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Everything posted by agse01

  1. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way! It's perfectly normal to crave physical touch. For many, that's their "love language and how they truly feel loved. (There is an awesome book called the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman that explains this further.) It's an innate need that you have to feel loved and that is nothing to be ashamed about or to try to hide. However, searching for that need to be met in the wrong places, with the wrong guys, is most likely only ever going to cause feelings of shamefulness and guilt. I know it's so easy to be down on ourselves and think horrible things. (IE "I'm not pretty enough. No one will ever like me/love me. etc.) Those are lies that we are believing and they are simply not true. Unfortunately, we live in a culture that only adds to those thoughts with unrealistic expectations of what beauty is. You are so much more then your outside appearance. If guys are only going out with you because of how you look and not looking at your heart, your character, your capabilities, most likely, they are not worth being with in the first place! Don't lower your standards just because you are in a bad place right now. That will only bring heartache. There are good guys out there that want more then just sex and to use women for their own needs. I know it's not easy waiting for that type of guy, but it is worth it! You do deserve to have a secure and loving relationship, but your are not going to find what you are craving with a multitude of guys. They can't meet what is going on in your heart, especially when their motives are not sincere. I think the first step is learning to love and accept yourself and see your own value. When we can see our own worth and realize that we are made for so much more, we won't compromise and settle for "less then." I would highly recommend seeing a therapist. There seems to be a lot of emotional stuff that you dealing with and it would definitely help talking to someone to help you navigate through it. I'm also wondering if you might have an eating disorder from what you explained. Either way, a therapist would be very helpful. Please know that you are beautiful just for who you are. I know we often get caught up on our looks, but outward appearance eventually fades away. There is nothing wrong with wanting to better ourselves physically, but when that is where we place our worth, nothing good will ever come from it. YOu are so much more!
  2. Thank you for sharing what you are struggling with! I know it's not always easy to admit when we have a problem and seek support and guidance! In my opinion, I believe that you do have many tell tale signs of an eating disorder. The obvious ones are you emotionally eat when you are upset or experiencing negative emotions, the guilt and shame that come from overeating, the withdrawing from friends/socially etc. It can be a very devastating disease and cause a lot havoc on us physically, mentally and emotionally. I think getting involved with Overeaters Anonymous is a great start. Support is so needed in the healing journey. However, I would highly recommend seeing a therapist. Eating disorders are more of a mental/emotional illness and the eating is the side effect of those feelings per se. To truly heal from this, it's important to get to the bottom of the negative thoughts and emotions that are driving this behavior and acknowledging them. The therapist can also help teach you new and more healthy ways of coping. I know it's not always easy to talk to a therapist, but it is the #1 thing that has helped me on my recovery journey. I'm much more aware of my triggers and how to deal with them before I would want to go into a full on binge. Best of luck!
  3. I"m sorry that you are feeling so down right now. Depression is a dark spot to be in and it sucks so much out of us and distorts our view on life! I know it seems like your life is not worth much right now and it seems like nothing is ever going to change. It's easy to get caught up in those lies, but they are not truth. You have not screwed everything up. You are not a failure. Life would not be better off without you and nor would your husband and children. They need YOU, not anyone else! Unfortunately, people don't always understand depression and what we are going through. They think we can just "cheer up" and think positively. That's often not the case, and if we are doing that, we are putting on a mask for the world, which is not healthy either. My guess is your husband just doesn't understand. Have you communicated to him how you are feeling? Have you explained the darkness to him? Have you told him you can't always control how you are feeling? I know it's not always easy, but let him in to your world. Hopefully, he can begin to understand and give you the support you need! Are you seeing a therapist at all? On any medication to help? If not, I would highly recommend talking to a therapist and get all your feelings out. Maybe you will be able to uncover what is driving this? When we can start figuring out what is driving some of the issue, we may be better prepared for it when the worst of our depression hits. They will also help you learn how to cope differently and meds can also be beneficial. It's not too late to get that degree that you wanted. It's not too late to do the things that you have always wanted to do! Go after those things that make you happy and don't give in to the lies that "it is too late!" It's never too late! Hoping that you have a brighter day!
  4. I think you are entitled to feel however you need to in the moment if she upsets you. However, when we let hate, anger, and bitterness build up it has a detrimental effect on us. It actually does more harm to ourselves then it does to the other person. Most likely they are not going to know the deep feelings that you have toward them, so it's not going to effect them as much. Dealing with your feelings toward her is what is important. Can you communicate with her and let her know, in a nice way, how she is making you feel and why? She may not even know there is a problem! I"ve learned that the best thing with toxic people is to put up boundaries with them and offer forgiveness once you have dealt with the feelings. The act of forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person, but you let go of all your anxiety, negative feelings etc when you do. It's like saying "I'm releasing this. I'm not going to let it/you control me." I hope things work out and hopefully you and your mother in law can have a real relationship someday!
  5. Depression can take hold of so many different areas of our life and wreck havoc on it. I've gone through the same thing where I won't eat all day and then binge eat for hours. I then feel guilty and ashamed after for my lack of control. What has helped for me is being intentional when I eat, setting up a schedule to eat every couple of hours even if it's just a little bit so I am getting something in to my system. I also try to keep sweets and junk food out of my house so they are not a temptation as they are normally the foods are run to when I want to binge. No junk food usually means no excessive binging. It does take an effort to be intentional about eating and our food choices. These are a couple of things that have helped me.
  6. Hi Samantha. Welcome to the group! Thank you for sharing your struggles. It sounds like a vicious cycle to be in, the food issues and the alcoholism on top it. Alcohol can definitely take your appetite away. That's not good in general, but when you are struggling with food and food intake it makes things so much worse! You said that you have always had bad body image and have had anxiety. What don't you like about yourself? What makes you feel bad about yourself? I'm guessing that you have probably used alcohol to subdue some of those bad feelings and make it so you don't have to feel whatever it is you don't want to feel. I'm wondering if the withholding food and thinking you aren't hungry is another way that you may be punishing yourself? What are you hiding from? I say this because I have struggled with food and alcohol in my life and I know these are some of the things that were going on with me, hence why I asked the questions! I would love to hear your story if you are wiling to share. I'm hear to listen if you want to discuss this more.
  7. Depression sucks! It's a monster that steals so much of who we are and so much from our lives! It's invasive and just drains out any life within! I've been there. I understand how you feel! You are not alone in this and this is not who you are! Your mental illness does not define you. Deep down, the real you is still in there. You just can't see it because of all this monster as stolen from you throughout the years! You say it hasn't always been this way. You remember being "normal." What brought it on? Is there a traumatic event? Negative experiences? Can you pinpoint when it started? Maybe that's a starting point to healing. Examining what happened and where you lost yourself! Although it seems like it, suicide is not the answer! You are so full of value and dignity! You have a place in this world...even if you can't see it right now, and you have a purpose! Believe that. You choose suicide, you let the "monster", the depression win! A normal life is possible. Healing is possible! I know, I'm on that road! You say that your therapists don't help. It sounds like they just basically send you away and don't acknowledge your struggles. It sounds like they just expect you to suck it up and don't believe anything is the matter. How many therapists have you been to? There has to be another option for therapy; someone that will listen and take you seriously. Are there support groups near you that you could get involved in to be around people that understand and can empathize with you? Part of getting better is surrounding yourself with a support system. You can't do this on your own! Are you on meds? If so, is it possible that these particular meds are not working for you? I know that every person's body is different and not all meds work for everyone and some of them can actually make the things worse! Maybe you are not on the right combination? I've learned that when no one else wants to listen and take me seriously, I need to be my own advocate. These are a couple of suggestions I can think of that may help. It sounds like you want a better life and know you deserve so much more! Please don't give up on yourself! I know things are hard, but there is an answer out there! I don't know your spiritual beliefs, but I will be praying for you!
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