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Blurry

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  1. Blurry

    1/2 Here

    Thank you NickyLynn, I'm glad someone can kind of relate. There is a lot of desperation, I think I need to practice the one day at a time act a lot more consistently. I think it would automatically make things less stressful, you just get stuck in the same heartbreak of everything not feeling like its getting better. It is all freaking hard though, and reaching out makes you so vulnerable- especially when you are already down.
  2. Blurry

    1/2 Here

    I have had depression for years now, I go to therapy once a week and I try to do all the right things. I eat even when I want to starve, I take a breath when I really just want to self harm, I call someone or go to someone's house when I feel suicidal- I'm doing all the right things! I'm no stranger to hitting rock bottom, but life goes on... I go to a university that is 4 hours away from anyone I know next year. This is the year I need to get my GPA up, I need to get back on my medications and prove to everyone that I can be trusted with them and that I won't overdose on them again- so I guess what I am trying to ask is what am I doing wrong here? I am trying, I am putting forth effort, so why do I still feel so meaningless? Why am I still finding myself devoid of any meaning, crying so much that I am reduced to a sobbing mess on the bathroom floor? It feels like this is going to last forever, this crushing miserable feeling that never gives me a break. Its depression in its purest form- how do I escape it without dying?
  3. I am 19 and I have questioned my sexuality for years, growing up in this God forsaken southern atmosphere it was never possible for me to even mutter that I questioning such a thing. However, I found that repressing these emotions really took a toll on my self confidence and still very much does. My family actually jokes about me being sexually confused at times because of how I dress- I like dark, more masculine clothing and apparently since I’m a woman I can’t do such a thing. I will never be brave enough to explore this I fear, and even if I really figured out my feelings I would never be accepted. Has anyone gone through this kind of scenario? If so, how do you possibly figure out what to do? And how do you keep the confidence when your family and community literally hates the very thing you might be struggling with? I constantly defend anyone in the LGBTQ community because in the end all I see are people in this world, nothing more or less. Around here that is apparently a huge sin in itself..
  4. I was diagnosed with PTSD, major depressive disorder and major anxiety. However, There is one thing as of late that has been really scaring me, I want to know if anyone else feels this. When I drive or walk or even talk to my family sometimes I feel like I’m just acting. Like this isn’t really my body, sometimes I actually get scared of my own mom or dad because I suddenly feel like they are complete strangers. Other times I look down at my hands and can’t ever seem to convince myself that they really are my own. Does anyone else get this feeling? What the heck disorder deals with this? It is very scary and has resulted in a lot of delusional, manic self destructive episodes.
  5. It's only been two years- and I get that PTSD isn’t something that just gets better overnight. But I feel like it burdens and annoys my family so much and I feel like I’m trying everything I can but my brain is just stuck. Two years ago I was sexually assaulted and psychologically abused by a teacher. This incident took place over a span of three years but was finally found out my senior year. I was forced to put the teacher behind bars where he will be for the next 6 years... I was called a *****, constantly ridiculed, that in itself makes the PTSD worse when the flashbacks hit. I can’t be touched, I flinch and nearly punch whoever did it even if they did by accident. I work with my therapist every single week in DBT and EMDR therapy but I just feel like I can’t do enough. There are so many triggers, and what hurts the most is that everyone has moved on and can’t seem to understand why I can’t just suck it up. I know my family thinks I’m weak, I know I am. Does PTSD ever go away? Is their any sort of time range that it just gets slowly forgotten by any chance? How do you battle something that crushed life as you knew it? And does anyone else ever feel kind of like a burden because of this?
  6. Blurry

    Frustrating

    I have been prescribed 100mg of Zoloft for about a month and a half now and the same issue keeps coming up regardless of the increase in dose. It helps tremendously with anxiety, especially with the help of the PRNs I was given on the side- however, it seems to cause complete numbness to my depression. Its not really a positive numbness, if that makes sense, it’s more like a motivation lacking, time stand still of complete “meh”. My episodes keep coming in their usual waves and I’m concerned at this point that my psychiatrist isn’t listening. Is there something I’m missing? Does Zoloft simply just make you numb and you just have to deal with it? And if there can be modifications, would starting a new medication work or just decreasing the current dose?
  7. I have been recovering from four years of psychological abuse, sexual assault, attempts, the usual I guess. Control for me is rare, it’s something I crave. Naturally, I have found that restricting and micro managing what foods I eat and what calories consumed is a massive boost in control. However, my therapist says differently. It started out as a simple diet, just something to focus my attention on so I wouldn’t have to deal with the trauma. The thing is, I don’t see the harm that my therapist does. I don’t see a thinning frame, I don’t see the consequence and officially I’m still a healthy weight. Overall, I know it’s going to get worse. This is how everything that has gotten me hospitalized always starts, so I’m trying to fix whatever this is before it gets out of hand. I guess my questions are- is this even a problem? I’m healthy! I weigh myself a lot, I like the control and of course I don’t like my image but who does? Is this anything close to an eating disorder? And should I be concerned? I don’t know where to start...and my therapist seemed almost annoyed that I was even talking about this. Am I just being stupid? Sorry if this offends anyone with real problems with EDs here, I’ve read some of these posts and my heart really breaks for everyone here. I’m sorry if this has wasted your time.
  8. Blurry

    I Want To Be Depressed Again

    I definitley feel this at times, I have to force myself to go to counseling every week because I know if I don’t I will just self destruct all over. I think when people read “I miss being depressed” they don’t quite understand. Of course the feeling is hell, anyone with major depression knows that feeling of being curled up on the floor in a sobbing heap wishing it would just stop. It’s never been the feeling of it I missed- it’s the comfort it brought me. My counsler says she sees it all the time, depressed patients with huge histories of the illness “self sabatoge” meaning: they actively do something they know will trigger the onslaught of a new episode. I’ve done this, but not to feel that awful again, it was because I was terrified that I was getting better. While I was happy with my progress and how happy my family was for me I started to realize that I have had depression for so long that suddenly it was not this desperate illness- it was a part of me now. When you feel a certain way for so long, no matter what that feeling may be, there will come a point where anything other than that emotion or feeling is just foreign and not comforting. Happiness seems generic, anger seems over dramatic- but depression? Depression seems like a calmed state, a state in which everything is unpredictable but predictable all at once. You are not alone in this phenomenon, it is actually quite normal- does that help? No, not at all! But, I hope the more people read others experiences, the more we can all draw connections as to why we feel this way.
  9. Blurry

    Will my creativity ever return?

    I feel the exact same with this! I am in my early twenties and have already noticed the crippling conditions of my creativity. I used to be able to write and create whole scenes of life just with words on a paper but now...it’s exactly like you express, it’s cluttered. And not cluttered in an artistic, ‘oh I have so many ideas’ ,it’s more like, ‘all of these so called ideas have morphed into something that I don’t have the motivation to pick apart’. It is heartbreaking, especially since that very concept and talent is such a part of your being. It’s more than just losing that ability, it’s losing part of yourself to something terrifying, something you can’t even see in your own head. I wish I had the words to somehow make it better for you, I will say your post is quite inspiring though. Because you still have the strength and will power to ask “why?” To me, that means that old energetic sense of self is still there but just needing something to break free. In mental health and recovery that could literally mean anything- but if it’s any consolation, I still see life in your expression, it just needs its own break through!
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