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About StillStandinTall

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  1. How do I feel today? Back again should tell you not so great. I am tired of the rollercoaster called life. I feel like falling out, why do they have restraints? Life, in its sinister way, has me buckled in. I don't care - if something good happens, I see darkness. If something bad happens, I figure it was meant to be. I don't know what makes me happy. I long for the emptyness and self loathing to be gone. I want the pain to stop, but the pain won't go. This is my life
  2. I hope you have a better day today 😎
  3. I am here - that's an indication that I am not ok. frustrated, lonely, tired, feeling worthless and that life is pointless. the sh!t never ends. I wonder why I don't force a stop. No guts Thats my day
  4. How am I doing? sunshine, a comfortable 75degrees, no humidity, no bugs, no work (today). I am above ground, breathing, and have a pulse. I spent the day inside; nothing can motivate me. How am I doing? Not on the top of the world... that’s for sure. I am going outside to take in a walk - maybe that will make things a little better - maybe not.
  5. Hi Sam, The first thing I do is make the bed. If I get nothing else done, at least I have one accomplishment for the day. If I forget, once I remember - I drop everything and go do it (even if I’m late & rushing out) I have found that this single thing can be the beginning of a major turn around. Side benefit: A made bed makes it nice to go to bed. When Im nodding out on the couch, I have found myself smiling & thinking about slipping into the sheets of my nicely made bed. Makes me want to go to bed. Simple things, Simple pleasures 😎 One time things: when Im done with something, while it is in my hand, I put it away instead of putting it down. So easy to get distracted and to run off. Plates go in the dishwasher, food in the cubbard, clothes in the laundry basket. Simple. If I’m completely overwhelmed, I’ve tried to do one thing when I walk into a room. Into the kitchen: wipe the counter. Into bathroom - put away toothbrush. Small tasks are additive turn into big accomplishments (like having a full dishwasher to run) ha There’s also the kanban thinking - a Japanese way to efficiency in manufacturing: everything has a spot. If you don’t know where to put something - it goes into a containment zone. A containment zone is a specific area things go that have no place to go. Once in awhile clear out the containment zone. If you cannot find a good spot for something - throw it away. I have found that this is a good way to declutter. Clutter: recently I have started thrift shopping (Goodwill etc) and find a lot of ‘treasures’ that I already have. Goodwill is usually selling these treasures for a ridiculously low price. No sense keeping something for years, you never use, that can replaced for a $1.00 I have been in a rut myself - thank you for reminding me: I will start making my bed (again) tomorrow 😎
  6. Curt Cobain to Superman & back. i can understand your frustration - but what is normal? Is normal a guy who is happy & cheats on his wife? Is normal someone who works all the time? Normal is arbitrary. you have two small children, who could be effected by this same condition - ready to give’em up for ‘normal’ kids? Its not lazy - its not fake desire to be ‘successful’ - it’s an awful place to live. Do you think he is happy not being able to complete anything? I’m not happy with it. I feel guilt, self hatred, and worthlessness..... I’m intelligent, good looking, have a house, money and an education but I still hate myself. I want to be gone I would’t date me, but I probably couldn’t date you. Maybe you could learn more about bipolar, get involved in his treatment, go to counseling - figure out how you can help him without destroying yourself. Get pissed at the disease not the person. imo
  7. I find it amusing when people ask me ‘how are you coping being socially isolated?’ is this a joke? - it’s heavenly. Finally the world gets a small taste of my life
  8. I hate the hypomania as I don’t know what I’m doing. I escalate to a point of viciousness - cutting everyone down. No wonder people don't want to be my friend. Then this depressed state of self hate creeps in. I find myself beating myself up. Like I have always done. I have never accepted this incurable disease. But now, as I have learned the symptoms of bipolar and ADHD, finally I understand why I have lived life the way I have. I am seeing a shrink and a counselor, I’m tired of being tired, of hating myself, of manic episodes (that recently ended with a safety check by the police)... urg Over the years I have done a good job at isolating myself - not that I don’t try to go out (groups etc) but people never measure up to my expectations - so I go away venting.
  9. I am getting so frustrated - I am tired of this bipolar rollercoaster. I wake up and the first thing I think is: today is a good day to end the pain. I tracked these thoughts while I was watching TV last night, pretty much like clockwork, every 15 minutes, I had the idea. urg this is no way to live 8(
  10. Hi JD 31 years, one job? that is quite an accomplishment!! On the bright side: You have a roof, car, TV, job, and two cats. More than most. Change is scary. The unknown is unnerving. we’re pulling for you JD! lov.
  11. Feel the same - wondering if it has any effect
  12. Part of being good to yourself is having boundaries - you can set the boundaries you are comfortable with. Boundaries for each person/relationship can be different as each relationship is different. It sounds like you are just getting to know this guy. Personally, I am cautious about opening up too early. Dating is getting to know each other at a pace you are comfortable with. One approach might be to tell him that you don't like him using crazy and bipolar interchangeably. That you know people that are bipolar and you fall into the camp of believing that being bipolar is a treatable disease. Some people can recover, some just maintain and others need hospital care - just like cancer. This suggestion may not work for you - there is no right answer except do what you feel comfortable with... Good luck
  13. @Because11 Howdy! You sound a lot like me. I was a light drinker and also quit totally about 2 or 3 weeks ago. I quit caffeine at the same time. I was drinking about two 2 liters of diet Pepsi per day. yikes, lots of caffeine & aspartame. I am currently on 150mg/day of zoloft - those first few weeks coming off caffeine was tough. I sank pretty low, but am coming back around. I’m hoping that these changes will long term be fore the best. PS coming off soda was tougher than I thought it would be. Lots of cravings. best.
  14. finally no pounding headache. feeling peaceful - first time in a long time.
  15. @idkusername465 I feel the same way - I try to like the outdoors and sun but I’m happier being inside especially when it’s dark or raining; there is solace in solitude.
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