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dayhawk68's Achievements


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  1. Thank you everyone for your replies ^^). Life_Hope_Love I've tried doing therapy but it costs too much. Even the cheap kind. I tried doing it once over the internet with a professional, but it was a one month trial thing. Pastoral counseling? No. I can't talk to men about my issues. Not in a way I'd feel comfortable. Plus, I have felt alienated by pastor's wives who didn't know how to handle being a counselor. They just liked being a pastor's wife and that't it. Not their fault, of course, they just were never apt to learn. They had kids so naturally being a pastoress (whatever lol) to the oddball that I am, wasn't their calling. Throwing this out there, I'm a person who hates taking pills. Natural remedies have helped way better. But sustaining that is also hard.
  2. Do you listen to music while you sleep? If not have you ever tried calming music on repeat? Sometimes following the music can distract you from those thoughts. Sometimes the music is a soundtrack to your dreams.
  3. Thank you for your reply :) Yeah, art, music, writing. It's all there it's just not appreciated enough in my house hold. For years I tried playing the piano and being good at it. At this point my family looks at me and considers these hobbies with little money. Painting? My forte. My way of communicating to the world what's inside. But I don't live in a house hold that's conducive to it nor do I have the funds to keep it steady. I work for an entertainment news site, but it's small and the bucks don't roll in. And you're right about the memory thing. I have an excellent long term memory, but short term is out of whack these days. The natural stuff is how I like to remedy everything. Expensive sometimes, other times not. Ginko helps with general focus but doesn't suppress the colors. I've only ever had one herb that helped minimize (or mute) the colors and I was able to go to work and get my job done without a problem. Unfortunately, that herb is illegal in my state and is only used as an oil. There isn't enough supply even for ones suffering from major epilepsy. I won't use it unless I can move one day. As for the groups, yes I am a part of one, but only on Facebook. It does and it doesn't help.
  4. I've been a Christian, existentialist agnostic, tried atheism for about a week and had a panic attack, became an Eclectic Witch and nearly killed myself, but then went to becoming Messianic and still feel this isolation amongst people. I feel firmly on what I believe. I love learning more. I just have a hard time telling people that yeah I'm a non Jew who worships both Elohim and Yeshua and it's not conflicting. I also don't care for the Western calendar. Everything about being Messianic gives me peace. Having the faith that the Author of the earth can actually care about you helps me to hope even when I don't feel it or see it. Many days I don't. Many days I can't imagine. It then becomes like a character who can't see chapter 67 yet. The character still struggles on chapter 24, but the Author allows the many other characters to effect the first character. Eventually the first character ends up at chapter 67 bewildered on how they made it, but does a shout out to the Author. And it's weird, but beautiful, when Author and character know each other. Anyways, my two cents.
  5. So, anxiety it seems normal for people to go through it often about certain things. But imagine, if you will, that the word anxiety has it's own color code to it. Now someone speaks it and their voice not only has a color code but so does the word. Now someone puts their hand on your shoulder and says "Don't be anxious it's ok," well that sentence has a color code, the feeling of that hand on your shoulder has a color, the voice has a color code and yeah you're smelling the person's perfume/natural scent and that has a color code. Then, for kicks, you're experiencing all of that and don't want to appear anxious so you drink something calming (yeah you guessed it there's a color to that too) and all of that looks like a colorful Pollock painting in your head. Try now to go to a crowded place where you need to focus and work and there's tons of people. Ha. HA! Weaving through the Pollock painting (at this point google Pollock if you are unfamiliar with the artist) with subtitles and you've entered into my mind's eye. To imagine what people are describing I have to look away or close my eyes to not focus on the all the Pollock-ness. Now imagine trying to work and getting a career/possible significant other. Now imagine crying all the time at night when you need sleep but sounds + colors keep you up. Now imagine the fear, every day, that you'll make a mistake because you couldn't ignore the colors. Now have people ask you what kind of R word are you? And this is my life. Panic attacks? I have categories. The mild panic attack in the bathroom where you sit and cry. The stress is too much panic attack where you're finding yourself frantic to let out that energy and if there isn't an outlet someone around you hears the metal scream you've been saving for the stage (sadly could never be that cool/metal). That one can last a while too. The daunting future panic attack results in frantic studying or frantic cleaning or just frantic busy work. But yes, then comes the panic attacks where you're in the hospital and the nurses are freaking out more than you are because they don't know what's going on and drawing your blood is the hardest thing to do on someone who can't talk or remember why she's there. Panic attacks that lead to medical aid has never helped. Most don't ever know what the heck to do. As a teen that happened twice and during my mid twenties I did everything I could to avoid doctors. It helped some but then those kinds of "why am I panicking attacks" led me into some weird circumstances. Basically when I don't have my coping mechanism (tea and natural remedies) I can't do life. Sometimes I feel like I need constant Valerian root to say hi to people. I hate it. This kind of stress gives me the biggest self hatred spiral I don't want to live. I can't change my brain. There is no cure for Synesthesia. And yet I see myself as a walking fire hazard people have to deal with. Like I'm some kind of mutant from X-men. Try living with slim hope for your future even though you still want it. This is what I battle every day for the past 29 years of my life.
  6. So, I guess I should really explain it all. My childhood wasn't like normal kids. I have synesthesia pretty dang bad. All my senses are related to color. Yet to escape that and the physical and sexual abuses guys did as a tween plus a marriage/divorce that was horrific in which I if you can imagine all the types of abuse there were, I experienced. To escape and to forget there was no magic drug that helped. Nah. My writer brain had to go to a place in my head and stay there to cope. At one point I had 9 personalities. I eventually allowed them to talk to each other on the outside. Driving in the car they'd have conversations. I hated it. I couldn't look in a mirror and recognize who in the heck this person was. In my dreams I was another person. I didn't have the red hair or black hair. I wasn't the race I thought I was. I wasn't me. So, with the help of my religion, I found a way to cope with the physical me and I do consider myself healed from it. However, the stories of each personality are still within me. I can still see how I came to conclusions by way of those personalities. The best thing I can do is put them in fiction and call it a day. What I fear though is a relapse. And I don't want one. My depression gets hold of me this way. It's like all I want to do is escape from people and society in general. Literally be that person who lives on a deserted island and be one with the wild life. I would guarantee the DID would come back then and I wouldn't have to deal with anyone outside the collective. Not realistic. Not an option, obviously. And yet I don't know how to act as me and convince people that this person with 9 aspects+ is me. I've never gotten treatment for DID because my friend already has and hers and mine are vastly different in that my goal is to not live as 9 people but to accept myself as just myself and not me, I, they, and so on. I was diagnosed with ASD, but I feel the diagnosis wasn't enough for the bill. It was more like "Congrats you have ASD," good luck getting help. Synesthesia is my problem initially. Anyhow, I hope anyone with DID who reads this can relate. :)
  7. It's 4am here and I feel like I need an ongoing support for my depression. Not a lot has helped me for the past 29 years. But anyways, ^^) hi ya'll.
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