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ellemak

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  1. Tracy, I know what you mean about being in denial. Sometimes too many things keep happening before we get a chance to heal from the last and then you find yourself going into a depression quicker and easier than the last time. At least, that's my experience. I'm sorry you didn't make the interview. They're pretty intense. Might have been a good decision to postpone/cancel instead of falling apart during the interview. Couldn't help to go to the therapist and consider meds. I've been med (antidepressant) free for a couple years and just put myself back on about a week ago. I'm so disappointed. I hope things get better for you too. Hang in there.
  2. Down...bored...slightly angry and really depressed. ZERO motivation as usual. Wondering if/when this will end.
  3. Tracy wow you've been through alot too!! Nonstop stuff like that is no good and then to lose your support system is a triple whammy. There's only so much one person can handle, right? Apparantly the universe thinks more of us than we do. Good luck with interviewing. I'm in the same boat. I think "How the heck am I going to interview well when I'm a depressed mess?" Here's hoping for good things.
  4. Mr. Bliss...thank you for reaching out with the advice. I will certainly check out selfauthoring. It sounds interesting to say the least. Luckily, I know myself, and exactly why I'm depressed. There's no question considering my history. My problem is now that I've found myself here, I can't get out. Yes, I'm tired and scared. Given that I'm unemployed, I have no discractions. Nor the motivation to GET employed. (That will be a struggle in and of itself). The crap is non stop. It's a big bear and I don't want to poke the bear so I stay frozen. I'm recently divorced and lost my medical insurance with it, so counseling is unattainable. Although I've been through years of therapy and even an outpatient mental health facility after a breakdown, and it did help...I'm kind of beyond that. I've fought and fought and then I got tired and it got me. Regardless of my non stop whining and explaining...I will look at self authoring. Who knows what it could lead to! Lengthy responses are welcomed! Please add more. Makes me better about my verboseness.
  5. Sitting on the couch with my dog playing Farmville on my phone and watching this forum. Farmville makes me feel productive!! LOL. I think I'll switch and watch Leprechaun 4 too! LOL. @Lindsay...you should start a sister subject "What SHOULD you be doing".
  6. JD...Do you self sabotage, become disinterested? I feel the way you do about being whipped. I told friends that I must have killed Jesus's dog in a past life because the universe REALLY doesn't like me. Well...I don't feel it's FAILURE, it's misfortune that results in failure. Unusual hardships. The wierdest things happen to me in normal circumstances. Normal easy things somehow manifest into some difficult monster with hoops of fire that NO ONE else seems to have experienced. I often look at the sky and say "WHY?!! WHAT!!?? What is it that you want me to learn?" I must be terrible at reading between the lines so if there's SOME DARN reason why all this is happening I'd appreciate it, dear Universe, if you could make it a bit easier to understand for me and my friends here on this forum. Stop being so cryptic!! We have alot to offer others if you could just help us out of the funk and let us contribute.
  7. @Sabi...any ideas on what triggers your good days? Or on the other hand, what triggers the bad days? I have gone days without showering too. Just don't want to. Any idea why your depression has gotten worse? As I sit here...I'm watching my 75 year old mom sweeping outside. She mowed the lawn too. I've only lived back at home a couple months, and she knows I'm depressed worse than ever, but I feel the constant need to explain myself. I feel when someone is up and doing things, I should be too. But I don't. And I feel like and a$$ and wish they understood how I feel. I fear she/they thinks I am a lazy entitled jerk. I guess I am right now. But I have been a very driven derserving good person for the 30+ years prior to this crap...I hope she remembers that and compares it to now and then says "Wow..she MUST be suffering. This isn't like her." God forbid we have an unexpected visitor. I want to go into my room and hide under the covers because I'm so ashamed and embarassed to be in this state.
  8. Good ol' expensive San Diego...low 70's...a little hazy. A day most people would want to be out "in the sunshine" <<said with sarcastic whiney David Spade voice
  9. ...nothing...except the traffic outside my house and a lawnmower. Kind of nice actually. @Louis..."they're alive D***it! It's a miracle!!" Now stuck in my head thank you very much, lol.
  10. I'm so happy to see replys! However, very sorry we're all experiencing these swings. To be honest, I'd take mood swings over motivation swings any day. I can handle mood swings better if I'm productive. But without the motivation to be productive, I get to sit with that AND mood swings. with no distraction. I do agree Stewart that exercise changes the mood. It's true. But the effect for me is minimal, UNLESS I do it everyday. The hard part is trying to suss the motivation to do it the next day and the next day and the next day, that is, until the endorphins are solid and the habit is formed. IDEA...If someone showed up at my door at 6 am everyday to go for a walk or a run, I would do it happily. But I can't seem to do it for myself. I've even stopped walking my dog. Poor baby...she deserves better. Anyway, I wish there was an affordable...no...a CHEAP or FREE service in where you can hire someone to do this. Not a personal trainer per se, as they're what...$75/hr? Just a service putting you together with someone local to you, one on one, in where you keep each other accountable and show up every day. (LOL...for some, these people are called FRIENDS. But I don't have friends like that, so...onward). For those plagued with MOOD swings; I took lamotrigine/lamictal for a few years and it was wonderfull!! I felt the positive effect within a day or two. (Which I believe is unusual). Although I do recommend it for some, it can have serious side affect, not to be taken lightly. I've since weaned myself off and recognize the reemergence of mood swings, but like anxiety, now I recognize the swings as "swings" and deal with it. They're still exhausting though. But, other than adderall, there is no cure for MOTIVATION swings that I am aware of. Speaking of adderall, I have been on adderall for years and it REALLY helped me. But I'm out. (Can you tell by my tendencies to side track?? LAS. Laugh At Self.) And I have no insurance. AND it's not easy to get and fill in my experience. (How do all these college kids get ahold of it so easy? At least that's what the documentaries imply). Louis brings up an interesting point. Burn out from prolonging the buzz of a good day. I will try to keep this in mind the next time I have a good day. When I'm having a good day, I might be making an error in assuming that the good day is not guaranteed the next, so then I do as much as I can not knowing when I'll be able to do again. You said "Balance is a necessary pain". I've never thought of it like that. But you're on to something.. Then there's the fact that you see how much you've let pile up...how much it will take to fix it...how much it will cost to maintain it in the future... More thoughts? Please...keep them coming!!
  11. THANK YOU for your replies!! I was honestly wondering how I was going to deal with the rejection of no one finding my ramblings interesting enough to comment on. So, thank you again, I"m glad to know that to some I AM NOT INVISIBLE. Is there a character limit here? Well, if it's not posted, I will certainly hit it as some point. Yes, that's a warning. Your listening make a huge difference to me. I will do the same for you. Please...let me have it. (And maybe I will feel of use again!!) Ha! Tracy...yes...scented shower gel will not cut it. Shoot, if it did, pharmacies would be out of business and shower gel would cost $100 a bottle!! Am I right? LOL. Shower gel. *snicker* Normal people and doctors are silly wabbits. There's a topic...I seem to swing between feeling invisible...or rejection. If I MAKE myself VISIBLE, I get rejection. Mostly. Mark...I have to tell you I read your response right after getting off the phone with a Special Agent from Defense Security in regards to my background investigation to get a secret clearance (Again. I held one for many years previously). The conversation did not go well and in the ends affects my ability to get work. Negative news in a big way. I'll give details later, but, long story short, I was delighted to see your post. Well, not delighted to know you're hurting, but at least that you replied and I'm not alone. I'm so sorry you had to move out of your house. It's so violating. I hope your landlord gave you more than 30 days. It's SO hard finding a new place to live because you never know what it's going to FEEL like until you're there and then you're stuck. Do you like the new place at all or are you just having a hard time missing your old place? Like you, I have a car port full of boxes I have to unpack or find somewhere to put them. Probably 10. They've just sat there...like yours. The OLD me would have had those suckers unpacked and a sucessful garage sale completed within 2 weeks. But now...they sit there. It's been about 3 weeks and I haven't really made any attempt at them. Why should I? I'm so tired. And a hurricane??!! That's traumatic. Did it hurt you or your property? I hope you get a break soon. Or many breaks. What is the institutional health care? Either way, if it's a struggle to get help, and they're hostile, that sucks. I'm also not suprised. How is it that people can lack ANY compassion? Or at least, do their job with some integrity. I guess they don't understand how your interaction with them REALLY AFFECTS you beyond just that call. Ripple effect. Luckily, and somehow miraculously, I've avoided any health issues. I had some back pain and chronic tennis elbow (which is QUITE painful despite the fluffy name) and it really impacted me because I'm not used to dealing with being physically impaired. Luckily, the problems just floated away like they always do...but I want to say I'm sorry your health is suffering. My little experience with lacking health is enough to have alot of empathy. I will send out good vibes to you. Sometimes it feel that every facet is crap, huh Mark? Relationships, finance, career, health...all crap. If it's all crap, how do you climb out. You have to have something significantly positive to hold on to. CRAP IS SLIPPERY! Your photography sounds interesting. Is there anywhere I can see it? Maybe an online gallery or something? I've always been interested in photography. Hopefully someday I'll be able to learn more. Right now I can't afford dog food, let alone a camera. I/we just need a steady stream of GOOD THINGS to happen to get us motivated or convinced the world isn't trying to **** or reject us. Agreed? A steady stream to undo the negative that has settled in. The negative that has now become the new history you remember. I struggle with this. I've moved (literally) at least 6-8-10 times in the past 6 years and more ahead of me. I'm so done. The first time this happened to me, I was living in a lovely 2/2 condo, with garage, washer dryer and a little back yard with a fountain. I was/am a single mom and it was within acceptable walking distance to my daughters high school. They allowed dogs, so my big boy great dane was with us and things were working. So here's the timeline for that year in 2009...The year started out good...I had finished and placed in my first triathalon in May. Then my young niece died of an overdose in June. My next triathalon was a few weeks later an I BOMBED badly. Then my father starts (restarts) abusing my mother in August. He hit her with a fireplace poker tool!! She stays with me for a few days (drama drama). He died a couple months later in October. I was arranging his funeral and memorial while still trying to maintain my daughters life and still be a working professional. I was the center of it and subject to LOTS of drama and meanness, In fact, I haven't talked to two of my 1/2 sisters since then. A few weeks later, my grandmother died in November. She had just died, I was still at the hospital, when I get a call from my landlord saying I have 30 days to move. W.T.F. But it was impossible to find a place that was 1. Within walking distance to my daughters school 2. Affordable and 3. Accepts large dogs. Long story short, early 2010 I ended up moving us to my mothers house and slept on the couch for weeks. My brother was keeping a travel trailer on my mothers property so I asked if I could live in it. They rarely used it. I told them I would only keep a few things in it that could be easily emptied out if they wanted to use it. They regretfully said "I guess". About 2 weeks later, they decided to sell it. So I had to move into a dark, dank and leaking bedroom in my mothers house with no doors, no closet, no blinds. I had to figure it out myself as my mother didn't seem interested. Fast forward to my 2nd experience in 2013...I'm living happily with two roommates and my new great dane. My previous dog/best friend/rock dropped dead right in the backseat of my car while I was driving. This happened as I was recovering from the eventual nervous break down in 2011...thanks buddy. Anyway, the apartment is great and I was really happy there. We get a notice that everyone in the building has to move because they're renovating. They just kicked everyone out!!! Sure, they made it easy to move to another apartment, only to have to move again once the renovation started there. I hope to get back there someday, but naturally they've jacked up the rent by hundreds and even if I were working, I couldn't afford it now. It's the only place I truely want to be and it's unattainable now. Hurts my heart. Google "The Village Mission Valley San Diego". Ohh it was so awesome there. This "thing"...this "black cloud" that follows me/us...there's got to be a name for it. "Bad luck" "dark knight"...I wish more people understood the cumulative affect it has on the psyche. How hard it is to sustain. Like Tracy said "it's snowballs". But why? There needs to be a reset button. I wish I could forget all the bad stuff over the past few years because...then I wouldn't dread the future so much. Who wants to go forward into MORE BAD? But that's all I see, and I see that not because "everything is dark because I'm depressed" but more like becasue THAT WHAT I"VE LEARNED. Mark, I wish for you and me for things to turn around. Like you said, with so much experience, we have the knowledge to navigate life! But, the curveballs end up being too much compounded. It's frightening given that with our experience, we still can't get ahead. One of the awful situations that didn't make my initial list is the issue of getting my security clearance back. I've been waiting for OVER TWO YEARS. This is partly the reason I'm unemployed. I had a security clearance for 13 years and now...limbo. Which means that the industry that is my specialty, I can no longer work for. I literally have to start over. This is the equivalent to taking a real estate agents license away. So...I've been waiting for two years and the agent was hung up on my employement status. While I am an employee, I can't be a PAID employee until I have my clearance. But she said there was no reason to GIVE me a clearance unless I am an active employee. You see the problem. The problem rests soley on the head of the employer, who pretty much ingores me and said "Yes, the investigation is still pending" and then drops it. Only for months to pass by until I check again. CAN I BE ANYMORE INSIGNIFICANT? This issue with the clearance will affect this job and ALL others that require a clearance, which is I'm guessing 90% of the positions I'm qualified to fill. Tracy, I feel you with anxiety and insomnia. I used to have terrible anxiety. Luckily that is a thing of the past. However, I was taking ALOT of meds. Mood stabilizers, antidepressants, xanax, klonopin, you name it. I do believe the antidepressants can help, just be careful and do your homework if you can. I know "doing homework" is an impossible task when you're feeling desperate though. It DID pass, just know that. I have an anxiety attack once in a while now, but I know what it is and kind of ignore it and it goes away. Insomnia continues to plague me. Ambien has been very good for me, although I believe one can become dependent on it. I've tried trazedone, which KNOCKS you out, but it was too harsh long term. If you've read this whole thing your eyeballs have fallen out and you're probably preparing to send me a bill for $150. Please give me your thoughts.
  12. Sorry to hear you feel this way too Eileen. At the same time, I'm glad I'm not alone. I'm unemployed and broke, so this is the WORST time not to have motivation. I hate it too. I feel so pathetic. I also can do a 180 or two in a day. It's confusing and exhausting. The first 35 years of my life I rarely slept in, didn't sit still, hardly watched TV because I was always out and about doing things. I didn't even know what my couch felt like. I miss that version of myself. Now I'm stuck with the opposite version and I can't get the old back. Yes, if you see miracles, send one my way!! I'll do the same for you.
  13. If so, how do you get yourself out? It's that CRASH after having a good day. I had a good day on Tuesday...productive around the house. But yesterday and today, I"m useless. I get out of bed and feed my dog and all, but that's it. No motivation anywhere in sight. Don't want to do anything. Don't want to watch TV even. It's a miracle I'm typing. My "MOTIVATION SWINGS" are completely unpredictable and I cannot coax it out to save my life.
  14. **WARNING** NOVEL ALERT First off, thank you for reading this. For taking the time. I appreciate it. I can't even figure out what I want to say. What's my purpose in this post? I just keep thinking...bottleneck...bottleneck...everything is stuck inside... Something might release, and things might budge allowing a little trickle of motivation to leak out. Maybe. Even if it does, there's simply too much on the inside to allow a nice flow. More likely, the disappointment that the flow could not (or would not) continue and develop into a steady stream results in further dark clouds inside the bottle, adding to the mind bloating and painful experience of depression. So what's my purpose here? I know I need help. I read other posters stories, searching for some nugget, some word or phrase that changes my path. I guess I'm not sure what to expect here...maybe some comradere, maybe some advice. SEASONSED advice please. I've done all of the "exercise!", "healthy diet!", "supplements!", "sunshine!", "ask your 'friends'"! B.S. and, while that might work for many (I'm honestly happy for you if it does) my life, my mind, my emotions, my needs and my experiences are just too complicated for these logical methods to take hold. Yes, I've not only tried all of the above, but sustained most of them. They DO help. Of course they do. But it's not enough. I believe my depression is circumstancial...and I am thankful for this. I have been subject to substancial trauma in my young life. Then the universe gave me a little 20 year break. Fast forward to 2009 and the poo started flying. It started flying with increasing speed, velocity and payload and has continued. I really wish someone, anyone...could look at my entire history and the events, not as onesie twosie events, but how these events compile, and build, and trip you up, make you fall and eventually kick you while you're down, and continue to beat you when you try to get up. I'm so tired, I've stopped trying to get up. About every 6 months, or when I stick my head out the door, something significantly negative happens. I'm so done with this. I recall my state of mind from the months past and remember thinking, "I'm really low" "I'm almost at rock bottom!" and wonder, silently, as to not alert the universe and have it send more flying poo my way "It's ok, this will pass...you'll get time to heal from this and you'll be up again." And then something happens. CONSTANT crisis for years. Deaths, moving house (including being FORCED from two homes that I liked due to sale), marriage, divorce, mental illness (not me), backstabbing, losing job(s) (PLURAL), drugs (not me, husband), narcissisitic abuse, losing credibility, lawsuits, and most recently, losing friends and being excluded. By the way, I'm also emotionally sensitive. I'm dying here. My self coaching, which has served me well for many difficult years, is no longer serving me. But I am so damn good at putting on a mask, no one really knows. I don't want to be a downer. THAT person that is always p***** off or depressed and a drag to be around. And to be honest, it's not really a mask. When I am out with a friend, I know I usually look happy, chipper, quick witted and engaging, and I am. Because my mind is OFF of my depression. It's a nice break. But then I go home to this pathetic life. So back to what's my purpose here? I still don't know. But I can tell you if I were to get rid of only ONE symptom...it would be the lack of motivation. This is the biggest baddest ugliest mother effer of issues for me. I could be looking into the mouth of a lion and be like, "Eh." Back to staring at the TV. My lack of motivation is SO bad I am unemployed. I'm 45 years old, unemployed engineer. My 75 year old mother is litterally supporting me. The humiliation at the THOUGHT of someone else supporting me used to be enough find myself working 2 jobs. But my drive, motivation and goals started to wane...and then POOF. Gone. I don't answer my phone. It's about to be shut off. I'm late on my credit card bill...and student loans. Not sure how I'll keep my payment plan to the IRS afloat. Now THAT will badly impact me. I look behind me and see pain. I look ahead of me and see...more pain. This is a problem. The above is also the most I've written in months, anywhere. I would really like to find some friends here that will hear my story over time, realize the weight of what I've faced, turn to me and say "Holy crap. I understand why you're depressed and any HUMAN going through the same would also be depressed if not worse." I think this is all for today. Hopefully an update at another time. In the meantime, I hope for a few comments, an "atta girl" and maybe some advice. Love to all. LMK
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