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squishykitty

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  1. Hey, everyone. I'm new here. Dunno if I'm posting to the right place. I apologize if I am. I felt like I needed people to talk to without feeling like I was burdening them, disappointing them, and making them angry/annoyed, like I have been with everyone around me.... It might be rather long, but I would appreciate it if you guys let me let it all out on here..... regardless if anyone even bothers reading/replying.... About 2-3 years ago, I was diagnosed with MDD (major depressive disorder) and general anxiety. My psychiatrist tells me my depression seems to be bipolar. If I think back on it, I have had severe depression ever since my childhood days. Now it seems that any "symptoms" of depression are just normal parts of my natural personality and day to day life. However, I have been struggling a lot to maintain a "normal" lifestyle. I tried all sorts of medications for two years straight until I was totally exhausted from dealing with all the endless cycles of side effects and no marked improvement in depression. I took a break for the last several months until I relapsed significantly and crawled back to my psychiatrist. I have trouble sleeping and regular sleep aid does nothing to me (melatonin, antihistamines, common sleep hygiene). I am currently taking Ambien and if I even skip a dose, I fail to sleep well or at all. Previously, I have been on Remeron (mirtazapine) and trazodone until they stopped working. I also underwent cognitive behavior therapy during the time I was on meds, and I have to say, it did not help at all. I do not trust people easily and I found I could not cooperate well with such pointless discussions. My depression is the kind where I mostly feel nothing/am blank and it's like anhedonia. Before, I used to get stressed about the fact I felt nothing but now, I simply could care less. I have absolutely given up on everything. I am not living but I am not dying. I am not suicidal nor do I engage in self harm, but I have come very close to enacting a plan right before I stopped trying meds. I am currently in my sixth year of undergrad college and my graduation keeps getting pushed further and further back as I go to less and less classes. This semester, I am only taking two classes and yet, I have not attended either for three weeks, nor turned in a paper that was due a week and a half ago. The only thing I feel is extreme guilt for being a waste of tuition money and a general failure to my family who understandably expects me to graduate ASAP, get a stable job, and help out with our difficult financial situation. With my father being the main source of the little money we have, the fact that his health is failing puts an unbearable pressure over me 24/7. Childish as it may seem, I often resent the fact that I was not born into a financially comfortable or outright wealthy family. It also doesn't help that currently, I do not have health insurance and am paying out of pocket for everything. I used to work part time for four years but quit as part of the "plan" from before. I lay in bed all day, I have been talking less and less both in person and online. I often regularly outright ignore messages nowadays. It just takes so much effort and it all seems pointless. I used to love watching shows/movies and playing video games but it takes so much to even turn on the computer to do these things. When I finally manage to engage in these activities, I am fully aware the whole time that these are momentary distractions with no true value, fleeting and wasted moments. I know I have nothing but myself to blame. My own poor choices led me here, and now, I can't even bring myself to make simple decisions, both out of fear and out of simply not caring anymore. Someone gives me a choice between water or juice? I simply don't answer, then they get annoyed and angry, and I just blankly stare at them. I think even my psychiatrist was upset with me today for being mute when it came to deciding my next appointment (I also didn't end up even physically showing up to today's appointment).... Lately, despite my knowledge that I am being immature, I seem to have decided that I am done with being an adult, with responsibilities. I am so weary on every level of existence. I uncaringly accept that I am being lazy, selfish, childish. I have long since lost all hope, motivation, dreams, and even desperation. My psychiatrist wants to restart the trials of meds but I want to scream into the void. I feel certain at this point, that this isn't even real depression, I must be faking it out of laziness, and therefore, there is no "cure." Even if it is "real," it is untreatable. People ask, "Well, what do you WANT, then?" Doesn't matter what I want or don't want, the reality is that the world goes on and time goes by and your wants/needs are meaningless and insignificant. Once again, I apologize for the long ramble, but I chose not to sleep tonight and late nights are a bad time.
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