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Logan Sims

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About Logan Sims

  • Birthday 02/05/2003

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  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    I never belonged anywhere
  • Interests
    Ending my life if happiness and God continue to ignore my struggles

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  1. In my experience it's because I'm the only person I usually have to talk to. The only person who understands. None of the typical people out there want anything to do with me and never will. Even if they did they'll turn around real quick when they see the demons.
  2. That's pretty much how I feel. I feel like my Mother lets me stay because she's guilty that I'm mentally ill. Otherwise I'm pretty sure my ass would be to the curb. Aside from my immediate family everyone else has died or they have no desire to contact me.
  3. I’ve lost a lot of weight since I was sick earlier this year. I went from 205 to 175 just because I felt fat and forced myself to eat at a caloric deficit. I look better but nobody seems to care about that but me. I don’t have anyone interested in me after losing 40 pounds and that feels incredibly discouraging. There’s a girl at work who talks to me rarely and I wish I could get her to like me. It won’t happen though. I’m balding and my being on the spectrum is a guaranteed turn off for most girls. Even if I had abs I know I wouldn’t be much to look at. Being ripped doesn’t make me fun to talk to either. Not sure what to do anymore. Speech therapy so people won’t hear one sentence from me and want to hang themselves? Exercise so people won’t vomit on sight of me? I’m trying to make myself appealing. Nobody cares
  4. Everything ending sounds like the least of my problems. That’s the huge issue. I’m 19. I’ve been miserable for 10 years. No amount of counseling or therapy seems to be able to change that. I’m not willing to wait until I’m 50 with hardly anytime left to just suddenly be happy. I’m not willing to wait for the next phase I just want to end the one I’m in. Therapists don’t care about me anyways. I’m on the autism spectrum and I’m a man so I’m almost certain they place me at the bottom of all of their lists. Nothing keeps me happy so I know I’ve been running on borrowed time since I lost my grandfather. Nobody is going to help or save me regardless of how much I wish I could just be fixed. But I’m not everyone else. I’m me and that alone is probably the biggest problem of all. I’m me and I’m alone in that. Nobody can ever really understand me, not even me and I just want to disappear. People generally don’t want me anywhere I go. I don’t want me either but I’m not allowed to get rid of me. Its unfair and I just want to end it
  5. Everywhere I go I haven’t really had any luck meeting people. I’ve got one friend and he’s becoming more and more busy watching his son. One of my molars shattered last Monday. When I was home with swollen gums my boss was the only person from work who bothered to text me. But then this text message wasn’t to check on me. Only to ask when I’d be back and to let me know that if I wasn’t back by Monday that I would be terminated. Generally nobody really seems to care about me. If they do then it’s tragic. There are so many people who want me gone, but none more than me. I have no passion for anything and I want to die. I don’t want to keep trying. I don’t want to keep looking for a job that I’ll enjoy. Regardless I’ll sweat and toil for nothing until I croak. 10 years since I lost my grandfather and it hasn’t really gotten better. Gave up on trying to make friends. Not sure why I’m even typing this. I’m just ready to die. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m tired of waking up every morning as me. I have nothing to offer and I have no ambition. I’m a disappointment and most of the population won’t notice I’m gone. So in the grand scheme of things it will never matter what happens to me
  6. I used to be in counseling a year or two back. I haven't been since. My latest pursuit is to get blood labs done to see if I have hypothyroidism. My mother tells me it's likely why I have little energy, why I'm usually depressed, why I'm balding so young and that I'll lose some weight I've been wanting to lose if I need hypothyroidism meds. I look forward to that, but not much else lately.
  7. I try to think that I'm okay. That I'm worth dating. But I just can't see it anymore. I'm tall, and girls like that. But I'm also balding and chubby. So physically I'm not really much to write home about. I'm usually more of a doormat when it comes to relationships. I don't usually take charge and I usually just kind of go along with what the girl in a relationship says. So I'm not really attractive when it comes to "being a man". I'm not sure what to do at this point. I'm at a point now where I can't see myself being loved. Let alone getting married someday. Even if I did the girl I marry would probably get tired of me and divorce me anyways. I'm just not relationship material I guess. Problem is I want to be in love and get married more than pretty much anything. But I'm not attractive in anyway except for my height. So happy early corporate love holiday I guess...
  8. My girlfriend dumped me this past day. We weren't together super long. Almost 2 months. I look at the gifts she got me and I just can't help but hold back tears. She talked like she wanted to stay with me for a while. Then she was "busy" and would more or less spend time with her friends instead of me. She's bisexual and broke up with me over text, telling me that she's more into girls lately. I just don't know why I'm not good enough. Why I'll never be able to find the one no matter how hard I try. I don't hate anybody in the LGBT community. But I find it incredibly difficult to find a loyal girlfriend. A decent chunk of girls I've dated have been bisexual. It just makes me more insecure and paranoid because that gives me twice the competition. Lately I don't know what to do. I've been quarantined. There haven't been too many people to miss me or even care that I'm missing from school. So I guess that kind of gives a projection of what the world would be like without me... I don't think I'll be able to find a woman to marry who would actually want to be with me forever. I just turned 18 a week ago and this is what my first week in adulthood has been like.. Pretty much the same as the past almost 10 years. I just wish I could disappear.
  9. Lately I'm pretty stressed and worried about a lot of things. I'm worried about the state of the world. I'm worried that nobody really understands me. I'm worried that everyone who loves me now will cease to in the future and I'll just be left abandoned and alone. I turn 18 next Friday. I'm not sure whether to be happy or devastated. My childhood went by fast but I feel as though I was forced to grow up far earlier than my soon to be first year of adulthood. The last two days of school I stayed home sick. My Mother works at an assisted living facility and brought home a test kit for me last night. According to the kit I tested positive for COVID-19. My Mother told me she wasn't going to take me to get an official test. It would just derail what those close to me have going on. I wanted to recover this weekend so I could see my girlfriend on Monday at the latest. She's usually busy and due to this she usually can't even respond to text messages I send her.. I love her. But especially now it hurts that she's so busy all the time. She says we'll be able to hang out for my birthday next weekend, but I'm unsure if she'll be free or if I'll be out of quarantine by then. The last time we hung out she asked if I wanted to meet one of her friends. I said yes. It was a dumb decision on my part because for most of the rest of that day I just felt like I was a fourth wheel to her friend and his cousin. I don't dislike them, they're nice people, but I just get jealous and I have a lot of trouble sharing her with people. Especially when I'm lucky to get one day with her to myself a week. And I know that there are times when she isn't busy that she spends with her friends instead of me. I'm not upset at her for it. But it makes me wonder why I'm not good enough. Why I'm not deserving of most of the time she has to spare. I only have her and one guy friend who is also usually busy. So now I'm here in quarantine with nobody to talk to. Since I'm sick I'm an outcast in my own home since I'm the only one who tested positive. I've always felt alone in my life. But this is the real deal. This is truly the loneliest I've ever felt in my life. This is kind of a simulation as to what the world would be like without me. I don't exist except for on the internet until I get out of quarantine. Maybe it's better this way. I'm not sure if anyone will even miss me. Out of sight out of mind as they say. My girlfriend will have things to do and other people besides me to care about. So I'll be little more than an afterthought. She says she already misses me but I wonder if that's really true. She has so many people besides me that I'm worried if she'll even remember to text me. I'm not sure if I've ever struggled with my sense of self-worth more than I have this month. This time in quarantine will feel like a sort of trial. A trial to see if anyone would really miss me if I just up and disappeared...
  10. Thank you. This comment really resonated with me. Hopefully tomorrow will go by fast. I've tried quite a bit to receive signs from God. Sadly the most I've ever had was a baptism. Some people in my family say that they can be spoken to by God or receive signs from him. I've had no such luck and I don't really know how I'm meant to deal with that. It seems like everyone else just gets it but I'm the dud who can't feel any of it.
  11. I just spent a decent time at my Aunt and Uncle's house. Tomorrow I will be going to my Girlfriend's house to spend time with her. But Sunday, apparently my Mom has already decided for me that I am going to some random church in a city I've only been to a few times. I'm 17. I'm going into my senior year. To be honest. I'm freaking terrified of being around people my age. Mainly because I've had friend groups earlier in High School that have all turned on me. I believe in God. But it's been kind of a rough journey for me because I lost my Grandfather when I was 8 and it's been really hard to trust God after that. Now all of a sudden my Mom wants to force me to go to some church I've never been to where I'm sure all the people there will be all friendly even though I know full well they're all judging me behind the smiles. I'm 17 and I'm balding. I'm a generally awkward person and nobody on Earth really has a reason to like me. The fact that I have a girlfriend honestly kinda blows my mind, because I'm an absolute loser. I don't really have any friends besides her. I just really don't look forward to this. I don't like meeting new people. As soon as I walk into a room I can already feel the judgement. I've also already had a bad church experience. I feel like any new eyes that look upon me are eyes that are apart of somebody who already hates me or severely dislikes me. I don't know what to do.
  12. Pretty much past the point of not showing my depression. People can see it in the way I walk and how quiet I am. I only talk about my feelings to a few people outside of this forum. I don't think I'd ever go to a men's forum. It sounds like I'd be asking to be called a *****.
  13. I'm pretty sure I'm one of the biggest outcasts at my school. I don't know why I even try to live anymore. I'm literally a useless waste of space.
  14. At this point I'm not even sure if there really is a fun part. I hate my life plain and simple. Everytime I'm honest with my parents they make me feel bad or don't say anything to help at all. I don't know why I try anymore. Elementary school was awful, middle school was awful, high school was awful. In all honesty, my entire life has been a cesspool of anger, frustration, and sadness. I'm a junior. I still have this year and next year. It honestly feels never-ending. I'm not like most people. Because to be honest. Almost nothing makes me happy. I've been miserable since I lost my grandfather almost 8 years ago. But the one thing that brought me some genuine happiness over those years, was having a romantic and intimate relationship with someone I could actually connect with. But nothing else keeps me happy. And on top of everything, I have a huge fear of nuclear war which seems like it could start any year with tensions with North Korea and the middle east. So sometimes I wonder what the point of making progress is if I wind up being blown away like everyone else when the world goes to war for the last time. I'm honestly in such a deep pit. Nothing can really help. I just wish I had the strength to end my life so I didn't have to live through any more of this...
  15. It doesn't take a genius to take one look at me and notice that lady love has not been kind to me in the slightest. I asked two girls out last week and I got rejected by both of them. Everyday is stressful and lonely to a point where I honestly wonder why I even live anymore. Suicidal thoughts go back and forth through my mind all the time anymore. Counseling hasn't helped. A helpline won't help. These things only postpone the inevitable. I'm gonna die alone anyways while I watch everyone else be happy with their significant other. My home school's principal came in and gave announcements about homecoming at the career center and it made an already awful week even worse. All in one month I have 9/11 to depress me ( I didn't lose anyone in 9/11, but it's anniversary makes me feel horrible all the same), my grandpa died on the 20th in 2011 and I miss him like crazy, and now on top of all this shit, I have to think about how lonely and unsuccessful I am when it comes to finding a soulmate. Thanks a lot Mr. Principal... I was alone for the last homecoming too. Some people say that having a significant other is just the cherry on the top. For me it's a necessity because I feel so alone all the time. I have a few friends, but I don't really have a steady support group because my family can't really help even if they wanted to and the friends I do have will probably ditch them because I'm too depressing. I know it's hard for a girlfriend to deal with too, but I know for a fact I wouldn't be sad all the time if I had a girlfriend. I might even be happier, because lately the root of my sadness seems to be coming from being a single loser. If getting a girlfriend doesn't help and I'm still upset after that, I might as well just **** myself after she breaks up with me. Everyday I lie to my parents about how I had a good day at school. Nothing is good. I just put on a facade so I don't have to talk about it with my Mom, because she treats me like an idiot sometimes when I tell her what's bothering me. No offense to any of you here, but sometimes I wish I would just make my last post here and just stab, shoot, or hang myself. I'm really tired of life and the sadness it brings.
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