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Wild Orchid Eileen

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  1. Hi all. Thank you all for your very insightful and informative perspectives. I’ve truly appreciated each and every one. For some reason I did not get these notifications and I apologize for not responding sooner. I’ve posted about this before and got no responses so I assumed I didn’t get any again. I was in a particularly dark episode when I wrote my first post, though my sentiments are still similar in my heartbreak of being single. I have bad depression but surprisingly it’s mostly well managed. But the dark parts feel like fire as I’m sure most of you know. I’ve been busy at a new job that’s going well and it’s funny, I actually have excellent relationships with friends, family, and at work. I joke around and say it’s almost like God blessed me with amicability and good relationships because I’m cursed with an awful romantic life. I’m writing from a mostly good spot right now. I met someone at work that I’m trying to pursue and I’m trying to be healthy, with no expectations, and moving strategically but healthy. It’s very, very hard, though. I admittedly done that whole “write our whole life story together in my head” thing and I’m trying to keep strong and not crazy and protect my heart. I have to say, I resonated the most with @morecoffee because I really do think the mental health “loving yourself” concept is actually far more complicated than we like to think. For example, at this particular moment as I write this, I think I love myself. I’m young, beautiful, caring, smart, went to college for free, applying to law school, all those lists you may have done in therapy of things you love about yourself. I think and know this deep inside but with depression it’s often hard to FEEL that way exactly. I know through an episode I can’t feel it but all those things are still true. I can control all those things I wrote about mostly but I can’t control finding a good mate and having a family and that’s frustrating because it’s all I really want. I know my strengths and struggles but think I’m still worthy of love anyway. I know it’s hard but I’d be a good wife and mother. I guess for now I’m taking it one step at a time and focusing on me, as I have always been doing and as you all mention. It’s very important. We can only control what we can and work on ourselves while putting us out there. Time will tell. One thing no one has spoken much about, though, is sex. Despite depression (or perhaps because of) I have a HUGE libido. I’m sexually frustrated everyday of my life. If it were up to me in an ideal world that doesn’t exist, I’d have a husband that loves me very much and sleeps with me everyday. How does one deal with terrible sexual frustration while being single and trying to be healthy about oneself and potentially finding a mate?
  2. I read this article today that illustrates exactly how I feel and inspired me to start this topic: 'Coping With Depression From Being Single', on Livestrong website. I’ve tried unsuccessfully in the past to bring it up on this forum. I would really love thoughts on depression from/while being single. I have severe depression and part of it is great discomfort/hate for myself. I logically know I must love myself and have things to live for. But I don’t feel that way. I often feel like nothing is going right for me, I have nothing to live for, and I want to die. One big piece of this is that I’m 27 and have dated a lot but have never had a serious boyfriend. I want a family some day. In fact, that’s all I want and all I find living for. However, I don’t even have a boyfriend so it’s unfathomable right now. I read the posts on this forum and though I’m so happy for all of you I feel terrible about myself. So many people with depression are married with children and I can’t even find a man to commit to me for a year. I feel like a terrible failure for this and it just exacerbates my self loathing. I really feel, even though I know it may not be true, that I could learn to really love myself and be well if I just had a ****ing boyfriend already who can love me, too. I don’t know how to reconcile this as I know I must be comfortable being single to live a fulfilling life. I don’t know how to live a healthy life worth living, even while single, that completely loves myself. It eats me up. I want to die.
  3. This is me too and it’s frustrating because any second idle feel deadly (like now). And I never feel at peace while busy or not.
  4. I’m suffering from Anhedonia. It’s so random. With my depression Anhedonia comes and goes with no rhyme or reason. Every time it does I’m like oh great. I already have really annoying depression and then Anhedonia pops out of no where to say hello and go **** myself. It’s so weird- I don’t know what’s worse. To hate everything and feel sad all the time or not feel anything at all. I’ve had a few good things happen to me this week and I feel it minimally but the Anhedonia is strong and clouds any happiness that I deserve, want, and have to feel. I’m not an addict but occasionally I abuse stimulants (adderall) and I have today because my Anhedonia is strong. It’s funny- it feels stronger when happy things happen because I notice I don’t fed anything of enjoy it. I’m trying to figure out if I’m taking too many stimulants to punish myself, or subconsciously hope to die, or because in the past stimulants have helped my Anhedonia but I feel like they’ve become resistant. I have so much in my mind and so much to do and I feel overwhelmed and yet I feel nothing.
  5. I have a hormonal imbalance, which I’m sure exacerbated my depression. My hormones have been under control with my birth control treatment. However, I find that I still am tremendously struggling, especially during my period/right before I get it. My suicidal ideations thankfully have gone down with the years but I feel my periods **** my whole self so much I even get back to SI for that week I have my period. I was wondering if anyone has ever felt this way and has any advise on how to deal with it. Thanks.
  6. Idk how to actually execute my plans. I have a lot of them and yet I lay on my couch hoping something in me listens to my motivated but paralyzed soul.
  7. Everything you just said is EXACTLY my story. I’m working hard on my love addiction but it still sucks. I’ve even gone to SLAA meetings. I love love. And I was just telling someone the other day that I identified mostly with the music around the time of my birth- grunge.
  8. I am certain it’s true so keep telling yourself that! Remember if you survived the hurricane you can survive the storms. I believe in you!
  9. Having a “mini episode” since waking up and it’s ruining my day. I wanted to be cared for/smothered with love earlier today to stop being depressed. I felt like being dead; I hate this thought because after my suicide attempt, it particularly scares me. I have malaise and wanna pull myself together because I have so much to do but the depression bug has hit me hard and I’m plopped on my couch contemplating how to jump out of the dark hole; I’m at a loss.
  10. I’m concerned for you and wishing you well.
  11. I’m feeling really s***ty but this is so nice to read and cheered me up. I’m jealous and so, so happy for you. We all deserve love and good things in life. I’ve been looking for this type of relationship, too. I’m tormented by my failure of a love life. But this gives me hope. Wishing you the best now and always!
  12. I have both and I've thought this many times. I feel about an equal struggle in all my mental health issues/disorders and don't know what to make of this comorbidity. I think often "what is one small thing I can do to improve myself overall? Can I "fix" my ADHD by controlling my depression, or vice versa?" I am still struggling to find the answers. I have been on medication for both for a while now and I still feel none of them have been "fixed" and can't tell what to do. It's like the bad feeds off each other. I'm struggling literally right now. Even on adderall, I struggle to do the "right" productive thing like exercise or study because I'm doing other productive things that probably should be pushed aside for a bit.
  13. I’ve been single for some time and trying to get there too but still feel so upset about it. I hope I reach your level soon. Glad to hear you overcame the struggle!
  14. Thank you so much. You’re so deep, inspiring, and motivating I feel like printing this all out and hanging it up to follow everyday! I still have a lotta work to do with my therapist in the loving myself department. I beat myself up too much. But I’ll definitely check out that book and keep this all in mind. Thank you :)
  15. I’m in a self loathing vicious circle. I’m having trouble being productive in studying and applying to jobs. I’ve struggled with productivity for the past two weeks even with adderall. I just can’t execute being productive even though that’s what I really want to do and be. The motivation doesn’t push me enough to actually do even though in my heart I really want to. I feel really behind and all of a sudden right now at this second I feel like I’m crashing and it’s the first time in a real long time the thought I wish I were dead came across. Any SI terrifies me because I’ve attempted before. Even if just simple thoughts like this. I just want to feel and be better. I’m feeling defeated. My parents pressured me to go out with them right now. I normally enjoy this but I can’t right now because I’m consumed by these depressed feelings of failure, shame, and disgust. What’s worse is that I’d like someone to smother me with love and cheer me up and tell me I’m the best etc but I know it’s not healthy. I wanna root and feel good about myself but being so productiveless I feel like . And then I get in this circle of feeling like and not being able to get out of it because I’m not productive
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