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Patton42

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  1. My birthday is approaching. For the last several years my wife and I have taken vacation time from work around each of our birthdays to do something fun. The person who is having the birthday gets to pick the activities. I can't think of a single thing that would be fun or interesting. I just feel so flat. I don't feel like going anywhere or doing anything.
  2. I like it when I'm by myself. Then I don't have to wear my happy mask.
  3. My other self-medication is sleep. I try to do that as much as I can.
  4. I guess I'm probably self-medicating with food, but I don't even enjoy eating anymore. I used to enjoy it and look forward when going to a special meal or going out to eat, but I don't any more. I lost my belt this morning, and none of my older one would fit any more. I guess that's what's triggering the intensity of my depression tonight.
  5. I really wish I could find the will to try to lose weight again, but I can't find the motivation to do much of anything. The time before when I tried very briefly to meet with someone she urged me to start by setting some small goals and steps to take. I can't find the motivation to make even a small change. I know how the book ends so why bother reading it all? I feel less motivated each day.
  6. About six years ago I decided I needed to get my life together. I was feeling very anxious and depressed. I believed the largest driver of my depression to be my weight. I was morbidly obese and had been all my life. I decided I could not live like I was any longer. I committed to take steps to address my problems. The first problem I addressed was my anxiety and depression. I’ve never wanted to talk to anyone about this. My wife knew a little, but I hid most of it from her as well. I decided I needed to get some help, so I finally decided to talk to my doctor. He prescribed Lexapro. Gradually things started to improve somewhat on that front. I still had the anxiety and depression, but they were not as acute. I felt I could manage them in the background since they were no longer creating a feeling of an out-of-control crisis. I next turned to the problem of my weight. I’ve never been successful on this front. I have had brief, modest success with some diet and exercise programs, but I never even dropped out of the obese designation. Every time I would eventually stall out, lose hope, and relapse only to have my weight go back to or beyond where I started. My doctor asked if I had ever considered bariatric surgery. I decided to look into it since nothing else worked. I had gastric bypass surgery. I believe this was in 2012. As with almost all patients who go through this surgery I immediately started having success. The early weight loss was quick and dramatic and felt very good. I got further this time than with anything else. However as before I eventually stalled out before getting out of the obese category. I gradually lost hope and stopped trying. I briefly started trying on the weight loss again. I believe this was in the spring of 2014. I was focusing on getting back to some regular exercise. Walking was always my main form of exercise, and when I have had some limited success at weight loss it has been when I have started doing a lot of walking. I started doing that again. I also started bicycling and was feeling pretty good about that. Just as I was starting yet another round of working on my weight I had an accident. I had a major fracture and surgical repair of my right ankle that completely took me off my feet for a month. 3-4 years later the ankle continues to be a problem. I walk with a cane and cannot walk long distances. Bicycling is also out. About 6 months ago I suffered another severe crisis of anxiety and depression. I ended up missing a week of work. My doctor doubled my Lexapro dosage, maxing out what I can take. It seemed to help, and I was again able to move those issues to the background. I have recently realized that my weight is back to about where it was before my bariatric surgery, and it continues to increase. I feel powerless to do anything about it. I can’t find any motivation to even try to do anything about it. I know how that always ends. In addition I can’t even use my “go-to” exercise plan if I could find the motivation to give it another go. At this time we are also going through a major crisis at my workplace. It is severe enough to make me question the long-term viability of my job. It is a good, well-paying job with good benefits. I’ve worked here for almost 20 years. I worry that if my job went away I would never be able to find an adequate replacement. I worry that my weight, age, and physical limitations would make it hard for me to find a good job. I’m not even sure I could find the confidence or motivation to put myself out there and try to find one. I honestly fear that one day I will be homeless and living on the street. My wife doesn’t work full time, and we are almost entirely dependent on my income. In addition we have three young adult children. None of them live at home, but neither are any of them in a highly stable financial situation. We still have occasions where they come to us with a crisis situation, and we use our financial resources to help them out of it. I don’t resent that, but it does make me worry that they will also suffer when my financial stability dissolves. All this creates feelings of failure and hopelessness. My anxiety and depression come roaring back, and I can’t determine where one issue stops and the other starts. I feel like I’m living a house of cards. It could all come crashing down at any moment. It all just feels so hopeless.
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