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Nightdagger

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  1. Nightdagger

    How do you get to sleep?

    I take melatonin
  2. Nightdagger

    I wanna die but I know I shouldn't **** myself

    Hi there Welcome to this forum. I joined a while ago. keep reading stories. You are not alone. I can relate my experience to yours. It is usually for me to overthink everything just like you do. I get anxious quite often! Sometimes, I would think "what could be the worst scenario?"...Then I instantly felt better since the worst scenarios is still manageable. Self harm is not a good start! Think more about future, not near future, but future far far away! What would you like to become? I am not in a position to give you advise since I am messed up myself..Nice to have you here
  3. Is it the anxiety that keeps you from being able to function? Don't worry, you aren't alone...I am only 19, and when anxiety kicks, I can barely function.. Do you have any hobby? I have been trying meditation (NOt medication).. I am not sure if it actually helps. I think I am not spending enough time meditating I think
  4. I want to write something here to bring awareness. Depression is not a lack of success or accomplishment. Sometimes people can't associate depression to a successful person. I will share a little bit of my story, I am 19. I am in college. From an outsider's point of view, I have nothing to be depressed about. I past my first actuarial exam at age 18. I played two instruments. People say I am genius in mathematics. I do art and sketching. I am presenting a research in an international conference coming in April (abstract was accepted). Yeah, looks like a good life so far... But I am not happy. not because I am greedy. I am not happy because I don't care. I suffer from anxiety. I am afraid of things going wrong constantly. I have to take sleep pills each night. My brain wakes me up at 6am...I can't get back to sleep. Well, it is lucky if it's 6 am. Sometimes, it can be 4 or 2 in the morning. I came to the states in 15. I live with 4 different host families. I do not have sense of home or security. I mean, I was always disposable if I did something wrong. At home, I was loved semi-unconditionally. When abroad, I need to be someone else to blend in the society and make others happy so I won't be disposed of. I wore so many masks that I don't even know who I am now. I am so proficient at faking be someone else. It can't be helped. I am not a liar. I am just a blank of paper. I can be anyone as long as I can seek help or love. I never lived my life for myself. I took the actuarial exam because I was told to. I did do art and music for myself though. I want to live like an ordinary person. I do not want to worry constantly. I want to be normal and live like everybody else who only cares about today. Anxiety converts to depression easily. It makes me feel hopefully. It makes a unknown future darker than it looks. It sucks energy away from me. I get depressed for a short amount time, then I realize i need to get work done. It exacerbates my anxiety because I don't get work done when I was depressed. It was a terrible cycle. I think it's bipolar. I did not want to go for a psychiatrist. I researched many positive ways to help my own problem, but did not work out. I get better in winter break, but it will go back to "normal" when school starts. People sometimes get jealous. but in reality, there is nothing they should be jealous about. My situation got worse after knowing an exchange student from Ukraine. It might sound immature. I think I love her so much. When I was around her, I did not have to wear any mask. I did not have to fake anything. She was abroad and she had similar experience which I could relate myself to. For a split second, I thought maybe I can be ordinary. I thought about marrying her and have a normal life. I don't need to go to Harvard or Cambridge for my graduate just because my parents want me to be ""SUCCESSFUL". I don't have to fake. For a split second, I thought about getting rid of all my masks, and about having an ordinary life- a happy one. I don't need to work so hard to achieve things I don't care about. i could finally live for my own sake. Yeah.. but only for a split second.. I ran into 2 problems. First, she has a boyfriend. Second, I am too young for her according to her ideology or culture. I was sad... I tried to tell myself that God planned this way so I won't waste my talent. I can use my gifts to achieve more things such as getting a job in U.N. But, all I really wanted is a plain but happy life. I don't know what to do. My instinct tells me that I need to get back to work, work, work hard to get in Harvard or Cambridge. Work hard on research... It was like a catastrophe. I was shown hope for a split second.. so short that I did not know if it was real or not. Practical application of cusp catastrophe theory (least probable behavior)... I don't understand why it has to be this way. I did not ask for this. I wanna say Thank you for everyone reading this (my bs),, I hope it can bring awareness. Please share your thoughts or advice.
  5. No matter which self-test I used online suggested a strong sign that I have bipolar or anxiety disorder... I am not sure if I want to see a psychiatrist or not. I do not want to be on drug because I am college student and also a social researcher (ironically I study social science and human behavior.. Have no idea how to help myself).. anyway, I need to keep my brain functioning at a good shape; however, the dark side is that it is impossible for me to calm down which is the cause my anxiety. I can picture myself in a hopeless future when something goes wrong... I take some OTC called AnxioCalm which kinda helped. Not a lot though. Anyone has an advice? The other problem is that my family or friends would never understand because I seem to be an energetic (yes) and delightful (not at all) person. They would understand why I would like to visit a psychiatrist. They would probably think that I just try to draw more attention.
  6. Nightdagger

    Hi Everybody

    Thanks Epictetus! It is awesome to meet you! Thanks for sharing your insight on anxiety. Anxiety is really worse than what many people think.
  7. I am glad that I was able to find this forum. I am new. I am 19, and currently live in Wisconsin... I have anxiety disorder mostly. Sometimes it leads to depression (low energy). I am currently in college. I am from China. Moved in the states at 15. A brief summary of my story... For various reason, I get extremely anxious when future is unknown. The moment I realize there is any chance something might go wrong, I get anxious and expect the worst outcome. It might sound dumb. From outside, I seem to be an energetic, social, outgoing and delightful, but only I know that I am anxious and constantly sad... I conclude my issues as following 1. Anxious towards a unknown future... 2. Physically abused in the past... 3. Lack of sense of security.... I never lived for myself. I felt my purpose of living is to make other people happy. I am currently trying meditation... No result so far...
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