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Everything posted by Youngbull

  1. I took yet another break, but I appreciate all the replies. I'm too young to buy a drink but I am a legal adult for those asking of my age. I am safe and my wound mostly healed.
  2. I empathize largely with you. I never fit in anywhere myself and feel like people dislike me from before getting to know me. I also have tons of family issues. I almost cried reading this. I believe you probably are a great person despite everything, but what i think might be the problem, it isn't you, but maybe you're making loose connections and/or the wrong connections with the wrong people. I also suggest do not give up on finding therapy and be cautious on talking about how you feel with just anyone especially these people you are trying to get to know. Talk to a licensed professional about the ways you are feeling; not to people you want to get to know and people you want to get to know you. I say this because for one being too personal in the beginning before you can build trust with the person you're trying to connect to can sometimes come off distasteful or even a bit overwhelming. I know because I used to do this, it also comes off distrustful. it comes off that way because when people see that you have no friends or no one to confide in they really do think something is wrong with you. i know its annoying because i actually dont think theres anything wrong with you, you just want a friend, a bond. I relate to this so much! When getting to know people have your boundaries on what is or isn't okay for you, be intuitive, be open in sharing basic things about yourself and be interesting, engage with care, love, and positive vibes. Also, another huge thing that i know is so hard! DO NOT COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS!!!!!!!! You say you see the same people you tried to connect with connect so well with others. And while that may be true, it may also not be true. I used to do this allllllll the time until I saw that they really weren't close as i thought or people have things that they keep to themselves or only share with certain other people. It's a spectrum really, how we interact differently with people. I have way more to add but I'll leave with this. i hope this helps and makes sense! Please message me if you actually want to take in what i said and want more advice or someone to talk to. I really do in some way understand what you are trying to say here.
  3. For one, move out ASAP! but actually I want you to know you are smart and strong for understanding that what your mom is doing isnt right AT ALL. I can feel your anger and frustration from where i am. She seems like a narcissist and is trying to project false guilt onto you. You are catching on, but because of your entire life tormented by her you think somehow it might not be true, but no, do not let your mother gaslight you into thinking youre insane for feeling and thinking what you do. She sounds like a headache, I'm sorry to say. I to deal with a narcissist for a mother and it isn't a walk in the park. Please do not condition yourself into thinking that what your mother is doing is normal because it is not! It is beyond hurtful and to be honest lets just say ANNOYING! It's evil what she said to you about your grandmother. my mother likes to use my father as an example saying he never wanted me and etc. It's not okay for parents to use other family members as a way to assign blame for their own shi tty behavior and makes us feel guilty on top of that. I also suggest on top of moving out, is seeking therapy! I know that all this must be hard to deal with and you can't do this alone. Please talk to someone because trying to explain this to your mother is self harm for yourself because she wont understand. I hope everything works out!
  4. I haven't written in DF for a long time. I was living my life for once and wasn't letting depression get the best of me. Not to say if you're on DF you aren't living your life. For me, coming on to DF is like letting depression win for some odd reason. It's like accepting that I have a mental illness is really hard for me. It actually shames me. It's like when i go through something traumatic or just something simply difficult I can't just move on with my life. I end up being a complete wreck! Well let me start to say I'm in a completely different time of my life. I don't want to get into to it so much because then this will be like 10 pages long. I got assaulted yet again from a person who claims to care about me. I couldn't go to the police or the hospital. I have a wound to the head that could use medical attention, but for that would of course involve the police. This person is dangerous to my life. To make it worse, this person is my mother's boyfriend and knowing my mother, she will always choose his side. She will think I asked for it or did something to deserve it like always. He is always influencing me to do bad things but she doesn't see it that way. She actually sees it the other way around. That I make him do things he's not supposed to do. She's been this way ever since I was a child. Always being creepy by choosing her boyfriends over her children and what not. She blames me for everything and is just mad at the boyfriend, but the real anger is at me. I at first didn't understand or think this, but it became clear to me once I contemplated that I couldn't tell her what he did to me. Right now she's on vacation and the same day she left he did this. I would tell you what happen to lead up to why he assaulted me, but it doesn't matter because he is WRONG I tell you. I'm trying to think of something to get over what has happened to me and I know staying silent will only make what happened grow. I'm just... so terrified and I don't want to be alive to be honest. This world is so evil and I promise there's more to my story than just this assault and him and my mom. It's just this this world is so evil and i'm not saying I'm an angel, but i don't want to do this anymore. Being here alive is like being in hell. I haven't met another being in this universe who understands me or connects to me. I'm doubting if i ever will because once I think i do, the person ends up betraying me like the rest including my very own family... What does a girl who has been ridiculed, abused, shamed, betrayed, lied to, and etc do to survive in this world? I don't want to only survive, I want to want to live.
  5. @ovalbugmann its not about who has it worse. I myself am on the verge of being homeless. In fact I am, but there’s better ways to look at the situation.
  6. How worthless I still am to other people, but not to myself... no matter how much I put myself out there for guys and actually being intimate with them and they still ignore me.. I want an intimate relationship but its hard to do that when im putting in 90%. I feel used, i feel lied to, i feel tired, i feel not good enough for others.
  7. This may seem like life is just weighing so much on you, but I promise God is never signaling to just “slit your throat”.. annoying things happen at the worst times too. I just would love for you to try a different healthier way of looking at how things are going for you.
  8. Okay as a person who has never had a relationship but has dealt with depression and suicidal idealation all my life I can empathize with you. You want to be sure of yourself first. You must have yourself as a priority. You must not put value on what others think of you. Know your likes and dislikes. Know yourself first. Then show yourself to others without getting into your personal business. (Trust me. You will open up about this later when you develop a connection and care for each other). For one, in the beginning I know you want to come off clean with what you been through, but dont. No matter what people always get too scared and see your truama instead of YOU. Then when you develop more when you are seeing each other more let them in a little more, but thats if your comfortable with it and if the person is also doing the same.
  9. I thought I was the only one to do this.. I used to love someone who didnt love me back and they just disappeared and fell in love with someone else. For monthssss I would have pretend conversations with them. You miss your crush is all. And you wish you got to fulfill your desires with them. You wish they were still there with you. I dont want to come off harsh, but now that I’m in a different place than from before, I can tell you its a delusion that you shouldnt indulge in too much. I mean there isnt much control you can have over it tbh. You’ll stop doing it later on..it takes a lot of time. Well for me it did. I wish you the best
  10. @caring2018 Yes.. when you're in a dark place it's hard to find your way around bad decisions. For me it's hard to talk to people about what I'm thinking or feeling because they treat you differently or don't understand, even if they mean well.. if that helps you then I'm glad you found your outlet yo release you emotions..
  11. @sabiflitch I for one do not see you as a bad person. We all have things we aren't proud of. Some of us try to correct those wrongs. And then there's some who don't notice what they do is wrong. Just because you are honest and own up to it doesn't make you worse then the next person. As for your alcoholism, take it one day at time. All you can promise is for the right here in the now. You can't really promise to stop drinking for a certain amount of time or for the rest of your life.. It's something that you can try to control for the moment. Dreaming that your boyfriend is cheating on you? Plus having low self esteem? And you say you look how at how people see you? There's a lot of perception going on with you and I think you should ask yourself the things you put value to, are they adding positive things into your life for you to do more positive.. Hmm like if valuing those dreams of your boyfriend cheating on you adding up with everything else for you to realize he is or is it just something that you've been dreaming and cynical of..? How do you really know how people see you? I too do this where I see how people see me.. Do you see it in their eyes like I do? I think those situations are affecting how you are viewing yourself, plus the things you've done/been through in life. I'm not going to get into the whole build your confidence because I think you already know that. You're smart. You got this. I'm rooting for you.
  12. @JonathanP Gosh, I love your reply.. I think you really truly understood what I tried to say here, so thank you. Sorry that I'm responding late, but as I said I will be here on and off for my sake. And about the MDMA thing, I hope you have a firm grip on that situation.. I'm glad you are experiencing what life has to offer, but I also hope you're not repeatedly doing things that can harm you..
  13. @Sophy Yes! I agree, rules have to be broken once in awhile.. Some rules are right to be placed, but I don't see it as rules, more so a moral to follow..? I also try not to look up symptoms and such because I believe it doesn't help me figure myself out. I think it actually rips me from feeling my feelings and processing the person i'm experiencing by trying to search for a label on what to call myself. I do believe mental illness is a very real thing and shouldn't be ignored. That's why finding a good trustworthy doctor is important as much as it is hard. Thank you for your input
  14. @Wizardwarrior315 I understand what you are trying to tell me and I agree. Somethings aren't worth it.. however your situation with drinking too much free soda differs from me lying to another person.. Luckily, we can both lessen doing things that harm us (and for me: lessen harming others) and change for the better. Thanks for your reply
  15. I have a ton of questions to ask but this stuck out to me most of all. Why would you want people to see you as a bad person?
  16. I haven’t written or came back to DF in so long. I think I needed a break because I felt as though coming on this site is just telling myself you are depressed and youre not okay because this is a site for people to go to when they need that little extra oomf. So I will start to come here and there just for my sake. It is hard to not come on here because I know these dark thoughts are lingering waiting for the moment life is working for me to attack me. I can’t let that happen especially now that I’m 18 and I need to be able to handle myself and I cant do that with depression. I’m not as strong as I seem is what I’m trying to say.. In the mean time that I’ve been gone I’ve made some bad decisions. To the point where I feel guilty. I joined tinder and met some interesting people. I’m kind of stuck in a love triangle. I met both of them (seprate occasions) and we gotten touchy. It just feels wrong in the back of my mind and I want to make the right decision for once because as of lately I keep being selfish. Karma has not been easy on my either and I know there’s worse to come.. On top of the all the things I’m dealing with I still somehow find ways to add on to the pile willingly. Im scared I’m leading things into my life that can prevented, but this rush I feel of doing things I’m not supposed to do is taking the wheel and driving for me.. I’m not really asking for advice for this forum because I think at this point I’m doing whatever feels right. I’m stubborn, so if I set my mind to something there’s no stopping me.. Have any of you taken any risks like I have been? Have any of you found solace in doing what feels right even if it’s selfish? Have any of you been trying something new to feel anything new as of lately? Whats something that you should regret that you dont? Has making these bad decisions been the best thing you’ve done in your life for awhile?
  17. Im curious as to why you are comparing your situation to ******s? Not implying that youre a M***** or anything, but just really wondering because it is interesting comparison. Usually people would conpare their lives to people they admire or stan. I too can understand ******s and not have a hate for them, but in my opinion M***** can be inexcusable if it was done just for sport and not for defense. Defense I would think is the only excuse for M***** for me.
  18. The cure is to just be and flow with thought. Do not force happiness nor try to force a different perspective. When you let things flow it allows natural growth. You’ll soon understand your thought it takes time to process. Get to know your deep thought not run away from them.
  19. Question: What is wrong with me? Answer: I’m way to angry when I speak to people because of how I talk and the things that I say. This then makes people who already dont like me in their head now finally admit that they dont like me because of what i said to them.
  20. I of course relate to this. Its scary thinking that my consciousness was ripped away from the void and put into flesh to live and then die. You aren’t alone in asking these questions. Im sure we all want to know, but I guess everyone just we all know that this life is a mystery, but we cannot let it hinder us from living our lives to the fullest.
  21. This is great! I’m glad you and your daughter are able to bond well and that she could help by understanding you.
  22. Dude.. I relate to the situation with your mom so much. My mom has dated some terrible men who have done terrible things to her, me, and my other sibilings. I have lost my respect and shown my anger towards her. I know I’m wrog for disrespecting her but has no one noticed the traumatic things she made me go through that made me like this? It’s because I’m worthless to others. Whatever bad thing that happens to me is justified, but god forbid if I do something wrong to somebody else. Anyways, I also understand your situation with looking a certain way and having everyone make fun of you for it. It made me hate myself and think I had to die. What I really want to tell you is don’t let what your mom does in her life reflect how youre going to live yours. Please cherish your mother as well because I wish I had. Never give up on her and that also includes yourself. You’ve been through a lot that has just been put on you out of your control. I understand your anger, its just not worth all the other baggage that comes with it.
  23. With my experience of depression it causes me to lose interest, have low self esteem, and idealize suicide. It also makes it hard for me to think and concentrate. It has also made my sleep schedule messed up. Theres not a day where I don’t stare in the mirror without disgust. The things that happen, I am not ok with. Im so not ok with that I want to die and say terrible things about myself and other people. Im useless in my sense which makes others do the same to me. Which inturn makes me hate them too. So just a long cycle of hate.
  24. Okay what ever works best for you! I just really hope you can work things out so you can live your best life
  25. Today I was too weak and lazy to get ready for school. I stayed home. Im already pessimistic about today. I make a ton of risks today. Stealing from stores. Driving under the influence. Yelling and disrespecting close people. What have I become? How could a life make me so insane? How could I make so many resent me? To ask these questions makes me want to **** myself. I’m sitting outside and my bag is open right in front of me. Being alive is k i l l i n g me. Am i wrong to just not want to be here anymore? Im not going to make this about suicide. Im just really going through it. It never gets easier. I expected that. I want to be strong enough. Strong enough to get through what life throws at me. I am the worst daughter and sister. Im such a needy, annoying friend. I am a rude Biotch. The world would function just fine if I don’t exist. I don’t know my place in the world. I’m literally unwanted every where I go that I don’t even want myself. Today is confirmation. Today is clearing the air. Today is telling me I am useless. Today is pushing me to understand myself. Today was torture like any other day. Today I realize I am worthless for sure. Today adds to evidence that anyone who hasnt loved me was right to do so. Today is a nightmare I’m living. Today I am homeless. Today I breathe. Today I sit outside with 12% left on my phone speaking to other people on these forums for the same reason I am. Today I write to anyone willing to read this. I write to you: my short-comings, my fears, my struggles, my feelings, my thoughts, my experience (that 7 billion other people experienced differently). I’m writing from the soul to tell each of you I’m never going to give up. I’m breathing 1-10 and repeat. I’m angry and I’m here in the now, alive. I hope to inspire and become an empath for others. “Don’t underesitmate me! I dont quit and I don’t lose!” -NU
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