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StillStandinTall

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About StillStandinTall

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  1. I think that denying your child the opportunity to have a relationship with their father is wrong. IMO the question is whether you want a relationship not whether or not the child can have a relationship with their father. If the current baby daddy is not someone you want to be with - so be it. As for your first born, again my opinion, you have done this kid no favors by lying to him. Aren't your lies lowering you to the same level as his father?
  2. I am where you are - I find that everything is an effort and nothing brings me joy. I was also stuck in a job that I didn't like, I quit because I thought Id find something that I enjoyed. Now Im an unemployed white male in his 50's. Who wants to hire an unemployed, over the hill, white male in their 50's?!? Tough road. My point is that the grass is not always greener - I think that a good option is try to get the grass on your side of the fence to grow. How? By focusing on the fundimentals: nutrition, distroying negative self talk, exercise, etc
  3. I have been reading about overcoming anxiety and developing tactics needed to eliminate negative self talk. Destroying negatives is a big part in becoming a new normal I agree with both of you that the only way things will change is if I make changes. I am currently struggling with the discipline to keep the promises I make with myself.... so I will take some baby steps today. It may not be the solution but at least it is a start. Thank you both for your thoughts
  4. This may be the wrong section - but most people visit the 'depression central' section to I thought I'd ask my question here: I have had ongoing thoughts of suicide since I was a teenager - I am now in my 50's. I have never told anyone about these thoughts until about two years ago I opened up to my therapist and pdoc. It seems that every time I go into my pdoc he adjusts my meds. These adjustments throws me into a tailspin until things level out - the frustration of getting past the new med side effects is something I don't relish. My question is this: has anyone gotten permanent relief from reoccurring suicidal thoughts? or is this one symptom that I will always need to deal with? I am at my whits end / I am wondering if I need to accept this as one symptom of being messed in the head. If you have found relief, what did you do to get past this? thank you.
  5. How do I feel today? Back again should tell you not so great. I am tired of the rollercoaster called life. I feel like falling out, why do they have restraints? Life, in its sinister way, has me buckled in. I don't care - if something good happens, I see darkness. If something bad happens, I figure it was meant to be. I don't know what makes me happy. I long for the emptyness and self loathing to be gone. I want the pain to stop, but the pain won't go. This is my life
  6. I am here - that's an indication that I am not ok. frustrated, lonely, tired, feeling worthless and that life is pointless. the sh!t never ends. I wonder why I don't force a stop. No guts Thats my day
  7. How am I doing? sunshine, a comfortable 75degrees, no humidity, no bugs, no work (today). I am above ground, breathing, and have a pulse. I spent the day inside; nothing can motivate me. How am I doing? Not on the top of the world... that’s for sure. I am going outside to take in a walk - maybe that will make things a little better - maybe not.
  8. Hi Sam, The first thing I do is make the bed. If I get nothing else done, at least I have one accomplishment for the day. If I forget, once I remember - I drop everything and go do it (even if I’m late & rushing out) I have found that this single thing can be the beginning of a major turn around. Side benefit: A made bed makes it nice to go to bed. When Im nodding out on the couch, I have found myself smiling & thinking about slipping into the sheets of my nicely made bed. Makes me want to go to bed. Simple things, Simple pleasures One time things: when Im done with something, while it is in my hand, I put it away instead of putting it down. So easy to get distracted and to run off. Plates go in the dishwasher, food in the cubbard, clothes in the laundry basket. Simple. If I’m completely overwhelmed, I’ve tried to do one thing when I walk into a room. Into the kitchen: wipe the counter. Into bathroom - put away toothbrush. Small tasks are additive turn into big accomplishments (like having a full dishwasher to run) ha There’s also the kanban thinking - a Japanese way to efficiency in manufacturing: everything has a spot. If you don’t know where to put something - it goes into a containment zone. A containment zone is a specific area things go that have no place to go. Once in awhile clear out the containment zone. If you cannot find a good spot for something - throw it away. I have found that this is a good way to declutter. Clutter: recently I have started thrift shopping (Goodwill etc) and find a lot of ‘treasures’ that I already have. Goodwill is usually selling these treasures for a ridiculously low price. No sense keeping something for years, you never use, that can replaced for a $1.00 I have been in a rut myself - thank you for reminding me: I will start making my bed (again) tomorrow
  9. Curt Cobain to Superman & back. i can understand your frustration - but what is normal? Is normal a guy who is happy & cheats on his wife? Is normal someone who works all the time? Normal is arbitrary. you have two small children, who could be effected by this same condition - ready to give’em up for ‘normal’ kids? Its not lazy - its not fake desire to be ‘successful’ - it’s an awful place to live. Do you think he is happy not being able to complete anything? I’m not happy with it. I feel guilt, self hatred, and worthlessness..... I’m intelligent, good looking, have a house, money and an education but I still hate myself. I want to be gone I would’t date me, but I probably couldn’t date you. Maybe you could learn more about bipolar, get involved in his treatment, go to counseling - figure out how you can help him without destroying yourself. Get pissed at the disease not the person. imo
  10. I find it amusing when people ask me ‘how are you coping being socially isolated?’ is this a joke? - it’s heavenly. Finally the world gets a small taste of my life
  11. I hate the hypomania as I don’t know what I’m doing. I escalate to a point of viciousness - cutting everyone down. No wonder people don't want to be my friend. Then this depressed state of self hate creeps in. I find myself beating myself up. Like I have always done. I have never accepted this incurable disease. But now, as I have learned the symptoms of bipolar and ADHD, finally I understand why I have lived life the way I have. I am seeing a shrink and a counselor, I’m tired of being tired, of hating myself, of manic episodes (that recently ended with a safety check by the police)... urg Over the years I have done a good job at isolating myself - not that I don’t try to go out (groups etc) but people never measure up to my expectations - so I go away venting.
  12. I am getting so frustrated - I am tired of this bipolar rollercoaster. I wake up and the first thing I think is: today is a good day to end the pain. I tracked these thoughts while I was watching TV last night, pretty much like clockwork, every 15 minutes, I had the idea. urg this is no way to live 8(
  13. Hi JD 31 years, one job? that is quite an accomplishment!! On the bright side: You have a roof, car, TV, job, and two cats. More than most. Change is scary. The unknown is unnerving. we’re pulling for you JD! lov.
  14. Feel the same - wondering if it has any effect
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