always been a calm person. He has a family history of depression so I guess I should have picked up on some of the symptoms. But he was very good about hiding his depression and the amount of pain he was in from his accident. He also has a lot of issues from childhood and has never discussed his feelings about them, he suppresses a lot of feelings/issues. He now says he doesn't know if I am the right person for him even though upto a few weeks before our break up, he said he saw a future with me and would always say things like that throughout our relationship. While it wasn't perfect, we had an amazing relationship, lots of love, patience, chemistry, fun and laugher. We were fight a bit at the end but I didn't realize he was so stressed out. We are currently still in contact but he only wanted to text 1/week. I did see him one day and beg him to get back together. I apologized for my wrong doings but he said he couldn't get back together right now even though he loves and wants me because he is not mentally well and is blocked from emotionally connecting now. He is worried that he will get worse. He does not want to keep leading me on. He tells me to move on but when I ask him if he wants me to let go, he says no but that he cant promise me anything. He says he is not sure if I am the right person for him. He says its like I am on the opposite side of a river that he cannot cross and he feels empty inside. If he were to agree to being together, it  would only make him put on a face and that it wouldn't be fair. He is  now willing to see me 1/week and talk a bit but wants space. He says this is for my benefit as he saw how upset and in pain I am but that he doesn't really need it. He promised that he would call and start getting help but hasn't done so yet. He talks about our relationship with a lot of negative things which isn't the reality of it but then he says that a relationship like ours is hard to find.

    I am having the hardest time of my life. I love him dearly, I want him to get better, I want him to be happy and remember the good times. This has completely broken my heart. I have never felt this much pain in my life. I realize I cannot beg him to come back or convince him to call for help, he needs to do it on his own. But waiting around is chickening me. I have stopped eating and sleeping. Only the past week have I started eating a bit again and sleeping more. 

    Are there any happy endings? Do they come back?

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