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sage_1912

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About sage_1912

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  1. sage_1912

    EMDR

    So I've recently began emdr work with my therapist to treat ptsd and I genuinely don't think I can handle it. It's really too much. I've been extremely suicidal lately and I feel delving back into traumatic memories is pushing me over the edge. But at the same time if I don't go through with it, I won't get better (although I don't even think emdr will work). Have any of you completed the emdr process? Did you find it extremely difficult to relive the memories? Was it worth it? Any info would be greatly appreciated, I feel like it's a lose lose situation and I'm hopeless. I really don't think I can do it and I feel nothing will EVER get better. Idk if I can even do this anymore.
  2. Hi, so this is like my seventh "I can't do this anymore" post because things get really bad and i have no one to talk to so i post, but then things always get worse. So here I am posting again. I really don't know how much more of this i can take. i have no one. I want to want to live but i dont. I dont want to live. i want to die, very badly. everything hurts so bad and im so tired. i just needed to say that. i just needed to tell someone. anyways, thank you for listening.
  3. Hi, so I've been living with depression/anxiety/PTSD for about 4 years now. My depression is treatment-resistant depression, meaning I don't respond to normal treatments like meds and therapy. I've gotten to the point where I'm barely living, and I'm scared I'm going to end up either throwing my life away because I let depression take over, or I'm gonna end up taking my life. My mom convinced me to try one last thing called Transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS), which supposedly has a crazy high success rate. The thing is, although I'm scared of letting depression ruin my life (I can see it beginning to do so,) I'm equally as terrified to get help for a couple of reasons. One, I really have no idea who I am without depression and that freaks me out; I feel like it IS me, so who would I be without it? Two, I find it comforting because it's so familiar. When I'm struggling I find it so comforting to let go and sink back into a state of depression, I don't know why I just do. If I can no longer shut down and numb it all out, that means I would feel everything, and I'd have to handle the realities of life without the option of using depression as a defense. Something I also worry about, which sounds stupid, I don't wanna be afraid to die. Being suicidal, I'm not living my life in fear of death, and I don't wanna live that way. I like not having that fear. I guess what I'm asking is, does anyone on here feel the same way? Has anyone recovered, who was scared before? How are you now? Also, has anyone tried the TMS treatment? Thank you guys lots *hugs*
  4. sage_1912

    i think i have BPD

    This does make sense, my dad is and has always been abusive, so I guess in a sense I have daddy issues haha. Also like you said earlier, about wanting to find a perfect fairytale romance that doesn't exist, my issue is I dated this one guy for a very long time, and even tho he was extremely abusive, he managed to put it in my head that he was my fairytale romance, so I struggle with feeling like no guy will ever amount to him even when I give no one a chance. I think that every male relationship that has ever meant something to me has been negative and so I feel I have to search for it constantly, and when I can't find this fantasy relationship I kinda spiral. Oh no reading this I can see why I can't find it
  5. sage_1912

    i my depression is bpd

    Hi, I'm really not sure if I'm posting in the right place but I'm worried I may have a borderline personality disorder. I was diagnosed with treatment-resistant major depression as well as anxiety and PTSD a few years ago. I read online that a major "cause" for TRD is actually a misdiagnosis. I had a past therapist mention BPD to me pretty recently and I thought it sounded like me. She went over the "symptoms" and I could relate to each one; firstly I have crazy bad abandonment issues. I feel I need to have a boyfriend or my life is pointless and I am worthless (I currently don't have a boyfriend so this is where I am). I have extremely unstable relationships, emotions, and sense of self. One minute I think I'm absolutely worthless and want to end my life and the next I think I'm above everyone. I have a history of suicide and self-harm, and I don't really consider myself THAT impulsive but I do find myself feeling the need to make rash decisions like getting tattoos I haven't thought through or buying pets I can't take care of to feel better without thinking about consequences. I'm not very outwardly aggressive but I hold a lot of anger inside and that really scares me. I can feel so much love, then turn around and want to end everyone. I also feel more lonely and empty than I can even explain like there is nothing or no one for me, no love for me no care no nothing and it's just me walking the earth watching the world through a glass wall. I could go on but basically, I'm all over the place and my emotions feel like a confusing and illogical mess. I sound very crazy, and actibg/feeling this way makes me hate myself even more. I don't mean to self-diagnose but I would like some input on whether or not I should seek professional help. I worry because if this is actually what it is, not depression, I don't wanna sit around feeling like this forever when I could just get proper help. An issue I have, is I am in college but (embarrassingly) my mom helps me a lot with my medical stuff because I can get easily overwhelmed and have a hard time being independent and taking care of myself. I mentioned it to her and she told me I was just looking for another label to identify by and to feel "special." which ouch hurts, she's not the one wanting to end her life and she's telling me how I feel. Anyway, I figured better to be safe than sorry and if there's a chance I can feel better I wanna take it asap. Also real quick, two things, one, is it possible to have depression AND bpd ? Also, if this is the case, I know there is a bad stigma surrounding the disorder, and I also know few people can hold healthy relationships. If anyone has experience, how do others react to your disorder? Hollywood portrays it to make it seem "crazy." Are you/have you been able to hold healthy relationships? Can you just tell me any and all of your experiences regarding others? If my treatment-resistant depression actually is bpd, I'm scared of people thinking I'm crazy and not wanting to be around me/friends with me/date me. Thank you much for the help:)
  6. Hi, I'm really not sure if I'm posting in the right place but I'm worried I may have a borderline personality disorder. I was diagnosed with treatment-resistant major depression as well as anxiety and PTSD a few years ago. I read online that a major "cause" for TRD is actually a misdiagnosis. I had a past therapist mention BPD to me pretty recently and I thought it sounded like me. She went over the "symptoms" and I could relate to each one; firstly I have crazy bad abandonment issues. I feel I need to have a boyfriend or my life is pointless and I am worthless (I currently don't have a boyfriend so this is where I am). I have extremely unstable relationships, emotions, and sense of self. One minute I think I'm absolutely worthless and want to end my life and the next I think I'm above everyone. I have a history of suicide and self-harm, and I don't really consider myself THAT impulsive but I do find myself feeling the need to make rash decisions like getting tattoos I haven't thought through or buying pets I can't take care of to feel better without thinking about consequences. I'm not very outwardly aggressive but I hold a lot of anger inside and that really scares me. I can feel so much love, then turn around and want to end everyone. I also feel more lonely and empty than I can even explain like there is nothing or no one for me, no love for me no care no nothing and it's just me walking the earth watching the world through a glass wall. I could go on but basically, I'm all over the place and my emotions feel like a confusing and illogical mess. I sound very crazy, and actibg/feeling this way makes me hate myself even more. I don't mean to self-diagnose but I would like some input on whether or not I should seek professional help. I worry because if this is actually what it is, not depression, I don't wanna sit around feeling like this forever when I could just get proper help. An issue I have, is I am in college but (embarrassingly) my mom helps me a lot with my medical stuff because I can get easily overwhelmed and have a hard time being independent and taking care of myself. I mentioned it to her and she told me I was just looking for another label to identify by and to feel "special." which ouch hurts, she's not the one wanting to end her life and she's telling me how I feel. Anyway, I figured better to be safe than sorry and if there's a chance I can feel better I wanna take it asap. Also real quick, two things, one, is it possible to have depression AND bpd ? Also, if this is the case, I know there is a bad stigma surrounding the disorder, and I also know few people can hold healthy relationships. If anyone has experience, how do others react to your disorder? Hollywood portrays it to make it seem "crazy." Are you/have you been able to hold healthy relationships? Can you just tell me any and all of your experiences regarding others? If my treatment-resistant depression actually is bpd, I'm scared of people thinking I'm crazy and not wanting to be around me/friends with me/date me. Thank you much for the help:)
  7. can someone please give me a reason not to end my life? a real reason, not the typical "you're loved, it will get better, you would hurt your loved ones" crap. were you ever this low? how did you pull yourself out? im hurting so much and im done with this life. please help me.
  8. sage_1912

    strength not to go back

    about a year ago i broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years. he was a narcissist, extremely abusive, and really messed me up. i have been having an extremely difficult time getting over him. due to friend situations, i saw him for the first time in a long while the other day and it really broke me. heres the thing, ive recieved counseling, and i see through his games. i know how he works, feels (or lack thereof) and i know he never did love me. i know his agenda and i know he sees me as nothing more than an ego boost. i get it. even tho i understand these things and the twisted way he works i still want to be with him. even tho he hurt me in all ways possible, mentally, emotionally, physically, even tho i KNOW he would just throw me away again and again, i would take him back no questions asked. because this time ive spent without him hurts ten times more than the hurt he caused me. i hurt more now than i did with him. i am suicidal, and its not just because i miss him even tho this is a big piece of the whole problem, and im really losing my motivation. i know i mean nothing to him but honestly i dont care. im really holding on to the statistic that narcissists most always try to come back, which he has multiple times in the past. i feel like such a loser, im literally sitting around waiting for my sicko ex boyfriend to come pick up his leftovers. but i cant help it and i dont know what to do. either way i lose. i try to get help, i try to move on and heal i really do but its not working. i know im stupid, i know this is a stupid and pathetic thing to be so upset over. please, any advice? it would mean lots <3
  9. sage_1912

    ex abusive relationship help

    Hi:) your words really mean a lot, I also remember that his father was an abusive narc as well (although his parents were split) so it's easy to see the cycle. I recently had surgery so my mind has been pretty distracted, I've been alright the past few days, thank you for asking! The issue for me is, I do feel I have taken some big steps forward, I mean I see right through him now and I recognize this behavior within other people. You'd think this meant I was "healed," but even with the knowledge I have, and even though I recognize that the person I knew wasn't even a real person, just an image he created that he thought I'd like? I still see myself running back. I'm not sure why that is, but it makes me worry I'll never really be able to move on. Again, thank you so much for your time :)
  10. Hello, I'm gonna try to make this short because it's a long story but basically my dad has been an abusive drunk my whole life, and it seems to be getting progressively worse. I used to be in an extremely abusive relationship as well that really still effects me but I'm having trouble healing because my dad is continuing to treat me similar ways, bringing up similar feelings and keeping me in this mindset. I struggle really bad with severe depression/anxiety/PTSD and I was getting better, but recently I had to deal with some events in life that set me way back. I'm in college now, and I just came home for summer. so I'm not always with my dad anymore but when I am I want to end my life, he's kinda the cherry on top of all my stressors. I do not want to cut him out of my life. I hate him for being this way but he's still my dad, and he can be so supportive sometimes. but when he's not he makes me seriously hate myself and I want to give up. while I'm in college it still weighs on me, because even tho I can somewhat escape it, my mom and siblings cant, and I worry so much about them. He has always been worse to me and my mom, so I'm not as worried about my siblings as I am with her. He treats women badly more. I'm worried if I have to deal with this much longer things will get really terrible for me mentally and I will fall back into a really bad place that I worked very hard to get out of. I'm scared of him, and I know he see's me as a disappointment even though I work so hard just to get his approval. he told us we weren't the family he wanted. he really makes me hate myself so much and don't know what to do. I'm already very messed up from my previous relationship so this kinda acts as reinforcement to me makes me feel like I have a valid reason to hate myself, I mean two of the most important people in my life who are supposed to love me most treat me like this, so in my head I must deserve it. I'm also pretty sure he's having an affair. please please help, what do I do?
  11. Hello, so I've been really struggling recently with a past abusive relationship. I met him when I was 15 and we were together for 3 years, which I know isn't that long, but it feels that way at such a young age. It was a really big part of my life and it was really really bad, he was a narcissist. A year later, I still struggle with severe depression/anxiety/PTSD which were kinda triggered by these events, and I still find myself experiencing episodes where I miss him really bad. It makes me feel weak and pathetic. I tried to confide in friends but they told me to stop being "obsessive" and move on, which made me feel stupid, also it's not really that easy. Is it wrong to still struggle a year later? Or to miss him? Does anyone have any similar experiences? How long did it take for you to move past him/her? I feel like there's something wrong with me. I'm getting professional help, I'm trying to meet new people and focus on the future, I really am trying hard to move past it and stop letting it affect me but it's not working, especially since he's still a part of my life through family and friends and there's really nothing I can do about it. I wonder if it's because it happened at such a defining and impressionable age? I felt happiest when I was with him even tho he was horrible. I'm hurting a lot now, and combined with some other things I'm struggling with, I feel like I'm reaching the end of my rope. Thank you so much for any help.
  12. sage_1912

    abusive relationship help

    Hello, so I've been really struggling recently with a past abusive relationship. I met him when I was 15 and we were together for 3 years, which I know isn't that long, but it feels that way at such a young age. It was a really big part of my life and it was really really bad. A year later, I still struggle with severe depression/anxiety/PTSD which were kinda triggered by these events, and I still find myself experiencing episodes where I miss him really bad. It makes me feel weak and pathetic. I tried to confide in friends but they told me to stop being "obsessive" and move on, which made me feel stupid. Is it wrong to still struggle a year later? Or to miss him? Does anyone have any similar experiences? How long did it take for you to move past him/her? There are still places I can't go, songs I can't hear, etc without having an emotional breakdown. I feel like there's something wrong with me. I try to heal, I really do. I try really hard to move past it and stop letting it affect me but it's not working, especially since he's still a part of my life through family and friends and there's really nothing I can do about that. I wonder if it's because it happened at such an impressionable age? In a messed up way I felt happiest when I was with him even tho he was horrible, and I want that back SO bad. I'm hurting a lot now, and combined with some other things I'm struggling with, I feel I'm reaching the end of my rope. Thank you so so much for any help.
  13. I've been struggling with an eating disorder for a long time now, ive ALWAYS struggled with my weight. i recently went on phentermine and lost a lot of weight, and ive been feeling a little better about my body and started eating somewhat regularly again. however, i finished my meds and i weighed myself for the first time in a couple months (i used to every day) and i gained some back. ive had many severe panic attacks over this and i am TERRIFIED of gaining weight, so now my eating has gotten worse than ever, im only eating a tiny fraction of the calories i should be. i know restricting calories will make you gain weight in the long run, and although that thought makes me panic, the thought of eating normally makes me panic as well. i've tried working out/going to a nutritionist/healthy dieting but doing anything related to weight management, esp exercise gives me crippling anxiety and doesnt even seem to show any affect on my body. i just cannot physically bring myself to eat a normal amount and on top of that i have hypothyroidism so my body just loves to pack it on and never let go. i guess i just feel stuck because every option i have has some sort of consequence. i have a suicidal history due to other issues, and the thought of gaining weight brings those feelings back up. just the thought of exercising alone brings these feelings up. i would rather die than gain weight, and i dont know what to do. there are some other things im struggling with too and theyre all just sending my depression spiraling out of control and suicide is starting to become a reality again. im only in college, so ive tried asking my parents to help me get help but they dont take me seriously, we cant really afford this on top of treatments for my other issues, and i just cant bring myself to tell them the severity of how im feeling with suicide and all, it would break them and they get really angry at me, and feeling like a burden to your parents doesnt really help. im scared and would love any advice or help.
  14. hi! so ive been on wellbutrin for around a year now, and i currently take 200mg twice per day, so 400 in total. i am in no way a heavy drinker, ive tried to stay away from alcohol for the most part due to bad experiences with my dad, however im in college and im planning on going out tomorrow night with some friends. ive tried all year to refrain from alcohol because ive heard you should never consume it while on wellbutrin due to risk of seizures, but i would really like to have a couple drinks. ive heard many stories from "i took a sip and had a seizure" to "i drink excessively every day and no effect." i dont have a history of seizures either. im getting tired of going out and not having fun because im completely sober. i have severe anxiety and would like to enjoy myself. i dont plan on drinking regularly but i would like the option of a drink or two once in a while or on special occasions. ive tried multiple meds and this is the only one that really works for me, so switching isnt really an option. i know ill be on it for a long time, and i dont like the idea of never being able to drink again. any advice/experiences would be great! thanks so much
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