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  1. @20YearsandCounting I think Misha Collins is amazing, as both an actor and an activist, and I love Castiel as a character, so I don't blame you for your feelings at all! I won't spoil Supernatural for you, but I will say that there's SOOOOO much more story to come! Also, I have to say, speaking of Sherlock, that a couple of years ago, my CO was Benedict Cumberbatch. I am now over him completely, to the point where I can barely tolerate him onscreen! It's so weird how someone who I spent over a year obsessing over and fantasising about having a mad, passionate love affair with leaves me completely cold now. I've been there with attempting to stay away from the internet and social media. And I also do the thing where even if I manage to stay away from the computer, I still have my imagination and about a thousand pictures and videos and Twitter updates and god knows whatall that run through my head. It's exhausting. I don't have any advice for you, I'm sorry, but I can tell you that you're not alone.
  2. Yes, this is definitely part of it. I daydream about us meeting and just clicking instantly. Just listening to him talk about his interests in art and film and music, I feel like he would "get" me in a way that nobody has in a very, very long time. And it's kind of hilarious, because I know for a fact I'm not alone in this feeling - there are a lot of women, and a few men, on the chat forum who are clearly trying to get his attention by talking about things that he's expressed interest in, or even a few people straight out saying that they're in love with him and want to steal him from his girlfriend! It actually makes me feel bad to see that, to think of his girlfriend reading things like that. Even though I want to steal him away for myself! So not only am I unoriginal in my fantasy that we could be meant for each other, I'm also a total hypocrite! It really doesn't make me feel good about myself. Not too long ago he was talking about quitting comedy and moving on to something more private, and at the time I was heartbroken at the thought, but now I kind of wish that he would. If he just went away then maybe I could forget him!
  3. So I was doing ok. I've been challenging myself to go a whole day without checking his Twitter or watching any old videos. I made it to a week, and then I lurked on the Patreon forum and saw that he'd released a new sketch. Sent me down a whole youtube rabbit hole for nearly 4 hours. It's 2:30 am now and I'm just sitting here feeling so ashamed of myself. Why do I do this? Because I like his dimples? I mean. What good is any of this doing for me? And then there was some chatter on the forum about his apparently rocky relationship with his girlfriend, and that made me happy for some twisted reason. Why would I want him to be unhappy? Even if it wasn't a horrible attitude to have, it's still not like he's going to come knocking on my door next. And even if he did, I'm married, for pete's sake! I'm just disappointed in myself for my weakness and my spitefulness. I try really hard to be a decent person, and sometimes I just feel like deep down, and I'm just a terrible person, and it's little things like this that really show the truth. All this misery and self recrimination, because I couldn't stop myself from reading a forum that i'm too scared to actually post to! It's so pathetic I make myself cry with shame.
  4. thanks for this. Yes, I have struggled with depression for many years. I'm married to a wonderful man who I love very much, but I don't really have anything else in my life right now. Not for years. I have no job and no friends. I sit alone with my dog all day long. I try to join things and make friends but it just never works. I moved to another country when I got married, and although I want to be with my husband, I have never fit in here and never managed to make a life for myself. It's been nearly 15 years and it's been wasted. I had a full life back home, all of my friends and family are there - even my son moved back when he was old enough. So I'm depressed, and lonely and just exhausted with the monotony of my life. And I know it's a big reason why I latch onto these strange men who I'll never meet. I can imagine a different life with them, and it takes me away from what I actually have. I don't latch onto the traditionally handsome, popular ones, either. I always fall for the broken ones with tragic pasts and body image issues. I probably subconsciously feel some kinship with them. Anyway. I'm in therapy again. This therapist seems different from the last, so I hope that maybe she can help me move forward in my life. If you don't mind me asking - why don't you go to Toastmasters anymore? If you find someplace that you fit in, it's so important to try to hold onto it, if you can.
  5. It's not just that I listen to them, it's that I listen multiple times, and I think, if the roles were reversed, I'd feel that it crosses the line into crazy territory. It just makes me feel...safer? Like, as long as he doesn't know I'm there, he can't be horrified by me. The same goes for the Patreon group. People all seem to talk like they've known each other for years. I don't see how I could ever fit in, and I've never been the kind of person who wedges myself into a conversation. I feel like if I try, I'll stick out like a sore thumb, and I just don't want to be noticed like that. Especially not by him. I know it's silly and illogical and all in my head, but it's how I feel.
  6. That's Robbie Coltrane - he's definitely not my CO, but if I'm honest, there's some similarity in looks! My CO is only 32, and he's not that famous - he's more of an internet celebrity. He's recently been doing a few podcasts, and I get so paranoid that he'll see my IP address repeated that I always listen (and re-listen) with my VPN on. He runs a chat channel, too, for people who follow him and contribute to his Patreon, and he pops up on it occasionally, but I've never been brave enough to join in. People on there seem to know each other already. I feel like a massive stalker/intruder and I don't want him to connect even my screen name with being a loser. It's all so ridiculously high school that I'm embarrassed to even talk about it. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my dog just over a year ago, and I still think about him every day. We still have his sister, and she's a great comfort to me, but it was a long time before I could even say his name without crying. Don't push yourself to move on until you're ready. Dogs are family members, and losing them is painful. Move on at your own pace and don't let anyone try to rush you!
  7. Funny, I have the same feeling about my CO. He's a big guy, 6'3 and kind of chubby, too. Has a big beard these days. There's just something so big and gruff and comforting about him. Like a giant, wonderful teddy bear. I'm only 5 feet fall and the thought of just being wrapped up in his arms and snuggling up next to him just makes me so happy. Not much else makes me happy these days so I cling to my fantasies because without them, I'd be left with just...emptiness, and I can't handle that. I started to tell my therapist about him, but chickened out at the last minute. I can see she's already concerned for me and I don't want to give her anything that might think I'm in danger of becoming a crazed stalker or anything like that. I appreciate everyone's advice and tips on how to avoid fixating on their CO. I'm not quite strong enough to try that yet, but I hope to get there soon. Right now, I feel like if I don't check his twitter and his youtube channel or soundcloud at least once or twice a day, I'll miss something more important than anything that's happening in my own, actual, real life. Sorry to be such a downer! It hasn't been a very good day for me.
  8. Just like you told me, don't beat yourself up about it! It's so easy to give into temptation. That's the thing with celebrities - their personal lives are out there, and it can be really hard to keep them in a little box where they only do and say things that make you happy. When they start talking about things in their real lives that don't fit into what you want from them, it can be painful, almost like they're doing it to hurt you intentionally. It's not logical to feel that way, but since when are emotions logical, right? Maybe this will be a good thing, and it will help you to move on from them?
  9. @decado - I gotta say, I'm not feeling very strong when I'm staggering around like a zombie all day because I've been up all night watching 10 year old videos and creeping on his twitter like a damn stalker. But thank you. I was in a good space for a while, with my new therapy and my new workout regime, I'd gone on vacation with my husband and was feeling almost normal. I thought I could stay normal, but I guess not. All it took was once glimpse at his adorable, fuzzy, dorky face and I was 100% all in again. And then today, he released his first new video in months. It just about broke me. I watched it at least 10 times. I'm so ashamed of myself, but I know I'll watch it 10 more times before I go to bed tonight. I wish there was a pill that could fix me.
  10. I haven't posted in a while - since my first post, actually - because I thought I was handling things well. I made a decision to stop following my CO on social media, to stop watching his old videos and reading his old columns and stories. I did well for a while, and I thought I was moving on. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I caved and checked his twitter and it was just a landslide from there. He fills my mind completely. I worry that I'm actually going crazy. I know that I will never meet him, that none of the things that I imagine will ever come true, but I can't help but dwell on these fantasies constantly. I've watched all of his old sketches at least ten times. I can just stare at his face for hours. I have a new therapist but I haven't reached a place where I feel comfortable telling her any of this. So I'm spilling my guts to you all, because I know you're the only ones who can understand.
  11. Hello all I'm new here, came here via a google search about getting over a celebrity crush. The one I'm dealing with now...it's not the first, but it feels like the most important one. But then, I guess they always do. He's not even a "real" celebrity, so much as an internet celebrity, a sketch comedy performer. Funny thing is, my last crush was on another man in the comedy troupe, but then I had a dream about being in love the this new one, and when I woke up, my feelings had transferred over to him, only 100x more intense. I don't see him as idealized or perfect - he's flawed and troubled and open with his mental health struggles and family drama - and that just makes him even more attractive to me. He has a long term girlfriend, and he clearly is very much in love with her - and that just makes me want to seduce him away from her even more. I spend literally all day and night thinking of him. I'm a chronic insomniac, and now my obsession with him is just another thing keeping me awake at night. I'm currently unemployed, and with this and my anxiety and depression, I can't find any joy in my life at all - it's like there's no escape from thoughts from him. Not that I'm sure I actually want to escape. Thing is - I have an incredibly loving, supportive husband. He's a wonderful, wonderful man. And it sickens me that I allow myself to form these attachments. I know I'll never meet this man, no matter how convoluted and detailed my fantasies of finding a way to make it happen are. I just wish I could see past it. I wish I could get him out of my head. I know it's not real love, it's infatuation. I'm a middle aged woman (and he's 10 years younger, incidentally). I don't suppose anyone here has any magic answers, but I haven't told anyone about this before, and I'm hoping that just getting it off of my chest will help me move forward, even just a little bit.
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