Jump to content

Scribbler17

Just Registered
  • Posts

    4
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by Scribbler17

  1. This is really difficult and kind of embarrassing, but I figured I would see if there's anyone who has any input, and perhaps my story can help the above posters if it resonates? I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through, because I've been there, I have. Two years ago my major depressive symptoms started in graduate school. It was everything you're all probably familiar with: weight loss, insomnia, anhedonia, bouts of suicidal ideation. As a coping mechanism, I became very invested in a TV series, specifically in a romantic relationship between two of the characters. I started to even write fanfiction stories and publish them and it was and still is a very enjoyable and a creative release for me, not to mention it was a source of productivity during a time when getting out of bed was difficult. This isn't unusual for me because I've had fangirlish tendencies before, however it was always at a normal level that could be balanced with my other responsibilities and my relationships. Anyways, because I was incredibly depressed, this investment became the only happy sphere I had. That's not an exaggeration: the only time I ever felt excited was when I was either watching or writing. I started to follow the cast of this show closely on social media as well, which was also new for me to do. That caused me to develop a very unhealthy attachment to the actors that play the characters I love, particularly the main lead. What started as a celebrity crush has escalated into something beyond my control. During this time, he started a new relationship with someone and I just can't help feeling upset about this. Yes, it sounds like a classic projection and jealousy problem, but he was in a relationship before and I had no problem with his partner then. I still love and follow his ex and she seems like a hardworking, talented, and socially aware person. Meanwhile his current partner mocks his fans and his work and has posted some ignorant and racist things, so that could be part of the reason why it bothers me so much that he's with her. Then again, if I'm admitting this to myself, I think the real reason is that I can't separate him from his character who I guess I fell in love with during an incredibly painful time and depended on as an escape. But the even deeper reason is that his current partner isn't even in the industry, she's just a regular old person who works as a healthcare professional, and since that is what I aspired to be before I fell apart, it's like this stings even more. I compare myself to this woman I've never met, as if I could have that. And it hurts because everything she has, a healthy family, an incredible career, a relationship, etc is all stuff I don't have, and she's not even a celebrity so I see what she has as achievable and as something I should have achieved, and I think that's the true culprit behind my discomfort with all of this, is that I'm not happy with myself or my family or my situation. My depression initially emerged because I started to tie my worth to whether or not I could achieve my goal of becoming a healthcare professional, and I was self-sabotaging and avoiding actually applying and taking the proper steps I needed to do and working to the best of my abilities. I come from a large immediate family with a lot of siblings that's pretty dysfunctional and abusive and I'm sure there's a genetic component to all of this because my brother also has a mental health problem and both my parents show signs of depression and anxiety, especially in light of war in their home country. I did manage to finish graduate school on a strong note (for a separate but related degree), even though that's when my depression was at its worst. I still don't really know how I graduated, but I did. When I moved back home, I started seeing a psychiatrist and taking medication and working part-time for my dad just to give me something to do where the pressure and anxiety of a "real" job were off my shoulders. I did this while trying to muster the courage to begin preparation for the admissions test I need to take. Some things improved during this time, sure. I do think the SSRIs helped in certain areas, while in others not so much, but like what I can't stand is that ultimately I still am so bothered by this infatuation and still cannot let it go. I figured after medication, things would be better, but that's not the case. When I found out this person was getting engaged, I legit vomited. Yes, I know that's insane and crazy, but I obviously couldn't help that. And the easy and logical thing to do would be to put distance between myself and him, but I am still very much dependent on this for a shroud of happiness, even after medication. I can't help it: the household is just too turbulent, and I'm stuck here for now, and unfortunately the identity of the scapegoat/punching bag always seem to find me in all my relationships, with my parents, with my siblings, with my best friends, so I still retreat into my world of fiction and writing and that is always going to be tied to this actor. He's getting married soon and I don't even know if I'm going to be able to handle that. I am too humiliated by this that I can't even bring it up to my psychiatrist. I don't know, she thinks too highly of me and sees too much potential in me that I shudder to think of her learning I let something so shallow and silly and mortifying be eating me up on the inside. Plus I know her solution will be to just keep my head down and throw myself into my preparation for this admissions exam, which I have been doing, but it's just all so messy and inconsistent and my destructive mindset is starting to take over again. I don't know. I guess I'm curious to know what anyone has to offer. Dating isn't really an option because I have a really small comfort zone and I just can't imagine being in a relationship right now when I need to get my own act together first.
  2. Thank you for that Natasha! It is a long thread, but I will post my story there as well.
  3. I definitely understand this perspective. Unfortunately though, I don't know if I'm innocent. I find myself actively wishing this relationship will end, and because I have a blogging platform where I have been publishing my writing, sometimes I angrily express my disapproval of it in a public forum that people can read. I never send these comments directly to the actor and his partner however. But yeah, I do have trouble keeping my thoughts to myself as times. This is very valid and a helpful reminder that we all need at times, I agree. I do tend to draw conclusions from public appearances and social media often. Your words are not worthless! You are kind enough to have shared your experience with me and if I helped you with my words, that maybe all of this will have been worth it. Thank you for your reply and for your healing energy, Epictetus! It means a lot to me.
  4. Hi everyone! This is my first time posting on here even though I used to browse forums from search engines occasionally. This is really difficult and kind of embarrassing, but I figured I would see if there's anyone who has any input. Two years ago my major depressive symptoms started in graduate school. It was everything you're all probably familiar with: weight loss, insomnia, anhedonia, bouts of suicidal ideation. As a coping mechanism, I became very invested in a TV series, specifically in a romantic relationship between two of the characters. I started to even write fanfiction stories and publish them and it was and still is a very enjoyable and a creative release for me, not to mention it was a source of productivity during a time when getting out of bed was difficult. This isn't unusual for me because I've had fangirlish tendencies before, however it was always at a normal level that could be balanced with my other responsibilities and my relationships. Anyways, because I was incredibly depressed, this investment became the only happy sphere I had. That's not an exaggeration: the only time I ever felt excited was when I was either watching or writing. I started to follow the cast of this show closely on social media as well, which was also new for me to do. That caused me to develop a very unhealthy attachment to the actors that play the characters I love, particularly the main lead. What started as a celebrity crush has escalated into something beyond my control. During this time, he started a new relationship with someone and I just can't help feeling upset about this. Yes, it sounds like a classic projection and jealousy problem, but he was in a relationship before and I had no problem with his partner then. I still love and follow his ex and she seems like a hardworking, talented, and socially aware person. Meanwhile his current partner mocks his fans and his work and has posted some ignorant and racist things, so that could be part of the reason why it bothers me so much that he's with her. Then again, if I'm admitting this to myself, I think the real reason is that I can't separate him from his character who I guess I fell in love with during an incredibly painful time and depended on as an escape. But the even deeper reason is that his current partner isn't even in the industry, she's just a regular old person who works as a healthcare professional, and since that is what I aspired to be before I fell apart, it's like this stings even more. I compare myself to this woman I've never met, as if I could have that. And it hurts because everything she has, a healthy family, an incredible career, a relationship, etc is all stuff I don't have, and she's not even a celebrity so I see what she has as achievable and as something I should have achieved, and I think that's the true culprit behind my discomfort with all of this, is that I'm not happy with myself or my family or my situation. My depression initially emerged because I started to tie my worth to whether or not I could achieve my goal of becoming a healthcare professional, and I was self-sabotaging and avoiding actually applying and taking the proper steps I needed to do and working to the best of my abilities. I come from a large immediate family with a lot of siblings that's pretty dysfunctional and abusive and I'm sure there's a genetic component to all of this because my brother also has a mental health problem and both my parents show signs of depression and anxiety, especially in light of war in their home country. I did manage to finish graduate school on a strong note (for a separate but related degree), even though that's when my depression was at its worst. I still don't really know how I graduated, but I did. When I moved back home, I started seeing a psychiatrist and taking medication and working part-time for my dad just to give me something to do where the pressure and anxiety of a "real" job were off my shoulders. I did this while trying to muster the courage to begin preparation for the admissions test I need to take. Some things improved during this time, sure. I do think the SSRIs helped in certain areas, while in others not so much, but like what I can't stand is that ultimately I still am so bothered by this infatuation and still cannot let it go. I figured after medication, things would be better, but that's not the case. When I found out this person was getting engaged, I legit vomited. Yes, I know that's insane and crazy, but I obviously couldn't help that. And the easy and logical thing to do would be to put distance between myself and him, but I am still very much dependent on this for a shroud of happiness, even after medication. I can't help it: the household is just too turbulent, and I'm stuck here for now, and unfortunately the identity of the scapegoat/punching bag always seem to find me in all my relationships, with my parents, with my siblings, with my best friends, so I still retreat into my world of fiction and writing and that is always going to be tied to this actor. He's getting married soon and I don't even know if I'm going to be able to handle that. I am too humiliated by this that I can't even bring it up to my psychiatrist. I don't know, she thinks too highly of me and sees too much potential in me that I shudder to think of her learning I let something so shallow and silly and mortifying be eating me up on the inside. Plus I know her solution will be to just keep my head down and throw myself into my preparation for this admissions exam, which I have been doing, but it's just all so messy and inconsistent and my destructive mindset is starting to take over again. I don't know. I guess I'm curious to know what anyone has to offer. Dating isn't really an option because I have a really small comfort zone and I just can't imagine being in a relationship right now when I need to get my own act together first.
×
×
  • Create New...