I know what I have is situational depression. I see a therapist and we've talked about this extensively. She doesn't think I meet any criteria for a major depressive disorder (nor do I). I also have an education in psychology (extended) but obviously, I can't diagnose myself so I also see a therapist. I know in my own head I don't meet the criteria for a disorder. It's a situation that I'm in. That being said, I can't get out of it. There's no way out. At all. People tell me "just change things if you don't like it" as if I'm made of money or even have the ability. Even worse, I won't get out of this situation for at least 4 more years, if not 5, and I am watching my life waste away before me.
I am not suicidal and I don't want to die, as of now that is. I fear I'll get to a point where I'll think that's my only answer but I don't want to die. I fear death like crazy and I fear not being able to make something of my life before I die. What I believe the meaning of life to be is doing something important and memorable before you die. I want to make my mark and I want to leave some type of legacy. I am a writer and I have several things completed, manuscripts and screenplays. I have been able to make some connections but the city where I live there isn't a big industry for these things so making connections is very hard. The only reason I mention this is because it's part of my situational depression a HUGE part. Having some feeling that if I just left here and went to a city where maybe I could meet someone who is connected then I might have a chance. No, I don't think it's a guarantee, I don't even think I'm the best writer in the world but what I do know is that I have 0% chance getting noticed where I currently live because I have no ability to network.
So then you think "that's not such a big deal shut up" well for one it's a big deal to me and for two, that's not my only problem. I am up to my eyeballs in debt for a medical procedure I had to pay out of pocket for and that procedure isn't even "complete" I will own 7 thousand more dollars by the end of the year, which I don't have, so it's going to have to go on credit, bringing my debt right back up to where it was 2 years ago when I put the initial payment down. I can't get a job that's better than part time or minimum wage and it's not from lack of trying either. Unemployment is a huge problem where I live. I am constantly filling out job applications but the job I'm most suited for (I know because I've had it before) doesn't exist here. This job does exist in other cities though and in abundance, so once again, at very least I know that I could get this job if I moved from this city but guess what? I can't move, because I'm up to my eyeballs in debt. It makes saving to move out nearly impossible. I won't be out of debt until I'm nearly 40 years old and then what? My life will basically be over, and don't give me any stuff about how 40 is still young, technically yes it is, but not young enough for my liking to go out and pursue my dreams.
I also hate the people I live with. I hate my roommates with a passion. One of them isn't SO bad but he gets on my nerves and he uses my situation to manipulate me and guilt trip me into doing stuff I don't want to do. The problem is, he knows I need the money and he knows that 9 times out of 10 I CAN'T say no to him because I need his money. He makes a lot more than I do and I'm basically just renting a room at his house. I'm really sick and tired of this level of abuse from him, all emotional, but guess what? I can't move out. I seriously can't. People question why all the time but guess what? When you are in debt and can't save because you are paying off a huge medical bill every month and are also in a lawsuit to pay off a credit card because of identity theft from years ago, wanna know how easy it is to save? Well it's not. Even if I did put away say I don't know 50 dollars a month that would take years to move out. I have horrible credit cause of my debt so there's no chance of getting a house, I don't even own my own car. I also would have to be able to move to a place that will allow me to keep my dog and two cats which is seemingly impossible. The breed and size of my dog is banned at 99% of places around here that are "affordable" and even if he weren't, most places have a limit on 2 animals and I have three. I can't afford to board them for an extended period of time (because people keep suggesting this like I am made of money).
I don't talk to my family/parents because they were abusive as hell so, that's not an option. I don't have "friends" because I don't want them so there's no one else I can live with for a small period of time. Even if I managed to some how get enough for a security deposit on an apartment, well I don't make enough money a month to be able to live at one, by myself or with my animals. Because of the bills I have to pay immediately every month I'd have to be making at least 2500$ a month to move out on my own because a good chunk of that would immediately go to the debt I have to pay. No, I can't declare bankruptcy and no I can't get out of it and default on them or my meager wages will be garnished and I don't need that either (plus apparently I found out an employer can legally fire you for getting your wages garnished repeatedly so not going to risk it with how little I already make).
I hate the winter, I hate the snow, every year when winter hits my depression hits me harder than ever. This year for a good two months I was borderline suicidal because I hated the snow so much. I have chronic pain in my lower back due to two herniated discs and the doctors won't help me because they think for some reason I'm a drug addict even though I absolutely am not. I've done a few rounds of physical therapy but they won't offer me more than that for whatever reason. Keep in mind I've never even asked for drugs they just assumed I am an addict so I'm suffering with back pain on and off but still have to work, and I work two different jobs just to scrape by each month. Every other day I just sit and cry because of how much I hate my life and it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't feel like there was an answer but I just can't have it. I know what the answer here is, it's money, it's getting out of debt, it's fixing my credit...but I have no possible way to do any of that and I never will.
I feel hopeful that there COULD be a future for me if I could fix this but I also logically know I can't fix it. My therapist legit suggested to me that instead of trying to fix the impossible I just learn that "life sucks for everyone" and learn how to "cope" with being miserable until I die. So I guess my only option here is "give up, stop trying, and go to therapy to learn to live with the fact that my life is freaking awful" and I don't like that idea either. I am not just going to accept that everything is bad and there is no solution. The solution to my problem is getting more money or making more money, this is one of those very rare situations where money actually could buy happiness and I have no freaking way of getting just enough to pull myself out of the hell hole I'm in and I know that.
If you are going to suggest SSRIs and anti-depressants they don't work. I've tried a bunch already:
Yeah you name it I've tried it. I either had severe and dangerous physical side effects that put me in the ER or I became sucidal when I'm not at all suicidal when I'm not on the drugs. For instance, some of them make me SOOOO apathetic that I have no emotions and I feel numb which wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't aware that I felt numb. However, being aware that I don't have emotions and I can't feel anything anymore (love/hate/sadness/joy) makes me go insane. I need to feel things, the good and the bad, I'm not going to numb myself. The medications with the physical side effects were bad enough that some nearly killed me. No, I am not going to take any SSRIs as I think it's clear my problem isn't a chemical imbalance it's a crappy life situation. The one medication I was on for YEARS that did work, they won't give me anymore. Once again, no idea why. I saw a psychiatrist who prescribed me ativan regularly. Then I had to switch doctors because of my insurance and my new doctor lied to me and said "no doctor prescribes that to anyone anymore" which I know is straight up BS and I haven't been able to get the medication since that point.
I'm at the end of my rope and I've tried like hell to fix this situation, improve my mood, everything...nothing works and I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. When it's this bad what do you even do about it?