pervenche

I'm sorry for how long and self-centered that post is. I have never in my life told a single person, not even therapists, any of that. I feel such an unbelievable sense of relief getting it out and reading some of your posts here, knowing that I am not the only one out there who has this. Thank you!

Hi all - I'm new to this forum and I'm so glad I've found it because wow, all of the sudden I am not alone. I have been plagued by these obsessions since I was a kid. The first one was with a young actress about my age, when I was about 12. She was in a big blockbuster movie, and I became obsessed. Not sexually or romantically, I just wanted to *be* her, or at least be her best friend. I was struggling in my life (as pretty much all 12 year olds do!), being ugly and awkward, my parents divorcing, doing badly in school, having no friends. I had wanted to be an actress before this, but seeing someone my age doing it for real, who was everything I wanted to be, just sparked some kind of obsession. It was before the internet, so I would immediately go to the magazine aisle whenever grocery shopping with my mom and comb through the magazines for photos of her. I would stare at photos of her for hours and scrutinize every aspect of her appearance. I tried to get my mom to buy me clothes that resembled hers. I fantasized about ways I could possibly meet her and we would be best friends and she would help me get into movies too. When reality intruded and I had moments when I realized that this was all completely ridiculous and would never happen, I would fall into a terrible depression. I eventually grew out of it and as I got older, I would get new obsessions, which became more romantic or sexual in nature. An actor from a particular movie would occupy my mind for a year or so, during which time I would fall into the same pattern - spending hours and hours searching the internet for any photos or news or anything I could get my hands on about this person. I'd fantasize about meeting him, how I could make it happen, and get deeply depressed when I realized it would never happen. Then eventually the obsession would fade away, and I would be free for a time, until seeing another movie or TV show suddenly sparked a new one. At one point, in my early 20s, I got a job that could possibly (not likely, but still possible) put me into the path of famous people, and all I could think about was whether today I might run across my current obsession and whether he would be interested in me (my obsessions were always lesser-known actors, not big names, usually older, and at the time, I was young and rather beautiful so it wouldn't have been utterly impossible - I hope this doesn't sound too incredibly egotistical!). During all this time, I got a degree from a famous university, studied in another country, had a few boyfriends, and I worked hard to keep these obsessions secret. I would be absolutely mortified if anyone had a clue what was going on in my mind. To this day, not a soul knows about any of it. But it took a mental toll, because I'd get irritable when distracted from thinking about Current Obsession, and I'd get terribly depressed when I came down from the high and crashed into the reality of This Will Never Happen, your real life and real self is boring, dull, ugly and always will be. As I got older, I started to become more self-aware and understanding of the patterns. I could see and tell myself "OK, this is not going to last, you know how this goes, just get through it until it fades." I got married and then finally got onto medication for my depression. After going on Zoloft, these obsessions basically stopped, or would become 95% less intense, more like trivial interests than obsessions. But....I've now gone off the Zoloft and all of the sudden, I've been hit with another one. It is intruding terribly into my life. I have a husband and children and my own business, but all I can think about is this absurd obsession. For the first time, I'm wondering how deeply these are connected to depression and medication. Has anyone had a similar experience?