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  1. Hi Tatum, So glad you're reaching out! It's so huge to never give up on healing! I am sorry you have had past trauma and depression has settled in the pain of it all I too have struggled with depression from the time I was a young child. I have found many helpful ways to deal with it. Depression comes from pain turned inward. We turn others ugliness in and have a hard time loving ourselves. You'll notice it starts with a lot of negative thoughts that blast your mind in an instant. Pretty soon the negative thoughts settle and they live in our minds, if we don't learn to capture them. Once depression has been in our lives for a long period of time we have to go back to visit when it started. What happened? What's hurting us? What lies are we allowing our minds to believe? What did we come to believe about life and ourselves? Have you looked into seeing a trauma therapist? I have heard good things about neurofeedback if done correctly. I have had great success with Dialectical Behavior Therapy. DBT teaches skills to combat, walk the middle path, and live empowered. I recently discovered depression hit when our family had many stressors and we were in a crisis survival mode. I had skills to combat pain of past and thoughts, triggers of old...but I didn't realize depression that could hit in an instant with exhaustion and stress. I thought I was handling everything ok and then instantly I was in a deep dark place. I found freedom hearing a message about how we tend to look back at the pain, forward with fear and what we need to do is look back at the blessings (what have we survived, what fears never manifested in full, what good has happened, and look how far we've come) then look forward in hope realizing this situation will pass and be another overcoming situation. We'll get passed this and it will be a moment of strength. Doing this freed me instantly. I sat down and wrote every little thing I could think of. I have found a blessing journal to be very helpful and the hardest to do in times our minds are in a negative state. Our blessings can be as simple as there's food to eat today, the sun is shining with a cool breeze that feels nice to our skin, the birds are singing and coming into our yard to eat, the sound of water, the feeling of a hot shower on tired sore muscles, etc. Then we can grow It to looking back at accomplishments and bigger blessings. How about our supporting loving spouse who stands by our side? Big hugs! You're not alone! The battle is real and we are overcomers!
  2. You're not crazy. You learned some coping mechanisms. We are what we believe. Each time we speak out of our mouth the thoughts that cross our minds we make them real. You are smart in your own gifts! You were made for a purpose. It's a skill to learn to fit into different situations and cope. Try this week to catch thoughts that put yourself down and argue them. Speak only kind things to yourself. You deserve to be cherished and loved, especially by yourself. Big hugs!
  3. Welcome! I'm sorry to hear you feel alone and misunderstood. I go through that same kind of feeling. It's an odd cycle of madness to feel down and desperate to then feel needy which we don't really want to burden so then isolate which makes us feel lonely and isolated. The intense emotions that can come as waves and the whole world feel desperately dark and heavy no matter which way we look. Sound familiar? I have utilized DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) to assist. I find in the dark despair self-help, tools, people, etc don't fix anything. I think the best hope we have of not going into the deepest part of the pit and for too long is recognizing the feelings and thoughts really early. When we catch things earlier we can go to combat with them and take them captive. It's way more challenging when trauma hits our door front. I'm not sure what the answer is when external circumstances flood our doors except the faith and hope to hold on because we know from experience this will pass in due time. You're not alone. You are unique and gifted in your own abilities. This means that you excel in the gifts you have which shouldn't be compared to the scholastic giftings another has. Isn't it typical of us to just berate ourselves? Sometimes it's seems easier to put ourselves down and feel bad about ourselves than address our desperate need to be love and accepted, along with our anger towards how dysfunction may be trying to knock us down and mistreat us again. Glad you are here! Do something amazing to love yourself gently today!
  4. I am sorry you feel so depressed! Do you have any way to see a therapist? I have been in places in my life that I didn't have much of a support system or friends. Somehow the darkest days have a companion of lonely. You know what I noticed about you in your messages? You are a fabulous writer! Have you ever considered writing a book? You are smart enough to figure out the programs to publish yourself. I do hear your pain and I hear your struggle with the fact you are stuck in circumstances you can't change. When we are in depression it's hard to see the way out. I have been depressed off and on since I was a kid. It was severe. I am not trying to dismiss your pain nor show a lack of empathy. I see something on the other side with decades of experience that you have yet to see. I see hope. Hope keeps me pushing. It keeps me moving forward on dark days so I don't end up depressed for weeks, months or years anymore. I see so many talents and a good life ahead of you! I don't say things unless I believe them to be true. I know it's hard to see in the circumstances right now! Shacke had some really amazing wisdom, getting past some of the frustration you can hear in the second message, if you can take some time to work through some of those suggestions. Perhaps keep them for a day when you're ready to work on this? Depression is a one day at a time kind of deal. Sometimes it's second by second. I hear you say it's not satisfying to read a book or get outside. I hear you say you don't find food to be helpful. Depression is a liar! I know for a fact doing the very thing I don't feel is enough or don't want to do really does change the chemicals in the brain and lifts the moods. Feelings don't drive the person though we think they are first position for what makes our day. Feelings are indicators for something needing attention. Information only. To change our emotions we act first. When you are severely depressed it doesn't work to try something just once and expect days of building negative thought patterns to go away. It's several days of working at it and chipping away. Would you consider trying some new things? Would you consider ignoring the thoughts you have about not being worth life, for a time? Those thoughts aren't true and until you feel that way would you work on doing some faking it until you make it? Your momma does love you very much! She may not know how to reach you. I would guess your dad loves you very much too and doesn't know how to relate. I have found as a parent that I fail in this area many times. I would die for my kids and do everything I can to make a good life for them. I am however, human and fail daily at doing things in a way that would mean the most to them. Please realize parents are doing the best they can in their human way to love the best they know how in ways they think are meaningful. I am so glad you have a grandma in your life too! As a kid I was a nerdy weird kid that loved to sit at the feet of adults. In middle school I loved nothing more than to stay after school and talk to teachers, help them grade or clean a classroom. In high school and college, my best friends were teachers. It's a gift to be home schooled! Todays schools, god bless their efforts, are missing the mark. You are not alone and you are worthy! Big hugs!
  5. I am so sorry you have gone through this! I have had my share of plenty of abusive relationships and situations dealing with drug abusers and alcoholics. It's very challenging. You have clearly proven you are stronger than you feel and have an amazing future of hope! I have gone through having very little support on either side for my kids. It's very hard. We weren't meant to raise children alone. What I can say is that sometimes it's better to have to stretch to find a new support system than utilizing the people we happened to be joined with in "family". I have found joining a church family to be extremely helpful to be a positive avenue for my family over the years. I have utilized therapists to be my mentor and help me through things as a positive 3rd party. Good for you for adding that resource to your life! I have found positive friends to walk through life with and practice a healthy relationship. And, I've continued to work on myself to fix my picker from abusive relationships as well as set boundaries with those I still need to interact with from time to time. Distance is a friend to heal the wounds and keep our perspective renewed. If I spend too much time in a toxic situation it drains me and I lose my footing. I'm unable to see as clearly and keep my protective barriers up in those situations if they are around me too much. What we allow in our lives begins to affect us. You have already shared how you're choosing to look for positive influences in your life. Keep up that great work! I recently had someone share with me the two things I need to make a change 1. an ethical granny mentor 2. step aside and stop focusing on the problems. Instead, look at what good looks like and do it. Seems simple right? And, when we've gone through trauma and hurt it's easy to focus on the problems at hand. It's easy to get tripped up on how we see ourselves, negative self talk, etc. If we want better than we've had we have to do different than we've had. So these crazy unhealthy things we have to face at times don't get to determine who we are. We step aside and be the best we can be!
  6. I'm sorry you are viewing yourself this way. If I listed out all the ugly things that happened in my life and the suicide attempt I did make once along with the abusive relationships, lost ability to work a job due to health issues and a disability, parenting mistakes, family rejection and abandonment, along with a many other things I could add to the list we'd be talking a books worth. I get the depression and a pain of contemplating suicide. I can tell you that the mind is sick and believing lies when suicide is playing into our decision making. I can tell you for a fact that getting back to the basics of life sometimes is enough to get us a fresh start on a day and ability to reframe our reality. You are still in school. I can tell you as a mom of kids still in grade school to adults in their 20's that I have seen every one of my teens go through a phase of depression. It's a critical phase in life where we realize the vastness of the world, feel lonely, and come to a crisis of beliefs where we have to decide for ourselves what we believe and what our values are...set a part from our parents. I have also realized we only grow in life from the trials. If life is too good, too easy, too comfortable we grow bored with no motivation to change. Thus, it sounds like you are in the perfect position to make a change? Living at home you do have some limits. Please, as smart as you are, look up the science of what internet and social media do to your brain! Kirk Cameron produced a movie recently gathering experts, to include a brain doctor, to explain the epidemic we are in with social media and internet use. It hurts our ability to socialize, develop deep relationships, and keeps us addicted to checking for likes and communication. The reality is that my friends on social media would probably not be the friends I'd call in a jam. It's easy to give false identity and not be real. We see everyone else appear to be living a life and it points out that our life is lacking. People either post all dark and negative or all their happy hopeful. It's not a real depiction of life. Life is hard! But, suffering is a choice. Take it from some one that didn't know the difference and suffered a lot in this life. I have found there's a hope so great that keeps me pushing to find the next one. It's what keeps me striving to learn to wake up new today and train my mind to think positive vs negative. To train your mind you have to pay attention to the thoughts that enter your mind in the first few seconds. If you let them go and pass without stopping and doing something with them your mind accepts them as truth. You have mentioned so many lies about yourself. You are worthy and your life can be amazing! What do you really want it to look like? are you willing to do the work to get there? Do you want that beautiful wonderful woman to marry someday? What are the things getting in your way? Why?
  7. Logan Sims I am so sorry to hear that your feeling suicidal! You are believing the lies that cross your mind. You are worthy and made for a purpose. You may not know your calling right now but you were made for a calling. It's so normal to go through a crisis of identity in high school, feel lonely and lack friends. This is the most crucial time to prove your grit. Look those lies in the face and tell them to shut their mouth you are an overcomer! You have mentioned you spend a lot of time alone and on electronics. Have you by any chance looked at the science of what screen time is doing to the brain and leading to such things as depression, ego centric thinking and living, anxiety, etc? It's addictive to chase the likes and views to feel special but the fix is so quick and temporary it's never enough. Not to mention we begin comparing our numbers with others. May I suggest you take a 7 day fast and see how your body responds? No social media for 7 days. I'd suggest 30 days but that would probably be too big of a goal at this point. Pay attention to how your body and mind react to no screen time. If you have to do it for school work than do it but nothing else. And, try to limit your use to be stopped 2 hours before bed time or get blue blocking glasses. If you are playing video games every day before bed your brain is hijacked and wired to stay up. Your mind needs a break. A good rest would be so amazing for your entire being! Are you getting physical exercise every day? A walk in that beautiful scene you described, getting the endorphins pumping, and happy chemicals flowing will help over time. At minimum may stabilize the current situation. How is your diet? are you eating lots of sugary simple carb foods which tend to send our hormones over the edge? Or are you eating a diet full of healthy fats, lean proteins, fruits, veggies, water, and a rainbow of colors every day? We are what we eat and put into our body. If we want to feel our best we need to put in the best. Horrible thinking to overdose with pills and herbs. My sister once tried that and the doctor said it was so foolish. It tends to do more damage you live with the rest of your life. Yes, life is hard! It can feel like hell on earth. However, there's an opposing force that is at work. We can't control we have challenges in life. We can control what we become and what we do with the choices we have. Logan I believe once you work out all these arguments you will find it within you to be a fighter and overcomer! You are worthy of all life's best. BTW we all struggle at times with different subjects and principles. From your talents and posts here I can see you are a very intelligent person! The suggestions made on these replies are gold. Winners never give up. If you don't see your strength to be a winner yet than stand on our shoulders as we say you can be and are not only an overcomer but a winner! Please contact a suicide hotline if you decide to do something to self harm yourself. The calls are free! Your life is worth that call! 1-800-273-TALK. Take care! Because you only have one life to live, make it matter!
  8. I am so sorry you feeling this way! I know it's not easy when panic and anxiety flare their ugly heads. What I tend to do to help deal with it is ask myself has what I'm afraid of had a track record of occurring? IE. Has your husband left you in 20 years because k you had some need with mental health? I also ask myself to think through the worst case. Will I die if my husband leaves? Will I be devastated? Will I survive? How would I handle it? what do I have control of? What could I do to help myself even if the worst case occurred? How many other times have I had fears and they didn't happen? I think when mental health is involved we can easily tend to feel guilt and shame. However, why is that any different than when someone else gets the flu, a virus, or any other journey we have to embark on as a couple? It's part of the package we sign up for when we marry. I will stay by your side and love you not matter whether we have money or are poor, sick or health, etc. Until death do us part. You can't control if your husband decides to leave and it doesn't feel good to consider such a thing. You do have control on your commitment to your husband. Your ability to get the help you need to heal and overcome the circumstances. This is a time your body is saying I need your attention, care and love. I am sorry your trip was cut 2 days short and the anxiety hit at such a special time. I hope you guys can work together to find whatever will help you feel peace and joy again. Perhaps you can have a special trip to celebrate. I do know when RX is used for anxiety it tends to phase off or be ineffective. Anxiety tends to be best managed through skills like dialectical behavior therapy. Learning what thoughts are crossing your mind and how to capture them and deal with them immediately. Big hugs! You are precious and worthy of your husband's devoted love and attention. You deserve to be taken care of and cherished. Praying you find healing soon!
  9. Welcome! I am so sorry you have been challenged with so many things trying to rob your joy from the wonderful blessed life you have. I'm so impressed and excited for you in all the hard work you have done to work with what is in your control. Crying spells and tears are healing. Have you ever had DBT (dialectical behavior therapy)? Much of what you use for techniques is covered in DBT. In practicing Mindfulness we learn to pay attention to our mind and body at first response. Usually anxiety and fear come on with a thought that crosses by our mind so quickly we may not realize it just crossed our mind. Depression tends to be anger and hurt turned inward. A pattern of thoughts and beliefs that replay over and over (ruminate). DBT helps catch those thoughts, emotions and feeling. It separates the difference and use of thoughts vs emotions and teaches the middle path. Have you tried journaling? Is there any unresolved issues or trauma that need skill building to work them out? Emotions are warning signs that something needs attention. I agree with the other post that speaking to a doctor would be very important. Especially if something is making your quality of life more difficult. It may be your body is waking because you have a physical medical need to supplement and bring up nutrient levels? It may be a side effect to RX? Maybe some more therapy to get to another layer of the onion? Our body and mind need breaks and sometimes after we've worked really hard the body says enough, then out of no where it decides it's time to go deeper. I recently had a dream about my father who I haven't seen in over 20 years. I wanted to finally talk to him about he rejection and abandonment. In that dream all the rage and memories of pain came flowing out. I woke up and began to cry. I had no idea I was holding anger inside. I had really not felt anything. I thought I understood and had processed the reasons for his inability to be a father to me. Then out of no where I flowed in my sub-conscience. I felt peace knowing this has been in there and it was able to come out. I could see it and respect it. I could be grateful for the healing that's taking place. Perhaps your job is the trigger? Do you like your job? Are you doing in your life what you want to be doing? Do you feel like you have meaning and purpose? There have been times in my life I realize I am blessed and I'm bored and frustrated not living within my own personal values. I needed to challenge myself. I needed to try new things. I needed to stretch myself. I didn't like the job I was in at the time and felt trapped because I thought we had no choice. Big hugs! Sending positive thoughts your way that you find the reason and hope to carry you to joy!
  10. Depression is anger and hurt turn inward. We get there by thoughts that ruminate over and over in our mind. We often times miss the early stages of a the first seconds those thoughts begin to ring into our minds. It's not until they begin to play a record of messages over and over that we begin to hear them and react with dissonance. We then can't help but see the hurt and get lost in the emotional trance and pain as we view in our minds eye those records playing over and over. The power, I have found, is in early detection. If I will catch the first thoughts, capture them and reframe them then I can continue to move on without the depression setting in. I too learned that meditation and mindfulness activities help a lot, especially in a state of anxiety or depression. I especially like to use my senses in those moments to get into he present moments and out of my thinking and feelings. Walking the middle path of wisdom means we don't get ruled by emotions or thoughts. We learn to dictate our emotions and thoughts by what we do. Our actions change how we feel. When we get lost in feeling we get lost in thoughts and it's hard to be present. We then space off. In part, it is a coping mechanism to space off too. How much better to choose a meditative state of positive thinking rather than go into that state with a depressive state! It takes practice.
  11. You are amazing! You not only reach out to get help but also very willing to listen and learn. What a gift and amazing heat you have! A really helpful book I found on boundaries, that also has a workbook you can get is: "Boundaries, When to say yes, when to say no and how to take control of you life" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. The principles work. It's hard work to change an old behavior, sometimes it's down right painful. I tend to take these kinds of books and work them out slowly. I hope for you courage on your journey of health and healing! You are worthy of life's best!
  12. It's not your responsibility nor problem if others become irresponsible in response to your empathy. Unfortunately, we can tend to attract others that our sick in our own pain too. You are not stupid! You are a kind soul that has a big heart and has gone through a tremendous amount. I found for myself the way out of attracting people that would hurt me more was learning my value and worth, as well as good boundaries. It's not easy to practice good boundaries and sometimes can feel mean. But, it's not! Boundaries says respect me and I respect you. Boundaries is truth and honesty wrapped up in grace. Don't we all want to know where we stand with someone? Of course we do! It's really a kindness to set boundaries and hold firm to those values. And, it helps safe guard you. Being a kind soul means you have to learn to guard your heart. It's not available for others to trample on just because they have pain. You are worthy and have a purpose, please remember that and don't allow others pain to say different. Run from people that use your good heart and try to get more. Sex is most beautiful in a loving marriage with a person that cherishes you. You become one in soul. It's not for anyone else. That just brings more pain. I know this all too well. We then get our hearts broken and feel more pain. Big hugs for your kind sweet soul! Shake off the dust and leave those that use and abuse behind you!
  13. I am so sorry you have had a poor representation of therapy! It is not ok for a therapist to shout or yell ever! I do understand how hard it is to find therapists that are willing to take Medicare/Medicaid. I also get the misunderstandings and judgements others tend to have towards disabilities. I also get how hard it is to give your all, work hard the majority of your life, and find that you had to concede to a SSI claim. I am right now in limbo without a pcp and have found the only help for my many healthy issues has been doctors that are either integrative medicine or holistic. I have had really great group insurance where I could pick the cream of the crop in the Midwest and have had the worst fee aide services offered because of limited insurance through IHN or Medicare. I honestly believe it's a system issue, not a location issue. I am sorry you are in so much pain! Have you looked into referral services? I'm surprised this therapist you have visited with isn't rehashing your history with CBT. Usually CBT looks at the past, sometimes too long. I found for trauma EMDR and trauma academy to be helpful. I also found DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy). When I took DBT I tried two different therapists and found one just didn't work for me. I needed, due to the trauma of my situations, a therapist that was more nurturing and gentle. Please keep trying to find the support you need. I believe when we seek the door is only to be found will open. It's hard in the wait of pain to realize that help and healing are on the way. Please know you are loved, cherished and deserve to be supported in love! Hang in there and don't give up! You'll have your break through! I am sorry for the pain you have experienced in life! My heart breaks. It's not the way life was intended. We live in a broken world. You are a woman of great strength and can find the healing and love you deserve if you will pursue it!
  14. Wow that’s a lot going on for you right now! I am sorry to hear of the stressors going on in your life right now! I have been in a similar situation, it’s nothing short of scary and it’s easy to fall into fear or worse yet make poor choices to try to fix what may be. I have paid for counselors to help be a positive support for me in times I didn’t have a good support system. That’s a tough place to be in, I empathize! It’s also very scary to be on temporary contracts, up for renewal and worried about the what ifs. I can say, and you probably know this yourself, if you look back the realities are usually never as bad as the what ifs we can come up with. Somehow, we think if we create worst case scenarios and prepare for the worst we can prepare and not be hurt as bad. Usually, focusing on the worst-case scenario and the what ifs actually causes a cycle of negative, possibly poor decision making and anxiety that keeps us from performing in our optimum. I bet if all the other stressors weren’t going on the screaming editor email would be easily handled with a professional positive response saying something like… (I apologize I must have misunderstood how you wanted me to bill. When we last spoke you told me to bill at the end of a job. I am currently still in the middle of these jobs, therefore, I have not billed. Please confirm how you would like me to handle this and I will follow-up immediately. Thank you for notifying me of this issue.) Or, something like that. You get the point and I am sure have much better wording to defuse the situation and deal with your professional contacts. I have worried about being in the street and homeless, especially as a single mom, at one point. I know it happens to some. But, it has never happened to me. Even when I made some really poor choices that made my situation worse, when I tried to fix it. I would try to help de-escalate that worry by thinking through the other options I’d have, the resources I may be able to find if that happened, and worst case…others have done it and survived. My point is that when anxiety hits I have found the best thing to counter it is argue it. We tend to think in black and white catastrophic thinking when we go into worry, fear and anxiety. So, I question it. Is it really probable? How many fears have I had that have actually occurred at that drastic measure? Let’s look at my track record… have I survived some really hard stuff in life? Yes! Will I survive if things keep going downhill? Probably. Some things I like to remind myself…. Never ever give up (I have a picture of a frog legs hanging out of a stork’s beak with the frog hands squeezing the throat of the stork)! Do all I can today and rest easy knowing there’s always hope and tomorrow I can wake up and find things are much easier. Over the years, as I get older I find crisis situations don’t last as long and don’t hit as hard. Oh sure, they can still feel as detrimental as they did in my early 20’s but life experience says they probably aren’t. You brought up a very valid point on age and hormones! I have been in perimenopause since my early 40’s. I have found as we age we can have many deficiencies in mineral, vitamin D (depending on where you live), estrogen, etc. It’s definitely worth a doctor visit to have some things tested. Hormones are a powerful force that hijack your entire life, if they are out of control. Unfortunately, we tend to get fatigued easy and eat the wrong kinds of so called foods (junk foods and carbs) when we are stressed and hormonal. Those just make the hormone shifts even worse. Hoping things turn around for you soon! Please know you are worth every bit of love and care! I hope you find some supportive friends and good relationships you can trust and rely on to share life with! Take good care of yourself and try to get some exercise, get 7-8 hours of sleep and eat well. All those things help us balance life a whole lot better! Take care! You are worth it!
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