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Bbqdad

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Everything posted by Bbqdad

  1. Life is hard. Period. Having a mental illness filters how we view life. If we are delusional then we perceive everything to be great, even though those around us know something out of kilter. That just me. But then I would be considered not normal. I stopped using the phrase not normal, because it assumes we are all judged by the same measure. I instead use the idea of acting natural for you. Meaning you choose the plumb line or measure. If you think standing on your head is your natural self then stand on your head. But for me I want to walk on my feet. We both are pursuing our natural proclivities. Am I broken, hell yes. But I wrote a song about it as we speak. "Cuz I'm broken since I went away from you!" I used music as my therapy. Yes, I am broken but I am dealing with it and accomplishing my goals so I am natural.
  2. I am currently being triggered into a mild manic state.(BIPOLAR ONE) In Alaska it is 24hrs of sunlight now. I am having trouble sleeping, staying up til 2am when natural time is 11:30pm. This causes many people to be energized but for me it goes beyond. I start angry dreams invade my head. (PTSD.) Some over spending on audio sound recording gear. I needed but I had the fever. My fear is that it will explode into psychosis and grandiose thoughts, and babbling. These would make it hard to focus at my job. I have been fired before I crashed and burned. 🔥 i am still on my meds: risperidal (psychosis) 2mg, lamotragine (depression) 400mg my doctor is aware but says it is natural to have some episodes that are mild. Do what ever makes you sleep. I said I have wild shrub for this condition. She said see her next month or call if it continues to be without sleep.(PTSD) this causes deep sleep without dreaming. on the bright side I am incredibly creative right now, having written two new song lyrics and melody in last 5 days. so I hold my breath.
  3. Exactly, and don't forget the prison industries, the civil confiscation of funds from unprosecuted but suspicious of tomatoe transpotation.
  4. I got a new doctor this week and prescription for rispidone and lamotrigine. I told them how I medicate with 🌿 wild shrub or tomato 🍅 plants that don’t grow tomatoes. And they said they wished there was more research but that she supported it and to let her know the effects. Progress
  5. (Rock kinda vibe) “Cuz I’ve been broken Cuz I’ve been broken Cuz I’ve been broken Since I went away from you.”
  6. You own your own body and have the final say. So it makes sense to share info so a good decision can be made. Also, we have to get over stigma so we can converse. There are other places on web to celebrate herb culture or politics so that shouldn’t be here too polarizing. but talking about mental health symptoms and experience seems that this would be the place to do it.
  7. Me: Racing thoughts “slows it down” ptsd “no dreams deep sleep” depression “elevate mood” anxiety “calms” but I also take resperidal lamyctal and I cut out alcohol two years ago. These two moderate spikes in mood.
  8. Hang in there. I can relate to the “dreams” As for alcohol, it causes my mind to kick into psychosis. And that doesn’t stop after the booze is gone. I want to stay sane. Your reason may be different but I applaud your choices. ”angry dreams invade my head...bitter memories of things best unsaid”
  9. “She let me call her honey, spent all my money and left me home alone. cuz I got the pole jerkin blues”
  10. Where would you most like to be a bum?
  11. No sounds of Silence. No rest, no peace. Looking for some answers, Looking for release. No sounds of Silence. No rest, no peace. I need a change now, Looking to be free. Finish I need a change I need a change Looking for some answers. Looking for release. So Please, tell me How do I leave me? How do I leave me. ###
  12. Sophy, i am so sorry you are having a terrible time. I know you have been under a lot of pressure and lack of sleep is making it worse. For me lack of sleep can be a trigger and symptom of manic episodes. So I watch out. hope you get some rest soon. -bbqdad
  13. She is 27 and married. She works as a nurse and doing well. I saw her two years ago, and then I had a manic episode that hospitalized me and left me out of work. Not able to live independently for a while and unable to travel. Now, I have since been back to work and planning a summer trip.
  14. Thank you for the kind words. I feel this way sometimes and wanted others to know and perhaps relate to not being alone in our struggles..
  15. Yes, Thank you. Just describing my ups and downs with my mind. I hope you can relate.
  16. You describe the inspiration for a song I wrote “how do I Leave me?” *link removed please contact member by pm for link*
  17. I think this is a really great idea. Stimulate your dreams of what you want to happen. my summer goal is to see my daughter I have not seen in two years.
  18. Sophy, I think I hear you wanting to find purpose to gain a sense of accomplishment. beyond surviving is thriving. to have desire inspite of depression is a win. -bbqdad
  19. Sophy it sounds like the foggy thinking side effects were hard to experience in your ex. some people may get paranoid. Or unable to sleep. Those are some other possible negatives. i live in a state where it is legalized. This has opened up the availability, variety and potency testing. This allows me to choose a “flavor“ that gives me the effects I want. And avoid those that feel adverse. but beyond self experimenting there lacks research. i use to relieve anxiety depression and help to sleep
  20. Now I just say “garden shrub” but we used to call it a tomato 🍅 plant that didn’t grow tomatoes.
  21. I have been where you are now. It sucks. Recently I wrote lyrics to a song titled “How Do I Leave Me?” so I understand. my med of choice is garden shrub. I vape. #bipolar420 it helps me get into a contemplative state. Slows things down with meditation and calming of anxiety. It helps me sleep through the night. I do not have any bad dreams. when I wake, I need to focus and be creative. I want to write songs and dream dreams. I vape. Pick a flavor. #Blackberry #GreenApple Depending on the flavor I either get a boost or a chill pill. so for me it has been working to moderate my moods and energy levels. i also have prescribed meds which are for controlling the extremes. so you may have to find what works for you. It takes time. But you are not alone. please stay connected and find a way to express your voice. bbqdad
  22. Heh, I hear you and am moved by your vulnerability. I can relate as someone who is bipolar and lost jobs and family during extreme highs and lows. The struggle to find the right med cocktail to keep the wheels on the track. My highs include bungee jumping off of bridges, the lows afraid to leave my room. I am also a creative and moved to Alaska to become a writer. That is how I channel my feelings. Mostly songwriting is what I have been focused on seeking to be understood and find my voice. I currently am back to working (day job) and writing music. But the last two years I had lost a job and was hospitalized for mania and psychosis. Put on resperdal and lamotragine (sp) i lapsed out of the highs and shifted to lows. Fortunately I was able to live with my sister during this time. I stayed in my room and felt useless and a burden. My meds did not seem to change my moods. I did stop drinking 🍺 and I mean Hard drinking. It was casing blackouts and paranoia. I went to a Celebrate Recovery group for awhile. There I met someone that shared with me some garden shrub. I experimented with this and have been able to calm or elevate my mood using primarily vaping as a means to medicate. So that is why I appreciate your candor. I would like to see some of your creative work. From one unappreciated to another, bbqdad
  23. I rather have the carrot 🥕 than the stick. (not sure what this means) I like to cook and I like to eat. But I have grill issues. I usually catch something on fire 🔥 when i bbq. Overuse of lighter fluid is a problem. And when I am angry I enjoy toasting something up in a blaze. Flame on! Maybe your bashed sticks could fuel a bonfire 🔥
  24. I am learning to channel my feelings by writing music, poetry and stories. So yeah I believe writing is good. I got a lot of help with a trauma therapist to sort out and understand my mental health issues. i think you are on the right road. bbqdad
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