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Everything posted by UnicornFire

  1. God has a Heart. At least, my God. The One I've always known and prayed to, the only One I care to know. But most people who claim adherence to my religion don't believe so. Or, maybe not most, but certainly the most vocal ones, in my own culture. It's not even just the fundamentalists. It's all I hear in most "Christian" circles. I put that word in quotes because it's so patently ludicrous to me...not to. To take this notion seriously. It flies in the face of everything I've ever experienced spiritually. Of...all the evidence, frankly. Love is the most important thing in the world. It's the reason for everything. Its potency is beyond all. It can generate life, for God's sake. And of course it's an emotion! Empathy and pity are the foundations of love, the foundations of the human conscience. Those without it are psychopaths, monsters of malice. Yet empathy and pity, and the love of which they're basic building blocks, are profoundly visceral, primitive emotions. They're pre-cognitive. They are not intellectual, not abstract, not volitional. They can't be willed into being -- psychopaths are perhaps the ultimate, but not the only, proof of that. Also, without emotion, it's impossible to value. The mind can't do that. It's like a calculator, a computer. I knew this intuitively all my life; it's how I sensed the holes in the sensational fear-mongering over AI as a kid. It sounds funny, but it's relevant. The mind is not "higher" than the heart; quite the contrary, if anything: it can parse information and present all options with crystal, chilling clarity...but it cannot weigh those options. No matter how sophisticated and developed the intellect, no matter how it grows, it's a gray, soulless body: it cannot want. There's no emotional (or physical) pull to tip the scales between one thing and another. It cannot discern "good" or "bad/evil." (Except good/bad for some pre-programmed end that it was set up to work for, but it cannot value/appreciate -- much less create -- that end.) Only the feeling heart can do that. (Or, in some ways, the feeling, instinctive body.) Without good or evil...well, among other things, there's no morality. And without morality, at least some kind of morality...that's one monster of a god. Who wouldn't have created us, anyway (no motivation to do so), and certainly doesn't love us. It can't love anything, in any possible sense of that word. It can't value anything. So, no -- love is a feeling, or at least an emotion: it is not a behavior/choice/etc. And God, my God, the God who could create love...has to have the capacity to experience it -- and thus, a Heart to feel for us.
  2. Why do I get along better with those outside my religion? Hey, wait a minute -- I don't share the same actual beliefs with the ones giving me a hard time. They assume I do, and I'm terrified of their ganging up on me if I told them, but I don't. They believe in an emotionless god, and that love is not an emotion. That seems to be the crux of the issue. I'm blogging about this now. Wow, the truth really is just bubbling beneath the surface, waiting for any opportunity to shoot out and drag me along in the right direction. As one therapist suggested. I've suppressed it way too long. But I want to heal now. If I can find the courage...
  3. The same anxiety and sadness is plaguing me, though the fear has dissipated. I have more options than I realized regarding the job opportunity. SO relieved and grateful on that count! I've also been way more bummed than I understand about some harsh negativity/insanity in an online religious support group. I think it's because I've had so many similar experiences with groups like it? Why is it so hard to find a healthy spiritual group? :( I think my feelings are partly eating-related, though. Or rather...from NOT eating enough all weekend. ARGH! This job leaves me no energy...even walking down to 711 to get food feels so...huge. But I'm going...
  4. Brian, thanks so much! Especially for taking the time to console me and so many others amidst your own struggles. That shows real compassion and character! Yes, I do pressure myself...it's the way I was taught to live, and such a hard habit to break...but I will try... :) I'm not sure I know how not to have expectations...I want so much out of life -- though atm, I just want things to be not the way they are. lol That's a huge blessing, having universal health care! I know it may not have been on your mind to begin with, but without it... I hope your sister finds all the right doctors, treatments, information... Has she -- or the family -- tried support groups? I think they help my friend. Please do keep us posted! Big hugs back!!!
  5. I would tell your doctor about these symptoms right away. And get a second opinion, too. Unfortunately, weight gain is a very common side effect. :( EMDR is supposed to be really effective. I always meant to try it. Have you tried CBT?
  6. OMG, just saw this. I'm so sorry! I'll be praying for all of you. I wish I had some substantial words of wisdom or advice... I can't really imagine what you're going through...how nightmarish...I hope she has good insurance? I don't know much about that stuff, but I have a friend using Eastern medicine for polyps with some success.
  7. Thank you! Trying! :) I woke at 3:45 AM last night, and couldn't get back to sleep for what felt like ages. Worries, fear, and sadness have been eating away at me ever since. There's a job I really want, but the employer wrote back that he needs a more recent reference letter. I'm afraid I won't be able to get it, or that it won't be in time. I'm so scared, and sad, because I really want this job. I don't let myself hope for anything often, so this is scary psychologically as well. I'm afraid of the fallout. Plus, my other job prospects...aren't great. I'm afraid I did this to myself, by not keeping in touch much...out of shyness and fear of "bothering" people, more than anything else. I'm disappointed in myself because I haven't been changing my habits fast enough...it's so hard/scary/alien in some ways. And that scares me that I won't be able to change them at all. I've tried before. I'm afraid I won't be able to do it this time, either. I want to, so badly. I want things to change. I want to change my behavior. I don't want to live like this. I have all these hopes and dreams, though it's SO HARD to own them, to hold on to them, to let myself have them and believe them. But I do. I want to. I won't let myself let go. I'm going to try. No matter how many times I fail.
  8. I saw some blogs on this forum, and I hope I can create one, too...I think it would help me on this journey -- especially to note my progress, my dreams at this stage...and what I'll let myself dare to hope...

    I haven't had much time or energy...I'm working 45-50 hours a week right now. I hope that changes very soon. I'm looking for a new job, and praying about a few new possibilities on the horizon...

    Keeping my hopes raised so my efforts follow... :)

  9. HA! I walk 2 miles +, M-F, for my current job. Involuntary, and I'm suspicious I have chronic fatigue syndrome, so I don't know how much it's helping vs. hurting...but yeah.
  10. OK...but worries churn under the surface. Job. Money. Legal issues. Moving. Making healthy changes. Relationships (or lack thereof). The past and its psychological fallout. How to get from here to where I want to be.
  11. I got through work at a job I can't stand, and it wasn't that bad. I even enjoyed the last part of the day somewhat. I put on more makeup than usual this morning. I kept up with emails and social media. That's a big one for me.
  12. Thank you both. I'm off to another day of grueling work. I might try messaging you later if you don't mind...I'm in a distant time zone (I assume) so feel free to respond whenever. Yes, it looks like DF is a good place from what I've seen poking around so far. Glad I found it.
  13. Hello. I don't really know how to explain what brought me here. I've really been struggling, and I've reached a sort of breaking point. I have C-PTSD, and God knows what else. I'm trying to address a number of psychological issues, and I just feel I need some support in this. I can't talk to anyone around me about these things, or see a therapist until my insurance kicks in, and I have no family. There are some really old patterns that I want to break. I almost feel like I need to be held accountable so I don't backslide. I thought some kind of community would help...so here I am.
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