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Everything posted by sabiflitch

  1. 1. I made a doctor's appointment finally. Unfortunately she is booked until October, but I got an appointment for Oct 23rd. I'm going to get a physical and hopefully a referral to a psychiatrist, so I can get on some medication and hopefully regain my life. She will be my regular doctor, pretty sure. 2. I finally requested my last W2 I needed to make my tax extension deadline here soon, and get perhaps get some money back. 3. I called my social worker at my local Health and Human Services offices, so see about getting unemployment for now.. I just don't feel mentally strong enough to go back to work yet, even though it has almost been a year. I left a message, so hopefully she will get back to me soon. If not I guess I can just go in when they open and just wait to be seen, even if it takes a few hours of waiting. Today seems okay. I'm proud of myself for making a doctor's appointment, it's been well overdue for me to get that going. My mom and my best friend told me they were proud of me for taking the first step toward getting better. Wish my boyfriend would of said something like that, but he has his own things going on in his head. I haven't done anything else today besides eat. I don't usually get any type of energy or motivation until 1-2 pm. It's almost 12 pm now. My head and heart is still aching, just due to the fact I feel more like a friend to my boyfriend, than I do a girlfriend. The fact that I feel like he's closer to his ex's and his guy friends than he is to me. The fact that he isn't nearly as affectionate or considerate toward me as much as he used to be. It's not even a bad thing either, it has helped me distance myself mentally and just focus on me. He asked me for a back rub this morning, well he didn't really ask as much as he was like "My shoulders are super sore right now" and I said "I'm sorry babe, mine do too" and got up to use the restroom. He's like "So no rubs?" and I continued my pee, lol, ignoring him. Other than that, I am only anxious for him to come home. Trying to train myself not to be. Mind is racing a bit atm, but I just need to relax. Also, I may be hanging out with my boyfriend's cousin's girlfriend on Saturday. We might go to Home Depot to pick out some paint, then I will help her paint their studio. I am feeling nervous about Saturday and was wondering if maybe I should just not follow through, but I think I will try to make myself go with her. I need to get out as much as I can I think. Plus we get along really well and she actually watches some of the silly shows I watch too.
  2. Yes, and I believe it is very healthy actually. I have been considering getting rid of my Instagram for a while. It is my only form of social media, but I spend a lot of time on it, comparing myself to other girls/other people's lifestyles, getting down.. I am quite addicted to the humor side of Instagram, so it will suck not being able to see all the funny videos, but a simple deactivation or deleting the app while keeping your account, is still a good idea.
  3. He isn't in love with me the way I am with him. That's for sure. I've been coping with this by kind of distancing my "heart" from him. I don't call him certain "pet" names anymore and I'm not as sensitive to him. Feels nice actually..
  4. Yeah.. a lot of times he does make me feel bad. Things are tough right now, a lot of financial stress, and me having a real struggle with my depression/anxiety. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of and like my feelings aren't as important to him and his own. I get tired of him asking me for a back/foot massage, grab me this, do this, and then I get little to no patience with him. Then he does something sweet, but it doesn't exactly make up for how I have felt lately. I don't understand why he is comfortable calling his ex that.
  5. Thank you for the kind and thoughtful response, @quentin360 It is exactly how you described. My emotions, when shifting, come on so suddenly and violently. It shuts me down, I become unresponsive to most external things. My partner is beginning to recognize when my moods change and he will ask me if I'm okay. When I'm upset or anxious, I can't look people in the eye. Not even the closest people to me like my partner and my best friend of 15 years. When my partner says my name, I automatically wonder what I did wrong or what he needs from me. I have preset thoughts that are not in my control right now. I'm at least going to try to find a psychiatrist.. I just feel like a loser to my partner, he wants me to get a job but he doesn't understand the struggles I go through every moment of every day. These past few months, my depression has gotten worse. I'm awfully tired by 7-8pm, wake up early the next day, and then usually during the late afternoon I am able to nap, but I don't want to sleep all day.
  6. That's a really great idea, I didn't think about that. Plus, it's definitely hot enough for smoothies. Sounds good!
  7. I'm convinced my depression and the fact that I do not do anything all day, are the reasons I can't eat much. On the week days I usually eat something small around 10 am, maybe snack on something a little later, then I won't eat again until dinner. I feel hungry when I'm cooking, but when it comes time to sit down and eat, I can't finish half of anything on my plate. I had fish, rice, and broccoli last night, didn't eat half of anything. My boyfriend has been finishing my meals for me, especially if we go out and he doesn't want what he bought to go to waste.. or we take it home and he eats it later. On the weekends I usually have somewhat of a better appetite, because I'm not as nervous as I am during the weekdays, but I never finish my meals. Soups/stews are easy for me to eat all of, and small finger foods. I haven't seemed to have lost any weight, nor gained any due to my wacky diet. Sometimes I smoke, thinking the munchies will help me eat, but it doesn't. I want to eat more because I need the energy, but my stomach just won't accept that much food. The unhealthy part of my brain is happy about this because I have always had issues with body image, so "the skinner the better" eats at me, while my reasonable brain says "Nah"
  8. Yeah, that is what I am afraid of. I was diagnosed with BPD and clinical depression at 14 but I was too young for an accurate diagnosis, due to puberty being such a strong factor in my mood swings. I rarely experience mania. I don't even like calling it "mania" because it's more like I just get excited about something, so it makes me feel better, or I think of a joke, and once the thrill of how I feel is gone, usually within minutes, I'm back to my depressed state. I am able to feel joy, it just doesn't really get to me much since my depression has plummeted further down this year. It's basically rolled downhill like a snowball. I guess when I try to evaluate my symptoms throughout the years, it's a very steady depression sided with social anxiety, and that type of anxiety where you are nervous all the time because you grew up very dysfunctional.
  9. I'm right there with you. If only we could wake up together, because for me, nothing helps more than being around someone who feels the same.
  10. My moods do swing throughout the day. I'm like you, could be sobbing one minute, then laughing my butt off the next. This has been with me for 10 years love. It is exhausting. I don't like associating my behavior with bipolar because bipolar mood swings are more like.. manic for 2 days, depressed for 2.. etc. The ups and downs last longer in between "swings". I lean more toward BPD with PTSD. But, I don't wanna self diagnose.
  11. I'm sorry, sort of, that I everything isn't as easy for me to do as it is for you. You always say "everybody goes through this, you just need to try harder". And when I tell you my anxiety and depression is as natural as breathing or blinking, you still continue saying what you say. You tell me not to be hard on myself, and to stop being negative in the morning. You don't understand, you truly do not. Don't tell me you do, and don't you dare get mad at me when I tell you that you are wrong about something concerning me. I don't wake up and think anything. I wake up and I feel everything. I wake up tight, exhausted, and quite sad to start my day. My quietness isn't always a sign that something is wrong, that anything really happened. It is because I'm so drained, I can't sum up the energy to laugh or to respond with enthusiasm, at least, believable enthusiasm. You give me so many things to do during the day, hoping it will do me good to keep me busy, completely ignorant to the fact that I lack the energy and motivation to do what you want me to do for you, let alone do the basic necessities to care for myself. It's been almost 1 year since you've pestered me to help you with that stupid eBay stuff, why can't you do it yourself? You say it's for me, so I can keep making my payments. But in the time complaining and nagging me to do it, you could have had it done. I'm tired of hearing my name being called every minute of the day. Sam, can you grab me a smoke? Sam, can you find me some work socks? Sam, where's my tablet? Sam, have you seen my checkbook? Sam, where are my keys? Oh and let's not for get how he always blames me for things going missing. Sam, you're the last one who had it. Seriously you need to start focusing more. Sam, blah blah blahhhhh. If I didn't care about you I wouldn't do what I do for you, even if it is not much these days. I still make efforts to help keep your house nice. I do what I can in my state of mind and it's not a lot.. sometimes it's literally nothing. But you don't have consideration for me it feels. You do, yet you don't. I feel loved, and I feel despised. And one thing that p***** me off was when we were out eating recently and I was distracted, I was people watching. Football was on tv, there was a crowd coming in, and we were sitting at the bar. I couldn't hear you call my name, even though you were right next to me. Then the next thing you have to say to me is "Okay, I'll just talk to myself then. Sure, cool." Then you said I was purposely ignoring you. That I made you feel like I didn't want to be there with you. I then asked you why you didn't just simply tap my shoulder or leg and say maybe "Hey babe did you hear me" I would have been like "Oh Im sorry baby, what were you saying? I was totally distracted for a minute!" And you had the NERVE to respond with "I shouldn't have to tap you to get your attention, you should have been listening to me." That statement really made me see you differently, and it kind of made me love you a little less. If I had a dollar, no, a penny, for every time at home or when we are out, that you have ignored me after I tap you or say your name 10 times. When I finally get upset because YOU ignore me, you just say "Well I was busy, you interrupted." or worse, you turn around and get frustrated at me. I have said so many times that if you would just simply answer me or tell me you can't think about it atm, I'd leave it alone. You are like a lot of men, who just act like a d**k but then fall to pieces if you catch a cold or feel ignored by your girlfriend. You are not considerate. And maybe it just feels this way because I'm not doing anything with my life. <--- That's my brain trying to defend his behavior, don't listen to her!
  12. That's a good idea too. I guess I could look at it as more of a reminder and not a task.
  13. He does try to talk to me about my feelings, but he doesn't know how. He always upsets me with what he says. I could talk about something he might have said or done that upset me, and he will respond with something along the lines of how I need to stop over reacting, or how I need to stop blaming him. I just don't engage anymore with him or my friends, because no one is kind or smart enough to listen. My mom is the only one I have to talk to.
  14. I was confident, listening to some uplifting music/videos, cleaned a bit, and was going to make a phone call. I can't find my phone, though. The effort to look would mean I need to clean up the house, or actually, mess it up more due to the fact I don't know where it is. I feel exhausted now and hopeless. I'm eating because I'm bored, and I just want to go lay down but at the same time I don't. I feel like I already failed myself today and for the rest of the year.
  15. I know it's wrong, and I definitely have some self esteem and trust issues, but am I wrong for feeling this way? I went through my boyfriends texts the other day, which I really need to stop doing.. and I saw a short conversation between him and his ex girlfriend Melissa. She was only asking something about cars/mechanics around town, and she greeted him by his name in the text, but he responded with "Hi meow!" which is what he calls me. He dated Melissa for a really long time, I think he said almost 9 years. I understand he has had to get out of the habit of calling her certain things.. but me and him have been together for almost 3 years now. Shouldn't he be over this by now, the habit of calling her that? I told him about it, but I didn't make a big deal out of it. He just said "Baby, stop worrying. You're good. I love you." But, still, I won't be calling him that anymore. I'd prefer him not to call me that but I don't want to seem like I'm making a huge deal of it.
  16. Wow, that does sound kind of humiliating. That would pi** me off, but seeing as you have been there for nearly 30 years, I understand why quitting is not a thought for you. Do any of them cause a problem or anxiety for you? I had no idea they had "improvement plans" Stay strong my friend, we are all rooting for you.
  17. I have not made a vision board but that sounds like a good idea. Im embarrassed to do it though... because if I fail it's going to hurt.
  18. Hi Lemonade27. I can relate to you so much. I haven't looked for a job since my DUI back in November. Lost my car because of it, but before that it was still a struggle for me to work. I had to quit that job after I was released from jail. I was an alcoholic at 19 when I got my first job as a waitress, that combined with my depression and intense social anxiety, made for a terrible waitress in me. I was fired after 3 weeks. I then got another job as a secretary, but due to whatever was going on with me.. I worked for 2 months then ran away to a sexual abuser, which I lived with for 3 months, and did sex work for those 3 months. I eventually moved back home to California and got a job at a retail clothing store. I actually worked there for 6 months. It started out great, like always. Then I began to feel my anxiety about a couple days of working. My inability to be on time anymore, to eat properly or at all that day, to shower, to fall asleep/stay asleep, to get up, not being able to look my bosses in the eyes, or customers. A customer fell in front of my register once and I just ignored her, I went into shock, bagged her items, and just looked around in sort of a panic. I almost got fired that day. Another time, I forgot how to use the phone system to call for help when I opened the store one Sunday morning. A huge line was building and I was the only cashier at the desks, when there is always supposed to be two. The customers began to complain and I just ran to the dressing room to ask for help, then got called to the office by my boss, and ridiculed. I was in trouble but I did let her know I was not taught very well (I couldn't admit my anxiety made me forget at the time, why would she care?) So my point is, I have no good job history or good job experiences to make me feel like I can do it. I just can't do anything and I can hardly make a simply phone call to better myself. But today that is my only goal. If I can just get a hold of a doctor I can get on the road to my recovery.
  19. I recently posted about how I think my history with sexual abuse is the underlying issue with a lot of my issues. It was a tough, tough thing to go through and quite scary at times. But when I am feeling extremely low, or stuck in my life, I feel the want to indulge in that again. Because it was sort of an escape. A really f**cked up sort of escape. I would obviously never go back to that. I think when I am so depressed, I want to punish myself. I have a history of self-harm and I have a pattern of not eating, both happen if I am extremely upset and "hyped" because of it. I think I feel the desire to go back to abuse because deep inside I feel I should be punished, for whatever reasons my brain feeds me. I could clearly never tell my partner about that. Today my goal is to find a doctor who can recommend me to a psychiatrist. I am a bit slow from my head injury the other day, but I can at least do some online work and make phone calls. One thing at a time, right?
  20. I just read about EMDR therapy online after seeing your response and it seems really interesting. I'd like to give it a go just for fun, but in all seriousness yes. I mean I feel like I haven't had enough trauma in my life to give me PTSD but then again I never give myself credit/value with most things so, maybe I have, but who knows. We will see.. Thank you!!!!
  21. I somehow took a fall with my friend, he is okay, but I hit my head either on the bumper of his truck or the concrete. Guess my eyes rolled back before they took me to the ER where I was given a CAT scan. I just have a huge hematoma on the back of my head and a gnarly contusion on my right pinky finger. Thank god it's not broken. Just feeling like poop now.
  22. "I've got a life to live." I like that, makes total sense. I liked the show Ugly Betty too, it was decent. A lot of times I am really happy with how I look, but it's a weird battle. I know if I had confidence and some drive, I would be really attractive lol.
  23. Ran away from home at 17 and lived out of state for 4 years Ran away a second time at 22, became a cam girl and was willingly beaten and badly abused by a man I met online for 3 months. Would be forced to greet him naked, never to walk ahead of him, always serve him food first, and embarrass myself if he wanted me to. Sometimes I'd get hit but most of the time he just had fun making me feel bad about myself, like my body, and then shortly after "praising" me for what I looked like. Sex and my body was all I had to my worth during those years. And although sex isn't a worry with me as much, I still am stuck with the deeply rooted belief that if I am not beautiful, sexy, attractive in any way, I am garbage. I am unlovable, even though I know that isn't true, I still feel it. I still believe it even if I don't. I'm a really grateful person I think and I hate complaining but sometimes I feel so alone with my thoughts, and yet I'm too low and below to even get on the phone with a psychiatrist.
  24. Thank you. It's hard to love myself, mostly because I don't do anything that gives me self-worth. But.. I understand and see what you're saying and I'm going to change my attitude for the rest of the day.
  25. Yeah that is true. I feel better now thank god. Morning times are usually when my depression is at it's worst and it's all I can do to break out of it before it consumes my entire day!
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