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Everything posted by UnicornFire

  1. SO tired. But I have to keep my resolutions, and that feels pretty good. I'm going to do something nourishing for myself tonight, and I'm looking forward to that, too. :)
  2. I feel out of sorts. Fragile. I want it to stop, and I want to go on in this good path I've been following. But I know keeping on the good path, despite feeling this way, will help me grow and solidify good habits. It's so hard to not act on what I feel. But I know it doesn't lead to good things. This new policy does, and will. I know this is an opportunity, and I want to take it. I'm going to continue trying to do right by myself.
  3. Feel mildly depressed, but I think it's hormonal. Depressed in a sort of physical way. Just tired and out of it all day. My mind has been somewhere else the whole time. I'm trying not to let myself get overwhelmed with things that need my attention, but aren't urgent. I think it's my mind's habit of finding things to discourage me. But now it's more transparently irrational, and easier to dismiss. Meditating is helping loads. 10 days in a row now! Keeping my resolutions, and that feels good.
  4. No secret. It's about retraining your brain. Your emotions can take some time to follow. It was really hard getting started, but I've made stops and starts for years. It's easier now, and it really works. My emotions are still in the process, but my heart is growing healthier the more I keep at it. The great thing about changing mental habits is that the benefits are inevitable if you just keep at it. The keeping at it is sometimes grueling hard work, in terms of going against what you feel like doing.
  5. Hopeful. I'm getting better day by day. Things are getting better. I'm finally going after what I want, and letting go of what isn't my problem or within my control. The freedom and the peace is indescribable. :) I know it'll take time. Day by day...
  6. I feel guilty. I've been taught to be a perfectionist, and it really wears on the soul. I get overwhelmed easily, but I've accepted the idea that I have to do so much, quickly, all at once, all the time. In order to be good enough. Or just in order to count. Ugh. I loathe some of these ideas. I don't want to live by them, and feel this way for things I can't help. It's because I'm trying to do too much at once, too quickly, and expecting too much too quickly that I get overwhelmed, spin around in circles wondering where to start and how, and then get so little done. It's a form of sabotage, but it comes from the outside, not within. It's just that I unwittingly accepted the lies in my innocence. Now I have to find the "cure" within, to let my heart guide me gently to its own way of doing things - one at a time. Freely. Without pressure, or any threat of diminished self-worth, validity, etc. I was way healthier, and more effective, before this guilt-tripping, perfectionist garbage. I didn't worry so much, so it wasn't a big deal - I just grabbed the next thing I felt like tackling, and did it without thinking about it. It had no bearing on my self-love, my importance or "goodness" in the eyes of some monstrous deity. Or the "right people." lol
  7. I'm trying to be patient with myself. There have been things I've been holding on to, ways of thinking and living, that have been obstacles to my healing. I'm finally putting them down, one by one. I want to have a massive purge of them. I don't know how. I'm probably not even aware of them all yet. But one by one... I feel better as the poison comes out. Healthy things seem to automatically flow in to replace them. Nature, including human nature, amazes me in its capacity to heal, its indefectible inclination toward health and wholeness.
  8. I am so sorry. Please don't starve yourself! Or harm yourself in any other way! He sounds like a complete s***head. His comments sound abusive or like borderline gaslighting to me...if they're so simple, why can't he explain them? And why get nasty about it instead of just explaining how he feels? I'm sorry if this is blunt, but he sounds abusive. Maybe even like a narcissist. I know I don't know you or your situation, but if it were me, I would start getting things in order to get such a toxic person out of my life. I wish I could think of better things to say to get across that he's trying to make his s*** your s***, and it just isn't. And that if that's how he treats you and makes you feel, well, you deserve better. And it's hard to remember that or live like it with someone like that around, trying to make you believe ugly lies. I've been around toxic people like this, and some of the best things I've done for myself are cutting them out of my life. Wishing you the best...wish I could do more...
  9. OK, so even after trying to be positive, my computer woes continue. I just feel rattled, p***** off, and I don't know where to put these feelings. I wanted to spend 1/2 hour of this precious time off work doing something I enjoy. And I still want to. But I just feel...angry. I know I can't fix this problem now: it's too late at night, and I simply don't have time. I just don't know how to put away the feelings. UGH! It's weird, too...it's like they're not my feelings. It's like I act this way sometimes, get locked into this mental track, because that's how I "had to" behave as a child. I had an extremely toxic childhood environment, and truly evil, warped people sowing all kinds of unhealthy thoughts in my head. The dynamics I was taught to live into are indescribably destructive. If I ever showed any "weakness," abusers would jump all over me. My only "chance" at safety of any kind, much less getting my way in anything was to be angry, to shut them out, and sulk or join the pity party (be as negative as possible, even ridiculously so). I didn't agree. I intensely disagreed sometimes. But being genuine, letting my emotions show, showing hope or positivity or anything they construed as weakness...they punished me so viciously for it. Now I'm afraid to let any such thing show. Like, EVER. So it's like this childlike part of me feels obligated, trapped into hanging on to this anger, to be discouraged, to throw up my hands and say "woe is me," and huff. And say "it's just my luck." And give up. And let it ruin everything until another wind blows me another way. But I don't want to. I want to be active, and direct my own life. I want to be the causal agent in my own life, instead of just letting things happen to me, and reacting, and drawing conclusions about my "fate." Because I know that's not how it really works. I want to be me again, and live by my own truth. I want to set my heart free, and follow it. I'm making conscious changes day by day, and several days into sticking to my resolutions. I know it starts there.
  10. I got an email I was waiting for, and it had better news than I was expecting. My day went well after starting on the right track: my mood was good, I did my morning meditation (5 day streak lol), and I did some old rituals that I used to LOVE. Feel I'm getting on the right track, on the whole. Doing pretty well about keeping an even keel and keeping my resolutions. #1: Stay true to my own heart.
  11. Frustrated. Peeved. This day has been going great. Until I found out there are NO flights to where I need to go this weekend. I'm shocked. I've never had this happened before. Literally. I've just spent almost an hour trying to find other ways of getting there, but my computer has been outrageously slow for days. Trying another restart... Disgusted, and getting bitter. I swear, some days I feel ****ing cursed. Or like there's this raincloud over me that follows me around like a psychopath or a demon. I just don't know what the hell to do. Will anything ever go right? When something good comes along, and things seem to go right, something else can come along and knock it out of my hands. Wait - I just realized maybe I'm thinking like some childhood abusers talked. I don't want to be contaminated by their evil, ugly pseudo-victim mentality. Maybe I need to push back against this... There must be other ways to get there. If I'm truly so inclined. I don't even know, actually. I'm so exhausted. But I do want to go...maybe I can ask someone at work to help me do it on my phone tomorrow... Feeling better already. :) More in control. More like myself. Writing does help me sort out my thoughts!
  12. Thanks! Hugs back!!!! I don't know that I have a relationship with any god at all anymore. I don't even know if I really believe in any god anymore. I don't know what believe, at least not about supernatural matters. I need to let resurface what I believe about other matters...moral...aesthetic...emotional. I'm trying to work out how I feel about life in general. I think I just need to play this by ear and see where I land... Otherwise...I'm staving off depression today. I woke up on the proverbial wrong side of the bed again this morning...no, there's more to it than that. I started getting red flags from potential employers last night, and it irked the hell out of me. Here I am, just struggling to get through each day. I'm so lonely it hurts. I'm lucky if I have 2 1/2 hours each night that are NOT sucked up by this job. I DON'T need to deal with deception on top of it all! I HATE stress. Seriously, I have a personality that just is not built for conflict, instability, chaos, and all that. I FREAK OUT. I just want this job search settled. I'll still have to slog through the next few weeks, the effort of changing and all that. But I want it settled and done with so I don't have to worry about potentially not having a job when I finish out this contract position. I can't even give much time or energy to what matters most to me right now, which is relationships and health. I need a job that will allow me to do that. I wish I could just get grants to go back to school again. Or do *something* that would allow me more "personal" time. My life needs a major overhaul. What I really want -- I think -- is to move in an entirely new direction.
  13. Thank you, Natasha. Very much appreciated right now. Hugs back. :) I'm doing better, but I'm exhausted. I have an interview in 2+ hours, and it'll take an hour to do my hair, plus I have to run downstairs to the convenience store. It's ridiculous how quickly I run out of groceries nowadays. I must be buying the wrong stuff. But it pretty much has to be grab-and-go or microwaveable. The 30-35 hour/week jobs are looking ever more appealing, though I don't prefer those areas...
  14. I'm realizing that schedule should be a bigger factor in choosing my next job. I'm in a precarious place right now, psychologically. I need more time off, time to research, live, breathe, and hopefully find a support network. Maybe even a therapist, though I'm afraid of going to one.
  15. Worried. Worry has been worrying away at me since I woke up. Worry that I didn't get enough sleep. Worry and anger that I woke up too cold because I took my arms out from under the covers again in my sleep, and my feet weren't covered by the warmest blanket. Worried because I didn't seem to feel quite right, and I couldn't tell why. Worried because I have a Skype interview today. Worried because I'm so damn tired -- as usual -- and I don't want to walk to the store for food, and if I avoid it like last weekend, I'll get sick from hunger/blood sugar issues again. I'm so sick of worry, and helpless frustration. I'm worried because of other people, over choices I can't control. I'm worried I won't be able to handle their actions and my reactions. I'm worried that my emotions will get out of control, that it will hurt so much that I'll give up or get scared and retreat again. I'm worried about spirits beyond my control, and that I won't be allowed even to make the choice to be damned and go my own way, but will somehow be roped back in helpless to a misery and torture in religion that I just CAN'T handle anymore. I'm so scared. And I don't know what to do. I have an interview in less than an hour. I don't know how to get myself together and make myself focus.
  16. I also just feel really confused, scared, and haunted when it comes to religious matters right now. Ugh. My beliefs do not match up with any understanding of Christianity that I know of. Never have, never will. I know they don't have to. But it's lonely as hell, and very painful/scary when I come up against fundies/hardliners of the psycho variety. :( In the past, I tried in desperation to follow certain paths against my own heart and soul. It WRECKED my relationship with God, and with myself. And it left me with deep fears. Fear took over, and cast out my innocent, childhood love. Now, I have no relationship with God, and I'm not even sure I want one because I don't see how I can ever truly believe in my own real God again. I HATE the god of organized religion. But I'm also terrified of it, because I know it has no human pity. That sounds very bitter, but if you've seen what I've seen, it's clear. All I care about now...has nothing to do with religion. I wish I could just walk away from it all, but I'm too terrified. Not just of punishment, and being "unprotected," but also of losing the tiny, shadowy support it still provides me psychologically. I'm very fragile and alone right now. I'm working on changing that, but I'm a LONG way from strong yet. Sorry if it's against rules to talk about this here. I just don't know where to turn about this stuff, and it's a big part of my suffering.
  17. Woke up feeling lousy, trying to find my balance. I spent WAY too much time looking at FB this morning. lol. Wondering why people hadn't responded to messages, scrolling stuff that upset me even though I knew that wasn't helping and making me feel worse. *sigh* I just wish the effects of my wounds didn't make me keep exposing myself to things that add to my wounds. Or at least keep the old ones open. It's so frustrating that it's so hard to be healthful, to let myself heal. And I do mean let. I believe, and I've seen, that nature -- including us -- has such a strong inclination toward health, wholeness, and healing.
  18. I feel hurt. Lonely. Struggling. I really want to keep my balance psychologically and make it through this.
  19. I feel so guilty for staying up late again last night. I woke up this morning, and I just did NOT want to get up. I really need more sleep than I've been giving myself this week. Then I feel guilty for feeling guilty. Ugh...
  20. WHAT a day. The ups and downs and all arounds are not affecting me like they used to, though. I know that can only be a good sign. But I'm dead tired. I need to do something to unwind and then catch up on my sleep. At least one of my interviews went well. :) Now I have to give them a demo. :( Is it suitable? The location would be a dream. :D The boss seems pretty good. It seems well-matched to my skill set. But the other job also seems wonderful. :D And I'm going to keep applying. Hopefully I'll be torn between a handful of amazing, very suitable options. I need problems like that.
  21. I'm so TIRED. I can't catch a break the last few days. Partly, I've been staying up REALLY late. Which I'm promising myself I won't do anymore...and I'm trying to be patient with myself in keeping that promise. Patient, firm, and realistic. At least I've got a couple job interviews lined up. <<Wish I had the energy to feel like this. One is for a very cushy deal, and the other isn't bad at all, either. I can't WAIT to walk away from my current grind.
  22. Love this, too. I'm naturally very empathetic myself, and this kind of reaction has made me increasingly cautious about being "too" kind to males. Which I think is sad, even though I agree that we have to learn to guard ourselves because we live in a sad world. And I don't even necessarily get hurt by advances (it depends on the situation) . But I don't do casual, and I only move *really* slowly in that direction, no matter how strongly I'm tempted. Nothing makes me cut and run like aggression. I know that's a healthy response...but it takes a while to calm down and try to reach out in trust again. I think once you learn how to set boundaries and read the signs, you can start to attract the people who will love you back like you deserve. Do learn to guard your heart and take care of yourself, but don't think you're stupid or need to change who you are! Empathy is a beautiful gift, the basic foundation of love. It's something you need to guard, yes, and celebrate -- and something you need to in return from anyone you're going to be so intimate with.
  23. LOVE this. I agree with every word, except the marriage bit. There is nothing wrong with your empathy, Camellia! There's something wrong with people who see that as something they can use rather than something they want to celebrate and cherish. Speaking of which, maybe it's not my place to say, but this guy sounds very suspect to me. The way he keeps saying "I love you because of your support and how you help me"...this sounds like he wants you for what he can get out of you, not because he truly loves YOU. Now he talks heavily about sex. Let me ask you this: Does he support and help YOU as much as you support and help him? Are YOU able to do things you couldn't before because of him, like he's able to work because of you? Is he giving as good as he gets? I hate to say it like that, but it's very important to consider these things when it feels like someone is taking advantage of you, or wants to. Bottom line: if you don't want to have sex with him -- ANY kind of sex -- then don't.
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