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Here2Help2

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  1. Well said, Entoo. That is the secret to a better life. Although many people here are really burdened by seemingly unsurmountable problems, a few actually need to adopt a proper perspective first, just as the one you described.
  2. What I can add here is that even if it hurts, always use these inputs as reasons to improve yourself in some way. Like, now that you she said something about your personality, try to observe her body language or reaction when you do certain things. It could be anything, for some women it is butting in during a conversation, or breaking scheduled dates or in some of my friends, wanting to go home early when the girls are still chit chatting. And also focus more on the positive things she said about you and downplay the negative.
  3. Hi Emoreo, It really is hard with all these negativity and she works at her parents and lives with one of the half-brods. Encourage her to keep going to the counselor but her diet really seems to be wrecking havoc on her health. One day she will end up in a hospital. You might need to sacrifice a bit and not to take her breakdowns personally. I don’t mean to minimize what she is doing to you, but you might need thicker skin and you might be her only hope. One thing you might want to try is to learn how to prepare simple health dishes at first and encourage her to eat other fruits such as banana, apple, and also nuts, and other healthier options, which actually improve brain health and function.
  4. That is terrible, Entoo. I am sorry that this is happening to you. But please do not hate your life, there must be good things in your life that can give you hope and make you smile. Focus on these/ Simple things, everyday blessings, people who are nice to you, even strangers, a breathe of fresh air at the park, etc. There is always something, we just have to look hard and learn to appreciate them.
  5. Hi Treq, I agree with these guys. It seems that you did miss a lot from your childhood and were not taught life coping skills. But you can learn all these, maybe slowly, but we are at an age where you can learn anything. My father lost his at a young age and lack a lot of skills. He never taught me anything but I was sure he loved me. I learned skills by observing others, asking questions, made a lot of mistakes. It takes time but these can be acquired. Wanting and trying to be able to do so many things immediately will be frustrating. But you are still young, just be patient. And also, have you considered getting some therapy? A professional might be able to help you tone down some emotions and suppress unhelpful and self-defeating thoughts to ease a little bit. And try not worry about having friends. Enjoy being alone first, which can be learned. I came to this country all alone. I did have some income, so I go to the movies by myself, spend time at the library, parks and mall. I did not pay attention to people who looked at me, I just had great fun and appreciate that I have a job and a better life than where I came from. If you learn to enjoy yourself and develop a good disposition, it will show and people will start to like being around you. But it also takes some practice. I talk to strangers just to strike a conversation, even though I am an introvert, and most people are nice especially more elderly ones. All I am saying is lower the goal a little bit, do not focus too much on what you do not have and enjoy the little things and pleasures in your life that you do have.
  6. Hi JD4010, I am sorry about your girlfriend. I know it is painful and I do not want to add more pain but is it possible that she tried to distance herself because she knew something was coming and was trying to insulate you from getting hurt? Forgive me if my questions seem stupid, I do not have the whole picture but have you met in person? Is there a way you can check if she is physically okay or well? She cannot call you if her health issues are preventing her. I am sorry if I am intruding too much. I just feel so sorry for your loss.
  7. I am sorry for the topsy turvy situation you are going through, jeffreyd. It is really difficult but there might some things that you can do to manage all these. The key here I think is to get hold first of your job situation. Without a job you might not be able to help your parents. You said that you never stressed that much before. So, the onslaught of all these problems is harming you and affecting your work performance. The second thing I would think of is get some help if you can. May I ask if you are single? If you have other relatives or friends of your parents, they might be able to help in some way. You might also want to try getting help from churches nearby, not only for advice but sometimes people in churches lovingly help in very real and practical ways such as accompanying your mom to her appointments. I know because my mom was helped and when I had an accident they helped bring me to my appointments as well. It might not be everything but these little things can chip at your worries one at a time. I hope your situation gets better.
  8. Hi gandolfication, Try selflessness and humility. It is hard to pull it off in a cut-throat society where everyone seems to take advantage of you and you need to put your needs in first place. But in other societies where everyone is self-giving and considers others first, there is a certain type of peace and trust that you just want to give in return. You seem to have felt that with Oscar K’s commendation. And with Epictetus’s experience when caring for animals. When we give of ourself, we get something in return and under the radar you get self-respect. Ladysmurf’s great suggestion of not comparing is actually founded on humility. You cannot stop comparing without humility working underneath first.
  9. Hi there lackluster, People sometimes hate themselves because they do not understand who they really are. We all make mistakes, a lot of mistakes. But when we start to see ourselves as useless, losers or good-for-nothing, that’s what we unwittingly become … unsure of ourselves, afraid to make decisions, commitments, and we pile up one mess after another. The opposite of this of course, is to appreciate our true nature–a collection of intellect, skills, and potential. Consider going to a church and talking to a pastor who can explain further that you are a wonderful gift, and that you have value, and that seeing yourself properly can help with your depression and even start to have a better life. There are also a lot of selfless volunteers in many churches today who can help you with many necessities such as getting food or groceries, getting to doctors appointments. I know because I was the beneficiary of such kindness in my time of need. Why don’t you give it a try. I hope that you will get better soon.
  10. Hi Sir Robin, I hope that you do get one of the jobs that you are aiming for. I also did exactly what you did when I was young, I quit my job with nothing else lined up. And I burned through my savings. Then a friend told me about the ratchet principle. A ratchet allows you to move forward but stops you from moving backwards. So, from then on, I made sure that I have a new job before quitting and it would be a financially better one. I never burned my bridges since I might end up working with them again or in case I need a good reference. As for your father, he sounds old school to me, like from an earlier generation such as a baby boomer who see themselves strongly as defined by work. But we owe a lot to them because their hard work laid the foundations of our economy today. I would consider just ignoring his negative comments, they come form a sort of different world and a different mentality. So, I would think that when he says, self esteem, it is mainly about employment. That’s how my dad and uncles think. But I would not entertain the idea of something bad happening to him. Hindsight is 20/20 and we have to be careful with what we wish for. We don’t want anybody thinking of us in the same way. I hope this does not offend you.
  11. Don’t be sorry for sharing your sentiments. It seems like everybody has somehow let you down. It might be helpful to your emotional health to sort of build a foundation on yourself first, that is, to at least enjoy being alone. You can have a friend, a gf, a supporter, a loved one but they all can disappear from your life. What will always be there is yourself, so if you don’t feel like something is wrong or missing when you are all by yourself you will be okay. It will not happen automatically. You need to train yourself not feel weird or awkward when you go to places by yourself like the mall, park, a coffee shop or museum. I did that a lot when I was single and I can do activities by myself or with others. There is nothing wrong with going to the movies all by yourself, you might actually find it quite enjoyable. If your cousin is not available, dare yourself, go watch Sailor Moon and have fun. Just focus on the movie and don’t pay attention to the people around you.
  12. Hi Randall, Your shame and guilt is a good sign because it means that you are not in denial and that you know that you need to change. Now you need help from an objective party who can help you on this bondage. I recommend that you look up the Every Man’s Battle program. They have a comprehensive program, an Intensive workshop, and books. They also have a radio program where you can ask them directly about your situation. The website is https://newlife.com/. Until you fight and beat this addiction, it is immaterial whether you tell your wife or not. Eventually she will find out and if you can show that you are sincerely taking steps, the results might be more positive. But the bottom line is you need to get rid of this addiction if you want to have a good family life.
  13. Hi Jonathanmja, Welcome to the forum. I am a newbie myself. It’s a good thing that you are reaching out to chat with someone. This is important even if it is not face to face. Is it ok if I ask why you are depressed? Everyone has all kinds of depressing problems and situations and they vary a lot. But no matter what specific situation is pulling you down there is someone here who can help you with good advice.
  14. Hi Chosen, The past experience with these three women have nothing to do with the current one, so try to forget the past as much as you can. And do not bring it up too much especially that they cheated on you because she might start looking for faults in you that might not even be there. Feeling lonely when you are all by yourself is something you must first deal with. You must enjoy or at least be alright when you are alone. Try not to depend too much on others for your happiness. When I was single, I enjoyed my time alone by doing some activities a few here and there, not doing one thing for too long. Examples are reading, watching tv, walking at the park or mall, going out with friends. I moved to a new city and just enjoyed going around and seeing places and events and because I had a good disposition, smiling and saying hi to people, eventually I had friends and later a girlfriend. So, just enjoy her company and try not to stress too much about it.
  15. Hi GAJ123, I have been to a third world country where people live in cardboard houses and as long as they have something to eat they are happy. Now, please don’t be offended, I just want to show that perspective has a lot to do with contentment. We are definitely richer than they are but we see other people here who are so much richer than us, better jobs, big houses, and that makes us feel left out in some way. Maybe you can try to consider learning to appreciate what you have, no matter how small or simple and try not to pay too much attention to others who are doing better, and you might start enjoy what you currently have. Mental illness unfortunately affects your life but it helps better to accept that this is the life you have and you might as well enjoy it as much as you can. Millions of people do not reach their “potential” but who can really say what one’s potential is? We did not have a smart phone in our family ever since Apple and Samsung came out with these great gadgets. We only got smart phones this year because my son is going to college. But because we decided as a family that we don’t need it yet we stuck with our flip phones for years and didn’t pay attention to what others have. And we learned to appreciate what we had. Going back before the smart phones, I remember a time when no one had a cell phone and we were fine. Sadly, I have friends and relatives who truly cannot afford these smart phones but do not want to feel left out. Sometimes we need to be practical and see simple things in life as good enough. As you enjoy your life and not stress out on what you could have been, your health might improve with a good and positive outlook in life. Sometimes that does happen. I hope you feel better, GAJ123.
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