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About theonewhoknocks

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  1. Yes they're from a psychiatrist. Yes I've been in therapy. No I'm not currently in therapy.
  2. I am taking antidepressants actually. They don't help with this pain.
  3. There is nothing that can help me. I've tried it all. I've exercised, I've eaten right, I've gone to school, I've worked, I've slept, blah blah blah. There is nothing left for me here. Nothing that goes in my brain inspires creativity or even makes sense. I'm ****ing 23 and this is my reality. Everything flies over my head. Everything. I am the dumbest person I know. I cannot hold conversations. I cannot enjoy anything intellectually stimulating. I would maybe, just maybe be okay with this if it wasn't for the pain. I can feel it taking over my mind. Anything that goes into my head just gets scrambled and replaced by this ****ing pain. No personality here. Just an empty shell of a person walking around with a ****ed up brain. This isn't right. I don't think I deserve this. I don't think I've been that bad in this life. Why won't it stop? Pain is supposed to come and go right? This has utterly consumed me. It is all I ever feel. I don't know what triggered this. I've never even been through any kind of traumatic experience. This is hell. This is pure ****ing hell. I'm going to **** myself one day. I guarantee it. The only "help" that has ever been offered to me is just people reiterating societal expectations and telling me I need to make more money and stuff. **** this world. I'm done. I'm just ****ing done. If I can't end this pain while alive then I shall find relief instead in death. I think about suicide every day. I've been thinking about it every day for years. It is commonplace in my mind. What are you going to tell me? See a therapist? Why? So I can professionally be told to get over it? I've been through years of therapy. Again, all it is is a reiteration of societal expectations. Expectations that I was already aware of. No more. No ****ing more. I'm taking a stand. I don't care if it hurts my family because that won't be relevant to my dead self. Is that selfish? I don't care. This pain is simply too great. Suicide is my only option. The thought of it is so tantalizing. No more pain. No more suffering. I'm never producing children because I would not wish this type of existence upon anyone. Everything, EVERYTHING that goes into my head just gets scrambled and lost in the empty void that is my consciousness. This life is not worth living. And so I guarantee that I will take my own life one day. That's all I have to say for now. Thanks for reading.
  4. Why does my mind work like this? Why? Why is it that "help" in this godforsaken world only consists of reiterating societal expectations? I'm sick of tough love. I'm sick of everything. You know why? Because everywhere I go this ****ed up brain follows. I don't want to live anymore. Do you understand that? Do you people who are reading this understand that? Do you truly get it? Or are you just going to "help" me by telling me I need to make more money or exercise more. Because that's all a therapist is going to tell me. That's all a "successful" person is going to tell me. I'm ****ing done. No more. No more. This ends very soon. Very very soon. Life is a curse that I don't wish upon anyone. **** the fact that we're just far away enough from the sun to exist. **** this world. I've made it 23 years on this planet and I don't plan to make it to 24. Will I **** myself today? Probably not. Tomorrow? Not likely. But I will **** myself one of these days. And it shall come as a surprise to nobody. I've been alluding toward my suicide for years now. Everyone who knows me personally knew it was coming. It was only a matter of time. Every day with this . Every ****ing minute of every ****ing day. Just a hollow, empty feeling in my head. Just more pain. Pain that radiates throughout my skull. It's always there. It sometimes even haunts me in my dreams. Why? Why why why why why? I don't know. I don't ****ing know. My mind does not produce creative thoughts. Or relevant ones. No abstract thoughts here. Just vacancy. And pain. More pain. Welcome to my head. This never goes away. Pain is supposed to come and go. You stub your toe, it hurts, and then the pain goes away, right? Not this pain. It never ceases. Never. It is all I ever feel. All I ever feel. All I ever feel. I've begged the universe for it to stop. I've demanded that it stop. I've prayed. I've worked. I've attended school. I've exercised. I've eaten right. I've socialized. Does any of that help? Nope. **** this. I don't know how the **** people make it to old age. And I can't fathom why anyone would want to force life upon a little half-them who is then supposed to force life upon a little half-them. I'm never having kids because I do not wish this upon anyone. Here you go, here's life. Enjoy the never- ending pain. And then have fun dying. Yeah that makes sense. Maybe that's not the reality for some people. But it is my reality. Just more pain. Emptiness. Fatigue. Buzzing. Burning. In my head. All day long. No creativity. No ideas. Just the same restricted thoughts and the same sensation. No more. I'm taking a stand. I'm ending this. I'll maybe endure this for a couple more years tops. But I can assure you that I'm going to **** myself someday. And nobody can take that away from me. It is my God-given right. **** this pain in my head. **** this life. **** my parents for forcing it upon me. I am done. No more. I'm gonna go to bed now. Thanks for reading.
  5. As the title suggests, my mind does indeed work against me. Like all the time. In fact, if it weren't for the psych meds that I take every day, my mind would be working against me even more. I have no creativity. No personality. Nothing. My mind is devoid of positive emotions. I only ever feel this same feeling. This bubbling, tingling, burning sensation that follows me wherever I go. This is hell. This is pure ****ing hell. Constant pain. Everything flies right over my head. I cannot think straight. The intelligence and creativity I once had as a child are gone. I am an empty shell of a person. Therapy doesn't help. Therapy basically just says keep working and going to school and stop complaining. I can't stop complaining about this. Because I am in never-ending pain. The only logical solution seems to be suicide, because there doesn't seem to be a damn person on this planet that can understand or help with this. Everyone that knows me knew that it was coming anyway. It won't come as a surprise to anyone. I've been alluding toward my suicide for years. Because I have been thinking about it for years. It doesn't matter where I go or what I do. This pain, this emptiness, this ****ing miserable excuse for a human brain will follow. I work and go to school. Therefore those trained in the field of psychology see no problem. ****ing idiots. I want to understand and think critically about the political science textbook that I'm supposed to be studying. But my mind does not allow it. Nothing registers. Where there was once intelligence and creativity there is now only this droning, non-stop sensation. This has become me. I am it. This is not how a human brain is supposed to function. I know because I once felt better. And I've seen my peers grow up alongside me and retain their personalities and intelligence. I am so alone in this. Nobody I have met understands this. Nobody can help. I can't see myself going on for much longer if this doesn't get better. The only thing I have to look forward to is the day that I end this pain by taking my own life. I don't ask for much out of this life. I don't desire to be super wealthy or famous. But I do desire a healthier mind. I could be shoveling and still be either rich or poor. I crave a mind that is more in tune with the universe. One that reacts to intellectual pleasure with an abundance of creative input. I want to think about all the wonderful and complex things in this world that there are to think about. I want to be able to feel confident in a conversation. I want to be able to grasp everything that my friends and coworkers talk about. I want to be the real me. Not this ****ed up version of myself. But I often question if that's even possible anymore. Or will this illness of the mind only worsen with age? I don't know. All I know is that I've been feeling that same feeling throughout the entirety of writing this. And I'm going to have to endure it at school (community college) tomorrow. And then I'm going to have to endure it at work the next day. And so on and so on. I don't know. I just don't know anymore. Thanks for reading.
  6. Hi there. I just need to vent a little. I'm stuck in a mental rut. My brain has turned to mush. I've felt like this for years now and there doesn't seem to be any solution. I'm always mentally somewhere else no matter where I physically am. Everything just flies over my head. It's like anything I expose myself to just gets scrambled and lost in the empty void that is my brain. I might be able to handle this if I wasn't in actual physical pain. I can feel a heaviness weigh down on my brain. I feel a buzzing radiate throughout my head. It is all I ever feel. Nothing seems to help. Exercising, working, going to school, eating right, socializing, NOTHING helps. I'm so close to ending it all. I've been thinking about suicide now for years, and i'm not even exaggerating when I say that. When I lay in bed at night thinking about suicide, I just feel at peace. I've never been in any sort of relationship ever. Not that I could ever sustain one because I can barely ever even hold a ****ing conversation. Psychotherapy doesn't help. All that therapists have ever told me is to stop complaining and keep working and going to school. I crave a mind that is more in tune with the universe. I envy the intelligent. But I sometimes also envy the dead. I can already tell what people's responses to this will be. "See a therapist", "get some exercise", "get a girlfriend", and so on and so on. It seems that the only "help" that people have to offer is just more and more cookie-cutter bulls*** that doesn't tailor to the specific needs of an individual. I do nothing but drag down those around me. My brain does not produce creative thoughts. I cannot stand another day of this . I'll just continue to feel this ****ing feeling and think these ****ing thoughts. It's innate within my physiology. I often resent my parents for forcing this life upon me. Why shouldn't I **** myself? Seriously? Why the **** not? I don't even know if this is the proper section to be posting this in. I apologize if it's not. I just had to get that out. Thanks for reading.
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