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Wild Orchid Eileen

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  1. Hi all. Thank you all for your very insightful and informative perspectives. I’ve truly appreciated each and every one. For some reason I did not get these notifications and I apologize for not responding sooner. I’ve posted about this before and got no responses so I assumed I didn’t get any again. I was in a particularly dark episode when I wrote my first post, though my sentiments are still similar in my heartbreak of being single. I have bad depression but surprisingly it’s mostly well managed. But the dark parts feel like fire as I’m sure most of you know. I’ve been busy at a new job that’s going well and it’s funny, I actually have excellent relationships with friends, family, and at work. I joke around and say it’s almost like God blessed me with amicability and good relationships because I’m cursed with an awful romantic life. I’m writing from a mostly good spot right now. I met someone at work that I’m trying to pursue and I’m trying to be healthy, with no expectations, and moving strategically but healthy. It’s very, very hard, though. I admittedly done that whole “write our whole life story together in my head” thing and I’m trying to keep strong and not crazy and protect my heart. I have to say, I resonated the most with @morecoffee because I really do think the mental health “loving yourself” concept is actually far more complicated than we like to think. For example, at this particular moment as I write this, I think I love myself. I’m young, beautiful, caring, smart, went to college for free, applying to law school, all those lists you may have done in therapy of things you love about yourself. I think and know this deep inside but with depression it’s often hard to FEEL that way exactly. I know through an episode I can’t feel it but all those things are still true. I can control all those things I wrote about mostly but I can’t control finding a good mate and having a family and that’s frustrating because it’s all I really want. I know my strengths and struggles but think I’m still worthy of love anyway. I know it’s hard but I’d be a good wife and mother. I guess for now I’m taking it one step at a time and focusing on me, as I have always been doing and as you all mention. It’s very important. We can only control what we can and work on ourselves while putting us out there. Time will tell. One thing no one has spoken much about, though, is sex. Despite depression (or perhaps because of) I have a HUGE libido. I’m sexually frustrated everyday of my life. If it were up to me in an ideal world that doesn’t exist, I’d have a husband that loves me very much and sleeps with me everyday. How does one deal with terrible sexual frustration while being single and trying to be healthy about oneself and potentially finding a mate?
  2. I read this article today that illustrates exactly how I feel and inspired me to start this topic: 'Coping With Depression From Being Single', on Livestrong website. I’ve tried unsuccessfully in the past to bring it up on this forum. I would really love thoughts on depression from/while being single. I have severe depression and part of it is great discomfort/hate for myself. I logically know I must love myself and have things to live for. But I don’t feel that way. I often feel like nothing is going right for me, I have nothing to live for, and I want to die. One big piece of this is that I’m 27 and have dated a lot but have never had a serious boyfriend. I want a family some day. In fact, that’s all I want and all I find living for. However, I don’t even have a boyfriend so it’s unfathomable right now. I read the posts on this forum and though I’m so happy for all of you I feel terrible about myself. So many people with depression are married with children and I can’t even find a man to commit to me for a year. I feel like a terrible failure for this and it just exacerbates my self loathing. I really feel, even though I know it may not be true, that I could learn to really love myself and be well if I just had a ****ing boyfriend already who can love me, too. I don’t know how to reconcile this as I know I must be comfortable being single to live a fulfilling life. I don’t know how to live a healthy life worth living, even while single, that completely loves myself. It eats me up. I want to die.
  3. This is me too and it’s frustrating because any second idle feel deadly (like now). And I never feel at peace while busy or not.
  4. I’m suffering from Anhedonia. It’s so random. With my depression Anhedonia comes and goes with no rhyme or reason. Every time it does I’m like oh great. I already have really annoying depression and then Anhedonia pops out of no where to say hello and go **** myself. It’s so weird- I don’t know what’s worse. To hate everything and feel sad all the time or not feel anything at all. I’ve had a few good things happen to me this week and I feel it minimally but the Anhedonia is strong and clouds any happiness that I deserve, want, and have to feel. I’m not an addict but occasionally I abuse stimulants (adderall) and I have today because my Anhedonia is strong. It’s funny- it feels stronger when happy things happen because I notice I don’t fed anything of enjoy it. I’m trying to figure out if I’m taking too many stimulants to punish myself, or subconsciously hope to die, or because in the past stimulants have helped my Anhedonia but I feel like they’ve become resistant. I have so much in my mind and so much to do and I feel overwhelmed and yet I feel nothing.
  5. I have a hormonal imbalance, which I’m sure exacerbated my depression. My hormones have been under control with my birth control treatment. However, I find that I still am tremendously struggling, especially during my period/right before I get it. My suicidal ideations thankfully have gone down with the years but I feel my periods **** my whole self so much I even get back to SI for that week I have my period. I was wondering if anyone has ever felt this way and has any advise on how to deal with it. Thanks.
  6. Idk how to actually execute my plans. I have a lot of them and yet I lay on my couch hoping something in me listens to my motivated but paralyzed soul.
  7. Everything you just said is EXACTLY my story. I’m working hard on my love addiction but it still sucks. I’ve even gone to SLAA meetings. I love love. And I was just telling someone the other day that I identified mostly with the music around the time of my birth- grunge.
  8. I am certain it’s true so keep telling yourself that! Remember if you survived the hurricane you can survive the storms. I believe in you!
  9. Having a “mini episode” since waking up and it’s ruining my day. I wanted to be cared for/smothered with love earlier today to stop being depressed. I felt like being dead; I hate this thought because after my suicide attempt, it particularly scares me. I have malaise and wanna pull myself together because I have so much to do but the depression bug has hit me hard and I’m plopped on my couch contemplating how to jump out of the dark hole; I’m at a loss.
  10. I’m concerned for you and wishing you well.
  11. I’m feeling really s***ty but this is so nice to read and cheered me up. I’m jealous and so, so happy for you. We all deserve love and good things in life. I’ve been looking for this type of relationship, too. I’m tormented by my failure of a love life. But this gives me hope. Wishing you the best now and always!
  12. I have both and I've thought this many times. I feel about an equal struggle in all my mental health issues/disorders and don't know what to make of this comorbidity. I think often "what is one small thing I can do to improve myself overall? Can I "fix" my ADHD by controlling my depression, or vice versa?" I am still struggling to find the answers. I have been on medication for both for a while now and I still feel none of them have been "fixed" and can't tell what to do. It's like the bad feeds off each other. I'm struggling literally right now. Even on adderall, I struggle to do the "right" productive thing like exercise or study because I'm doing other productive things that probably should be pushed aside for a bit.
  13. I’ve been single for some time and trying to get there too but still feel so upset about it. I hope I reach your level soon. Glad to hear you overcame the struggle!
  14. Thank you so much. You’re so deep, inspiring, and motivating I feel like printing this all out and hanging it up to follow everyday! I still have a lotta work to do with my therapist in the loving myself department. I beat myself up too much. But I’ll definitely check out that book and keep this all in mind. Thank you :)
  15. I’m in a self loathing vicious circle. I’m having trouble being productive in studying and applying to jobs. I’ve struggled with productivity for the past two weeks even with adderall. I just can’t execute being productive even though that’s what I really want to do and be. The motivation doesn’t push me enough to actually do even though in my heart I really want to. I feel really behind and all of a sudden right now at this second I feel like I’m crashing and it’s the first time in a real long time the thought I wish I were dead came across. Any SI terrifies me because I’ve attempted before. Even if just simple thoughts like this. I just want to feel and be better. I’m feeling defeated. My parents pressured me to go out with them right now. I normally enjoy this but I can’t right now because I’m consumed by these depressed feelings of failure, shame, and disgust. What’s worse is that I’d like someone to smother me with love and cheer me up and tell me I’m the best etc but I know it’s not healthy. I wanna root and feel good about myself but being so productiveless I feel like . And then I get in this circle of feeling like and not being able to get out of it because I’m not productive
  16. I’m stuck in a plethora of emotions I can’t even describe. Sometimes I fall into what I call a depression pang. And this dark cloud could come and go within one day. If I had to describe it as a downward spiral or a black hole I’ve fallen into with 1 being almost out and 10 being deep in, I would say it’s a 4. My depression has improved drastically over the years but days like today frustrate me fervently. I’m so much better not suicidal, and have a lot of will to do good. But I’m stuck on my couch in fetal position not knowing *** to do with myself and feelings I can’t describe but certainly not good and I know coming from depression. I just want to be normal and happy and be productive and live my life. But I feel stuck. I have so much to do and so much life I want to live. And then all of a sudden I find myself here again. This morning was a little productive but now idk how long this will last or when it will end or when I find the will to keep going and doing what I need to today. I have so much to do because these depression pangs slow me down. Then I start to feel unhealthily needy and want someone to save me, hug me, smother me with love, hold my hand, and tell me/make me do what I need to feel a life worth living.
  17. This was helpful and eloquent as hell. Thank you so much! I agree with your analysis and it makes sense. I’m just wondering what is the right way and approach to overcome this.
  18. Ugh I’m sorry you’re struggling with this, too, and wish we could get over it. It’s nice to know I’m not alone, though. Do you do anything in particular that helps?
  19. Hey Sophy! Thanks for sharing. I’ll look into the book you mentioned. I agree that I tend to have codependent traits rather than I suppose full blown significantly detrimental to life codependency. But I suppose I’m worried about getting there. I feel fairly well read about this topic and the general consensus is “codependency” is used to describe a bad thing and “dependency” (also called interdependency) is used to describe to a good thing. So a husband and wife who have healthy lives, self esteems, and relationships outside of marriage come together in their marriage dependently upon each other for decisions, goals, finances, etc. A husband who forces a wife to cut contact with the outside world because he wants to be the #1 in her life and feel needed is codependent on her attention for his wellbeing and she is codependent on his approval to feel loved and worthy. I feel you in that I’m not always codependent but want to overcome these feelings when they do come. I’m also down to start an unlocked codependency discussion! We just have to ask an administrator :)
  20. Hey there. I’m also 27 and struggling with depression. You haven’t mentioned if you are but I fervently suggest therapy to everyone. Sometimes you just can’t do it alone and your support systems are only human. Though they mean well, they can’t possibly always carry one’s weight while healthily dealing with their own lives. Therapists are trained to be supportive without ever being too taxed by your issues to help you. Therapy has improved my quality of life. You may also want to check if your employer offers confidential short term therapy. A lot of jobs are offering that now. I know my previous jobs had employee assistance programs and I actually went for a short amount of time and found that it helped. Good look. We’re here together and rooting for you!
  21. Wanted to say your OP was very nice and uplifting. Cheered me up right now thanks. But also, when I click that plus sign it just gives me the option to quote and not like. Do you know if there’s anywhere I can see what I’m doing wrong?
  22. Having a strong sense of self is important to be healthy. In the big scheme of things I understand what you’re saying but especially in the context of depression and emotional well-being, it’s important to know that you’re worth mattering. That’s why posts like these may be helpful for some to build strong senses of self.
  23. I’m sorry about this. You were just setting important boundaries for your wellbeing. Things aren’t black or white and neither you nor he was “bad” per se, you’re entitled to your feelings. You feel he is being manipulative and he feels he’s being helpful. It’s wonderful that you’re self aware and able to see the full picture. Hold your ground and do what’s best for you. Love is wonderful but sometimes it’s not enough to keep a healthy relationship. There has to be respect and boundaries. If you’re not in therapy already it may be helpful. Personally, going to therapy has REALLY helped me “deal” with my parents. I love them, have to live with them right now even tho 27, and live mostly peacefully with them. Therapy has helped me improve my relationship with them.
  24. Actually in my nearly 10 years of antidepressants Wellbutrin is the ONLY one I’ve actually really felt helped. I’m on 450mg too. But every antidepressant is different on everyone and you just have to find one that works for you. A severe suicidal episode is a huge, serious side effect of anti depressants, especially when you first start them. Usually the labels on the medicine will say something like “contact your doctor immediately if you start experiencing suicidal thoughts.” I suggest you contact your doctor ASAP.
  25. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I’m familiar with the downward spiral and hope you can spiral back up soon (heck, me too!). You didn’t mention if you are but in case you’re not, I really suggest therapy and medication. I know a lot of people are against it but it really improved my quality of life. Depression, like diabetes, needs to be managed and that’s usually with the help of professionals.
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